Prompt: Eren thinking what if her parents were never killed and they met at "that time?"
A/N: For stardere, because she wanted to see my take on Eren thinking of "what-ifs." Did I justify the angst theme with this fic? (Psst, the answer is a big fat-ass no.) Heck, I don't think I even did the prompt some justice. I'm sorry. *cries in the corner*
There had been certain events as to which Eren had shoved off his surges of hate, anger, vengeance and whatnot. Notoriously known for said traits, it was still possible for his demons to be tamed under considerable dispositions; and that being one of the nights wherein he saw Mikasa fast asleep on the couch at the cabin where the Levi's squad is currently staying.
And at that certain moment, Eren found himself quite compelled to not think of Mikasa and what makes her Mikasa; it was quite inevitable, to be frank. Her eyelashes were long and entangled against each other like tumbleweeds after the rain, draped and damp from tears. Her knees were slightly curled up as her arms were warmly tucked beneath her head. Eren wanted to touch her, perhaps have his fingers run through her hair that was of chamomile scent and feel her soft breath tickle his skin.
Mikasa looked serene, probably had escaped into a more beautiful place through thoughts and dreams that were in vain. And with that thought crossing his mind, Eren couldn't help but feel a tinge of guilt crept through his bones.
Out of the blue, he pondered: what would it be like when there was no Mikasa?
Confound that thought! He could live without MIkasa! As if she was a must, or a necessity, or. . . well, isn't she?
It sliced through his insides to just even think of it; what more if it be put to actions? Sure, Mikasa could be annoying and persistent as hell, but at that moment (not an ideal one, though) he decided that he could never be able to live from something that he had grown so fond of.
Eren knelt down just before the couch and looked at Mikasa. He was a good few inches away from her; he intently gazed at how the faint moonlight cradled her face in the dark of the ghosts. She shifted from her position, and Eren moved away a little.
He gently put a warm hand upon her shoulder and quietly shook her, "Mikasa."
She grunted and said something through deep murmurs.
"Hey, Mikasa. Come on; let's get you to your quarters."
She took a deep breath and slowly blinked her eyes. Within a few moments, she had managed to identify Eren's face in the dark. "Eren," she said through yawns as she lazily straightened up.
"Hey," he stood up from his post. "It's already late. Get back to your room."
"Why are you still awake?" she rubbed her eyes and tiredly tamed her hair. "Did you have a nightmare?"
He rolled his eyes at her remarks. "As if I were the one who used to wake up in the middle of the night because of nightmares."
Mikasa suddenly felt heat gathered up to her face; she quickly nuzzled half of her face in the red scarf that was idly hanging loose from her neck.
Eren watched her; and while doing so, he caught himself rather off guard. God, it was just Mikasa. She looked pretty all of a sudden. Where on earth did the idea of her being pretty pop from? It's not that she was not pretty, in fact, back then when Mikasa just moved into their household, Eren would intently had his gaze fixed upon her as she worked in the kitchen with his mother. Maybe she's the only girl who's a little bit prettier than mom. And his mom would catch him staring at Mikasa; he would simply turn his head away as he shifted uncomfortably in his seat and tried to calm the red in his cheeks.
"Is there something wrong?" Mikasa asked, as she looked up to him with all the cares and worries through her opal eyes.
"Quit it, Mikasa. Nothing's wrong." He cleared his throat as he sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck.
"Are you sure?"
"I said I'm fine Mikasa." Eren said, with a voice barely used at two in the morning. "Anyway," he sat down beside her, making sure that there was not a part of him touching her, because it rather shook him off for whatever reason. "why are you here?"
"Miss Hanji, along with Moblit and her squad went out on experimentation. I'm assigned on patrol tonight."
"Late at night?"
She gathered up her hair to the side. Eren noticed how much her hair had gotten longer. Either way, he decided that he doesn't care at all. It's just hair. "Yeah. She said that it would be easier to move at night. She thought it would be safer, she said. Eyes are shuttered close during the night, you know?"
She raised an eyebrow at him, and he just stupidly nodded. "Any idea on what they are experimenting on?"
She shook her head and yawned, the traces of sleep still evident in her droopy eyes. "How about you, why are you up? Nightmares?" She slightly nudged him in the shoulders, making Eren's bones dissolve into pools.
