IMPORTANT: Firstly just want to say this should clear up what happened that night, and this chapter is really the tapering off of issue of the 'cheating' as of nine it will no longer be a factor, as a reminder Kate will also only have a brief cameo in 10 and then be gone. Also this is the last chapter with the 'diary' start, it was something that worked better in theory but has limited me in certain ways where 1 chapter had to become two, thus why this (kate/cheating) issue has seemed to drag on. This is the first time I've really tried to slow the plot as mentioned before so i appreciate the patience. IMPORTANT

Thank you all for the support and continued reading.


Chapter Seven: Too Afraid To Love You

June 5th, 2052

I don't know where she is.

I can't reach her, I just keep getting an error message.

Kenzi and Hale are here, the kids are here. I don't know where she could be.

I run a million scenarios through my mind, each one making my agitation worse.

Why would she just run away?

Why are we starting to come undone at the seams?

Nine years without a single incident. A real incident I should say.

Nine solid years we've held everything together, why now?

Kate can't be blamed for this, not solely anyway. We were slipping before her return.

Is it what she'd hiding? Is it me?

Why are even hiding things anymore?

What is happening to us? To me?

Who am I anymore?

.

.

.

June Sixth / GENI-TECH / North Wing-Combative Training Facility—8:23 a.m.

"I thought you generally needed a partner for sparing?" I smile gently, taking a seat next to Bo. She's just sitting on the bottom bleacher, elbows resting on her thighs with her hands folded. She looks so deep in thought, it's never good when she looks like this.

"You do." She sighs.

"Well, if the boys skipped out on you I can step in."

"You want to spar?"

"Mm-hm." I nod, standing right back up. "Come on." I say kicking off my shoes, pulling my scrub top off.

"Did you ever think maybe they aren't here because I don't want to spar?"

"Oh well, too bad." I take her hand, pulling her up and then out a few feet.

"I don't want to spar with you."

"Why not?"

"Various reasons, the biggest one at the moment being the fact I'm not all that into domestic violence."

"Too late for that one babe, I'm pretty sure several things we've done in the bedroom just in the past six months are borderline." I smirk slightly, though it grows when that firm pout riddling her features finally breaks a bit. "Come on, think of this as foreplay." Smirk growing, as I throw a lazy side kick, foot hitting her thigh. "You love foreplay."

"You do make a compelling argument."

"See." My brow raising.

I throw another identical kick, she just moves to the side. I do it again with the same result. Though every time she gets a little bit of a smile.

Bo liked to hold onto the notion I couldn't fight, and I suppose next to her or the boys I can't. She just tended to think I couldn't at all, and so it was easy to play into it. It was nice having her want to protect me, keep me from having to. It made her feel good, boosted her ego so there's nothing wrong with it.

It's been a long time since I actually even attempted to spar let alone fight-if we weren't counting a little physical foreplay.

I throw a couple open handed-punches? Each one she gently swats away, almost chuckling at me now.

"Don't laugh, this isn't funny." I pretend to pout.

Throwing another right she turns her back into me, right hand grabbing my wrist. My chest hitting her back as she does this. Her left hand grabbing my ass. Had she not managed to flip me over all in the same movement I would have laughed.

She makes sure I don't hit hard, but she makes sure she comes down atop of me. Her right leg firmly between mine, her hands right beside my shoulders holding herself up. I would have leaned up for a kiss-but the look in her eyes tells me not to.

She just holds my gaze, this depth within her eyes that frightens me. The smile she once had gone replaced by a tense jaw. Her breathing is steady, but hard. I'm so scared of what she's going to say. My elbows bend, hand going to the curve of her waist.

"Why are you still searching, as if I'm not enough?"

"Wh—what?" My words a broken whisper. Tears filling my eyes as I see the pain clearly written over her face, in her eyes, in her voice.

"I would die for you. I would go to hell for you. I would give my soul if for you just to keep yours. I would do anything for you. I fight every day for you-why isn't that enough?"

"Baby, it is." Voice breaking, my left hand coming up between us to her face.

"Is it?"

"I promise, you're all I want."

"Then why does it feel like I'm losing you?"

"I-I don't know."

