Josh gazed at his reflection in the mirror as he straightened his tie. It was the day of Matt's memorial service. Donna was going to be coming by shortly, and they would go together to the National Cathedral. The service would be followed by a reception at the White House.
He wasn't sure he was ready for this. He dreaded the thought of facing Helen again. After the shooting, he'd kicked himself over and over again for things he hadn't done…urge Matt to go through the Electoral College to name a VP, sue the Klan…things that might or might not have stopped what had happened. But he'd never thought he could ever consider it a mistake to have asked Matt to run in the first place, even given how tragically it had ended. That had been until he'd seen the look on Helen's face. The one thing that was indisputable was that Matt would still be alive if Josh hadn't flown down to Houston two Decembers ago. Helen would probably hate him forever for that, and who could blame her? He closed his eyes, wondering if Matt would hate him too, for asking a father of young children to put himself in a position where thousands of crazy people with guns would want him dead.
He glanced at the clock. Donna would be there any minute. She'd moved into an apartment a few blocks away from his after they'd gotten back from their vacation together. He'd thought about asking her to move in with him on the trip, but given the fact that only a couple weeks ago she'd considered it an unreasonably large step just to spend the night at his place, he'd decided that might not be such a good idea. He knew she wanted her independence. Still, he missed her whenever she wasn't around, and until this had happened he'd been seriously considering asking her to move into his apartment when her lease was up.
Now, though, he realized he was thankful they weren't living together. The truth was, he knew he wasn't coping all that well with what had happened. He was barely sleeping. When he ate at all, he ate junk food. CJ would probably kill him if she could see his cupboards full of doughnuts and chips. And he didn't want Donna to see him during his worst moments. She had helped him through some dark places before, but he couldn't ask her to do it again. He was pretty sure she wouldn't want to. If he got too needy or obnoxious or dysfunctional…well, he saw no reason why she should put up with that when there were so many other guys out there who would love to be with her.
He knew Donna had probably been right about calling Stanley, but he couldn't bring himself to do it. Honestly, he wasn't sure how much good Stanley could do this time around. It wasn't like before. He wasn't having flashbacks or getting that bitter taste in his mouth. He just had this sick feeling in the pit of his stomach that wouldn't go away, and he couldn't sleep, or concentrate on much of anything. But there was, after all, a reason he was feeling that way, something no one could fix. Stanley couldn't bring Matt back. He couldn't change the fact that the list of people who were dead because of Josh just kept growing. Joanie. Leo. Matt. And but for the grace of God, Donna. He was starting to think that if he cared about someone, maybe the best thing he could do was just stay the hell away from them.
A knock at the door interrupted his thoughts. He opened the door and saw Donna standing before him, looking lovely but solemn in a long black dress.
"Hey," she gave him a hug. "How are you doing?"
"Fine," he told her as convincingly as he could. When she gave him a skeptical look, he added, "I mean…you know…"
"Yeah. I do." She smiled softly. "Are you ready?"
He nodded, and they headed out the door to his car.
Josh, President Bartlet, Eric Baker, Jorge Santos, Texas Congressman Tim Fields, and President Sellner were gathered in a room across the hallway from the sanctuary of the National Cathedral. They were going to serve as pallbearers during the service, and were getting some final instructions on how that process would work – although for Josh and President Bartlet, the ritual was all too familiar.
"It seems like we just got finished doing this for Leo," Josh commented quietly to the former President.
"Yeah," Jed nodded, placing a comforting hand on Josh's shoulder.
After the meeting wrapped up, Josh spotted Tim Fields near the door.
"Congressman, my condolences," he offered to Tim, who was widely expected to be Sellner's replacement as Speaker of the House. "I know you and the President-Elect were close."
"Yes, we were," the congressman acknowledged, a pensive look on his face.
Josh was quiet for a moment. "Look…about the whole Speaker thing last November. It was my fault. I was the one who talked him out of making a push for you." The congressman didn't say anything, and Josh took a deep breath. "Anyway…I'm sorry."
"You fill a starving dog's belly, he'll never bite you," Tim said as Josh started to walk away. "That's the difference between a dog and a man."
Josh looked at him in confusion. "Hmm?"
"That's what I said to him when he told me he was going to let Sellner win the speakership," the congressman explained. "That was the last time we…we talked. We'd been friends for years, back to his days as mayor of Houston, and those were the last words I spoke to him on this Earth."
"I'm sure he…knew you didn't mean it."
"I did mean it. At the time. I admit it, I felt betrayed. How stupid, you know? I campaigned for him because I wanted him to be President, not because of the favors he could do me if he got elected." The congressman shook his head. "You know, you always assume you'll have a chance to apologize after you shoot your mouth off and say something stupid. Life just isn't like that all the time, I guess."
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
In many ways, Josh couldn't help but think that Matt's memorial service seemed eerily similar to Leo's funeral. Most of the same people filled the Cathedral. There was the Catholic liturgy, and of course the flag-draped casket at the front of the sanctuary, just in case anyone had forgotten why they were all gathered.
But beyond the external trappings, he knew the two occasions weren't the same at all. The mood at Matt's service was unmistakably darker. In Leo's case, as shattered as everyone had been by his death, he'd died of natural causes. And they'd all known another heart attack was a possibility. That didn't mean that any of them had been prepared to lose him so suddenly, but it was nothing compared to the awful feeling of having to bury Matt because of an assassination at the hands of white supremacists. As Josh listened to Matt's friends and loved ones speak, in addition to the sadness and reminiscing, he could hear the rage in their voices at what had happened to him.
