Maggie's day starts in more or less the same way for the remainder of the week; adrenaline-fueled panting and the taste of blood lingering on the inside of her mouth. Slowly, she eases herself into something half resembling a sitting position, apprehensive of her ability to move with muscles aching from being clenched for what feels like hours. The only sound in the quiet of the early morning is the harsh gasping as she wakes from another nightmare.
The shower is too hot, and Maggie stares at her reflection as the steam invades the tiny bathroom. Lucid, if a little pained, brown eyes stare back at her, and Maggie wonders briefly where the innocent girl from all those years ago went, as the burning droplets of water leave red marks on her skin.
It's almost irrational, and entirely absurd, Maggie speculates, shoving textbooks into her locker before the bell rings, how these days, her mood is half dependent on memories of her family, of the abrupt end to her childhood, and half on how hard she's falling for Alex Danvers, neither of which are bringing around anything good right now.
And if there's one thing Maggie wants to know, it's when everything got so damn complicated.
It's only eight in the morning, and Maggie can already tell it's a bad day. A Bad Day. The ones where there's no obvious reason for the heavy, hollow weight in her chest, made of both concrete and empty space. The ones with no real explanation for the resentment of every passing second. The ones that come without warning, without reason, with promises of guilt, promises of pain, promises of the look in her eyes that's both entirely vacant and entirely, overwhelming present.
The sound of Kara's overly-cheerful voice a few feet away would've made Maggie jump, but the heaviness in her chest is preventing any strong reaction to anything right now, so she forces a smile as Alex approaches her.
And Alex Danvers is nothing if not attentive, nothing if not intelligent far beyond her years, and she doesn't fail to pick up on the bruise-like shadows, the haunted emptiness replacing the usual glint in Maggie's eyes.
If it were anyone else, Alex might freeze, but she knows that look, recognises the hollow exhaustion, because her own Bad Days are filled with panic, with adrenaline and too-fast breathing, filled with insecurity and the all-consuming terror of unfulfilled potential and guilt, all logic having unparalleled unimportance. Alex knows, and she hates that Maggie, of all people, is just as much a victim of herself as Alex is.
And some part of her sighs, because she got all that from a look.
"Danvers."
It's blunt and brimming with enervation, and Alex suppresses the urge to hug her. She's caught in Maggie's gaze, lost in the depth of a silent conversation, and the rest of the world fades away every time Maggie breathes.
"You're coming, right? Alex? Maggie?" Lucy wants to know, unaware that neither of them were listening.
"The party?" Alex asks, her eyes still not leaving Maggie's.
"Yes. My party. Tonight. If your asses aren't there by nine, I'm coming to kidnap you both."
"Actually Lucy, I don't think I'm up to-" Alex says, eyes darting back towards Maggie.
"We'll be there," Maggie interrupts, closing her locker and walking away.
"Alex, have you seen my mascara?" Kara yells from her bedroom.
"Kara, it's probably in your hand. Again."
"Right," the younger Danvers mumbles around a giant mouthful of pizza.
"Does your sister ever eat anything else?" Maggie enquires, glancing up from her phone. She's lying on Alex's bed, waiting for her friend to come out of the bathroom.
"I'm pretty sure I saw a tub of ice cream at some point," Alex says with a smirk, stepping into the room. Maggie has to put all her concentration into not choking on her own breath, because, Rao, this is the first time she's seen Alex in anything but a flannel or an old band t-shirt, and Maggie is trying really hard not to stare.
"Wow. You're breath-taking," Maggie says before she can stop herself, her stomach twisting into knots when she realises that she'd spoken aloud.
Alex chuckles awkwardly.
"Uh, pros of an overbearing mother… I'm good at eyeliner," Alex mutters, blushing so hard Maggie is concerned about the blood vessels in her cheeks.
Alex sits down beside her on the bed.
"You clean up nice too, Maggie, with, uh, the shoes and the hair and all the…" she trails off, cheeks pinker than they were before.
Maggie grins, her dimples coming out in a way that leaves Alex breathless.
Alex gives up on trying to construct a coherent sentence regarding Maggie's appearance and sits down on the bed next to her.
"We don't have to go, you know. If you're not feeling up to it. We could stay here… watch a movie or something."
"I'm good, honestly. It's nothing."
"I'm not saying you have to talk about it or anything, but it's not nothing."
A few seconds pass before Maggie can bring herself to look up from her hands. Her heart is racing, again, and at this point, Maggie's kind of sick of the fight-or-flight feeling every time Alex glances at her. She doesn't want to burden Alex with her problems, but Maggie's come to know that Alex loves with a fierceness that draws you in like an insect to a flame, knowing it's going to hurt like hell but not being able to turn around.