"So-I am?" She takes a deep breath, trying to hold her tears in as she tilts her face into my hand.

"No-maybe-I don't know." Tears slips free, my chest feeling as if it's caving in on me. "This isn't about her-not really. Not her just-"

"Then what? Please-" She closes her eyes, tears still making their way down her cheeks though. Her head tilting down so her forehead rests against mine. "I'm begging you, tell me. Let me in."

"I—" Closing my eyes, I tilt my head up. My lips kissing her tear moistened ones, the salty taste sending a surge of pain cutting right through my heart. She doesn't respond though, just pulls her head back and stares into my eyes. "I don't know who I am anymore." I utter the words aloud I had tried so hard to keep locked away.

"What?" Her eyes narrow, her tears falling onto my cheeks. She looks so surprised.

"I look at my reflection and I can't recognize myself anymore. Every night before leaving I take a shower, I look down and I don't recognize my own body. I don't recognize these-emotions I feel." I close my eyes, trying to push back some of my tears. "I'm not searching from someone to replace you—I'm searching for myself. You aren't losing me to her or anyone, I just am losing myself."

"No," She shakes her head, smiling gently through tears. "No baby, I know you. I know who you are."

"H—how can you when I don't?"

"Because I know your heart, and your soul. Everything else-it's just-extra. You can get aggressive or violent or—broody. None of it matters. I know you Lauren. I know you and if need be I'll remind you every day."

I close my eyes, taking a breath as I try and stop my tears. My other hand coming up to her other cheek, before moving them both to the back of her neck.

"I love you so much," I open my eyes, vision almost completely back to normal now. "You will always be my choice." I smile softly, and she seems like my words are taken with a grain of salt.

A minute passes, and I want nothing but to hold her. Nothing more than to kiss her, lose myself in her. It's one of the only times I feel safe, feel like I'm me, but I can feel she doesn't want it.

Slowly she maneuvers herself off of me, taking a seat and having no choice I do the same. I watch silently as she wipes the remaining tears away.

I don't know what to say.

I don't know what she wants to hear.

"I'll call in some favors, make some arrangements. I'll make sure she's safe and I'll help her, but-she won't be here."

"Don't."

"What?" I look over to her, moving to my knees as I ready to stand. "I'm trying to make this right. I don't want her here, not at the cost of our mirage."

"Sending her off with some people who don't care about her-it's not right Lauren."

"Well you know Bo—I can't please everyone and do the moral thing. Something has to give."

"We're not handing her off, we can't do that to family." She sighs, tilting her head down as she runs her hands through her hair. "We won't do that to family."

"Then?"

"We help her-and then I don't know."

"But with us?"

"We-will handle it." She looks into my eyes as she speaks this time. I wish I could say I don't see doubt, but I can't.

I push myself up onto my feet, my first instinct to go to her, kiss her before leaving. It doesn't seem welcome though, so I just smile before turning and walking back to the bleachers. I slip into my shoes, pulling over my scrub top again. Feels like all I ever do now a day is either get dressed or undressed.

I start toward the door, but find myself stopping. I turn around and watch as she comes to stand. She looks at me curiously, waiting for me to say or do something. She doesn't say anything though.

"Thank you for last night, for looking out for her."

"You don't need to thank me."

"I do, because I know that a big reason you did it was because of me. So thank you Bo."

"Always." She smile gently, looking down at the ground.


.

.

GENI-TECH / South Wing-'THE-CAGE'- 12:00 p.m.

Head resting against my hand as my elbow digs into the desk, my eyes growing watery from staring at the monitors for so long. Each of the screens having different nights playing on them, yet they all seem as if they could be from the same one.

Noah has yet to return from picking up Jane Doe Number Four, so it seemed like a good idea to dedicate a little time to figuring out the thing that's ripping my life apart.

Stupid idea.

Now I am just tired, and frustrated-with sore eyes.

"You look about as bad as I feel."

"Thanks." I don't need to look up to know the voice. I don't even need to look up to know she's standing there, arms on the top of the desk as she watches me. I can smell her-and her wolf. I know the sound of the footsteps and the pattern of her heart rate.

"I stopped by Bo's office, but she wasn't there."

"She's probably out with Hale or Jimmy, we found a fourth victim."

