Disclaimer: I don't own anything from Outsiders, Lucy is the only think I own so far. ;) I might add more peoples later but yea I own nothing.


Living For

Now and Forever

"Darrel Curtis and Margret Curtis have both passed away this afternoon." Davis said with a look of sympathy. I wanted to knock it right of his face. The room was particularly silent for such news as this, it made my ears ring.

No, no, no, NO! He was lying. They were lying! Why would they joke about something like that? My face was red, my ears were hot. My legs were tight, getting ready to launch at the officers. Steve must have noticed my anger because he walked over to me and grabbed my shoulder. Immediately I came out of my head and was back in the room.

Steve had a few tears forming in his eyes when I looked back at him, it had been the third time I've ever seen him "cry". Finally I could hear the noises in the room. There was deep long sobs of anguish, I could hear horrifying screams mixed in with them. Someone was also chanting the word no, followed by many different variations of curse words. My head turned a little bit more and I saw my younger brother on his knees. Crumbled on the floor with his hand clenched to his shirt. Sodapop was hugging him while rocking back and forth, also crying loudly. He was clenching onto Pony like he was going to disappear out of thin air.

Ponyboy was screaming like he was in unbearable pain. Soda was shaking with sobs, he glanced up at me but I turned away. I noticed that I was not crying, I was not screaming. No sobs were coming from inside me and bursting through my mouth. Darry kept saying no and cursing loudly, shaking his head in denial. Johnny was shaking his head in his hands. Even my friends were weeping for my parents. Why wasn't I?

Darry leapt from the chair and began to walk toward the officers. He didn't say anything at first so I went to his side. I grabbed his left hand, secretly giving him the strength to ask for the truth. Brother looked at me immediately and gave me a strange look almost like he was asking why I wasn't crying. I'm numb. I can't feel anything, I have to detach myself from the world until I can handle this. A single tear slid down his cheek as he looked into my eyes, the eyes of an emotionless girl. With my thumb I brushed the tear away before squeezing his hand, he turned to the officers.

"What happened?"

"They were in an automobile accident around one thirty, their car was hit by the train." Lagoon answered and Davis picked up.

"We are unsure of how they were struck because there were no witnesses. The car was hit on the passenger side, killing Margret instantly." Ponyboy began to scream louder after hearing that. Darry let go of my hand and crouched down with Soda and Pony. The three of them were huddled together shushing each other and rocking back and forth. I guess its up to me to get the rest of the information. Okay Lucy, take a deep breath and just asked.

"And my father?" after the small pep talk I asked them with a stern face.

"Darrel was bleeding internally when the ambulance arrived on scene. He cracked his skull on the drivers window upon impact and his brain was severely damaged. He was pronounced dead at one fifty six on the way to the hospital. I'm so sorry, the EMTs did everything they could." Soda and Pony were being shushed by Darry now. He was telling them everything would be okay and that it was alright. I don't know about them but I was dieing inside, my heart was burning but I kept it together.

"We are both very sorry for your losses. It was such a freak accident, no one could have prevented it." Davis said putting on his sunglasses before leaving through the door. Lagoon lingered staring down at me with a little disgust. Probably thinking I had no heart because I was not upset. I was not upset on the outside but on the inside I was crushed. There was a hole being punched threw my lungs and beating me down to the core.

"Can you pass this on to your older brother Darrel?" he handed me a small stack of papers.

"What's this?" I nodded.

"We are temporarily putting your brother in full custody of you and your brothers. After all funeral plans are arranged, we will call you for your court date. The trial will be discussing who will eventually get full custody of you children." he informed me and started out the door.

"What are you talking about? We will be fine with Darry, he will take care of us!" I hollered following him out the door. "There is no need for a trail, we need to be together. Our parents just died for Christ sake!"

"It is not up to me who you are to live with, that's up to the judge. Good luck kid." Lagoon said getting into his car with Davis riding shot gun. Who we will be living with? We have no family, just us now. Boy home or girls home? Screw that, I'll run the hell out of Tulsa before I'm ever put in a girls home.

Steve was holding the screen door open for me. I rushed past him in the house. My brothers were still on the floor sobbing with each other, except Darry. I knew he wouldn't let himself cry, he was too proud. I want to cry, it hurt me so bad that I wasn't. My limbs began to shake with rage. I started going insane.

The papers that Lagoon gave me were thrown on the floor. I kicked the wall and punched it than grunted in frustration. Why the hell did this happen to us? Why did it happen to me? Why weren't Mom and Dad ever coming home again!? I screamed in my head. As I paced back and forth, Steve hovered over me. I wanted to tell him to go away but didn't.

I plopped on the floor across from Pony, I wrapped my arms around Darry's and Soda's shoulders. Giving them comfort even though I needed some too. But I wouldn't let them see that, I needed to be there for them. We were all like that for a long while, Soda and Pony crying while Darry and I tried calming them down. Eventually Pony fell asleep from exhaustion and once he was quiet so was Soda. Kissing all of them on the forehead I got off the floor. Johnny had left but Steve was at the table talking with Two-bit. I don't remember him coming in, but here he was. When I stood there for a moment staring at them, they both finally noticed me. Two-bit jumped up from his chair but made no move toward me.