"Stupid therapist keeps throwing words at me."
Alex's hand has somehow found its way into hers, thumb tracing her palm like she's been doing it for years. It feels so natural that Maggie relaxes immediately into the touch. There's something perfect about the way they fit together like it's the simplest thing in the world.
"I know the feeling," Alex murmurs with a nod.
Maggie raises her head, tilting it questioningly to the side. The corner of Alex's mouth lifts in a half smile, her eyes softening under the warmth of Maggie's gaze.
"Anxiety. Oh, and post-traumatic stress from… from my Dad."
Maggie nods, letting her fingers intertwine with Alex's. Friends do this, she thinks, repeating it like a mantra in her head, we're just close friends. That's all.
"Mine keeps bringing up PTSD and bipolar disorder… with the whole ups and downs thing."
Alex nods, suppressing the urge to lean in and kiss her.
"Seeing as we're confessing things here, and I said I wanted to tell you," Maggie begins, swallowing the lump in her throat as Alex looks up at her through her eyelashes, releasing her hand. "Look, I grew up in Nebraska. They don't like it there if you're the slightest bit different."
"So I've heard."
"I was fourteen. It was Valentine's Day, and I had this friend, Eliza Wilke. She'd moved from New York that year." Maggie sighs, and Alex doesn't miss the shakiness to her breath. "She was the first girl I knew I liked in a way that was… different. I'm stupid, so I decided to put a card in her locker telling her how much I liked watching horror movies with her, stealing her Mom's cigarettes. Telling her how much I liked her."
"That was brave."
The comment is completely unanticipated and Maggie stares at her in confusion.
"It was stupid. I was stupid, Alex."
"Maggie, I could never have done that. I'm-" Alex's eyes widen, but if Maggie notices her mistake, she doesn't comment, "I would be terrified," she corrects.
Maggie shrugs, because she has a lot of thoughts about what she did that day, but brave? Brave sure as hell isn't one of them.
"I didn't see her again after that. She gave that card to her parents, and they called my parents," Maggie swallows, "When I got home, my Dad had a suitcase in the car and he dropped me off on the side of the road. Haven't heard from them since."
"I'm sorry, Maggie. You deserve so much better than that."
"It's… whatever," Maggie sighs, pulling away slightly.
"No, it's not whatever, you matter."
Maggie nods tearfully and leans into Alex's open arms with a half-suppressed sniffle.
"Don't we have a party to get to, Danvers?" Maggie reminds her once Alex lets go.
"Well, I'd rather not have my ass handed to me by Little Lane," Alex rolls her eyes as Maggie grins, "but don't ever call her that to her face. She'd kill you."
"Come in, drink the stolen alcohol," Lucy greets them with a wide grin as the door opens.
"Stolen?" Alex questions, chuckling as Maggie laughs behind her.
"Whatever. Lois helped. A bit."
"Nice one, Lane," Maggie comments, taking a plastic cup of beer, smiling at Lucy's attempt at being mysterious.
"She said beer is the strongest thing we're getting," Lucy makes a face, making Alex laugh. "And we only have a few bottles."
"My favourite ladies!" James calls from across the room, "we're missing half the dream team."
"Winn, Lena and Kara are only fourteen. They're not allowed at parties," Alex says wryly, touching her cup with Lucy's.
"Speaking of which, is there something we're celebrating, or are we drinking just for the hell of it?" Maggie wonders allowed.
Lucy pats her on the back with a laugh before answering the door again to Vasquez.
"I'll take that as a yes," Alex mutters under her breath, catching Maggie's eye.
"To coming out?" Maggie whispers in her ear, the thumping of Lucy's speakers concealing her words from the rest of the group.
Alex blushes at the closeness, nodding as she touches her cup to Maggie's. She swallows, grimacing slightly at the taste.
"What are we drinking to?" James asks, raising an eyebrow as Lucy and Vasquez join them on the couch.
"I don't know about Alex, – wait, yes I do – but Vasquez?" Lucy grins, pressing a kiss to their lips as James claps. "To new relationships."
"Ugh," Alex sighs melodramatically, "when did all this… growing up happen? We were twelve, like, two weeks ago."
"Alexandra, you haven't changed since middle school," Lucy grins at her, imitating Eliza's patronising tone.
"If you call me that again, I'll kill you," Alex threatens, unable to keep the smirk off her face as James falls over laughing, because Lucy's impression of Eliza is scarily accurate.
"No, Alexandra," Lucy chastises her, "I can't die before I've accomplished my mission."
Oh God. Or Rao. Any deity will do at this point, because Alex is having flashbacks to last year when Lucy started asking far too many questions about why Alex never had a crush on anyone. She notices with a sigh that James has invited half the football team – even more people to witness her humiliation. Perfect.
