When they arrived, the library appeared completely desolate. Although many students had work to complete, it was not typically something they were thinking about late in the evening during the holidays.
No, this was a time in which, as James had pointed out, people were having fun and doing things they ought not to. Although the latter was probably more common among himself and his friends than many of the others in the school at that time.
Upon entering the library, Remus and Sirius hovered awkwardly; neither had expected to see the other quite so soon, and they had no idea what to do next.
"Come on," said Sirius gently, "We'll grab a couple of seats by the fireplace."
Remus nodded, following his friend. Those seats were as good as any, he figured, and at least that gave him element of direction.
The seats were both facing forwards, turned slightly towards one another as though they were designed for people hoping to avoid eye contact. It was fitting, and they were soon seated comfortably amongst their cushions.
Sirius didn't say anything else, though his eyes kept darting towards his younger acquaintance expectantly. He wasn't shy, per se, just…uncertain.
"How was your week?" Remus asked him eventually. His voice was almost completely natural. The only suggestion that things were not quite right was the monotony of the question itself.
Sirius rolled his eyes, as though he expected the stalling but failed to appreciate it all the same.
"It was okay. I didn't get up to much."
Remus nodded simply, and waiting for the question to bounce back.
When it didn't come, he sighed.
"I think I just want to say that I'm sort of sorry about what happened last week," he began.
"Yes," Sirius agreed, and Remus turned to face him directly, "I've had that a lot from people. It's like they're apologising on behalf of that wretch I have to call my mother."
Remus gnawed the inside of his lip, frustrated at Sirius for diverting the topic slightly, and unsure as to whether he should press the issue with his friend's mother, or revert to what it was he truly had to say.
Perhaps, it occurred to him, Sirius was changing the subject because he wanted to air his grievances. Or perhaps, a niggling little voice suggested, he was simply as unsure as Remus.
"I'm sorry about that too," he replied, after thinking for a moment, "but that isn't quite what I meant."
"I know."
Sirius did not elaborate any further, and so neither boy spoke for a minute or so. It was as though they had reached a stalemate in which they were not sure whose turn it was to proceed.
Elsewhere in the library, they could hear Madam Pince humming to herself as she organised some of the school books.
"I wasn't sure what to say to you, or what to do with you after you'd left the Hall," Remus began to explain after a moment, "So I just…"
He trailed off, shaking his head slightly.
"So, you just thought you'd kiss me instead."
It wasn't a question. Nor was it an accusation. It was merely a statement of fact.
"Well," Remus reasoned, "it got you to go back in, didn't it?"
"Is that why you did it?"
This time, it was Sirius' turn to look straight at his companion.
Remus faltered. In all his pondering over the holidays, this was the one thing he had failed to be certain of. Why had he done it? Why at that precise moment? Why Sirius?
He scratched the back of his head, and swallowed.
"I'm not sure," he confessed, "It just sort of happened."
Sirius made a noise, which sounded something like a disgruntled 'humph'.
"Yes, I suppose it did. Will it be happening again?"
Remus' eyebrows soared. He hadn't accounted for this.
"I hadn't thought about that," he admitted, "Do you- well, do you want it to?"
He made a movement as though to clap a hand over his mouth as soon as the words had left him, but stopped himself from doing so.
That question wasn't in his plan. There was no justifiable reason he could think of, for having suggested such a thing.
Sirius pretended not to have seen Remus' movement, and pulled a face.
Resolutely, he just said, "No."
Remus had known it, he was sure, although he couldn't deny that Sirius' response still stung him.
"Okay," he replied, saying the only thing he knew he could, "I-"
"It's for the best."
"I get it."
Sirius stared for a moment at his friend, before shaking his head solemnly.
"No," he retorted, "I don't think you do."
Remus said nothing.
"I'm in a tricky situation, Moons. I need to devote some time to figuring out who I am, because I'm clearly not a Black," he began, "My mother said as much, when I returned to the Hall after… Well, after she had seen Dumbledore, and I happened to agree with her. She also said that there was a place for me at Grimmauld Place if I submitted to certain demands of hers, and with the threat of being made homeless, they almost sounded reasonable. After you had…well, let's just say she made a bit more sense to me. I made up my mind to see what life was like if I spent a week without associating with any of you. To see if I might find my place. In the end I found that it wasn't easy, and-"
"Sirius, you've said it yourself; she's crazy. Forget what she said. You have true friends here, people who will happily support you. You'll always have somewhere to stay. My parents might let you stay with us, or James' and Peter's might. There are options for you, without you shutting us out as though you're the only person to have experienced exclusion in your life. Please, think about it. Your parents don't matter. You do."
"I know, but it doesn't change the fact that I am enough of an outcast as it is without adding in whimsical homosexual romances. That," he emphasised, "is why it's for the best."
Remus was stunned.
Stunned because he had just been accused of being fickle. Stunned because his preferences had been dismissed out of hand. Stunned because it supposedly made him (and his friend) an outcast.
But most of all, he was stunned because it was his best friend who had said it.
A flicker of regret crossed Sirius' face, but he didn't say any more.
The duo remained in an eerily claustrophobic silence, as thoughts of shock brewed in Remus' mind, and Sirius' head whirred with ways of taking back what he had said.
Neither of Sirius' thoughts came to pass. Instead, after several minutes Remus made a decision.
"I'm going back to the common room, there are things I need to do," he said, emotionlessly. He stood up without uttering another word, and then paused. Casting a furtive glance over his shoulder, Remus checked his chair for anything he'd forgotten, and then swiftly glanced at Sirius' lounging figure.
Of course, Sirius was in a tricky situation, and times were hard for him. But Remus was now struggling between trying to help, and knowing when to stop.
The indecision was apparent, and soon enough Sirius had also risen from his chair.
"I'll come with you," he said as he rose.
"I'd rather you didn't," Remus retorted, walking away.
"Remus, stop. Look at me for a second," he answered, tentatively reaching out to grasp his friend's arm and prevent him from walking away.
"There's nothing to say," Remus spoke, staring directly at Sirius as he submitted and turned to face him.
"Of course, there is, I didn't quite-"
He paused, considering himself for a moment. He, with his hand around his friend's bicep; the two of them just as close as they had come to be the night of the Parent's Evening.
The same thought must have occurred to Remus, for his stormy expression melted considerably.
They remained close to one another for a period, neither saying anything, and Remus' eyes darted around in uncertainty before-
"Well," Sirius cleared his throat, a faint flush colouring his fatigued pale face, "You should know that I'm not going to be going home any time soon," he said lightly, "So…a truce?"
He released his friend, and extended his hand, stepping back with his trademark grin.
Remus was so confused.
To be continued…