Darry was the next to stand up, he brought Pony with him. With Soda in toe, Darry carried Pony to his bed. My three brother disappeared into the hallway. This was it, the big time. The huge thing in life that will never be taken away from a person, death. It's a disease and has no purpose but to kill everyone inside that is living. Sure some people can have nine lives like a cat but eventually they will parish. Its inevitable and its DUMB! Two-bit and Steve both were headed toward me now.

Two-bit reached me first, he went to bring me into a hug but I dodged him. I ran to the only place I knew that I could feel them again, their room. The numb feeling with leave if I could feel them, hug them. My legs made long strides toward the room, with a heavy heart I let myself in. Quickly I shut the door behind me and tried to lock it. Than I remembered that the lock had been broken for over a year and Dad was meaning to fix it.

As I turned the light on, tears began to form in my eyes. I was alone now, the emotions could be freed. Hastily I got on the other side of my parents dresser and began to push. Sobs were escaping me while I pushed. Giant heaves of grief burst from my lips. With on last push, the huge dresser was blocking the door. Blocking the world from me. I fell to the ground and pounded my fists on my head. Pulling out some of my hair in the process, I didn't care.

I crawled over to the front of the dresser, I stood up on my knees looking their stuff over. With shaky fingers I pulled open my Dad's top drawer knowing I would find his plaid shirts. The first on I saw I pulled out, quickly shutting the compartment. The shirt was soft like I remember them. My arms brought the fabric to my chest, I hugged the shirt tightly like I was embracing the man himself. More and more sobs sounded through room, they made the room heavy. After five minutes of hugging, I caressed my face with the garment.

Without thinking I tossed the shirt on the bed, then I ripped my tank top off. The strap broke and I was wrestling with it, pulling it over my head. I stood there staring at my father's shirt in just a bra and jeans. My lips let out a moan of pain when I looked at the shirt, it was his shirt. I turned away from it and looked over the top of the dresser. Mom's jewelry was in a tiny box on the left side, next to her perfume bottles. With shaky unstable hands I grabbed her chain necklace. In the middle of it was a heart with the word Forever engraved on it. The longer I look at the lettering the more I could see my father's hand writing, the more I remember a far off memory.

This was given to her from Dad on their anniversary last year. If not last year than the year before that. I put the necklace over my head and clenched the heart in my hands. Tears were rolling down my cheeks and onto the dresser I was leaning on. The perfume was the next thing I picked up, after a moment of hesitation I sprayed it over my skin. Letting it soak in after one spray, two spray, three. I set the bottle down gently and turned back around to face my fathers shirt.

It was sad to look at. I could imagine him laying there on the bed with in on. Him sprawled out in the middle giving Mom no room to lay down with him. He would always joke like, I could hear her laughter in the back of my mind. A scream escaped my lips knowing I would never hear that laughter again. Dad's shirt was on me before I knew I had grabbed it. Hastily I buttoned it up, missing a few of the bottoms and messing the whole on the way up. After it was "buttoned" I fell on the bed.

It's worse knowing that I could have done something. The feeling of dread, that's what it was pointing too. God was giving me a warning, all I did with that warning was shove it up my ass and fought with Mom. Is that how I should repay the lord for giving me a warning. Or repay Mom for being the best that she knew she could be. She is the best mom, she was the best mom. It's hard to put her into a past tense sentences, speaking, thinking of her in past tense.

Breaking down came easy for me, even though I didn't do it often. More screams were sounded throughout the room. Loud horrifying sobs of a hurt sole poured out of my heart. I was too busy letting out everything to notice that there was pounding on the door. My hands were clenching onto the shirt like it was going to jump off my body and leave me naked. Even though the pounded had gotten louder I made no move toward the door. The pounding stopped and turned into knocks with Darry's voice.

"Baby girl, let us in." I sobbed louder not wanting to hear his voice. He sounded so much like Dad. Than there was a fear creeping down my spine, what if I had too look at him. How could I look at my living brother that looks exactly like my dead father? It was hardly plausible, it just couldn't be done. Well it could but not right now, not while I'm like this.

"Lucy? It's Soda let us in." he looked more like Mom but acted like Dad. This is horrifying, how could they live with themselves when they are just like them. I'm somewhat glad that I hardly act or look like either of them. I wont have to look in the mirror and see them looking back. I could hear loud thuds on the door, they must be trying to break the door down.

"Wait a minute, your going to break the door." Darry ordered. Than there were a few clicks on the door knob. I paid not attention to them. My head was being banged on with my fists, screaming sharply trying to stop the thoughts. The painful memories of them. Maybe if I pass out I wont think about them. I pounded harder on my head desperately trying to knock myself out. With a huge shove Darry, Soda, Two-bit and Steve shuffled into the room.

Immediately Darry jumped onto the bed trying to grab my fists. I felt liquid on my temples, was I bleeding? He smelled like him. I never noticed that. Like warmth. That's the only way I could think of to describe it, warmth.

