Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece, but I do acknowledge using Eiichiro Oda's characters without his permission.

Warning: AU, OOC, profanity, slash, modern-fantasy setting. Um...do not take this seriously. LOL

A/N: anno miss—of course I would reply to reviews! I might...uh...be late or whichever, but I truly do appreciate comments! Salt—Thank you! To all my reviewers and Alerters…thanks so much. I'm happy that peeps are reading this story and get a kick out of it---it's so much different from my doom and gloom stories…

A/N2: …With this chapter, I am sorry to offend. All views expressed in this chapt are not to be taken seriously. LOL

:Temptation Waits:

Sanji studied himself in the mirror.

For years he'd dressed for impressing the ladies, to also make himself feel confident and secure. He dressed to stand out amongst the plain and the headache of those around him. But today...today Sanji was going to see what it took to attract a man.

Heart racing with nervousness, he took in his appearance. He looked rather stylish; the pin-striped pants, the buttoned shirt, the tie, the matching pin-striped vest...it all made him slim and tall, and it presented quite a nice picture, if he could say so of himself. His wallet chain hung comfortably from his belt loop and wallet...while he was studying that, he turned to the side and examined the bulge of the object. His forehead furrowed as he wondered how long he'd been walking around with the item. It made his ass seem lopsided.

He yanked out the wallet and unhooked the chain, setting both onto the counter. Then he cautiously turned to the side, examining his ass once more. With a grimace, he reached back with both hands to rub down both cheeks, as if groping himself would give himself some answers. He pursed his lips with thought, brow furrowing as he tested the solidarity of his ass. Why hadn't he given more thought to it, before? Isn't that what men looked for, first...in a man?

Kneading his ass cheeks for a few moments, he thought of how it might appeal to the eyes of others, then found himself flustered for even going there.

"Yup. It's your ass," Zoro said gravely, Sanji startling with a choked inhale on his cig.

"GET OUT!"

"You're hogging the bathroom. I have to drop the kids off at the pool, and I come in here to see what's taking so long, only to catch you molesting yourself. Man."

Sanji rolled his eyes, and re-fastened his wallet chain. "I wasn't 'molesting' myself, asshole. I was just...making sure these pants still...fit. Whatever."

Zoro snorted. "You were touching yourself. Sick bastard. What if one of the kids saw? They'd think it was okay to molest themselves."

"I was NOT—!"

"Were too!" Zoro crossed his arms, settling against the doorframe. "Are you really going to go gay? I mean, seriously—think about it. You are absolutely not gay."

"Yes I am—! Wait." Sanji struggled to get a hold of himself. "I'm not talking about this to an imbecile who doesn't know his way out of a paper bag—"

"Duh, you go UP."

"—so I'm not even gonna bother. And for the record, I was NOT touching myself." Sanji flipped his hair to the side, making sure that his reflection reviewed just the right amount of fluffiness that he'd wanted. Zoro rolled his eyes. "I was just making sure my clothes still fit. I haven't worn these in a while."

"You wore them Tuesday!"

"Oh, you would know?! You keep track of what I wear?!"

"NO!" With a huff, Zoro slipped around him with his pants and underwear halfway down his thighs and posed over the toilet. Sanji threw himself backward in another dramatic recoil. "Where's the matches?"

"I used them."

"Aw hell. Well, I can't wait. The turtle's saying hi to me already. Hello there, Mr. Turtle."

"You filthy ape!" Sanji growled before slamming the door shut and striding toward the front.

Seeing that Ussop, Chopper and Luffy were sitting before the tv, studiously avoiding his look, Sanji narrowed his eyes. The teens' skin (and in one case, fur) grew suspiciously moist in that second; Sanji wondered just how much they'd overheard and what they wanted to say. But he whirled around, deciding that it really wasn't any of their business. Explaining himself to anybody in this household would only turn him nuts.

He grabbed a casual blazer from the coat tree and strode outside. As he walked up the sidewalk toward the university, his mind was racing. How was he supposed to attract a man? Did looking as he did work? Or was he going to have to change a few things?

Sweat beaded upon his brow as he realized that he was giving weighty thought to the matter. He was seriously thinking about how to attract guys. Men. Males. In all his life (so far) he'd pursued women. He'd never given thought to men—what started him down this crazy road was a woman (many, actually) that had rejected him. Did he truly want to go this far all because of one (hundreds) of rejection? And what would attract him to a man, anyway?