"Really, Mikasa? Would you like me to remind you of how you used to crawl up to my bed while crying in the middle of the night?"
"Ok, ok. You got me." She chuckled softly, putting up her hands in the air as a sign of defeat in their childish game.
"No, you started it." He said as he pulled up his legs and faced her, grinning stupidly as ever. "I honestly don't know why you act so motherly around me, when all along I'm the one whom you ran to."
"Please Eren." She grunted and rolled her eyes. "That was a long time ago."
"Doesn't seem that long to me."
"What do you want, Eren?" She asked as she faced him, putting up the deadpan face in front of him.
"That face won't do. I'm not Jean, you know." He said teasingly, and it managed to make Mikasa turn scarlet. He smiled at seeing her blush, and he suddenly realized what he did there and he wanted to bang his head hard against the wall. "Sorry," he murmured.
She gripped her scarf and readjusted it. "It's okay."
The night was at its deepest; nothing seemed to be moving except for the two of them. And sometimes, Eren wished that it could always be like this; the world is theirs and theirs alone at that very moment. It was a worldly and temporary escapism for the both of them, but escape had never really been one of his options at all. It could pull them back to the gruesome and demented reality within the slightest flicker of the eye or snap of the fingers, the reality that had forever inflicted its nails and teeth through their skins.
"Hey," Mikasa tilted her head downwards to face Eren. "You okay? You suddenly shifted there."
He looked at Mikasa, and it slapped him. He was looking at someone who had invested her life and all her breaths to him. "I just, uh, thought of something."
"Hm?"
He shook his head. "It's nothing, really."
"Come on, you could always tell me. Something's bothering you. What is it?"
He sighed loudly and leaned his head backward, near the window, making its faint light glow upon the crest of Eren's head. "Remember that one time when we used to sneak out in the middle of the night?"
Mikasa's eyes shifted to weird stares as her eyebrows scrunched in confusion. "Yeah, I remember that. How could I forget it?"
"And remember how you got your sleeves torn by one of the branches back at the hills?" He asked with the glitter in his eyes that she was all too familiar with.
"You kept tugging on me!" She chuckled at remembering this. "It was quite hard to keep that scratch from your mother."
Eren managed to pull off a light laugh as they recalled what they did back then. God, since when was the last time he shove away all his cares and just laugh at what he and Mikasa used to do? Probably years. . .
Then as he would later claim it, his hand moved at its own. It grabbed the strands of the soft fabric that was wrapped around Mikasa. Mikasa looked down from his hands then up to Eren. "Why do you still cling to this, huh?"
She let her fingers run through the soft and tattered scarf, until it brushed against Eren's own hand. He felt something electric at the contact, and it made him gulp. "I don't know." She shrugged. "I mean, it means a lot to me."
He nodded and let go of the scarf. She sighed deeply and leant back at the couch. "I know I've said this before." Her fingers innocently fiddled with the strands of the wool. "but thank you. And you might get annoyed by me saying it all over again, but I owe you my li—"
"If you're doing all of this because you think you've got a debt or someth—"
"It's not that I feel indebted to you!" she said as she tried to hide her face with a part of her hair. "I know that I am, and don't you tell me, Eren, that I am not. But it is something beyond paying you back."
He crossed his arms. "Then what is it?"
"You'll know." She offered her a small smile; not the flashy proud smile. The smile that defined Mikasa. It was rather rare and exclusive, and Eren was one of the few who got to see it in her. He felt his face go warm at her smile, and so he quickly shifted his sight at something else.
"Anyway, you don't need to worry anymore." He cleared his throat.
"Worry about what?"
"Nothing." He laughed. "I told you, nothing."
"Oh, Eren, stop that." She scoffed at his stupid statements. Nothing to worry about? Ha! There's a laugh. It was mere wishful thinking. She had long ago given up on that; it was a demented notion, something considerably impossible. And to think of such would only get one into wrenches and broken dreams.
"Nah, I mean it, Mikasa. You don't need to worry. And Armin too."
She laughed and pulled her legs near her chest. "Ok then. You said it."