"I heard, BBC has it all over."

"I wish they'd stop, all the attention is making it difficult."

"What is this place?" She asks, voice distancing a bit.

I look up, to find her standing over at the open entrance of my cage.

I feel a sense of shame washing over me. I forgot she didn't know. How would she? I never had a chance to tell her. Isa doesn't know. Nia and Adian don't know so they couldn't have told Isa or Ethan.

She pokes her head in there, and then looks back at me confused.

"Is this where you throw Noah when he annoys you?"

"No." I chuckle nervously.

"Are you doing experiments of some kind?"

"Something like that-unintentionally really."

"Unintentional experiments?" She chuckles, eyes narrowing with a smirk as she walks up toward me. "I'll bite, what are unintentional experiments?"

"Experiment." I turn off the monitors with a single keystroke. Sigh escaping as I look up to meet her stare. "It's for me."

"You're experimenting on yourself?"

"That's where the word unintentional comes in."

"Be kind, rewind."

"I've been having some problems as of late."

"Problems such as and not excluding?"

"With controlling my Fae. The past three months or so, I don't have control over it anymore."

"What? You've never had trouble with that."

"Yeah, I know." I scoff, leaning back in my seat. "But things change."

"Okay, how about we stop speaking in half sentences. Tell me what's happening."

"I told you."

"Okay, how about telling me how it started?"

"I—you really don't want to hear the story of that." I look down at the black screens. I'm not ashamed to say, I just want to be polite. Then again is it disrespectful to Bo to shy away from it?

"Lauren."

"Kate just—"

"Lauren, please."

"Remember you asked for it." I smirk up at her, nervously. "There was no hint, no-anything. We were at this gala, we got tipsy and left. She pulled off the main road—my idea. The we started to-"

"Really can skip that bit."

"Something felt different, unlike anything I've felt before. I ran, ran from the car out into the woods. Not until the next morning did Hale, Kenzi and Bo find me off in the middle of nowhere. We thought that maybe it was freak occurrence. But the next night, and the night after. Geni-Tech was generous enough to allow me the resources to build this onto the lab."

"Every night this happens?"

"Every night for over three months."

"What brings it on?"

"Midnight." I chuckle, standing up. "Every night, around eight I start getting restless. It grows as the hours go, then finally at midnight I change."

"Just-like that." She snaps her fingers, eyebrow raised. "Every night at midnight? For over three months?"

"Peculiar I know, I can't seem to find a trigger."

"I don't imagine you would. This is-unheard of."

"You think?" I laugh, stretching. "I have a serum that works, well it has on three separate occasions."

"Why not continue then?"

"Because I remember what happened with Bo. The serum worked great at first-and then it didn't. It seemed to make her hungrier. I can't control this as is, I don't need to build a tolerance."

"Sorry to interrupt, but I've got the body." Noah says, leaning in from the lab doorway.

"No rest for the wicked." I smile gently at Kate before walking off to meet Noah in the lab. I find it strange Kate doesn't automatically follow, but eventually I hear her steps behind me. "Did you happen to see Bo?"

"No." She snaps harshly enough that I look up from my box of gloves. He doesn't seem angry, he's just adjusting the gurney where I like it. Pulling the sheet off of her for me. Freak occurrence?

"Hale?"

"Nope."

"Jimmy?"

"Nope."

"Are you sure because Bo was supposed to be out there with one of them."

"Yeah."

"Perhaps there was a hold up at the documents clerk, she was supposed to be getting a national clearance-"

"Good for her."

"Noah." Kate says, causing me to glance over at her as she scowls him down. My attention shifting to him, even as strong as he is it only takes a couple seconds for him to look away from her.

"Am I missing something here?" I look between the pair, both just shaking their heads. "Okay." I sigh, walking over the newest victim. "Let's get started."

I glance back at Kate who is just standing off by the door watching us, to Noah who looks pissed though won't look at me. My eyes dropping down to this poor girl, less of her than the last.

I guess escalation is a continuing theme around here as of late.


.

.

Gymbox-5:37 p.m.

"You two do realize that Geni-Tech has several gym facilities within?" I look to my left as Nia beats Adian to the front seat.

