Chapter 7
It can't have been more than thirty minutes but it feels like an eternity to me, but he's finally comes back to the club, freshly showered, suited and booted with his hair spiked up. Our eyes meet and it's like the lights dim and a spot light shines down on him. In a club full of people all I can see is him and nothing else matters. The line of people waiting to be served forgotten, the pint I'm pulling is over flows, but no of it matter. I want to call out or walk over but he half nods and struts to his office.
He doesn't leave his office all afternoon, not for a drink or something to eat or to micromanage in the controlling way that he does. It's well annoying, yet I miss it, miss him watching from his doorways or hovering behind me, his warm breath on my neck.
People go in to his office and all walking out looking annoyed, he must be in a foul mood. I guess he's avoiding me, and the last thing I want is for things to be awkward. I like working here, the people are friendly, the pay is more than I'll get anywhere else, with no qualifications and a criminal record, and on top of that I get to keep all of my tips.
My anger returns, I'm not going to lose this job and I'm not going to be tossed aside like a used rag. When the queue dies down, I leave Rhys to it and barge into his office ready to shout the odds. I stop, suspended in shock, why is John Paul is topless?
"Did you want something Steven?" He's blasé, not at all bothered by what I've just walked in on.
"Err…" I can't remember the rant I've been practicing for the last forty minutes, so I just make an excuse. "Yeah, I just wanted to check the rota for the next fortnight."
"I haven't had time to sort it yet." He says looking over at the stack of folders on his desk.
"If you want I can do it?" I offer, because right now I can't face interacting with customers, putting on a fake smile and pretending everything is fine. This really is not okay.
"Yeah that would be helpful." Brendan's voice is light, he looks relived and grateful.
I can't help but smile at him because I know how frustrated he gets doing it, and I know for sure he at least appreciates me doing this.
"Ready to go through my club night ideas?" John Paul asks and I'd almost forgot he was still standing there.
I really just want to smack him in the face.
"Yeah, sure. You go out to the bar order a couple of beers and get us a table. I'll be out in a second, I need to run through a few things with Steven first."
He stands over me really looking me in the eye and I can't tell what he's think, and it makes me nervous as fuck.
"Can you stay behind at the end of your shift, after everyone is gone?"
"Sure, if you want. What for?"
I get up, standing close to him because I feel more confidant, may be he wants to go back to normal to? But then he steps back until his back meets the door.
"We need to talk." His voice is tense and serious.
I know what 'we need to talk' means. I take a step forward and he takes like a gazillion back, literally and metaphorically.
{~}
I stay in the office sorting the rota, it doesn't take long so I tidy the office just to waste time. With nothing else to do I sit down at his desk, still not ready to face people. His coat is hanging on the back of the chair, the thing is ridiculous with a fur collar but some how Brendan pulls it off. I try it on because it smells of him, I love being surrounded by his musky aftershave. I place the contents of his pockets on the table: keys, phone, wallet and a pack of gum.
I pick up his phone and then put it back down. I know I'm crossing so many trust and privacy boundaries but I can't help myself. Nervously biting my lip I look over at the door and then pick it up again. First I look through his call log:
Anne
Rhys
Steven
Steven
Paddy
Steven
Steven
Steven
Steven
Anne
Cheryl
Steven
Steven
Steven
Ashleigh
Suppliers
Steven
Steven
Cheryl
I smile at how much we talk on the phone. If we're not together then we're phoning each other. Mostly him asking me to come over when he's free, but sometime I phone him and he just lets me talk.
Then I go through his text messages and it's more of the same. Mostly texts from either me or Mitzeee, there are a few from John Paul all arranging times to meet for a run. I put it back into his pocket feeling stupid and guilty, there's no proof of anything here. All his communication with John Paul is perfectly innocent and there's no evidence of any other men.
I put back the wallet, gum and keys in the pockets I found them in. But then I pull out the wallet again. People say you can tell a lot about a person by what they carry around in their wallet, I've already been snooping so what's the harm?
