Callen stood silently as he watched, what he had considered to be, a pretty nice warehouse burn to the ground in front of him; fire fighters trying their damndest to reduce the flames and stopping it from damaging anything else too close by. What made a nice warehouse he wasn't exactly sure, but he knew that one had been. He'd seen and been in enough of them in his time to assess their qualities, so he was confident in his judgment that that had been one of the better ones. Well, it had been until it had blown the fuck up, with him still inside of it, after he had triggered an explosive by the door and it had come crashing down around him.
And if that wasn't a metaphor for what his and Nell's relationship was going through just then, then he really didn't know what was. Something that had been good and serving a positive purpose until he had gone and messed it all up and now had to watch as others tried to make it right again because he didn't have the knowhow to do so. Yeah, the burning building in front of him was most definitely a visual representation of that. And normally a situation so blatant in its symmetry and irony would have made him laugh with how on the nose and in his face it was, but not even his slightly macabre sense of humour could find a thing funny about this, because it just wasn't, at all.
Ok, he could confess that if it had happened to someone else, say Deeks for example, he would have been able to find the karmic joke in it, but this had happened to him and not the shaggy haired, man boy of a detective, and in turn it meant that Callen had done it to Nell, so it held no wit whatsoever for him.
Callen's eyes diligently tracked a burning ember floating and dancing its way through the air and sighed long and deep; he'd messed up and he knew it. He winced slightly as his mind replayed the way Nell had said, in clear, severe warning and, very well veiled, exasperated concern: 'Callen, don't, just wait a moment' to him through his comm., because she had know what he was going to do probably before he even had. He had then ignored her worry for him, even though it had caused an obvious twinge in his chest to do so and removed the device from his ear, tucking it in his pocket and had gone all lone wolf into the warehouse for the intel he knew they needed, leaving his team safely away from the high explosives they knew to be inside and Nell and the others back at OSP in the dark. It had been necessary, though, Callen had reasoned to himself as he breached the Russian bolthole; the mobsters had made them, as made obvious by the bullet graze on his bicep and consistent exchange of gunfire, and he couldn't risk them blowing the building before he had got what was necessary to nail their mob asses and associates to the wall. He knew that his team had the bad guys well in hand before he made his move, as made evident by the criminals lying on the asphalt in varying degrees of injury and consciousness, so he took what he saw as their only opportunity.
It wasn't until after he had gotten the incriminating evidence and that the building had blown and he had gotten out with only some minor injuries, all bad guys cuffed and accounted for that he was informed by a disappointed Eric and an angry Sam, that Nell had broken the Cloud encryption she and Eric had been working on before he and Nell had gone on stake out the day before, and that he had risked everything, more than he had thought at the time, for nothing. She already had what was on the hard drives that he nearly got his ass burnt to a crisp to retrieve.
Nell had been conspicuously absent from the conversation and when Callen had asked where she was, resolutely ignoring Sam's all too knowing look because he was not dealing with that right then, Eric had told him that she was coordinating with the FBI who were going to take the Russian's so that NCIS could have Johnson and see how far his contacts went in supplying non-friendly's with Navy weapon shipments. And that she was also getting in contact with bomb disposal to check for any residual explosives, the fire department to put out the fire Callen had caused and safely secure the structure, LAPD to guard and protect the scene and medics to treat and clear everyone involved. Callen had accepted the excuse because what Eric had conveyed was what Nell did whenever interagency and department cooperation was needed during an investigation and let it go, but he knew what was really going on. He had worked with Nell long enough to know that she almost always stayed on comm's. when she made those calls, just in case she needed information to pass on to another department or a member of their team required her assistance, and the fact that she wasn't now was significant. Significant meaning that she was pissed or upset at him and he knew that it was his fault for going back on 'suspect bomb, run from bomb' and instead doing the exact opposite and going with 'suspect bomb, run to bomb like a jerk and cause bomb to explode when way too close to the consequences.'
That had been twenty minutes ago, twenty minutes of standing and staring at a burning building because he truly didn't know what else to do. He couldn't try and sort things out with Nell right then, not only because he wasn't sure if she'd even answer if he tried to contact her, but also because he wasn't a complete tool and he knew that that needed to be done face to face. He was an idiot, not a coward; hence the running into a rigged to explode building. He also had nothing to do at the crime scene because everyone had their tasks and were completing them to perfection and as his team were pissed at him he couldn't even shoot the breeze with them or tease Deeks' inferiority complex about fire fighters being better looking that cops.