"We do, but the last time Adian was using it him and his fella got into a tiff."

"Quiet."

"What happened?" I ask, looking up into the mirror to see his face as I pull off.

"Nothing, he was cross and sometimes maturity isn't his strong suit."

"I would say." Nia laughs, looking into the backseat.

"He decided to give mum a good going over."

"Mum was okay."

"No thanks to him."

"Why don't you worry about your own bloke, hm?"

"When did this happen?" I interject, making a right turn.

"Yesterday."

"Nia." Adian snaps, hitting the back of her seat I can hear it.

"Enough of that. You're twenty-three years old, not three." I glance back at him, and he give me Bo's pout.

"Tell her to bugger off, or we'll talk about the fact that she skipped her morning classes to fit in a quickie."

"This all so much more than I need to know." I sigh, trying to tune out their bickering.

They could either be two of the most mature people you'd ever meet-or this. If I was Bo then Nia would have probably already went into the back seat to continue their argument a little more physically. Bo was always more okay with the horse play, to me it just made me nervous. At what point is it just play? How do you know how far to go? How far is too far for me to keep from intervening?

I glance over, Nia still leaning into the backseat, swatting at her brother as he laughs.

I don't think I would have ever in a million years expected them to turn out so different from Ethan and Isa. I can't help if it's the different environment and upbringing. The different influences. Or maybe it's simply just their own personalities.

I manage to tune them out for the rest of the ride, a skill I've mastered.

Pulling up to the house, a smile comes onto my face as I notice Bo's car parked across the street. My eyes dropping to the radio clock, (6:06 p.m.) She's home early.

Shrugging it off, I step out of the car, bickering following.

"Talk about timing." Bo says, looking up at us slightly surprised by arrival. A big, brown, paper bag being crumpled in her hand. My eyes shifting to the spread of Chinese laid out over the coffee table.

"No fuck!" Adian yells out through a laugh.

"Peanut!" Nia yells after her brother, the two almost speaking over one another.

"Um-what?" Bo stares at us with dumbfounded look.

"Peanut is what your son looks like in the morning before he uses an entire bottle of gel to plaster his hair."

"Hey!"

"Nice one mother." Nia laughs, pushing passed Adian who stares at me trying desperately not to laugh.

"I would just like to point out how scary it is when I become the sane one in this household." Bo raises a brow, nodding with this puzzled smile.

"The ventriloquist we watch like-a month ago." I pull my jacket off tossing it on the chair off to the right of the couch. "Peanut was the-monkey type, purple, disheveled looking one." I continue speaking as I walk over to her. A kiss to her cheek, still slightly timid on attempting full affection yet.

"I'm still drawing a complete blank."

"Here," Adian says drawing our attention. Her walks over, holding out his phone so Bo can see a picture of the puppet. "That's him." She looks from the phone to her son and then back down to the picture.

"Ah, you're right." She nods, looking over to me. "That does look like our son in the morning."

"Alright. Alright." Adian glares, shoving his phone in his pocket. I see the little light bulb go off in his mind as he turns to his sister, the two of them sharing this look. "ALRIGHT!" The two say overlapping one another, both doing an overdramatic nod to imitate the character.

"I repeat, very scary when I am the sane one out of us all." Bo just smiles and takes a seat on the chair to the left of the couch.

I take a seat on the couch closest to her while Adian sits next to me and Nia claims the unoccupied chair. The two of them going after the food as though we haven't fed them in centuries.

I've been meaning to do a medical work up on them for a while now, but life just seems to keep getting in the way. They've of course had regular doctor work ups, but not since eighteen have I done a full analysis. Speaking of, Ethan, Isa and Gabby are due.

Note to self: Call Ethan and Gabby.

I look at the food, my stomach making a noise. I just can't bring to find it appetizing. I hear the names, I recognize it, smell it-it should be appealing. I know it should. I just can't bring myself to reach for it.

"Oh, Kenz mentioned Sara will be coming into town sometime tomorrow."

"Really?" Adian blurts out, mouthful of food.

"Yeah, apparently she is done with her internship. She hasn't liked France one bit. She's so ready to be home." Bo continues on, in between bites of her rice.

