The tears begin to subside as everything sinks in under the harsh light of day, light trickling in from the world outside. I wipe my eyes with the same damp patch of the blanket I have used since the tears took hold, reaching for my watch on the nightstand. It's only 7:05am.

Today was going to be the beginning of the rest of my life, the day I told him I loved him. Now it feels like that has been torn away from me and I can't help feeling that it's my fault, I'm to blame.

As I wrap the sheet around me I can't help but wondering if I should have somehow seen all of this coming. It's been building for over a month, I had a feeling that something didn't seem right with Dawson yet I couldn't quite manage to verbalize that feeling. Maybe I just didn't want to believe that he'd be gone from my life again so soon.

Gathering up my clothes I make my way towards the bathroom, should I have realized that there was some deep seated plan for revenge brewing in his head?

"Why would I?" I mumble to the room. I've never been through what he has and I feel the tears begin to sting the corners of my eyes again fully realizing the impact of our actions.

We destroyed him.

We were supposed to be his friends, people who cared for him and although it had never been intentional to hurt him in this way, to leave him like this, it's what we've done.

Standing looking in the mirror above the bathroom sink the thought crosses my mind about how I look a mess. The puffy eyes and the tear stained cheeks; I can't bear to look at myself without despising the person that looks back at me.

Sometimes we're never aware of the consequences of our actions. Sometimes we're unaware of our own capabilities. And sometimes we wish we had the ability to somehow change the past and to make amends.

As I continue to look at the mirror, not quite seeing my own reflection I recall how I felt when Mom died and I allow some of those emotions to wash over me now.

Fear, of what life would be like without her. I was thirteen years old when she died, she'd always been a constant in my life, the one person I had always been able to rely on besides Dawson. But she was different; she was an adult, my mother.

Pain, I felt like there was a throbbing pain somewhere inside me that no one would be able to locate.

Sadness, I was in agony over losing her, even though we'd known it was coming for months. How was I supposed to prepare for the day my mother would never be there? It's not like there was an emotional light bulb somewhere that could be switched off at will.

Through it all I had had support; through it all there had been Bessie and Dawson, Mitch and Gail. And dare I say it Pacey managed to help in his own way.

But the main support was from Dawson. There were times he'd just sit and hold my hand, or hug me and rub my back as he talked about her. Other times he'd just sit and listen to me recounting many childhood memories. Occasionally we'd just sit in his closet reciting lines from movies, a vein attempt at escaping from the grieving process.

I can't for the life of me try to imagine going through that without Dawson. There was a time not long after Jen had told me the news that I tried to imagine what it would have been like without him, but I couldn't. Maybe part of me was too scared to think about it too much; scared I'd end up hating myself for the picture I'd see. Knowing that that was how he would be suffering, virtually alone.

Now, as that reality sinks in I can't help but feel this is my entire fault. I can't honestly blame him for this, feeling the way he does, wanting to hurt us. Yet there's a part of me that feels some anger, wants to be angry at him, to yell at him. I just don't have that right.

He looked pained as he admitted his plans for revenge and fresh tears begin to fall as I focus on my reflection in the mirror. I'm not proud of myself.

I know there was no way I was to know that any of this would have happened when I left him on the dock that day. How was I to know it'd be the last time I'd see him in so long? How was I to know that I was leaving at a time when he'd need me the most?

By the time mom died, dad's presence as part of the family was pretty much nonexistent, especially when he went to prison. It's not the same as dying but at the time it seemed like it. He was gone too, but well, I always knew he was alive.

How different would I have felt if he had died too, suddenly like Gail and Mitch?

"I can't even imagine." I whisper to the empty bathroom.

Running my hands through my hair, I feel sick at this whole situation. I need to get out of here, hating the sheer memory of everything that occurred here.

Quickly I brush my hair before tying it back. I was going to have a shower but now I just want to be anywhere but here, to go home.

What does that even mean anymore? Home.

Hurriedly I start to throw on my clothes as I try not to think of my betrayal, "Geez Joey, you've gotten so damn good at it."