With this in mind, Sanji snorted, flicking away the warm filter. He lit up another, and decided to spy on fellow schoolmates. Upon reaching the campus, he took to a table within the quad, where he was able to see everyone. Buccaneers, cooks, wood workers, the works. He couldn't help but curl his lip with distaste as he zoomed in on anything that looked to have a dick. Men were either very burly and unkempt, or lanky and absolutely spineless. But all of them had expressions of fierceness, as if their next class was going to be their very last. Which sometimes happened, considering the courses.

Sanji had to wonder what sort of man would fit him—evoking a full body blush that burned from the top of his scalp to the bottom of his feet. He shifted in his seat uncomfortably, flicking ashes to the side. Hands shaking, he steepled them in front of him, feeling absolutely naked and uncertain. He could hear Zoro, then—insisting that he wasn't gay.

That only steeled Sanji's resolve. How dare that bastard tell him what he wasn't and was? It wasn't Zoro's place to be the authority on things that Sanji thought and felt. He had to prove the bastard wrong.

Conflicted with things, Sanji scowled out at the campus, still looking for a man.

Later on that day, Zoro awoke from his nap with a start. His hands went to his swords in an instant, but his eyes narrowed to slits as they focused directly upon Nami. When she realized that he was awake, she sat down beside him with a weary sigh. Zoro laid back against the tree, snorting as he gave the campus a momentary sweep of interest. "Whattaya want, witch?"

"I...I was just wondering how...how every one is doing," Nami said slowly. Her lip gloss sparkled momentarily. "I heard you guys were going through some financial troubles, and—"

"You're sticking your nose into shit just to know what Sanji's doing. Sanji's over you, woman. Moved onto, uh, bigger...uh...things." Zoro snorted again, squeezing his eyes tight as he tried not to give too much thought to his own words.

Nami frowned. "... 'Bigger' things? Like...who?"

"Like not you sorta things. Leave me alone."

For a few moments, Nami thought over some things before reaching up to fiddle with a tendril of hair. Her breasts threatened to spill out over the low-cut design of her shirt as she hunched over, resting elbows onto knees. She looked over at Zoro, wincing slightly at the loud snores that he emitted. Reaching over, she pinched his nostrils shut, and grew annoyed when he shifted to breathe though his mouth instead.

"I feel bad," she confessed. "He had such a...sad...look on his face. I shouldn't have to feel this way, Zoro, but I do. I did all that I could do to make him stop chasing me, but he just wouldn't—and I thought this way would do so much better, and every time I think of it, I realize just how shitty I was. I could have just let him down gently, like a normal woman would, but I just—I just had to prove a point."

She looked over to see if Zoro was listening, but judging from the visible snot bubble, she guessed that her words floated over his sleeping head. She sighed, absently plucking at the grass around her.

"I like you a lot, Zoro. I wish you would just acknowledge that. But I guess...I guess I can understand a little of Sanji's stupid thinking. Chasing after someone that I can't have, and doing everything I can just to...just to get them to notice me. I identify with him, I guess, so...I guess that's why I feel a little worse about things. I just...I just wish things were different."

Zoro snorted in his sleep. Nami shifted with a frown, looking over at him. Figuring that he heard nothing of what she said, she reached down and tugged on his earrings before rising to a stand. Brushing off her mini-skirt, she walked off, sure that her secret was safe.

Meanwhile, the swords that Zoro kept close seem to snicker.

-

"Well? Did you succeed?" Zoro asked Sanji later, while the cook worked over the stove. With a wide grin, Zoro leaned on the counter with his usual bottle of grog. He had his swords over his lap, a bottle of polish nearby and a dirty rag lying on the floor. "Find the man of your dreams?"

"First off, asshole, no. I didn't. I—I honestly wouldn't know where to start," Sanji confessed, flipping the contents within the wok with a pair of chopsticks. "And second...STOP SPEAKING OF MY SECRET MISSION OUT LOUD!"

Zoro ducked the high-flying kick, and resettled once Sanji resumed cooking. Eying his swords thoughtfully, wondering if he'd missed any areas. "C'mon. Honestly. 'Secret mission'? 'ch. We don't have secrets in this house."

"It is a mission of personal discovery. Ace may behave as an idiot, may look like an idiot—but he is honest and happens to see things where others can't." Sanji nodded, dumping sauce into the mixture and giving it another toss. The spicy smell of seafood and spices filled the air, earning an appreciative sniff from Zoro before the green-haired bounty hunter remembered what he was doing.

"You're taking advice from Ace?" Zoro asked, aghast as he thought of the shirtless man. "That narcoleptic fool doesn't even know what he's doing half the time!"

"Ace...is a very nice man. Unlike you."