He carries around a ridiculous amount of cash and normal stuff like debit cards, membership and loyalty cards. He's got a sachet of lube and a couple of condoms – that would have saved us a lot of bother this morning. There are two pictures, one of a cute toddler with dark hair, freckles and Brendan's sea blue eyes, must be his son Declan. The second picture is of a baby girl dressed all in pink, I guess it's his nieces or something.
I look down at his cash and carry membership card smiling, it's given me a great idea. I tell Rhys I'm going on by break and get the bus into town.
{~}
The cash and carry is huge, rows and rows of shelves reaching up to the warehouse ceiling. I'm too embarrassed to ask for what I'm looking for so end up wasting about ten minutes just walking around until I find the sexual health aisle. I stand in front of the condom section looking for the biggest box I can find. There's a box of one thousand but that seem presumptions, I go for five hundred but it's out of my price range and so I settle on two hundred. At the end of the aisle there's colourful display of lube: silky, silicone, water based, extra felling, sensitive but it's the 'tasty' row that catches my eye.
Damn.
There's no strawberry, I could go for cherry or passion fruit but I know how much he likes strawberries.
Walking back to the bus stop I pass an adult sex store, windows blacked out with three X's for a sign. I'm hesitant at first but all I need is a tube of lube, in and out in a couple of minutes. It's exactly what I'd expect, a wall stacked with different types of dildo's and vibrators, a swing hanging from the ceiling with mannequins strapped in, blow up dolls, toys for him, toys for her and a fetish section. Everyone's really casual going about their business but I feel out of place, still standing anxiously by the door. The cashier gives me a little smile, I think she could tell I'm uncomfortable because she comes over and is dead nice. I tell her that all I want his strawberry lube, she fetches it and I'm on my way within minutes.
On the bus ride back to the club I'm feeling pretty good. Brendan and I will stay behind after closing, I'll present him with a giant box of condoms and flavoured lube, and we'll just laugh at how silly we both where this morning. Things will go back to normal.
{~}
When I up walk the club stairs to see Brenan and John Paul still sitting in the corner drinking and laughing it's like the smile is slapped off my face. They where just going to talk about business, what is he still doing here? I cannot spend the rest of my shift with them right in front of me. I go back downstairs and ask Lisa to cover the upstairs bar for me, she happily accepts because the tips tend to be better up there.
Down stairs is a completely different crowd, it's mostly older men and college students here to watch whatever games on. It's not too busy, and I have a lot of time to think. Today's been a total mind fuck, a roller-coaster of emotions. I woke just wanting a quickie with the guy that I've been sleeping with and now I don't know if he still wants me or if he wants me while fucking other guys. I'm not sure if I'm even okay with that, sharing him.
Fuck, here comes Mitzeee again, I don't want to deal with her right now. Even his fake girlfriend seems to know more about him. Maybe I can use that to my advantage, she's a talker and I can get her to open up about him or somehow get advice.
"Is he here?" Mitzeee asks hopping onto a barstool.
"Upstairs having a drink with John Paul." I smile, putting on my best friendly barman act.
"Thanks hun." She waves bye, heading towards the stairs.
"No wait!" I blurt. "He's up there getting drunk with his mate, after being rude to you, and I bet he didn't even call?" I ask scratching at the scab.
"No, he didn't." She's outraged.
"The least he can do is give you a few drinks, on the house of course."
"Too right!" She smiles, taking her place on the barstool once again.
I slowly pour her a large glass of red wine, thinking up a subtle way to ask her about Brendan.
"He always in such a bad mood, why put up with it?"
"You know what, I ask myself the same thing all the time. But he does little things for me to remind me why I stick around. I don't even think he knows it, but he's a really good guy, kind and gentle. At the same time he's all silent and broody which is dead sexy right?"
Really sexy!
"But it also means he's a really good listener."
