I broke the 4th episode into 3 chapters... it was REALLY long. Here's the second part.

/

Surprisingly, it doesn't take long for inspiration to strike. Unsurprisingly, it was because of Karen.

I'm fiddling around, trying out some chords, thinking about the last few weeks. A month ago I was a guy who worked at a bar who wrote music to humor his roommate. Today- well, I still work at a bar- but I'm sitting in a theater in Manhattan writing a song that might be sung by a Broadway star on TV. And it's all because of Karen.

Karen. She's the catalyst in all of this. She's altered my life- in more ways than just my present surroundings.

I wish I could let go of my reservations, my defenses and tell her how I feel. But I just can't seem to do it. Every time I've had the opportunity I've backed away from it. Why do I do that?

A phrase pops into my head, "I can't let go…" I play it.

It resonates in me, the way things do when I know I'm on to something. Unfortunately, I can't seem to find the next line.

Kyle is standing, pencil in hand waiting to write down the next words- but those four are apparently all I've got. I try again, and again. I play the chords and sing the words and… nothing.

The phrase leads nowhere. I groan.

For the fifth time Kyle tries to reassure me, "It's great."

"No, something's off."

"No it's not. It's perfect. Really. Keep going." He's determined that I can write this song by the end of the day. I'm not so sure.

"Yeah, it's pretty. But it's not connecting for me, man. I mean, I can't find the next phrase."

"What do you need right now? What would help you?" Mr. Fix-It to the rescue.

"Scotch. Weed." Those probably not allowed in here though… I look at him, "Coke?" I already know the answer to that one. I've done well lately avoiding the latter. Kyle isn't about to let me open that box again. He looks at me and makes a face. I smile to let him know I was kidding- mostly.

"Just… space." I need to think and that's hard to do with Kyle cheerleading every note I play.

"Fine, I'll leave you alone for a little while." Crap, I think I hurt his feelings. But if he wants this song, I need some quiet.

"Thanks," I tell him gratefully. He understands, I tell myself.

"Alright." I sigh as I place my hands back on the keys.

I try again. Same result. What is it they say about insanity and doing the same thing over and over?

"What's that?" I didn't even notice Karen walk in the room. I guess they're on break again.

"Hey!" I'm glad to see her. I gesture at the piano, "Just something I can't get right." I look at her, considering.

Maybe she can help. After all, she gave me the first four words- maybe she can help me find the next ones.

"What do you think of this?" I sing the line she inspired.

She considers it for a moment. She nods, "It's good." She pauses, "It probably should go up instead of down, like um…" she demonstrates.

"Huh." Why didn't I think of that? I try it out. Now it sounds like the start of a thought instead of the conclusion. "Yeah! Yes! Thank you!" I sigh and stare at the keys. With her help, I'm out of the corner I wrote myself into, but I'm still not sure where to go next.

"Is everything ok?" She sounds concerned.

"Yeah. Just I'm not quite sure what the target is that I'm supposed to hit here. I've never actually written a song FOR someone before."

"So don't." She shrugs, "Write for you."

I consider that. I haven't really written for ME much either. Usually I'm writing for Kyle's musical. I mean, I write when inspiration strikes, but lately the songs have been about our characters.

Looking at her, I realize there are a lot of emotions whirling in me right now that I can't seem to say out loud. Maybe I can put them into song for someone else to sing.

"I should probably get back up there." She turns to go.

"Yeah." I don't want her to leave. I feel better just having her here.

I take the leap I wasn't ready to make the other night, or any day since. "Actually, can you um, stay?" It's a long shot. She has rehearsal. But at least if she says no, I can believe it was because of that, and not because she's rejecting me.

She looks at me, surprised. Did I really just ask that?

"I'd really appreciate it," I finish somewhat lamely.

Watching me, she nods slowly. With that small gesture of acceptance, I have the next line. I slide over to make room for her. She sits on the bench next to me, just as she did the other night.

I play the line for her. "I can't let go, I need it to remind me…"

She smiles at me, "I like that. It's nice."

I smile back at her. I can hear it now. I play a bit more with her by my side. Neither of us notice when Kyle walks in.

He clears his throat.

I wonder how long he's been standing there, watching us. He looks upset. Karen checks the time. She has to get back to rehearsal.

"Thank you for your help," I tell her sincerely.

She smiles down at me, and it feels like the sun. "I'll come back on our next break," she promises.