Zoro studied his drink, sloshing it around within the bottle before settling it down onto the counter. With a heavy sigh, he rested chin onto palm, staring thoughtfully at the ceiling. "So...Ace was the one that suggested you go gay. What's up with that? What made him want to even go there in the first place?"

Sanji didn't answer for a few moments, tossing the contents of the wok. He then shifted to check on the rice and the sauce that bubbled nearby. "It's none of your business," he finally said, sniffing haughtily.

Zoro thought of the black haired man, pants hanging obscenely low on bony hips. He gave Kitetsu a shake, feeling the sudden urge to draw and slice at random. "Did he take pity on you? Poor Sanji, can't get a chick...so Ace suggested, and I say that loosely, to chase after guys. HAH! Wait, what's in it for Ace?"

"Zoro, you bastard, stop talking about it."

"The guy I've known for years suddenly rounds about and wants a guy?! Man, I'm all befuddled and confused and, quite frankly, it's driving me to drink more than usual. I hate having a reason to drink."

Sanji shot him an irritated expression, and then rolled at his eyes over the finished bottles of grog that lay nearby. "You don't need a reason to drink, meat-head. Quit blaming me for being your weakness."

"Don't give me that---! That sounds gay!"

"I'm practicing!"

"Not on me, asshole!"

Sanji snickered before kicking out, missing Zoro's head by inches before neatly pivoting to adjust the stove's controls to lower the flames. "Don't flatter yourself, jerk-off."

"So—!" Zoro gripped the neck of his bottle, giving it a shake before narrowing his eyes. "I just don't get it, Sanji. Enlighten me."

"Zoro, I can't count how many times I have tried enlightening you. That is completely beyond anybody's help."

"Whatever, flop-head. But, hey, does that mean that Ace is...too?"

Sanji turned and looked at Zoro with a raised eyebrow. "I...don't know. No, don't ask—!"

"Luffy, your bro gay and stuff?" Zoro then asked, lifting away from the counter.

"Gay? Uh...well...I dunno! You'll have to ask him, Zoro! Why? Are you interested?" Luffy asked, never looking away from the tv screen, Chopper's character pummeling his. Ussop looked up from his homework, blinking long lashes while he tried to absorb what had been said.

"No I'm not interested!" Zoro barked. But then his lips spread into a leer as he looked over his shoulder at Sanji. "But I know someone who is..."

"Who?!" Luffy cried, glancing over, Zoro turning to face him, gesturing with a thumb behind him.

Sanji allowed the sole of his foot to meet the back of Zoro's head, bottle of grog flying while the swordsman stumbled forward. Ussop caught the flying grog in mid-air, Chopper looking at the spectacular catch with huge eyes. Even while looking away from the screen, he continued to press random buttons, throwing Luffy's character into submission while Luffy screamed in frustration.

"Zoro's questioning his sexuality, so he's looking for comparison of some sort," Sanji said quickly.

"Zoro if you're gay, it's totally okay," Luffy placated, using a foot to push Chopper away from him, trying to distract the little reindeer from beating him. "I'll still love you. Love is love and knows no boundaries...I'm sure Sanji will share with you his clothes."

"Hey—!" Sanji sputtered, but wasn't sure what else to say.

"I'm not gay!" Zoro shouted, stomping over to swipe the grog from Ussop.

"Zoro, we'll totally still, uh, like you," Ussop attempted. "I mean, it won't change you, or anything...right? Unless the reason why you're friends with Nami is just because...well...keeping appearances isn't always the best way to go about denying yourself what you truly are."

"Real men accept themselves," Luffy added gravely, nodding.

Chopper's eyes glittered. "A real man...!"

"I'm not denying—! I'm not friends—! SANJI! TELL THEM WHY THIS CAME UP!" Zoro then roared, causing both Chopper and Ussop to cower.

"You're a man, Zoro! You're a real man! Accept yourself for being who you are!" Luffy hollered, face turning red with effort. "That's what real men do!"

"A real man—!" Chopper exclaimed.

"A real man!" Ussop shouted, just to join in.

"I am a man! I am all man!" Zoro shouted at them, veins popping up to view.

"All man?!" Chopper screamed in excitement.

"A man to like other men!" Luffy added, finger wandering its way to his nose. "Gee, Zoro, that'll be a little overkill. Dicks everywhere."

Ussop choked while Chopper tilted his head, blinking as an image of penises performing chorus line dancing popped into his head.

"Luffy, don't make me kill you."

Sanji cleared his throat and continued his watch over the stove.

