From: Martin
To: John
Subject: Hi there (April 19)

Hi John,

I hope it's ok that I email you like this, I just wanted to check that everything is going ok with you so far. You don't need to reply too extensively or anything, I just wanted to say hi.

Martin

Reply from: John
Subject: Re: Hi there (April 21)

Martin! Thanks so much for taking the time to email, I can't tell you how much I appreciate it. I don't have a lot of time to reply right now, but I did want to tell you that things are going great so far and that I'm adjusting fine.

How is the job search going? Are you a big impressive airline captain yet? I hope you are, but like I said I'll be VERY upset if you haven't told me yet. ; )

John

From: Martin
To: John
Subject: Re: Re: Hi there (April 21)

John,

That's really great to hear! I was afraid that I'd be bothering you or something, but it's great that you're adjusting to stuff well so far. I can't imagine how different everything must be in the army – has it been very difficult so far? I mean, I know that's a silly question to ask since it must be very difficult, but I mean, have you been having an especially hard time of it?

The job search has been…well it's not been easy to say the least. Apparently most airlines don't want to hire someone who took seven goes to get their license, and being terrible at interviews doesn't really help either. But I guess I've just got to keep trying, like you always said. Something's bound to turn up eventually, right?

Hope you're well,

Martin

Reply from: John
Subject: Sorry! (May 17)

Sorry about the late reply mate. It's been…an interesting few weeks here to say the least. Finding time to breathe is hard enough, much less sit down at a computer thanks to all the stuff we have to do and the crazy hours they make us keep. It's nice though, having stuff to do all the time. It's hard to explain, but it's kind of nice not having to worry about being bored even when you feel like you're going to fall over because you're so tired. But I think I'm adjusting fairly well for all that, which is nice.

Tough luck on the job search, but I know you'll find something. Like you said, you just have to keep trying and I know that you'll succeed eventually. You've done the hardest bit of passing the test, now the rest is bound to fall into place eventually.

John


From: John
To: Martin
Subject: Big announcement (May 20)

Hi Martin.

I don't really know how to say this properly, since I can't really believe it myself. It's hard to process, especially with everything that's happening right now. It's all so fast, so crazy. But I figured that I should let you know that my regiment is being shipped out soon since it means I won't be able to email very often where we're going. I, well, I don't think I can tell you exactly where we're going (secrets and subterfuge and all that), but sod it, I need to tell somebody. In a little over a month my regiment is being shipped out to Afghanistan.

John

Draft: (last saved May 20)

Oh god please don't go to Afghanistan. Please don't go. You already left me once, please don't go where they'll shoot at you and kill you. Please be safe…

Draft: (last saved May 21)

Are you going to be ok in Afghanistan? Are you going to be fighting and killing people? I thought you were a doctor, not a soldier. I can't imagine you killing anyone, you're too nice to do that.

Draft: (last saved May 22)

Oh, wow. I don't really know what to say. Should I be happy for you, or upset? I really have no idea what to say about this. Because I'm not happy, not at all, but I don't want to say anything that will upset you. I don't want to tell you how scared I am, or how worried that something will happen to you. Hell, I'll never send this damn email just because I can't figure out what to say. What kind of friend does that make me?

Reply to: John
From: Martin
Subject: Re: Big announcement (May 23)

John,

Afghanistan? Why are they sending you to Afghanistan? I thought you said when you joined that since you're a doctor they won't send you anywhere risky, that you'd be able to help people while staying safe. I mean, I understand that there are people in Afghanistan that need help, I guess I just don't understand why they're sending you.

I don't really know what to say about this. Will you be safe? God, that's a stupid question to ask, but it's really all I can think about. I know you can take care of yourself and everything, and that you're smart and that you'll be able to keep out of trouble, but Afghanistan isn't exactly a safe place for you to be going. Even if they do need you there, there must be something else you can do that won't get you killed.

Martin

From: Martin
To: John
Subject: I'm sorry (May 23)

John,

I just reread the email I sent you late last night, and I am so sorry. I wasn't thinking at all when I typed that, and I'm so sorry that I said those things to you. If you haven't read the email yet, please don't.

Sorry,

Martin

Reply from: John
To: Martin
Subject: Re: I'm sorry (May 25)

Martin,

Please, please don't be sorry at all for what you wrote. It was heartfelt and true, and I know that you are worried about me. And you know what, I'm worried about me too. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little bit scared of going somewhere so dangerous. After seeing all the news reports about what happens there, and hearing some of the stories that the men here have to tell, it really makes you afraid of all the things that could go wrong.