All this time I've been fooling around with Dawson and I already had someone. I have a boyfriend that loves me; at least I think he still does. Could we possibly have fallen into a routine of an old married couple even though we're not married, our biggest commitment was moving in together.

The more I think about it, the intensity of the anger coursing through me increases.

"How could Dawson do this?" I ask the empty room and I can't help the laugh that passes from my lips. "Like I was totally innocent."

It sure took two to tango, I was more than willing to get involved in this and I'm now trying to find some way to tell myself it was all Dawson's fault. That he somehow seduced me. He didn't do anything I hadn't wanted him too…except for that revenge part.

I feel sick and angry and sad and sorry. The funny part is that I don't know who I'm angry with anymore.

When he first said there was no us, my instinct was to be defensive and feel anger but that was before I knew everything. Tucking a free stand of hair behind me ear I can't help the warm and fuzzy feeling in the pit of my stomach, as I recall my earlier realization that I loved him and was going to tell him.

He sure had me fooled.

Those warm and fuzzy feelings begin to subside, being replaced with anguish. No more than I deserve especially when I see the dark blue polo shirt lying on the bottom of the bed. I guess he forgot to take it with him.

Picking it up a sob escapes from deep within my throat. I hadn't even realised I was crying again and within a few moments it all becomes too much and I slink to the ground, my back to the bed as I hug the t-shirt to me.

It becomes harder to process thoughts, so many of them swimming around my head, so many emotions. I really wish I had the capacity to be angry with Dawson, but I just can't.

The full impact hits me now; my past actions had serious repercussions. And only now do I become fully aware of their extent.

You can cover your eyes

And hide behind walls you've built around you

You can run for your life

Anytime there's a chance of someone breaking through

But sooner or later it comes to us all

And even the strongest must fall

At a certain point in your life some things become routine and after a period of time passes, aspects of your life seem stagnant. You look for something to break the monotony of each day, some form of excitement, something that's just different. And occasionally that different thing is small, with few ramifications.

Other times it's something major and at the time the change occurs you don't really think of how big it is. You're too busy throwing yourself into this new task, happy to be breaking the habit so to speak. It's only after time you realize how much has changed, be it you or someone else.

I was aware the whole time I was involved with Pacey, but refused to allow myself to think of it, dwell too much. Scared that if I did, I'd change what was happening and Dawson would probably have walked out of my life again.

Wiping the tears from my eyes I know that Dawson brought something to life within me again. That's why I couldn't end it, why I was scared to loose him.

When love calls your name

There's no saying no

You follow your heart wherever it goes

To the ends of the earth

For the rest of your days

Whatever it takes, yeah you'll find a way

Through fire and rain

When love calls your name

Knowing I have to compose myself to leave, in order to go 'home' I stand up, placing the T-shirt on the bed.

"Goodbye Dawson." I mumble, sniffing before facing the door and I feel as though my heart literally stops because he's standing there. He looks like he's been crying too.

"I thought you'd be gone." He says not moving from where he stands.

"I thought you'd left for good." I respond, both of us seemingly waiting for more time to process this and I wonder how long he was standing there for.

He shakes his head. "My stuff's still here. I wanted to give you time to…" He trails off.

"Get dressed and go?" I tried to bite back the comment but as always it's best to be defensive and it spills out.

"I deserve that." Dawson replies, almost whispering before continuing. "I'm not proud of what I did."

I try to keep my resolve, to not break down again at what he's been through, how he's been hurt.

Now I see a light

And it keeps getting brighter and shows me the way

And it's there in your eyes

Pulling me closer everyday

After all of this time the tables have turned

I guess I'm ready to learn

"I want to be angry with you. You have no idea how much I want to just kick and scream at you for all of this…" I begin knowing I don't have the strength in me for that. "But I can't, I just can't. I love you Dawson."

I wonder if he sees the genuine love in my eyes after I say it. Wonder if it's become so much of a stranger to him that he can't see it.