Seething at Sanji's play of innocence, Zoro growled as he finished off his grog. "Fine. FINE. Play it that way. Yes, Luffy, I'm as gay as they come. I'm so unbelieveably gay. Watch out for Roronoa Zoro, the most feared bounty hunter in training BY GOD YES I'M GAY! But I'm still a MAN!"

Sanji laughed, but stopped once he realized that Zoro was itching to draw Kitetsu. He glanced down at his clothes with some calculating debate before deciding that he didn't want to lose the pair of pants he was wearing today. Kitetsu itself seemed to vibrate itself into Zoro's palm, but Zoro started to calm himself once he saw that Sanji wasn't going to instigate further.

"Er...that's nice, Zoro," Ussop muttered, unable to decide whether to look terrified or shocked, settling for something of a grimace instead.

"Good for you, Zoro! Maybe if you find a boyfriend, you won't feel so angry all the time. Maybe he can be an influence on your drinking habits, make you slow down a bit," Chopper chimed in, giving him a cheery expression.

"Oi, Zoro, does this mean you want me to ask if Ace wants to be your boyfriend? Is that it?" Luffy asked, turning away from his game to face him with a serious expression. "I guess I can, Zoro. You're my number one. Doesn't mean anything if you're gay. It's totally cool. I'm sure Ace will be fine with it. Maybe you guys can be happy together! And he can move in, and Sanji can move in with us, because he wouldn't want to be in the same room with you two sleeping there, which, I don't think you two will be sleeping there, and I can't even imagine what you two will be doing because you're both guys, but it'll be OKAY!"

Muttering under his breath, Zoro turned his back to them, glaring at Sanji's. Without much of a change in position, he hurled the empty grog bottle at the chef. Sanji stumbled over the stove with an awkward yelp, but managed to catch himself before disturbing any of the cooking food. With a growl, he turned to administer some payback but held himself still once he realized that Zoro wasn't going to give him any shit for what had just occurred. Rubbing his head, Sanji studied the green-haired man's murderous expression. He then gave him a small smile of gratitude and turned back to the stove.

-

"It's way more believeable if people think you're gay, first," Sanji said later that night, while he was reviewing a few of his cookbooks in bed. Zoro was muttering in his daybed, glaring up at the ceiling with his arms crossed tightly over his chest. "I mean, it's almost expected of you. You're an aggressive meathead. Not that I'm saying all gay men are aggressive meatheads, I'm just sayin' that the more repressed ones are the ones that act upon denial."

"It's not even that that's bothering me," Zoro grumbled. "Fuck if I care if people think that about me. Hell...if it even gives me more grief, that's more challenges for me, more fights to win. But, I swear to God, if these pansies start crawling out of the woodworks to chase after me...I'll just—! I'll just—! Oh, I'll make you regret it, Sanji."

Sanji snickered, closing one book and then opening another. "Ooh. I'm scared. But what if Ace is gay, man? I mean...would that change your view of him?"

"Egh. Ace is Ace."

"Think about it, though. What if he is? I mean, apply what you think of Ace being gay to...to, like, me. Would it change your view of me?"

"My view of you is absolutely skewed at the moment. Can't decide whether you're a fucking bastard, or a motherfucking bastard. Which would be irrelevant because you're fucking gay, so you can't be a motherfucking bastard, but then I can't decide which epithet I want to use in place of something like motherfucking."

"Such profound thoughts!" Sanji cried. "You slay me, moss-head. Absolutely."

"...Like to follow through with that. Y'know. That 'slaying' part."

"HAH!" Sanji looked up from his book, unable to quell the smirk on his face. Zoro was still glaring at the ceiling. Studying his dark profile for a few moments, he then set his books aside, adjusting the sleeves of his pj's. "Anyway, like I said earlier—I wouldn't even know where to start. I possess every bit of arsenal in the books to acquire a woman, but what would it take to get a man…? Hmm…"

"This...is...so weird. Y'know, I don't even want to talk about it. But you know what? I'll be here, Sanji, watching you fail yet again. This is so not going to work. I don't know why you're even considering it!" Zoro then exclaimed, before reaching out to turn off the light. "Whatever. I'm hurting my head with all this nonsense."

Sanji stared up at the darkness of the room, letting a biting comment die before it even made its way to his tongue. He thought of the compliments Ace had given him—the way he'd felt to be on the receiving end of gushing adoration. He thought of warm lips against his palm, and shivered at the way remembered feelings made his skin tingle.