After the service, Josh and Donna greeted Helen at the door. Donna gave her a long hug, while Josh shook her hand somewhat awkwardly.
Her face was inscrutable as she looked at them. "I hope you'll both be able to come to the burial service in Houston next week?"
"Of course." The burial service was going to be a much more intimate occasion than the memorial, and truthfully Josh had been wondering if he was invited. He supposed Helen wanted Donna there, and so felt that she had to invite both of them. Besides, the press would probably ask questions if he wasn't there.
They said goodbye to Helen and mingled with the other guests for awhile before heading toward the White House for the reception.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Josh stared at the long refreshments table set up in the East Room of the White House, the same room where Matt had laid in repose less than a week ago. He took a cookie, even though he wasn't really hungry, and began nibbling on it.
"Hey, you," he turned and saw Lou Thornton standing behind him.
She stepped forward and gave him a hug. "You hanging in there?"
He swallowed and nodded. "How about you?"
"I'm dealing. You know. There's nothing else you can do."
He nodded, and they stood together quietly for a moment.
"So…" Josh broke the silence. "DNC chair?"
She shrugged. "We'll see. Rumor has it I'm on the short list."
"The party'd be in good hands."
"What about you?" She asked. "What are you doing next?"
He still wasn't even close to having an answer to that question. "I don't know."
She gave him a smile. "Well, hang in there."
He nodded, and watched as she disappeared into the crowd. He stood for awhile, staring vacantly at the room.
"Josh." He turned and saw Charlie Young walking toward him.
"Hey, Charlie."
"I don't think I've had a chance yet to express my condolences," Charlie said quietly as he approached him.
"Thanks."
Charlie paused. "Can we talk for a minute?"
"Sure," Josh nodded, and the two of them walked toward some empty chairs.
"So how's Sellner working out?" Josh asked.
"Let's just say he's no Bartlet," Charlie responded. "If it's between him and Vinick in the special election, don't ask me who I'm voting for."
"I don't think you need to worry about that. After this lawsuit crap, there's no way the party nominates him."
The two of them sat down on a pair of armchairs, sitting quietly for a moment.
Charlie finally broke the silence. "I know the FBI thinks the shooter had ties to West Virginia White Pride."
"Yeah." Josh looked at the floor and nodded.
"An agent came to talk to me after it happened. They wanted to…warn me, I guess, since I'd been targeted by them before."
Josh nodded. Then suddenly he looked up at Charlie in alarm. "There hasn't been anything…specific, in terms of threats, has there?"
"Not that I know of. But the thing is…" his voice trailed off.
"What?"
Charlie hesitated for a moment. "Zoey and I are getting married."
"Hey. Congratulations." Josh looked at Charlie, managing a smile. "That's great." He paused, studying the glum expression on Charlie's face. "Isn't it?"
"Yeah. Yeah, it is."
"What's wrong?"
Charlie let out a breath. "The FBI thinks…they don't want us to announce our engagement publicly. Not yet, anyway. They're afraid we'd be a target, again."
Josh was quiet for a moment. "What do you think?"
"I don't know. I mean, a big part of me thinks that's bull. This is 2007. They're telling me I should cave to a bunch of white supremacist murderers who don't want a black man to be seen in public with a white woman? I mean, if it were just me, I'd say forget it. Bring it on."
"Charlie, I don't think saying 'bring it on' to guys with guns is necessarily the best-"
"But it's not just me. I have to think about her, too. With everything that's happened, she's keeping her Secret Service detail, but obviously as we've seen that's not exactly foolproof. I can't let them…I can't let her be put in danger too." He paused for a moment. "But I don't know. I just think the FBI may be overreacting. It's been almost seven years since Rosslyn. If they were still out to get me, they'd have done it by now, don't you think?"
Josh was quiet for a long moment, staring at his hands. "Charlie, you and I both know these people are capable of anything," he finally responded, a slight catch in his voice. "I don't think you can afford not to take them seriously."
"So you think we should do what they say. You think we should keep our engagement secret in order to appease West Virginia White Pride."
Josh closed his eyes. "I think that's something you guys have to decide. Just…" he looked at Charlie, his eyes suddenly pleading. "Just be careful, okay?" He felt new worry start to form in his stomach. He remembered what Agent Brent had said about the FBI fearing more attacks. The last thing anyone needed was another tragedy. The thought of anything happening to either Charlie or Zoey…
"We will," Charlie assured him, patting him on the arm. He spotted Zoey across the room, and excused himself to go talk to her, leaving Josh sitting alone.
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
"So you still have my number in New Hampshire, don't you?" President Bartlet asked Josh. The reception was winding down, and they were both getting ready to leave.
"Yes, sir."
"You can call me any time, day or night. You know that, right?" Josh nodded, and the former President continued: "And if a phone call isn't enough and you ever need some company, well, New Hampshire isn't so far from DC, really. I can be to your apartment in a couple hours."
Josh couldn't help but smile. Jed Bartlet could be so paternal at times. He found himself remembering the night his father had died, when the then-governor had met him at the airport and offered to blow off his Illinois victory party just to keep Josh company on the plane.
"Thank you, sir, but I'll be fine. Really."
Jed's face turned serious. "You have a lot of people who care about you, Josh. Don't try to go through this alone."
He nodded, feeling an unexpected lump forming in his throat. As he watched the Bartlets get into their motorcade, Donna came up and put an arm around him.
"Are you ready to go?" she asked.
He nodded. They got their coats and walked together toward the car.