"That's great, I can finally get some real help in the department. Ever since Gabby left I've had such a terrible time keeping my department running adequately. They refuse to take intuitive leaps, if it wasn't for Noah I would have lost my mind long ago."

"Really?" Bo looks over at me, eyes slightly narrow. She's poking her fork in the rice and I know in this instant she's still upset. "Everything would just—fall apart-without the help of a wolf?"

"What's up?" Adian whispers, leaning over toward his sister.

"Nothing, mum is jelly that Aunt Kate is back." Both Bo and myself turn to Nia who continues eating without so much as a moment's hesitation. "Speaking of, whichever of you see her first-MOTHER." She rolls her eyes, leaning back into the chair. "You can tell her that I am bloody cross with her, and that she hasn't come by to see us."

"Oye! I agree, tell her that from me too. We have nothing to do with the tiffs between you three."

"It must be because we aren't Isa." Nia rolls her eyes again, scoffing. "My middle name is hers for God's shakes. Think that would at least buy me a hello." She hands her box off to her brother while taking his. "I'm thinking I should change it."

"Oh, bloody hell. Don't be so dramatic." He takes a bite. "Hypothetically what would you change it to?"

"I think mum's mum. Ethan has grandpa's middle name. You got mum's last name, Isa got mum's name. I should have gotten mother's or grandma's."

"How much thought have you put into this?"

"Did you tell them?" I look over at Bo who looks almost as confused as me.

"We're not children, and you two are bloody awful at keeping secrets." Adian continues to talk though mouthfuls of food. "Doesn't take a genius IQ to figure it out-though we do actually have one of those." He smirks, attention drifting back to his food.

Well, I guess that's that.

I pick up a box of sweet and sour chicken, minus the sauce and focus on them as the kids trail off into a conversation about some concert coming to town.

I can't bring myself to look up at Bo though.

What a tangled web we weave.

Back in Canada and even the first year when we came back to England the kids were close to Kate, never quite the same intensity as Isa and Ethan. Hale and Kenzi were always their first set of second parents, then Evony and Vex, and then Kate. It was always a blessing I thought, the sort of distance there, they made Bo their world. Still do.

I know they've talked to Kate many times since she left, I even know they've seen her. I've been tempted to ask-but then as they said, they aren't a part of the soap opera that is the three of us. Ethan and Isa aren't either, Isa just chooses to make sure she remains a part of it. I truly think that if Isa would just budge a little on her anger toward Bo, the tension between Bo and Kate wouldn't be so bad.

I can't say that a large part of their issue is me, but I think Bo likes to pretend the Isa factor is non-existent. It's easier to deal with the anger at a wife than a child.

We swore we'd let her come around in her own time, but to me it's just gotten ridiculous. She's a grown woman, can do what she pleases, but to hold this grudge. To keep this feud going for so long, to the point Ethan and Gabby left to avoid it having to take sides—it's ridiculous.

Anytime Bo brings it up I assure her that Ethan and Gabby are just exploring their marriage. That they are exploring themselves to learn to stand on their own two feet. I'm sure that's a huge part of it now, but when they left the sole reason was to escape the drama. Isa made it near impossible for him to continue a relationship with Bo—with myself without feeling guilty as if he was betraying her. As if he was betraying Kate, but he refused to choose their side as well.

I know I could have made him stay, but why torture him? I just always hoped that he would return a year-or two later. Now it's going on nine years and he still does everything to avoid home. I feel bad for Hale and Kenzi, the reason they hardly see Gabby being her loyalty to her husband. They don't hold a grudge though, in fact quite the opposite.

I take a breath, looking into my box—only four less chickens. That will have to do. I place the box on the table as I stand.

"I'm going to take a shower."

"It's early though, only like seven thirty I think." Nia says, looking from the television to me.

"I know, just feeling a little tense." I smile gently at her, walking toward the stairs.

I look at Bo as I pass, but she doesn't say a word.

I keep expecting her follow, but as I make it all the way into our bathroom managing to turn on the water and losing my scrub top I lose hope.

I just wish I knew what she was looking for. I apologized and thanked her. I let her in, I finally told her how I felt. I told her that she was all I wanted, yet here we are.