"Mission?" she questions, avoiding everyone else's eye contact in favour of glaring at Lucy.
"I'm going to find you someone to give your first kiss before your birthday. You're nearly seventeen, for God's sake."
"What if I don't want to?" Alex mutters, forcing herself not to look at Maggie as her jaw clenches.
Luckily, Lucy doesn't hear her, but shouts something about only having one more month over the thudding music that was evidently chosen by James in return for the bottle of vodka Alex has just noticed on the table.
She bites her lip, staring at her cup and deliberating whether or not to get a coke instead. She wants to be completely sober for this – whatever this is – because she's decided that she'd rather rip the Band-Aid off quickly with the whole coming out thing than let herself agonise over it.
Alex half-yells something about getting a drink and goes to the kitchen by herself, almost having a heart attack when she practically walks into a girl with dark hair, whom Alex recognises vaguely from school. They both try to apologise at the same time, and the girl chuckles while she introduces herself as Darla. Maggie must know her from one of the few classes she and Alex don't share, because Darla's hug lasts longer than Alex thinks is the average, and she feels slightly uneasy as she sits down next to Maggie, turning the can over and over in her hands.
"Truth or dare, Lucy?" Vasquez suggests, sitting down on a bean bag next to their girlfriend.
"Sounds like fun," Lucy agrees, throwing an evil grin in Alex's direction.
Alex pretends not to hear the 'at least it wasn't Spin the Bottle' Lucy mutters in her ear. She watches as Maggie downs the rest of her beer, glancing quickly at the floor when she catches Maggie returning her stare.
It's Lucy's turn first, something about when she realised she was bi, then Darla dares James to take a shot of vodka, and by the time it gets to Maggie, Alex is beginning to hate Darla without any real reason except the way she's sitting too close to Maggie and how she keeps smiling at her.
"Maggie, you're up."
James' voice catches Alex's attention and she makes herself take a sip of her drink, her heart thudding as she notices Darla's hand resting on Maggie's knee. She looks away before she can see Maggie move subtly away from the other girl.
"Really, James?" she complains, reaching over to pour more beer into the plastic cup.
"What's wrong with that?" Lucy asks innocently, eyeing Alex, who has conveniently become fascinated with staring at the wall.
"Nothing. Uh, truth. Is that safer?" she asks with a light chuckle as Alex shrugs without really looking at anyone.
"Danvers, you good?" Maggie murmurs, her lips close enough to Alex's ear that she has to disguise her flinch as a cough while she nods.
"Do you like anyone?"
"Very middle school, James," Lucy observes, "but still a good question."
Maggie tries not to look at Alex, but laughs anyway when Lucy cheers.
"I knew it."
"Hey, I never answered," Maggie protests.
"You didn't have to. I can tell."
"Just one of your many talents, Lane," Maggie says dryly, taking a sip out of the bottle James passes to her. The alcohol smells like nail polish remover and tastes even worse, making her throat burn as she swallows it. It's against her better judgement, but she's trying not to think about Alex right now – especially while sitting next to her – and vodka seems to be working pretty well to numb the throbbing in her chest every time Alex smiles.
"Darla, truth or dare?"
"Dare," she replies without missing a beat, eyes sparkling as she looks at Maggie from the corner of her eye.
Darla's pretty, Maggie acknowledges, sighing when her chest tightens, because right now, she can't bring herself to think of anyone that way but Alex.
"Here, let's make this more interesting," Lucy exclaims, winking dramatically at James. Alex notices that Lucy's a little more than tipsy at this point. There's thud as a plastic bottle ends up on the floor.
"I dare you to kiss whoever this lands on," James says.
Darla nods, taking another sip from the bottle of vodka. "Alright then, spin it."
The bottle spins in slow motion as Maggie swallows the last of her beer and crushes the cup in her fist, watching as Alex walks back into the kitchen with her phone to answer Kara's call.
Of course, the bottle lands on her.
In her semi-drunken haze from too much alcohol in too short a time, Maggie struggles to focus on Darla leaning towards her with parted lips and an easy grin. Darla's lips brush hers once – just for a split second – before she can focus enough to pull away, because her heart is pounding, and all she can think about is Alex, Alex, Alex.
Maggie turns around only to see Alex staring at her with wide eyes sparkling with barely-hidden tears. Her phone is in her hand and she's clutching tightly in her fist, now standing alone in the centre of the room.
"I'm sorry," she chokes out again, her voice cracking as she refuses to meet Maggie's eyes. "I have to go."
"Alex, don't go-" Maggie calls after her, getting up to follow her.
"I'll see you."
And without another word, Alex is gone.