Darry had my wrists in one hand. Soda was trying to hug me or I really don't know. I was struggling to much to really understand what they were saying. Finally I slipped away from them and was standing over the bed staring at them. Tears were in Soda's eyes and Darry looked on the brink of falling over from grief.

Looking at them made a funny feeling in my stomach, I was going to vomit. I was sure of it. The slimy burning liquid was rising in my throat. Could I really be this upset? So upset that I was going to loose my stomach, I gagged making a dash out of the room. Covering my mouth with my hands I ran past Steve and Two-bit. Thankfully the bathroom door had a lock and I had just enough time to fasten the door shut. After building a wall against the world I fell to the floor and heaved out my lunch. Screaming the entire time, calling out for my mother.

After I was sure I was done, I cleaned my mouth off and brushed my teeth. I brushed twice and than cleaned the toilet after flushing. My deed was done and I leaned against the bath tub panting. It was silent outside of the door except for a few whispers. My mind began to wander a little as I cried some more.

I began to remember the last time I had thrown up, Mom had stayed up with me in the living room all night. That was just two years ago, I miss her. She was alive this morning, we had a fight. I realized something worst than her dieing. Worst than me dieing, worst than the world ending in flame. The last words I ever said to my mother were 'I hate you.' Not only did I say them, I screamed them. She just wanted what was best for me and I threw that shit back in her face instead. Instead I should have been thankful to her.

"I don't hate you!" I whispered. Than I screamed. "I DON'T HATE!" again I was becoming hysterical. My mouth just kept repeating the words, 'I don't hate you, I'm sorry! I love you!'

While chanting those words to myself I stood up. I had to tell her, I had to let her know I loved her. Somehow, I have to find a way. If it's the last thing I ever do, I have to tell her. She's gone forever but I will find a way. With determination and tears in my eyes I opened the bathroom door ready to run for it.

My legs made a quick dash for the front door, I heard a few apposing yells but I kept going. I was out the front door and being pursued so I quickened my pace. Who ever was chasing me was long gone by the time I got to the park.

My breathing was heavy and my chest hurt but I didn't rest. It was mighty dark outside, a think blanket of black surrounded me. Even in Dad's shirt and my jeans I was cold. I was in such a rush to leave that I forgot to get shoes, who needs them anyway. All I need is my mother, I need to tell her. By this time I had stopped my weeping and was going in circles. My feet just kept walking, eventually I passed Rocky's house. Than a few houses down I was passing Natalia's place. For a moment I stopped, almost going in but decided to keep going. This needed to be done, I needed to make them a memorial or something. Lots of ideas raced through my mind but none seemed…enough. They deserved everything but I couldn't give them that.

My head was throbbing, so were my feet. I think they were bleeding, I might have stepped on something. At this point I wouldn't give a rats ass what happened to me, I have to deliver my message to my mother and father. Subconsciously I was headed toward the train tracks, I noticed this after passing Buck's place. I'm not sure how long I was walking but finally I made it to the old train tracks. These tracks went through the entire state and stopped along the boarder somewhere. The road passes right over the tracks around here, it's the only place I'd think they would have driven. They usually went on this side of town for their picnics.

It was all cleaned up. Nothing was left, all that was in view from the crash was a few pieces of scrap metal and rubber. I could almost see the car getting hit, hear the sound of the impact. My mothers cries of horror for my Dad to pull forward. Or Dad trying to start the engine. How could this have happened, Davis was right it was a freak accident. But that doesn't mean I still can't find a way to Mom and Dad. Than I saw it as I approached the track. In the street light I could see it plain as day, blood. They cleaned up everything except the blood of my parents demise.

I crouched next to it, there was glass and metal around the area of liquid. My hand leaned into it, the substance had dried. Only a light red dust was being picked up onto my skin. This was the place I was going to write the a message. Who knows if they will ever get it, but I have to try.

I'm thinking crazy now, I know I am. I don't care though. If there is a person on this planet that doesn't go insane over death than they must be really chill or heartless. I've only had three people die in my life time. My Grandmother, on my mother's side, she passed when I was seven. It was a tragic day and I remember crying a lot that night. Not letting anyone see a tear be shed, but now I can't hold it in anymore. The other two that have died…are my parents.

My hands wrapped around the hole in my jeans, and pulled. The jean hole grew in size and I searched for a shard of glass. The perfect one was to my left, I didn't hesitate to grab it. Soon I was shakily carving into my leg. I winced but didn't cry. During the entire thing I made no noise of pain. The only pain that truly mattered now was the pain that I felt for my parents. This pain was for them but it was not because of them, I've brought this on myself.

Blood dripped everywhere but I didn't care, it was meant to drip. My hand and upper arm were covered in it from my leg. In the four fingers that I held the small shard bled as well. They were cut on the tips and getting deeper with every letter I traced into my skin. Insane is exactly what I am. I tossed the shard away and looked over my work.

I love you

Now and Forever

M + D

No more tears, I told myself. Not now anyway. Be strong and fight through this. My legs stood up and I felt the pain full on with my full weight. But I kept walking, I walked right back into the dark that I had come from. With my head held high, feeling no remorse while my leg bled like a mother fucker, I walked on.


Thanks for the support everyone. Please let me know how I'm doing :D