He looks at me somewhat stunned, even opens his mouth to say something but can't seem to get whatever he has to say out.

"I'm in love with you." I tell him. "I realised it last night…I think I always was, even through all these years." I finish with a smile, tears still trickling down my cheeks as I step closer to him.

"I don't deserve you." Dawson finally finds his voice. "Didn't you hear what I said earlier?"

When love calls your name

There's no saying no

You follow you heart wherever it goes

To the ends of the earth

For the rest of your days

Whatever it takes, yeah you'll find a way

Through fire and rain

"Yeah I did." I begin as I bring one of my hands up to caress his cheek. "You set out to hurt people that hurt you a long time ago but in the end realised it's not who you are."

His eyes don't waver from mine as he processes what I've just said. "But I-" I place a finger to his lips to silence him.

"I know what you did."

"But how-" This time I cut him off by quickly pressing my lips to his, kissing him tenderly.

"Because I somehow understand the hurt, the wanting…needing to lash out at people who hurt you."

I see tears begin to form in his eyes and there's a flicker of a smile.

When love calls your name

You do what you must

You take it on faith

You take it on trust

You're out of control

And all that you know

Your world's not the same

When love calls your name

I continue. "I was angry when mom died, when dad went to prison and I would have probably lashed out at everyone if it hadn't been for Bessie and you." I tell him honestly. "I can't possibly imagine the extent of your hurt, but I have some sense of how bad it can be, losing both of them…and then feeling the way you did about…"

I trail off, somehow not wanting to mention Pacey and I, yet I know it will have to come up eventually, sooner rather than later.

"You can say his name." He tells me his voice low. "I'm not going to go crazy or anything."

We're both silent for a moment.

When love calls your name

There's no saying no

You follow you heart wherever it goes

To the ends of the earth

For the rest of your days

Whatever it takes, yeah you'll find a way

Through fire and rain

When love calls your name

When love calls your name

*Cher – When love calls your name*

"I want to be honest with you Dawson." I say lightly tracing his jaw line. "When I found out you left and that Mitch and Gail had died I cried myself to sleep at night for so long. There were times I didn't know who I was crying for." I tell him. "And I'm not sure if you are aware of this, but Jen found it difficult for us to remain friends."

He shakes his head. "She never told me what happened, just mentioned that you'd somehow drifted apart."

"Pacey and I had already split up or were taking a break, it was too much. Knowing I'd been with him when you'd needed me." The tears begin again. "I should have been there for you and I wasn't. I'm so sorry Dawson." I sniff. "In time we sort of hung out again, more through lack of options than want. I don't know about Pacey, but I was just lonely, I needed someone, anyone."

Thinking about it now I had never really realized this, or maybe I was just too frightened to dwell on it, scared I'd be alone.

"I guess it's easy to fall into a comfort zone." He says breaking me from my moment of reverie.

"Yeah." I quietly agree nodding my head. "I wish I had been there for you. That I could somehow make up for everything…"

"I'm the one that should apologize." He cuts in.

"Maybe we both have things to be sorry for." I tell him. "There's so much time we missed, I wish we could change that."

"Me too." Dawson agrees. "But it'd never be like it was before."

"I don't expect it to be."

"So, what would happen?" He asks, maybe he's slightly apprehensive.

"We take things slowly, try to rebuild our friendship and see where it takes us."

He takes a deep breath. "Is that all you want?"

"No." I shake my head. "But for now it's enough. I know this can't be rushed."

We're both silent for a few moments, contemplating what the next move should be. I wonder what he's thinking, part of me wishes I knew but somehow for now, not knowing what he's thinking, not being able to read his eyes doesn't bother me. In time those things can be learned.

He touches my hair and smiles and for a moment I see the resemblance to the boy I once loved, the only one. I remember what it was like to kiss him, to know that he loved me and would never do anything in his power to hurt me.

There are parts of him still in there, hidden beneath the exterior of the man I now love. The man I hope to reconnect with again.

The End!