The day after I punched Macy in the face (which had felt surprisingly satisfying), Eric was sitting on my bed peering into my face with wide, energetic eyes. When he saw my eyes open he grinned and started bouncing up and down slightly with enthusiasm. It was good to see him so happy again. He hadn't been his normal chipper self the day before.
"Breakfast!" He said. I pulled a face, smiling, and pushed him off the bed before rolling over and pretending to go back to sleep. I heard him huff and felt the bed move as he crawled over to sit on top of me and felt him shaking my shoulder.
"Come on! Breakfast time!"
"Get it yourself." I grumbled, rolling over onto my back and smiling at him. He rolled over and lay next to me, gazing into my face with big pleading eyes.
"Please?" He asked in the most pathetic voice. I raised my eyebrow and rolled out of bed, kicking off the blankets and putting my feet on the ground, pulling a face at how cold the floor was. I was tired, but I didn't want to show Eric that. I didn't want him to worry, and he would have. Perhaps I was underestimating him.
"What time is it?" I rubbed my face as Eric shrugged. I stood up and started moving downstairs, seeing Glenn sitting at the table. I glared up the stairs to where Eric was sitting, looking rather pleased with himself. At that moment I regretted taking him to meet new people. Now that he was acting his age, I was finding it so much harder not to act the annoying older sister in retaliation to his annoying little brother act.
"God, you look dreadful."
"Yeah, please don't take a knife to my brain. I am still alive," I muttered, opening the pantry and pulling out a tin of some sort of fruit, showing it to Eric, "Oi, pest, breakfast." I called. He pulled a face and I smirked. He'd have to live with what he was given. I grabbed a tin opener from the draw and opened the tin, dolloping the fruit into a bowl for him and then sitting at the table, looking at Glenn. I watched as Eric sat down and started playing with the food, reluctant to eat the fruit. I understood where he was coming from, but beggars can't be choosers.
If wishes were horses then beggars would ride.
"So, what brings you to our humble abode on this fine day?" I asked, looking at Glenn.
"Eric told me yesterday that you'd been acting funny, and I saw what you did to Macy. Just wanted to make sure you were OK." It had been a couple days since I had killed those men, sure, but I still hadn't gotten over it, and it made me feel weak, but also a bit relieved. Feeling like I was still human, even after everything that I'd been through. I darted a look at Eric, then looked down into the tin, playing with the fruit in it with my fork. I shrugged.
"I'm fine. Nothing I can't handle. Heard anything about Rick and the others?"
"Not yet."
"Shouldn't they be back by now?" I frowned. The foreboding feeling I had felt when they left returned and I could feel goose bumps travel up my spine. It felt like something was wrong, and I hated not knowing what was going on. Glenn shrugged.
"I don't know. Sometimes they can be gone for a week, sometimes longer. You can never tell when they're going to be back."
"I feel like something has happened."
"She has a sixth sense." Eric whispered when Glenn looked confused. I shook my head and sighed.
"Eric, I've told you before, there is no such thing as a sixth sense. At least, not when it comes to seeing the future."
"But you knew something bad was going to happen to Josh! You didn't want him to go out, but he did!" I looked at Eric and shook my head.
"Now isn't the time!" I hissed. Glenn looked confused.
"Josh?"
"Someone who helped us back in the city. Not something that is overly pleasant to talk about." I didn't look at Glenn. Eric was frowning slightly, as though he didn't understand why I was so reluctant to talk about these things, that he didn't understand what he did wrong. He hadn't done anything wrong. I was just more shut off than people would like, at least when it came to losing those I had cared about. And Josh had been like an older brother to me.
"Hey, Alex," I looked up at Glenn and he looked at me, "We've all lost people we cared about. You're not alone."
"I know. I know that everyone else here has lost so many people. But in some ways, I am alone. I know none of you all that well, and how long have I been here? You're as closed off to me as I am to you. The only people who really reached out aside from you, Maggie, and Carl are out there, doing who knows what."
Living in the past isn't living at all.
Glenn nodded, understanding where I was coming from.
"You going to help with the garden again?"
"Yeah, after a practice with Carl."