-

"I've performed a little research on your situation, Sanji," Chopper said, carefully depositing a few books onto the campus table. Sanji stopped chewing on a piece of rolled egg, pushing his bento box aside to look over the books that Chopper had lugged all around campus in his search for the blond.

Being that it was lunch time, Sanji had decided to avoid the usuals and eat in the secluded area behind the campus as to avoid any unwanted attention from his roommate(s). He was surprised enough to see that Chopper was on campus, and before he could question the high-schooler's presence, he found his eye drawn to the books that were being spread before him.

"I couldn't help but notice that it wasn't Zoro that is gay…it is actually you. I decided that I can't play naïve forever…there might be some real bloodshed in the future between you and Zoro, and I simply cannot allow it to continue while you debate on what to do in your pursuit of men."

Sanji choked and spewed, Chopper taking up a spot across from him, serious face on while he spread the books between them.

"I've taken the liberty in buying and dissecting the methods of attraction between gay men with these. They are called…doujinshi."

"Oh my GAWD—!" Sanji cried aloud in horror as he took in a cover on one of the books: an overmuscled, speedo wearing man with a feminine faced boy that looked suspiciously like him.

"Now, there is no such thing as shame between us, Sanji," Chopper scolded, flipping through a brightly colored book. "We've known each other long enough. Here—this is what they call an 'attacker'. Say-may."

"Chopper—!There is absolutely no need for this! Asshole! I'll kick y our ass! I am not—this is—! How dare you assume that I—! Just because I can't find a girl—!" Sanji exclaimed, rising to somehow cover all the books with one hand, and fumbling with the action. Turning bright red with mortification and shock that someone else knew of his 'secret', he ended up opening one of the books and finding a graphic scene depicting 'likeable' rape. He shrieked.

Chopper snatched the open book away from him, scolding, "Now, these aren't exactly truthful depictions, Sanji. I am simply using them to convey the easiest terms of homosexuality, in a light hearted and friendly manner."

"That was not 'friendly'!"

"I can't help you if you don't cooperate, asshole!" Chopper snapped, hitting the table with a hoof, and then gesturing hard at the bench. "Sit down and listen to me for a moment! I can help you! You've obviously no where to start, and by refusing my help, you're only going to find yourself going in the same direction as you had with the pursuit of women! Do you want to go that same route again?"

Sanji gaped at him. But he slowly sat, widened eyes staring down at the many depictions of homosexuality in front of him.

With a firm nod, Chopper returned to his lecture. "As such, I've learned that there are three basics in homosexuality. There are the Say-mays. And the Oo-keys. And then there's the basic structure of a love-hate relationship that inevitably turns to romantic love. Are we clear on the basics…?"

Sanji covered his face with both hands, sure that he could cook a few stir-fry dishes upon his forehead alone.

"With every discovered scene of becoming a homosexual, a man generally falls for either the overly muscled brawny type…or the stylish, utterly feminine individual that generally behaves in a manner of a young girl in love. Since I have deduced that you have not yet found your positioning as either, I cannot rightly for sure determine which role you'd take." Chopper gave him a considering look. "You're so stylish and thin like an oo-key that I'd think you the victim role. But then again, you have your moments of macho."

Sanji had lit a cigarette, hand shaking and smoke sputtering from mouth and nose. As he lent over to hack and cough over a badly inhaled action, Chopper resumed his speaking.

"Frankly, from reviewing your history of pursuing women, you tended to go for the more beautiful ones, the ones that were higher maintenance. From this, I deduce that you're the 'brawny' type. Perhaps you'd go well with another man that's more feminine, someone who prefers the victim role and can handle your moments of macho better than you would if you were in the reverse position."

Sanji choked again, nearly inhaling his cigarette to protest and to deny at the same moment.

"Another basic function of a gay man depicted here in these books is this." Chopper opened another book and turned it so that Sanji could clearly see the oo-key character consumed in mortal angst over some slight the say-may had committed. "An abundant amount of emotional turmoil. This is required of a homosexual, for it constitutes the grave choices they make when selecting a mate they've either bumped into quite accident on the subway, or were drawn into a gang-banging threat caused by others. Since neither situation applies to you—!"

"This is enough! This is BULLSHIT! I don't have to—! Chopper! No good! No!"

"I am trying to help you, Sanji!" Chopper protested, watching Sanji race away, clearly in distress. Hoof clapping together in delight, he chased after him for a few feet, shouting, "Good luck, Sanji! Your emotional distress will attract your true homosexual love if you keep running erratically like that!"

He sighed in defeat and gathered up all his study materials, thinking of other ways to show Sanji that it was okay to be who he was.