But I absolutely promise that I'm going to be ok. My regiment is going to Afghanistan, yes, but like you said I'm a doctor. They're probably not going to send me into the really dangerous areas where they'd risk losing me, or make me do anything that's too extreme. In all likelihood I'll probably be far away from the front lines the whole time, patching people up in a well defended camp or base. It'll still be scary, but I don't think I'm going to be right in the line of fire. And I know that's not much of a consolation but I'm pretty sure it's true.

But you shouldn't feel bad for worrying about me, please. Actually, it's really nice to know that there's someone at home who actually cares enough about me to worry at all – it makes it feel like I have something to work for and a reason to be careful. I don't think Harry's even noticed that I'm gone to be honest, and it's amazing how fast some friends drop contact with you when you've left, so it's really nice to know that you still care. So, worry away my friend. And I promise that I'll get myself home in one piece so that we can have a good laugh about it over a pint when I do.


From: John
Subject: Arrived safe and sound! (June 24)

Martin,

Well, I made it! It has been an absurdly long couple days, but I'm glad to say that I've arrived in Afghanistan all safe and sound and in one very tired piece. I can't tell you any specific details of course (wouldn't want to get in trouble for jeopardizing the safety of the mission after all), but I can say that it's bloody hot and that I've never seen so much sand in one place all at one time. That's staggeringly helpful, I know. But honestly I haven't had a chance to suss out much more than that yet, so it's about all I can really say even disregarding the secrecy issues.

Things aren't exactly what I expected here, but that's actually to be expected I suppose. I should have known that no matter how much preparation we did back at base it wouldn't be anything like actually being here and seeing all this stuff for ourselves. Not that it's all bad, mind you – it may be hectic and strange already but there's something almost thrilling about knowing that you're somewhere that you can actually make a difference. It makes me feel…alive.

Is that strange? That I should feel so alive in a place that's so dangerous? I know it is, and that there's probably something quite wrong with me that I feel this way, but I can't help it. For now, I feel so incredibly necessary and alive (I don't think I can quite go so far to describe myself as happy – I'm not THAT crazy) and I know that I'm surrounded by some great men who are here to do great things. It's a nice feeling. Even if I'm also scared out of my mind and worried about the worst happening at any second.

I really hope that everything is going well for you back at home. I think about you often, and send tons of good thoughts and wishes your way to encourage the job search. Like I said before, it's really nice to know that there's someone at home who's thinking about me and worrying about me at least a little bit, and I can't tell you how much it means. I hope to hear back from you soon, although to be honest I'm not sure how frequently I'll be able to reply. The internet here is…spotty to say the best and we don't exactly have a lot of spare time in which to use it. But I will do my best to respond, and I look forward to hearing from you.

John


From: John
Subject: Checking in (October 18)

Martin,

Thanks so much for your lovely reply to my arrival email. It definitely brought a big smile to my face when I got the chance to read it. I'm so sorry I haven't had a chance to email before now, but the last few months have been really chaotic here and the regiment has been busier than we could possibly handle. But things have finally quieted down a bit now that the summer's over, so I get to have a crack at the computer for the first time in what feels like years. How are you doing? I miss talking to you, so I just wanted to make sure that everything is going fine with you and to see if anything new and exciting has happened while I've been off acting like an idiot.

Cheers,

John

Draft: (last saved October 18)

I miss you.

Draft: (last saved October 18)

I hope you're safe. I really, really hope you're keeping yourself safe over there because I don't know what I'd do if you didn't. If something happened to you I don't think I could handle it anymore I think I might just

Draft: (last saved October 19)

Oh god John I don't know what to do. Why aren't you here?

Draft: (last saved October 20)

I feel like I'm falling apart. I'm all alone, so alone without anyone here to help me, and I don't know what to do about it. I spend every night sitting in my flat, staring at nothing because I have nothing to look at. There's no one to talk to, no one to help, nothing but sitting here all by myself. I keep trying to get out, to meet people like you said I should, but how can I when I don't have any money? And I keep trying so hard to find a job but I'm not getting ANYWHERE and I don't think I ever will. I apply everywhere that could possibly take me, but it's like I can feel them laughing at me every time they look at my application. Every time they find out about my license, about how many tries it took, they just laugh and laugh and send me away and it just makes me want to die. Not really, not like that. I haven't really thought about it again, but it just makes me want to hide and give up forever since I'm obviously never going to succeed. That's a terrible thing to think and I know it's exactly what you told me not to think but how can I help it? When I just fail all the time how can I help but think that I'll never succeed?