Callen narrowed his eyes slightly as he sensed more than saw or heard movement to the side of him. His ears were still ringing from being a lot too close to an explosion – or rather in an explosion – and the noise from all the people working around him was a hindrance, as was the headache throbbing at the base of his skull and the cloudiness of his vision thanks to all the flying dust and debris all told him that he was suffering from the after effects of his own stupidity, but years of training didn't leave him completely defenceless. Turning his head to the side slightly, he saw Sam staring at the nearly extinguished fire that had held his attention for so long. Deciding not to invite conversation that could turn into a Sam Hanna Scolding or an in-depth discussion about his maybe-not-any-longer relationship with Nell , Callen looked forward again, not saying a word and waited for his partner to say whatever it was he obviously wanted, knowing he couldn't truly stop his partner. Sam was his emotional fire fighter in his earlier metaphor, Callen realised and his nose screwed up, not quite sure on how to think about that.
"The FBI took the Russians." Sam said, still looking forward and Callen smirked, his friend lasted all of thirty seconds before breaking the silence. "Kensi and Deeks are taking Johnson to the boatshed; apparently he's already talking deal." Callen just kept looking at the dwindling fire, his gaze lowering to the growing river of water making its way towards him from the hoses as he inclined his head to say that he had heard him. He knew all of this already, though, and Sam knew that he knew. He'd seen Callen shake hands with the FBI lead agent before they drove away with the Russians and he had witnessed Callen giving Kensi and Deeks the order to question Johnson – which they had accepted frostily, because, yeah, pissed at him. Callen also knew what Sam was doing, trying to draw him into talking about something inane to then segue into something more probing and he wasn't falling for it. Callen wanted to use his own extinguisher before calling in the professionals, he decided fully embracing the metaphor now; it worked for him. It was quiet again for a long few moments when Callen felt the air shift next to him as Sam came to face him, but Callen kept his eyes on the way the light reflected off the water on the ground. "You should let the medics check you out." Sam said and Callen flicked his eyes to him and raised a brow before looking back to the fire. They both knew that wasn't going to happen. All he needed to do was shower, have his wounds cleaned, covered, possibly butterfly stitched and then try and sleep off his tinnitus and headache. What he didn't need was the convalescence in a hospital bed the paramedics would try and enforce because they didn't know just how many times he had had to deal with nearly get blown up and its aftermath. "Yeah," Sam sighed, more out of resignation that annoyance, as he scrubbed a hand down his face and looked away from his mule-headed partner, "I thought not." And Callen smirked again. His friend did know him. Well, if the way he opened his mouth and shut it again was anything to go by; obviously wanting to say something but think better of it and Callen knew it had to be about Nell. "We should get back to OSP, Hetty wants to debrief and have the paperwork done before we can have the weekend." With that Sam held out his hand and Callen, grateful that Sam hadn't asked about his recently rocky love life, fished in his pocket for his keys, knowing that he couldn't drive when he couldn't hear right, move his arm without pain and his vision was a little blurry, before he froze in his search when his fingertips hit something that made his blood run cold. Sam's eyes widened and he took a half a step forward, his outstretched hand now held as if to steady his friend. "You ok, man? You went real pale just then." He asked worriedly. Callen didn't respond, just pulled his fist from his pocket and put it between them, slowly turning it palm up and unfurling his fingers, one by one, before revealing what had made him ashen when an explosion hadn't. Sam looked down and let out a barked laugh as he saw what it was and his hand retracted from its hovering position at Callen's shoulder, to his own stomach as he tried to contain his cackle. "Oh, man, if you thought Hetty wasn't going to have your ass before for being a complete fool, she sure is now." Sam chuckled as he motioned to the crushed-to-bits ear piece in Callen's palm. Callen pouted, and yes it was a definite pout this time, he could admit it, closed his eyes and let his chin fall to his chest in defeat as he huffed a sigh of defeat for the day. An annoyed team and pissed Nell he could have probably handled but, add to it, a vengeful Hetty for being reckless and destroying some of her tech because of said recklessness was one too many fronts to defend, even for him. Especially as Hetty was the closest thing to a ninja as a person could get and you never quite knew what angle she would come at you from. Deciding there wasn't much he could really do about any of the forthcoming storms he had to weather standing in the middle of a crime scene, he just shoved the remnants of the comm. back into his pocket, tugged his keys free and chucked them into Sam's chest who caught them handily, before turning on his heel towards his car, knowing that Sam would follow.