"Are you okay?" The sound of her voice causes me to jump, my head turning up from the sink to her as she stands in the doorway. I just nod after a second, eyes drifting back to the sink. "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I'm okay Bo. Just it's getting later."

"It's still pretty early to be-getting this tense."

"Yeah, well I'm pretty sure stress is having an effect or two."

"You need to try and relax." She says in a sigh, her hands on my shoulder. The touch surprises me, head tilting up as I look into the mirror to see her. "I know it's hard, but you have to."

I can't help the way my eyes close, head hanging forward as she begins skillfully caressing tensed muscles. My hands rest on the ledge of the vanity, eyes closing. God I love her hands. Tension slowly melting away with each movement of her hands. A slight moan escaping as they slip down to my shoulder blades.

"I'm sorry about downstairs." She whispers, leaning against my back. Her hands moving to my sides. Her thumbs continuing to message the small of my back. "This is just hard on me too."

"I know." I sigh, leaning my head back so it's resting on her shoulder, my cheek pressed to hers.

"It's a little hard to rub you like this."

"Just touch me." I reach around, taking her hands in mine, wrapping her arms around me. "I miss this."

"Being felt up in the bathroom?" I feel her smile against my shoulder.

"I'm being serious."

"I know," She sighs, tightening her hold. "It's still hard for me to even get to sleep at night. The bed doesn't even smell like you anymore."

"I can try the injections."

"We already discussed this."

"Well," I turn around in her embrace. Eyes locking with hers. "I can't keep living like this. All I want to do tonight is curl up in a ball and have you hold me. I miss waking up in the middle of the night to pee and having you as where I'm going. I miss playing with your feet to wake you up. I miss you."

"I want that too." She smiles gently, leaning in and kissing me softly. It's a shame it's bittersweet. "I love you." She kisses me again, arms pulling away me.

I force a smile, watching her walk away. The sound of the shower reminding me of what I came up here for to begin with. I pull the shower door open, the sound of Bo shuffling in our room making me remember something I wanted to ask her.

I walk back into the room, Bo plugging her phone next to the bed. She glances back at me, curious smile coating her lips.

"I thought you were gonna shower?"

"I am, I just forgot I wanted to ask you something." I walk in a little further, leaning against the desk. "Did something happen last night?"

"A lot, you're gonna have to be a bit more specific."

"With Noah."

"N—no. Why?" She says, looking back down at her phone.

"Bo, what happened with Noah?" I chuckle, eyebrow raising. She's hiding something, I just can't tell how serious it is. Noah's been known to hold a grudge over losing a game of pool.

"I drank a little too much last night-before rescuing Kate."

"Well whatever you did it must be something I'm going to be pissed about."

"What makes you say that?" She lets out a nervous chuckle, setting her phone back down on the nightstand.

"You wouldn't have put extra emphasis on the word rescuing otherwise."

"They know-I let it slip." Swallowing hard, she meets my stare. "Noah, Jimmy, Cole—they all know I cheated."

"And do they know—"

"That you made out with Little Miss Perfect in retaliation? Nope." She shakes her head, jaw tightening as she makes a face. I can see maturity is slipping away.

"I didn't make out with her." I snap, eyes narrowing.

"So you say."

"I didn't."

"Mm-hm."

"I didn't make out with her, I didn't even kiss her." I take a breath, looking down at the desk.

"I saw you."

"You saw me lean in."

"It's just as bad!"

"What?!" My attention snapping right back up to her. "We are not having this fight again."

"Right, because you say."

"Because we've put it behind us."

"Behind us, right." She scoffs. "So far behind us when I said I drank too much your mind went right back to—"

"Well it's a logical place to go."

"You know what Lauren," She walks to the edge of the bed. "You want me to acknowledge that leaning in wasn't as bad as kissing her. Then you acknowledge that what I did wasn't as bad as sleeping with someone."

"What? No."

"You want to play with semantics then it's only fair it goes both ways. You ONLY leaned in, and I ONLY fed off of someone."

"You put your lips on theirs to do it, and it wasn't just some random person. You didn't need to feed, not to mention even if you did this isn't the old days Bo. You know how to feed without touching someone, let alone shoving your tongue down their throat."