"See you then." Glenn smiled at Eric and me and then left. I sighed and looked up when Eric placed his hand on my arm, watching me with concern.
"Why did you say you're fine?" He asked.
"Because it isn't something someone can help me with. I appreciate you trying to help me, but somethings you have to get through on your own."
The church stood in front of me. It wasn't much of a church, but it was something. I pushed open the door and walked in, closing the door again behind me, then walked over to sit in one of the pews. I closed my eyes. This was the closest I had been to God in a long time. Technically speaking I was catholic, I had been baptised as one, but after the walkers came around, well, it was a bit hard to go to church. If only it was as easy to get away from undead in reality as stories made it seem. A priest walked over and sat next to me. I sighed.
"Of all the things that could have been built here, a church was. Why?"
"Because people need something to believe in." He responded. I had seen him around before, but I didn't really know him. I certainly couldn't bring his name to mind. I chewed on my lower lip.
"How can people still believe that God is good... when the world is pretty much falling down around us?" The priest thought for a moment and I watched him out the corner of my eye. I had told Glenn I was going to practice with Carl before working on the garden some more, and I was planning to. But first I needed answers. Sure, some things you have to go through on your own. But other things you can talk to someone about, even if it is just some deity who may or may not have turned His back on you.
"Because we are still here. We are still alive." He answered after a while. I laughed, smiling slightly, shaking my head.
"I just don't understand it." I whispered. He frowned.
"Is there something that you wish to say?" He asked. I couldn't look at him. Here I was, sitting in his church, and there was blood on my hands. I was in the presence of God and I had sinned more greatly than many of the people in Alexandria.
"I killed three men. I looked them right in the eye and I killed them. What does that make me?" I closed my eyes and felt my hands clench. I could still see their eyes.
"God forgives you of all your sins."
"But what if he doesn't? Those people were like me. They were survivors. Chances are that they had someone waiting for them. I don't know what I would do if Eric went out and never came back. How am I supposed to even know that God is still there?" I felt a tear slide down my cheek, "I lost my mum, I saw her get bitten, I heard her screams as she was eaten alive. I heard the gunshot when Josh committed suicide. I just found out that my dad might still be alive, that he might be planning on taking Alexandria under his control. I don't know how to tell Eric, and I don't see how God could still be watching over me when there are walkers trying to rip my guts out," I looked at the priest, "How do you do it? Continue believing when there seems to be nothing to believe in?" He paused again before answering, weighing his words carefully before replying.
"I have faith in God's plan for the world. What he wants shall come to pass, and in death I shall join Him in heaven." I looked back at the front of the church. If only things were that simple for me. Perhaps if things had been different then they would be. Maybe I wouldn't feel so alone, so forsaken.
"If only things were that simple for me." I said. I was expecting him to say some cheesey line about how it could be, but he didn't. He just sat there in complete silence next to me. Evidently he'd listened to a few people with the same doubts with me. Either that or he had been there himself. I smiled sadly as I looked around the church, taking in my surroundings more thoroughly.
"You know, I haven't been in a church since I was about ten. I doubt Eric would even remember being in one, he was so young at the time."
"You are welcome here any time you wish."
"You talk the way I did when I was a kid. Always seeming so respectful. It's amazing how much one person can change, can be influenced by the world around them," I thought for a moment, "Should I tell Eric about the possibility that Dad is still alive? Or wait until I am positive?"
"You should do whatever you feel is right."
"Ha, some help you are." But I was smiling. It felt good to just be able to talk to someone and know that they wouldn't tell anyone else. The priest was looking at me, almost seeming like he cared. But did he really?
Only trust those you know. Even people you know and hate. You can trust them to do something that you don't like.
There was a commotion outside and I frowned, standing up and moving to the door. Glenn spotted me and came jogging over.
"What's going on?"
"They're back."
"Somethings wrong, isn't it?" I asked, frowning at the commotion. Surely it would be quieter if everything had gone smoothly. Glenn nodded.
"Seems like your sixth sense is right. Daryl was shot." He said. For a moment I froze, then pushed past him and sprinted to the building where I guessed they would be taking Daryl. If he was dead, there wouldn't be this much commotion either.
'Please let me be right...'
