Professor Anita Blake (Anita Blake)
Their new Defense Against the Dark Arts professor was already there, leaning back in her chair, as the Gryffindors and Slytherins meandered into the classroom. Her mess of thick black curls hung over her face as she systematically cleaned a handgun, her legs casually propped up on her desk. Her face was pale but her eyes were dark. As Harry looked closer at her eyes that were staring intently at her gun he saw something else in them too. Something…dangerous.
The bell rang and everyone settled into their seats and waited for the woman to say something. She didn't, instead she took the time to finish taking care of her gun before she set it into her shoulder holster and then let her eyes sweep over the class. She smiled softly.
"Good afternoon, class. I am Professor Blake. I'll admit that I don't have a lot of magical experience like yours but I've got a hell of a record at killing all sorts of dark creatures. Seems that's why Professor Dumbledore hired me, to get you all prepped for some war against the darkest wizard known to man."
Her eyes softened particularly as they roamed over Harry's still form. Her tone indicated disgust at what Dumbledore wanted from her, as if she didn't approve of kids fighting a war.
"Before we get started, are there any questions?"
A dozen hands went up. Professor Blake gestured for Draco to speak first.
"You mean…you aren't a witch?" he asked in disdain. "How are you supposed to help us learn the dark arts? Er, I mean how to fight against the dark arts?"
"You name?"
"Malfoy. Draco Malfoy," he sniffed in a superior tone.
"Malfoy, go stand against the wall."
"Uh…what?"
"If you want your question answered, you will go stand against the wall," she directed in a blank voice.
Rolling his eyes at Crabbe and Goyle, Draco did as she commanded.
"Okay, now don't move."
"Don't…huh? Wait, what are you doing?" Draco asked in a shrill voice as Professor Blake pulled out her gun. "Don't kill me!"
A cold look entered the professor's eyes. "Don't move or this will hurt – a lot." Then she began firing rapidly as Draco began crying like a little girl and the rest of the students began screaming.
...Well, except Harry and Ron. They thought Draco's punishment was well deserved.
When the professor was done Draco was still (unfortunately) alive and sobbing from his spot against the wall. A line of bullet holes traced his outline against the wall, like a perforated paper doll.
She turned back to the class and gestured towards Draco. "Tell me class, are wizards bullet-proof?"
"N-no, professor," Hermione stammered.
"Good. Then that's how I'll be teaching you Defense Against the Dark Arts."
Six months later Harry, Ron, Hermione, and several other of the most skilled DADA students broke into Voldemort's secret lair. The entire place turned into a bloodbath because it turned out that wizards were not Superman – no spells were faster than a speeding bullet. In no time they stalked into Voldemort's lair, who was gazing upon them in amusement.
"The ones you killed were worthless to me, you fool. Do you think I care about them? Now come to me, little Potter. Come to me and die."
Harry raised his AK-47 with a determined gleam in his eye. "I think it's time you di—"
Professor Blake lowered her gun. "Harry, wait."
Everyone stared at her in silent confusion. Her eyes were glazed over as she stared at Voldemort and she was breathing heavily. Likewise, Voldemort couldn't take his eyes off of her.
Professor Blake licked her lips and began moving towards the most evil wizard in the world. "I've been with evil vampires and weres, but you…" She swallowed heavily. "God, you're beautiful."
If Voldemort had eyebrows they would be furrowing in bewilderment. But he didn't, so he just eloquently voiced his thoughts. "Huh?"
"Take me, take me now you reptilian fool!" Professor Blake screamed as she launched herself into Voldemort's arms and began kissing him passionately.
Harry and Ron began losing their lunch. Hermione nearly exploded from the situation not properly computing in her head.
Voldemort began kissing Professor Blake back, hard. And then suddenly both of them lost their clothes and began making zealous love on the stone floor of the mock throne room.
"Oh my god…what the…?" Harry was at a lost for words as everyone tried averting their eyes.
Hermione shrugged as a few puzzle pieces clicked into place for her. "Not terribly surprising. I did do some research on Anita Blake, the Executioner. Turns out she has a harem of vampires and weres back home in St. Louis that she regularly sleeps with. I suppose it's not surprising that she would find a new type of evil boyfriend here in Britain." Then her head cocked to the side as she stared at the writhing figures on the floor.
"You know, on account of his eyes I always wondered if Voldemort was part snake. It turns out he just has a giant snake in his—"
"Don't say it!" Ron urged as a new round of vomiting commenced.
A/N:
Haha ;)
Ok, LAST bad mental image for a long time, maybe even the rest of the series. I just thought I should do all the bad ones at once, like ripping off a band-aid! Next up is Brock Samson – I PROMISE there will be delightful amounts of blood and gore (just for mmooch ;)
*In the Anita Blake books she's a necromancer and a vampire hunter of sorts. Problem is 10 books in she starts having multiple 'boyfriends' at one time and I think with the latest books she's up to a harem of several vampires (Jean-Claude, Asher, Damian), Wolves (Richard, Jason), Leopards (Nathaniel, Micah), 1 Tiger (Crispin), and 1 Lion (Nick)...at least.