"I promised Armin we'll get out of these walls. And I promised you we'll always be together, right?"
She shot him a stare. Eren looked back at her with his green eyes, bearing all the hopes and promises he had set himself of reaching. She knew he was persistent and nothing could ever alter his mind. And then she broke in front of him. Hot tears prickled her eyes as she felt all the grudges and rocks and ghosts of her red-tainted memories were lifted up.
"Hey," he cupped her face as he thumbed away her tears. "why are you crying?"
She shook her head. "I'm not crying."
"Really, Mikasa?" he chuckled. She really was a cry-baby.
And they were just like that: her choking on her sobs as he constantly tried to wipe away all her tears. And nothing else mattered, because it was just the two of them. They owned the world, it was theirs and theirs alone, and no threats awaited them on the dawn. But it was only something they wished off.
Out of the blue, he pondered once again: what would it be like when there was no Mikasa?
"Mikasa," he tested her name upon his tongue as he reluctantly let go of her. "if we weren't here, would you still stay with me?"
She wiped the remaining tears with the back of her hand. "Of course, you dummy! I'll always be with you."
"I think it's my fault. I'm sorry."
"For what, Eren?"
"For dragging you here." He ran his fingers through his unkempt hair as he sighed.
"I joined at my own risk."
"But you only joined because I joined."
"I thought you said we'll always be together?" she shot him a stare.
He rolled his eyes. "Of course, but urgh. You're so stubborn."
"Stubborn? It's you who's stubborn! And what is this, all of the sudden? Why don't you just tell me?" He felt Mikasa's gaze turned to worrying.
"Nothing. I was just thinking what would happen if, you know, things took a different turn rather."
"A different turn? What do you mean?"
"I, uh, I don't know. I mean, have you ever wondered what it would be like if we haven't met at all, or if—if, um your—"
"If that night didn't happen?"
He gulped. He didn't like talking about that night, neither did she. It was an unspoken rule that they mutually agreed to; it didn't have to be said, their tinges and thoughts were enough. "Yes."
Mikasa chewed on her lower lip. She had not thought of it at all. If Eren hadn't saved her, she would probably resented living, but if that night did not occur, she had not yet thought of what might happen. Things would have probably made a different turn. "I don't know."
"I'm sorry." He shifted uncomfortably in the couch. "I know we're not supposed to be talking about this."
"It's okay. I understand." She tucked her arms upon the windowsill and rested her head upon it. "Maybe you're just over-thinking."
"Maybe." He nodded in agreement.
"But to be honest, I think I like the way how things took its turn that night."
"Really?" his eyebrows scrunched at the middle of his forehead. "How come?"
Her shoulders shrugged as she looked out on the window. "We wouldn't be like this, you know."
"Like what?"
"Like how we are right now." She tilted her head to face Eren. "I don't know what's it called."
"Yeah, I think so too. I wouldn't change it for the world, you know."
She looked at him and instantly knew how he all meant his words. He was Eren, and Eren kept everything, and she need not to doubt a word he says.
"I'm just wondering," his eyes shifted from Mikasa to what was outside the window. "if things did take a different turn, would you still sneak out with me in the middle of the night?" He flashed her a big grin.
She giggled at the thought. "I don't know, but it would be my mom asking me where I got those scratches rather than yours."
Eren let hearty laughs escape from him; it would be rare for things like these to happen. He burrowed his face in the crown of her head. The night was all they have as of now; embracing all its stars and vestiges and promises was all that they could do. And so they did, they embraced it, as they embraced each other, as he sought comfort in her, and she with him.
But the night, just like their nested-dreams and bottled-hopes, slipped of their palms. The dawn would come, and it would rob them of their dreamscape, and they were deprived once again. But like Mikasa to her battered-up scarf, they both cling to every part of everything, even the ones that were just mere fragments of their mad minds.
Their fates did not assure them of safety or even a future; they could die the moment they embark on another expedition. It did not assure them the promise of witnessing the sea. But Eren would go at certain extents to alter it. He would let his inner demons go wild and dance with his soul, but he would go through hell and the highest of waters to keep his promise. He would, as the fate or whatever you call it would allow, even if it took rather different turns, be with Mikasa forever.
And that was all that matters.