Sam remotely unlocked the car doors and Callen got into the passenger seat with a pained groan, his muscles protesting being flung across a room by knotting and tightening with every move he made to get comfortable. Looking out of the passenger window, Callen saw that Sam had been pulled aside by an LAPD uniform so he took his time putting his sidearm, phone, badge and ruined comm. into the glove compartment not wanting to jostle himself unnecessarily, stopping suddenly when he saw the Tootsie Pop Nell had won, mocking him from where it lay next to the bag of its comrades; reminding him of much happier times not five hours ago, before he had screwed everything up by just being him.
This, this was why he avoided being with people in law enforcement, especially those he worked with. It was only the first case of their relationship and problems had already popped up and the funny thing was that that the outcome of his actions, no matter how brash and inconsiderate they may have been, weren't even the worst of outcomes possible; he was still conscious, after all, still alive. All he had to do was look at Kensi and Deeks to know his previously held philosophy had been correct and that starting anything with Nell would just spell disaster; it was bound to be messy and fraught with conflict because of the stresses of the job and those of sustaining a meaningful attachment and relationship to someone you already liked and cared for, both personally and professionally, before involving openly romantic intentions.
He had had known it was probably not the best idea to involve himself with Nell beyond the relationship they already had. He'd always been careful to keep a slight distance between them because he had found her intriguing and beguiling from the moment he had met her and he knew that that could be trouble from previous experience. Exceptionally smart women were an extreme turn on for him and Nell Jones was no exception to that, especially in conjunction with her delicately beautiful features and diminutive size making her all the more enticing. But being a genius and being attractive apart , she had also been young, too young in his mind, closer to twenty than he was thirty and what with all of his emotional baggage, he wasn't going to foist that on one so innocent and untouched, so he'd forced it down and away and gotten on with things, looking beyond initial attraction and finding himself impressed with her work ethic and amused by her antics during difficult cases that lightened his mood, as he settled them into an easy camaraderie, with her up in ops and him in the field; Nell being the trusted voice in his ear and the guiding hand to safety in dangerous terrain.
But then she had begun field work and partnering with him more often when Sam was unavailable or her talents were required and the neat little tech box he had put her in expanded and the initial attraction came back, but this time stronger, because she was older now; Still young and relatively innocent in comparison to himself and even his teammates, but not as naive or inexperienced as she had once been and that mattered to him. He not tarnishing her with his darkness mattered. Nell also knew him more now, knew his baggage, as much as there was to know, as much as himself and he knew her better in return from the years they'd worked together and Callen liked what he knew about Nell Jones; really liked it. So he had subtlety flirted with her over a period of months and had let the growing attraction he'd felt for her come to the fore, just to see if she would be receptive and maybe complicit and when she was, he knew he was done for. Bad idea or not, he was going for it.
So, yeah, even though he had known it was probably not for the best for anyone to let his simmering interest in her known so explicitly by brushing her hair from her face and had beyond a shadow of a doubt known it when he'd kissed her, he didn't care. He had been feeling brave and maybe a little recklessly selfish, from the weeks of easy teasing and close proximity and Nell had been Nell, all wide, beautiful eyes, sarcastic and pouty mouthed, whip smart brain, openly honest face and oh so soft skin; he hadn't been able to stop himself, it had all become too much for him to resist.