"Yeah I get that." And I really do, thinking back on our time together Brendan's all those things, he make me feel special without even trying. But there's still the matter of him fucking other guys. "But he's always blowing you off and hanging around other… girls."
Mitzeee laughs at that, we both no Brendan isn't into other girls, but I can't let on that I know he's gay. And it's kind of true, girls are always coming onto him, and he just goes with it.
"Yeah Brendan likes to play the field, so to speak. He's like a little kid with his toys, he gets bored, always on the look out for something bigger and better, flashier. But I know it's not serious, he soon realises he doesn't really want whatever it is he's been chasing." She gulps down the rest of the wine. "Anyway I'm heading up there."
"Bye."
So what I have to be 'bigger and better, flashier' than John Paul or any other guy, but how do I do that? I'm skinny, and have a goofy laugh, I'm not smart and I talk way too much. Brendan's way out of my league and he can probably get any guy he wanted. Maybe I'm the toy he's bored of, but he can't be, he was all over me this morning. So John Paul's the toy then? I just have to make him realise I'm the better choice, and he'll stop chasing that McQueen.
How do I do that?
{~}
John Paul finally leaves, which is like a huge weight being lifted off my shoulders. I half expected them to sneak out together.
A while later Brendan and Mitzeee walk down the stairs. I see they've made up. I can tell he's looking over, but I can't make eye contact. I feel really insecure, I'm not just competing with clever pants and super talented John Paul, it's Mitzeee his confidant and any other guy out there that's probably way more experienced than me.
I realise now that my feelings for him are a lot stronger than I thought and I don't want to lose him.
I let Rhys know I'm heading out for a while and get the bus back into town, back to XXX.
{~}
By the time Brendan comes back the club is closed and we're cleaning up. I hang around waiting for Rhys and Lisa leave and lock us in because I definitely don't want anyone walking in.
I walk into the office with the box hidden behind my back, but I'm nervous and for once I don't know what to say. Luckily he breaks the silence, wants to know if we're alone. I want to ask if he still wants me, but I don't want the answer so instead I say 'I didn't think you were going to come back'. 'I'll always come back to you Steven' he slurs and his accent is heavy, but he leans forward and he's looking at me like I'm the only person in the word and I believe him. 'I'll always come back to you Steven' it's like the most beautifully romantic thing I've ever heard. I place the box of condoms on the desk.
He walks over and I can tell he's turned on, he's eyes are completely black and his lips are turned up into the smallest smile. I push him down onto the sofa tongue exploring every crevice of his mouth while my hands discover his body. I start to undress him, nibbling and licking his neck.
"This morning ... I was a jerk."
I stop because it sounds like he's apologising and Brendan never apologies even when he's obviously in the wrong. I tell him he's drunk and carry on.
"Nuh uh!"
He sounds like a little kid and it makes me laugh, I've never seen him like this. "Uh huh! You smell like a brewery."
"Okay, so I'm absolutely bladdered. Doesn't mean I wasn't a jerk. But you can't go around having unprotected sex, okay?"
Even though he's drunk I can tell that he's being serious, so I nod.
"Because I don't want anything to happen to you, okay? I want you safe."
He strokes my cheek and his voice his small and just a little bit sad. All I can do is nod again. I get it now, he's worried about me. I kiss him again, as a way to say thank you but he pulls away.
I look into his eyes but I have no idea what he's thinking, I just want to stay in this happy moment but I have to know. "What?"
"Just so you know, I'm not currently sleeping with any other men."
"You're not?" I want to smile, but it sounds to good to be true.
I want to ask him about John Paul, because I still have an uneasy feeling about the two of them but before I can he shakes his head and that's all I need. I'm 100% sure that I want to do this. I tell him I want you to do unspeakable things to me, and then I give him the big black bag from XXX. When Brendan sees what's in it he looks surprised and unsure but I tell him I trust him.
{~}
When we fall back onto the sofa together, exhausted and covered in sweat and other bodily fluids I can't stop smiling.