I smile back at that, it's like we're the only two people in the room. "Ok. See you then." I look down at the piano and smile. I feel lighter now than I have all day.

Kyle clears his throat signaling that we're alone again. "I thought you needed space?"

"Dude, I did. But she walked in and… Look, she helped me get to the next line. What was I supposed to do? Kick her out?"

Kyle says nothing. I guess I did sort of kick him out before. Whatever. I don't have time to worry about that right now, I've found my inspiration and I need to get back to the music before it leaves me.

I offer an olive branch, "Want to hear what I've got?"

He sighs, "Sure." He can never stay mad at me for long.

I picture Karen's face and imagine her still beside me and begin to play. The words flow this time. The chorus, the verses pour from my soul. It's liberating really, to free the feelings I've bottled up for so long.

/

Karen

I wonder what's up with Jimmy today. That's twice now that he's seemed to lack confidence. Which is weird, usually his confidence is the one constant with him.

He looked so lost when he asked me to stay. Like a little boy.

I think about Kyle's face when he found us together. I realize how it must have looked to him, us sitting so close together, smiling at each other, working on Jimmy's song. I suddenly feel like an intruder. I don't want Kyle to think I'm trying to replace him in Jimmy's life. I'm not. And certainly Jimmy isn't thinking that. Most of the time, he can barely tolerate me. Today is the exception, not the rule.

But at least he seems to want me to come back later. I guess I'm not totally unwelcome.

Which is good, I want to hear what he comes up with. 'Yeah, that's the only reason,' my little voice observes drily.

Rehearsal starts and I refocus my attention.

/

What was amusing this morning becomes less so as the day progresses. Derek and Tom's inability to work together amicably coupled with Ronnie's mother barging in every five minutes has made rehearsal a trying place- at best- and miserable at worst.

Ronnie is uncomfortable and frustrated. The dancers and I are frustrated at all the starts and stops. It's hard to learn anything when it changes or is interrupted every other time you do it.

We're still trying to make the new version of "I've Got Love" work. Derek barks direction at Ronnie. He's getting angry- and now Ronnie is giggling nervously as a dancer touches her.

Derek leaves his table in the seats- never a good sign. He climbs up onstage and starts yelling at her while she's trying to sing. From personal experience, I know that being on the receiving end of that is almost as awful as watching it happen to someone else. Especially when that someone is trying so hard to do what's being asked of her. Ronnie's not ready for this. And Derek isn't helping.

For the thousandth time today Tom and her mother intervene. Hey look, another break…

I wonder if the guys are having better luck than we are.

/

Jimmy

Karen returns as I'm trying to work out the ending- it's really the first time I've been stuck since she left.

"Hey! Come sit." I pat the bench beside me.

She takes her seat beside me and I play for her what I've got so far. She watches me play, encouraging me with her smile. And suddenly I know how I want to end it.

When I reach the last of what I'd written before, I wing it. I look at her as I sing the new words, "Would you help me? Help me to let go." The last note trails off and I see Kyle looking at me in surprise. Karen claps.

"Jimmy! You did it!" She's grinning at me. "It's amazing!" She gives me a quick hug.

I look up at Kyle who's looking at me funny. I get worried. "What? Don't you like it?"

"It's… no. It's perfect." He pencils in the last lines and hands the sheets to me to look over. Karen rests her chin on my shoulder as she reads it with me. I smile at her.

She jumps up, pulling me with her and grabs the papers from me. "We need to find Derek." She disappears through the door. I follow her, trying to keep up.

/

Karen

I find Derek in the alley with Ivy.

"Derek! Derek! You've gotta hear this song. It'll break your heart. It's simple, it's pure, it's Broadway, but with a fresh take." I sound like I'm in a wash powder commercial.

Derek looks at me, "Yeah, well, slight change of program. I don't need a new song." He looks at Ivy who smiles at him and walks away. "I'm going to give the people what they want…" he says sarcastically. "No fresh take required." I look at Ivy's shadow disappearing through the doorway.

What did she do?

Before I can respond, Jimmy cuts in. "I'm sorry, what are you saying? You're not going to listen to the song?" Jimmy immediately leaps to the worst conclusion.

"I've got a show to direct, alright?"

"No dude. You're going to hear it. That's the least you could do."

"Jimmy, calm down." He should let me talk. I can probably get Derek to listen to it if Jimmy would just chill. I try to explain to Derek, "He's just been working really hard."