"First of all my tongue was in my own mouth. Secondly I did need to feed." She scowls. "And you know how to cope with hurt without LEANING IN."

"Then I guess we're right back where we started."

"And that would be?"

"You were wrong. I was wrong. We've moved on from it."

"The party line." She scoffs coldly.

"These issues we're having now Bo, they aren't about what happened ten years ago. I am over it, whether you kissed him or just fed. It doesn't matter because it didn't mean anything. It doesn't matter because we're stronger than it."

"You weren't saying that then."

"I get jealous too Bo, you're my wife. I don't want to share you with anyone."

"And you think I want to share you?"

"No." I shake my head, eyes dropping to the bed. "You know I spent some time with Kate today."

"You want an award?"

"I told her about-my issue. I talked to her about the case—I—"

"I really don't need a play by play."

"Just listen to me Bo, I'm trying to tell you something." I take a breath. "I don't have feelings for her anymore. I didn't know why she was on my mind lately, and I still don't because it's not that. I'm with her and I'm thinking about you-when I'm not cutting into a dead body that is." I make a face at myself, words not coming out how I intended.

"Just-take a shower, you need to leave soon." Nodding, she turns her back to me and walks out without so much as a momentary hesitation.

I run my hands through my hair watching the door close behind her.

I can't breathe, I can't think.

Shutting out the building agitation, the tightness in my chest I start toward the bathroom. Turning right back around I walk back to the desk, the idea of a shower far from inviting. I start toward the door to tell her to get off of her high horse-then I remember the kids are downstairs. I end up sitting at the desk, head in my hands as I try and control my breathing.

Just focus Lauren.

Distract yourself.

Sighing, I lean back in the seat looking for something to do. I left my phone and laptop in the car—brilliant. My eyes fall on the desk drawer. Pulling it open with a huff, I grab my diary and pen. Flipping the pages I fill in the date and then stare at the blank page.

Emily said this would help, something to keep my thoughts focused.

Focus.

I stare at the page, and stare-and stare. Every second passing my agitation only growing. I find myself grabbing the book and tossing it clear across the room. I watch it hit the wall and fall to the floor. Tears building in the corners of my eyes.

What is wrong with me?


.

.

11:21 p.m.

"Hey," I whisper, hand on her shoulder as I lean down. "I'm heading in."

"W—what?" She asks through a yawn, her eyes coming to an open. She looks over at the passed out children. Then over at the television before looking back to me. "It's time?"

"Yeah, I just didn't want to leave without telling you."

"Okay." She yawns again, giving me a little nod.

"Goodnight Bo."

"Lauren." She lets out just as I reach the door. Turning around I see her pushing herself up from the chair and 'jogging' over to me. "Let me drive you."

"You don't have to."

"You don't want me to?" She looks over, stopping just as she's slipped on one shoe.

"I didn't say that, I was just trying to give you an out."

"Lets go." She nods toward the door.

The walk to the car along with twenty-five minutes of the ride silent. Only the sound of the light rain beating down atop the car to keep my attention.

"Are you going to check on her?"

"Who?" I ask stupidly, looking over at her. "Oh, no. I wasn't going to."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes Bo, I'm sure."

"Okay."

"Tomorrow night I'm going to take a shot."

"Why?" She looks over at me as we pull up to the entrance.

"Because we need to have a discussion. We need to have a real one that doesn't involve us having to run off to work or to a cage."

"We've talked."

"We used to talk and get somewhere. Right now, we're just going around in circles."

"Isn't that all we ever do?" She looks over at me, eyes narrow.

"You know Bo," I look away, pushing open my door. Stepping out, I turn around and lean down slightly so she can see my face. "You're keeping secrets too. At least I came clean with mine." I slam the door and walk toward the building.

I punch in my key code, the irony that it's mine and hers anniversary making me smirk to myself. Walking down the long hall already pulling off my shirt, kicking my shoes as I go.

Who cares about a neat pile at this point? I sure as hell don't.

Pants being the last to go, I glance back at the trail of clothes and shrug to myself. I pull the door shut with a loud thud, walking over to my 'favorite' spot. Instead of sitting though I just lay down and stare up at the ceiling.

This is life now.