I'm scared of my own brain, sometimes. Sometimes, I find myself starting to think about…it and I get so scared of where my thoughts were headed that I just want to stop thinking about anything at all. Every time that happens I just freeze and sit and stare because I'm too scared to do anything else in case the bad thoughts come back. If you were here, I could talk to you about it. If you were here, I could call you or come by your flat or do SOMETHING other than sit and shake and be scared. But I can't call you, and I can't talk to you, not really. I can email, but it takes so long for a message to get there and by the time you read it it's been days or weeks and I'd just feel silly. Plus, I shouldn't worry you with this stuff. God, you have so many more important things to worry about than me being scared of myself or mad about not being able to find a job. You're in actual danger and here I am moaning about being lonely. Pathetic. I'm pathetic.

I need you here John.

Reply from: Martin
Subject: Re: Checking in (October 22)

John,

Yes, I'm doing fine. Sorry I haven't emailed much, I just don't want to bother you while you have more important things to worry about. But yes, everything is fine here. I still haven't found a pilot job, but I'm keeping my chin up like you want me to.

I hope you're doing well and keeping safe.

Martin


From: Martin
To: John
Subject: (no subject) (December 4)

My dad died.

Reply from: John
Subject: (no subject) (December 6)

Oh my god, Martin I'm so sorry. Are you ok? What happened? Please, just tell me that you're ok, I need to know that.

Please write back soon.


From: Martin
To: John
Subject: Update (December 10)

It was a heart attack. We should have seen it coming, I guess. He wasn't ever really a healthy man, was he? But it was still a surprise somehow. It was so sudden it honestly still doesn't seem real somehow. Like it was all a dream, but it's not, it's real and I just don't know how to process it.

I guess I'm doing ok, as ok as I can be doing I suppose. I mean, I'm not great or anything, but I think I'm coping as well as I can. Mum needs to be taken care of and there's a lot of stuff to be sorted through, but Simon and Caitlin are helping out a lot so there's not a whole bunch for me to do. I'm pretty useless to them actually, so I just try to stay out of their way and let them handle things. It seems easier.

But I promise that I'm doing fine. Thank you for caring.

Martin

Reply from: John
Subject: Re: Update (December 14)

I am so very sorry, Martin. I wish there were something I could do to actually help, or to make you feel even a little bit better, but I know there's not. I'm sending all the love and good-wishes your way that I can manage, if that helps. (I know it doesn't, but unfortunately it's all I can manage at the moment)

If you ever need to talk about anything, anything that's happening with your dad or your family or just your life please don't hesitate to send me a message. I'll listen to whatever you have to say, you know that. Just because I'm not physically there doesn't mean that I still don't care about you, and I want to do whatever I can to help you through this.

So please, even if it feels silly, tell me about it. I'm here for you.

John

Draft (December 20)

His van. He left me his van. No money, nothing important, nothing but a beat up old van. I can't believe this. I can't believe he would do this.

Draft (December 21)

Simon and Caitlin each got money. He left them something because he cared about them, because he believed in them, because he loved them. But not me. No, I just got that fucking van because he knows that I won't do anything worthwhile with my life so I might as well just give up and be an electrician like he wanted. Maybe he was right. Maybe I should.

Draft (December 21)

God I'm a terrible person. I'm mad at my dad because he didn't leave me anything. I'm horrible. I'm absolutely horrible.

Draft (December 22)

Would you hate me if I told you all this?

From: Martin
To: John
Subject: Happy Christmas (December 24)

John,

I hope this email finds you doing well. Hopefully you can get it on Christmas and not too much later, or at least I hope you get a day or two off from duty to celebrate Christmas a bit. You certainly deserve at least that much time off.

I just wanted to let you know that I'm doing fine even with everything that's been happening. It's been a rough couple of weeks, but I've been able to pull through it thanks to my family and your support. Thank you again for being so caring and supportive, I can't tell you how much it means to me.

Reply from: John
Subject: Re: Happy Christmas (December 25)

Martin,

Thank you so much for the lovely email. I know you're going through a lot right now, and it means a lot that you would take the time to email me still. We don't get much time off here, even though it's Christmas, but I still wanted to take a second to reply. I hope you're feeling at least a bit better, and that your Christmas was a good one.

John


Draft (December 26)

I still miss you.


Draft (February 12)

Do you miss me?


From: Martin
To: John
Subject: Good news! (April 10)

I GOT A JOB!

I'm so excited I feel like I'm going to explode! I got a job, a real actual pilot's job! I'M A PILOT!

Reply from: John
Subject: Re: Good news! (April 12)

OH MY GOD!

Martin, I am so proud of you! Congratulations! You have to tell me everything – where are you working? How did the interview go? Are you the captain? Will you be making heaps of money now?

Tell me everything!