"Don't speak for me." He's gone now. He's lashing out. He turns on Derek. "If I'm going to be screwed by someone, it's not going to be you."

Derek turns to me, "If this is how he behaves when he doesn't get his way, "Hit List" is very unlikely to happen." Oh good, now Derek's talking to me as if Jimmy isn't standing right next to him. This is bad.

But it's also unfair. "Hey, it isn't about that." I shoot Jimmy a pleading look. Breathe. Calm down. Please.

"Just hear the song, Derek." Jimmy says through clenched teeth. He sees me silently willing him to control his temper. He takes a deep breath and in a more reasonable tone explains, "I gave everything I got. Give me five minutes. I deserve that." I have to agree with Jimmy.

"No! No one deserves anything in this business." I realize that this isn't about Jimmy anymore. Derek's taking his own frustrations out on him. "You wait your turn and earn it. You are not there yet." Derek stands up to leave and Jimmy blocks his way, "Seriously?" Derek is incredulous.

It's not worth it. I try to get Jimmy to let him pass. "Jimmy,…" I touch his arm and he swats my hand away.

Derek cuts me off. "It's alright, darling. He's just showing off for you." Doubtful.

Jimmy shakes his head and lets Derek by. He watches him walk away. He turns to me, "Come on, let's go."

What does he mean? I can't leave. "I have a show to do."

"You're not staying." Is he serious? I can't abandon Ronnie twenty four hours before her concert. It's a big enough mess as it is. And this is my career. It would be completely unprofessional. You don't leave because you don't get your way.

"Jimmy,…" I want to make him understand, but he doesn't want to hear it.

He cuts me off, "You know what? I'm outta here." He turns and walks down the street, disappearing into the night. I stand helplessly, watching him walk away.

I turn to see Tom standing behind me. I wonder how much he saw and heard.

In hindsight, it may have been better to take the song to him first. He is the music director- and a little more reasonable usually. Too late now. I sigh and look down at my feet.

I realize I'm still holding the manuscript pages in my hand. Maybe it's not too late. I walk over to Tom.

"Jimmy finished his song. It's good. It's really good. Derek just blew him off, but please, play it. I… I think this could really be something." I hand him the pages and walk back inside.

/

Jimmy

I'm fuming as I walk the dark streets.

He isn't even going to listen to it? I worked all day on this! I poured out my heart for this, I bared my soul. That's something I haven't done- ever.

And he has the nerve to give me more of that 'wait your turn' crap? Oh hell no. I'm here and I have a song ready- what more do I have to do to earn my shot? I'm tired of this 'my time is more valuable than yours' crap. Kyle and I both gave up work today for this- our time is valuable too. We have bills to pay, you pompous ass.

And he is so far off base- if I wanted to show off for Karen, he'd be lying on the ground.

What an asshole.

I can't believe she stayed with that jerk- good to know where her loyalties are. In the contest of Derek v. Jimmy- big shot director wins over penniless bartender. I knew it. Just when I thought she was different.

My anger begins to subside, but the emotions replacing it I don't want to face. I've never been good with that. Anger is easier.

I go to several clubs I know. I see some old… well, let's call them friends. With most of the money in my pocket I manage to procure some pills that will take the pain away.

I don't stay anywhere long. I'm sure by now Kyle is looking for me and I don't want him to find me.

I don't want to go home. I don't want him to tell me that I behaved badly, or that Karen had no choice- she had to stay, that if she left she'd be walking out not just on Derek- who totally deserved it- but also Ronnie and the other dancers. I don't want someone to tell me these things. I don't need them to.

I get it. I just don't want to. This is easier.

I take the pills. I feel better almost immediately. And now I have another reason for Kyle not to find me. I don't want him to see me like this.

He's worked hard to pull me out of this life. He tolerates the occasional joint, but he draws the line at pretty much everything else. I'd get a lecture if he finds me now. Screw that.

Like a nomad, I wander the city until dawn. I scrounge some breakfast at a diner with the remaining money in my pocket and head back toward the theater. I don't really want to see Kyle, but there is someone I do want to see. Maybe in my current state of mind, I can tell her some of the things I can't seem to be able to tell her when I'm sober.

I sit on the stairs of the fire escape and wait. I hope she shows up before Kyle. Kyle shouldn't be here until tonight. And I bet Karen has to be here early.