He wasn't exactly surprised when she had kissed him back, he hadn't doubted the signals he'd been reading, it was part of his job to notice things like that after all, but he hadn't anticipated just how enthusiastic she was going to be about it, about him, that she would be just as interested as he was in pursuing something. And that had been his downfall, because in that moment of realisation that she wanted him just as badly, no matter the consequence, he had convinced himself that because it felt right, that it was right and not a bad call of judgement on both sides for so many reasons, personally and professionally. He allowed the way she smiled up at him after a smartass comment to disarm him. Had let the way she sighed happily, a soft contented sound, against his mouth when he kissed her to melt away all of his well founded concerns because of the way she made his heart trip in his chest and the blood heat in his veins when her body moulded against his as she welcomed him into her body. And the way his skin hummed with relaxation when her breath ghosted his chest in the sanctuary of her bed. And although he knew that it wasn't his most thought through decision and that he knew better than to allow his heart to overrule his head, he couldn't find it in himself to regret it, any of it. To regret Nell was wrong, unfathomable to him, and he knew if he could go back twelve hours to that stake out, to that moment when he had turned to face her in his seat, his decision made to make his intentions clear and change it, he wouldn't, he would do everything exactly the same. So he welcomed the fall and could only hope Nell did too, because he wanted her, needed her, all of her; even her well deserved anger and frustration at him and his jerk behaviour.
He'd only just gotten her and he wanted to keep her; fury and all. He knew how he sounded, like a caveman asshole, and no doubt would be in for a long and detailed telling off about female agency and independence from Kensi, Hetty and Nell herself if he ever revealed his inner musings, but it was the truth. He knew that she wasn't an object or toy for him to possess; Nell was strong and self sufficient, it was one of the many things he liked about her but Callen was having a hard time reining himself in. Callen very rarely allowed himself to want things in fear of not getting them or having them taken away, so when he had what he desired, he held on. And he would hold on now, he would hold on for what they already had in such a short time and the so much more that was to come from being with Nell Jones. He wanted to share her bed, her space, her heart and he wanted the same for her with him. The small bursts of domesticity had warmed his heart, sharing a bathroom and a bed, the fresh coffee, the pet names, kisses goodbye and emoticon filled texts. The physical intimacy was intoxicating and addicting, from the smallest brushes of tongue to the firm grips of hands; the mark on his neck turning melancholic if that was the only thing he got from what they had had. He wanted it all, everything, more, so much more, with her, he just didn't know how now that he'd screwed up; it's not like he had a lot of experience in getting people to stay. Getting them to leave him he had down, having them stick around, not so much.
Callen knew that Nell had said she wanted a relationship with him and as she was a bona fide genius he had to believe she had anticipated something like this happening and had still wanted to be with him, but the self-conscious voice of a man who had been abandoned and forgotten nearly his entire life was too loud to ignore and was very close to convincing him that Nell would cut her losses when anticipation became an actuality and she realised the reward/effort disparity was too large for her continued participation in their could-be-relationship.
Callen nudged the sucker with his index finger and frowned before quickly looking away from the Tootsie Pop he had zoned out on and shoved the compartment closed when he heard Sam open the driver's side door and get into the car, not wanting to be seen having an existential crisis over a piece of hard candy because, hell, he was already weird enough without that. Callen reached for and buckled his seatbelt as Sam did the same and started the car for the journey back to ops, the vehicle pulling out of the warehouse district as Callen shut his eyes and lent his head back against his seat, hoping that Sam would leave him be so he could think. It wouldn't take too long in early Saturday morning traffic to get to OSP and he needed a plan of action before he did. Facing off against someone like Nell without one was not smart and despite evidence to the contrary from that night, Callen was an intelligent man.
But after ten long and not very fruitful minutes of mental acrobatics trying to find a solution to his problem, Callen was starting to doubt the intelligence he thought he possessed. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, his back protesting being stationary for so long as he opened his eyes and met Sam's in the rear-view mirror for a moment and sighed as he looked away. His lack of experience in relationships, and specifically how to maintain one, was severely biting him in the ass, but sitting next to him was a font of knowledge in the form of a bear of a man with a soft heart, who had firsthand knowledge in just that area. Callen knew that his partner was more than willing to share, eager to, even, and Callen was smart enough to use whatever resources were available to him.
Sitting up a little straighter and only wincing a little, Callen decided to bite the bullet and turned to stare at Sam's profile and said in a low, rough voice. "I need your help."
A/N: Sooo sorry for the wait, lovelies. The boyf and I bought a house and renovations are time consuming. Anyway, I love you all for being patient and still interested. Much more to come, and I know this was very insular and Callen introspective but I love me some angsty G. Hope you enjoyed and look forward to Sam and Callen bro-talk and Nell/Callen confrontation time.
SJ x