Reply to: John
Subject: Re: Re: Good news! (April 12)

There's not all that much to tell honestly, but I'll do my best. The company is one of the millions of places I've been applying to all this time, but I guess they lost one of their people unexpectedly and they really needed someone to fill in as soon as possible. It's a tiny little company (honestly I'm not even sure if some of the business they do is legal or not), but it pays a bit and I get to say that I'm a pilot. I'm actually just a relief pilot for when one of the actual pilots is sick or can't fly for whatever reason, and it's just for these tiny little puddle-jumper planes that only seat a couple people, but it's still a job. And I'm still a pilot!

I'm still waiting to get my first flight assignment, but hopefully it will be soon. I can't wait to fly an actual plane as an actual pilot. Hopefully I won't muck it up too badly!

Reply from: John
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Good news! (April 20)

I'm sure you will be absolutely fantastic, just like you always are. Congratulations again.


From: Martin
To: John
Subject: My turn to check in (June 3)

John,

It's been a little while since I heard from you, so I wanted to check in with you and make sure that everything was still ok. I do still worry about you over there, so sorry for being nosy or bothersome. I hope you're doing well.

Martin

Reply from: John
Subject: Re: My turn to check in (June 28)

Hi Martin, sorry about the delay. You know how the summers are here – things have been going a little crazy and I haven't had much time at all to myself. Well to be honest I haven't had any time at all to myself until now, since I've had more work than I can possibly handle and not enough hours in the day to do it all. But yes, I'm still doing fine. It's hectic and crazy, but all is mostly well here. How are things with you? How is the job?

Reply to: John
Subject: Re: Re: My turn to check in (July 2)

It's good to hear that you're still ok. I'm sorry you've been so busy, and I hope that doesn't mean all the bad things I'm afraid it means. I know you can't tell me even if it did, but still. Just keep yourself safe, ok?

The job isn't all that brilliant so far to be honest, but at least it's a job. I suppose I can't complain too much even though they don't pay me hardy anything and I always get the most horrid flights possible. I didn't know it was possible to fly when you were half-dead from tiredness but I managed it somehow.

Good luck and stay safe,

Martin


From: Martin
To:
John
Subject: Is everything ok? (September 1)

Hi John,

Sorry for pestering you like this, but well it's been a little while since I last heard from you and to be honest I was getting a little worried. I've been telling myself that you're just busy of course and that you're ok, but well, I couldn't wait any more. Are you ok? Just a quick email will be fine, I just want to know that nothing bad happened.

From: Martin
To: John
Subject: John? (October 3)

Please tell me you're ok.

Reply from: John
Subject: Re: John? (November 9)

I'm so sorry Martin. Things have been, well, not good lately. I can't go into any details here, but it's been rather terrible and I haven't had a chance to answer any emails at all. I'm sorry for worrying you. But I am fine, I promise. I'll tell you more when I have the chance

John


Draft (December 4)

It's been a year since my dad died. I miss him, more than I ever thought I would when he was still alive. I guess I took him for granted when he was alive. I think I also took you for granted when you were still here. I never realized how much I relied on you, how much you helped me. But now you're gone and I have no one to talk to and I still miss you a bunch and it hurts. I don't want to bother you, not with everything you have to worry about. I don't want to be the distraction that gets you killed. So I'll just leave you alone I guess. I'll just write these emails that I'll never send. Is that sad? I suppose it is.

Goodbye, John.


Draft (March 14)

I got through a whole week without feeling lonely. I think I'm finally ok, really ok. I still miss you sometimes of course, but I think I moved on. You have more important things to worry about than me, I get that now. Stay safe.


From: Martin
To: John
Subject: Hi there (June 10)

John,

Hi. I know it's been a while. A long while, actually, far too long. I don't know how I let it get this long, or why I was so bad about sending emails when I should have. I don't really have an excuse, or a reason, or anything that would justify us drifting apart the way we have. I guess it was difficult for me to actually write down what I was thinking and feeling, and to separate what I should have said from what I wanted to say. But whatever the reason, I'm sorry.

It's been so long now that I feel a little strange telling you these things, but I feel like I should. You saved my life, in more ways that I realized at the time. You were the one person who cared about me enough to help me, the one person who believed in me and told me that I wasn't a waste of space or time. I didn't believe you when you tried to tell me that, and I still have a hard time believing it sometimes. I've gotten so much better though, and it's all thanks to you. Whenever I start to really doubt myself, or feel really down, I remember what you would have told me and how you would have encouraged me to keep going. And then I do. And I can't thank you enough for that.

I'm not sure if you even still want to read this email, if you still care about what happens in my life at all. But I still wanted to tell you that something wonderful happened, just because I really don't have anyone else to tell. I got a new job today, one that's so much better than the terrible old job I had before. The company is called MJN Air, and they're a charter airline that flies all over the world. And starting next week, I'm going to be their Captain.

It's because of you John. It's all absolutely because of you.

Thank you, for everything.

Martin

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Subject:
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