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CHAPTER SEVEN.
"Lauren?" I could hear my name being called but I couldn't reply. I was frozen to the spot, staring at Sofia as the heart monitor beeped continuously. I was scared — petrified about Sofia dying.
"Toby, take Lauren to the staff room." I could hear the beating of the montior grow quieter and quieter as I was lead out of Resus and towards the staff room. The next thing I remember is been given a cup of tea and Toby telling me to drink it as it would make me feel better.
I don't remember drinking it exactly but I must have because I was staring at the bottom of the cup.
"What's wrong?" Toby asked and I made eye contact with him,
"I freaked out, that's all." I answered back and placed the mug down on the table, "That's the first time I've ever seen a child in Cardiac arrest." It was a plausible excuse for now and I knew Toby would buy it for now.
"I — uh — I best get back."
I nodded slowly, "Toby? Tell me how she is won't you?"
He said he would and left the staff room, leaving the door ajar behind him. I tucked my knees under my chin and stared into space. I was disturbed by Abs who'd slammed the door close, not realising there was anybody inside.
"Sorry." He apologised.
I smiled weakly, "It's okay." There was a silence between us before I stood up and took the mug off the coffee table. Walking towards the sink, I washed the cup out before placing it on the side. I walked back to the sofa and sat down.
"How's the man who was brought in? The one hit by a lorry." Abs asked as he closed his locker and lent against it.
"He died." I said gently. It still didn't click. Ethan was dead. Ethan wasn't coming home. Sofia would never see her father again. In a way, I wish I was the one to die. Sofia didn't need someone as horrible as me to be her mother, did she?
I stood up, left the staff room and walked to reception. I was about to take my handbag when Maggie called my name. I turned around and looked her in the eye, "How is Sofia?"
"She's stable, she's on five minute obs." I nodded, put my handbag over my shoulder and smiled a little,
"I'd best be going."
"Canteen, ten minutes?" Maggie asked, "I think we need to talk." She didn't give me chance to make up an excuse to get out of it. I knew she knew that I was Sofia's mother. That was one of the great things about Maggie.
She could put two and two together without you saying anything.
/
I sat in the canteen, a cup of coffee in front of me. I didn't really want to drink the coffee, it was simply habit to buy it. I took a sip and stared at the writing over the lid. I only looked up when I heard Maggie sit down opposite me.
"I know what you're going to say." I told her before she even had chance to speak, "So before you ask, yes. Sofia is my daughter."
There was a silence between us as I fiddled with the coffee cup, "I was twenty-one. I wasn't ready for a baby, all I wanted to do was get my degree in Medicine. I was so withdrawn from it but I thought once I held it, I'd love it."
"But I didn't. Once I held her, all I could think about was how much my life was going to change."
I stopped talking realising what I was doing. I couldn't possibly talk to her about it. For one she'd never understand and two, she'd hate me. However, the other part of me could no longer keep my secret quiet anymore.
"All she'd do every day was cry. I'd leave her crying, staring into space and losing all sense of reality." I necked the coffee in one and slammed the empty cup down on the table,
"I had Post-natal Depression yet I was too ashamed about asking for help. Instead, I left when Sofia was a month old. I left because I wanted to kill my only daughter."
"You were ill Lauren, you can't blame yourself."
"Can't I?" I answered back.
There was a silence between us before Maggie broke the silence by asking; "Does Charlie know?"
"No. You only know because you guessed."
"Don't you think he deserves to know?"
"Of course I do. I just — all he's ever wanted is for me to make him proud. This — this isn't going to make him proud is it? The fact I was twenty-one, I was pregnant, I kept it a secret and I lied."
"What are you going to do about Sofia?"
"Nothing." I began to fiddle with the coffee cup in my hand, "Emily's taking her to Ireland. She'll have a great life, she won't need me. She doesn't even know who I am."
"You're just going to let her go?"
I sighed, "Maggie, I'm twenty-four and a half years old. I can barely look after myself, let alone been able to look after Sofia. Her grandmother can provide all the things I can't. I'm doing this for her, can't you see that?"
"Lau—" She began but I cut her off, "Don't try talking me out of it, I've made up my mind."
I stood up, pushed my chair underneath the table and threw my coffee cup away. As I left the canteen and the hospital, I knew deep down I was doing the right thing for Sofia.
/
I slowly began to walk home although the place I wanted to go the most was the pub and get absolutely smashed. However, it had taken me a good couple of years to shake off my image of being a wild child so I decided not to go out and get drunk.
I reached the front door and put the key in, opened it and stepped into the house, "Dad? Louis?"
My father shouted that he was in the living room so I closed the door behind me and left my jacket and my handbag on the stairs. Taking off my shoes, I lined them up neatly by the door and walked into the living room.
"Where's Louis?" I asked as I sat on the seat nearest to him.
"Gone to a friend's house." There was a silence between us before he asked gently, "Why didn't you tell me?"
I looked at Charlie and I knew Maggie had said something. She just couldn't resist, "She had no right, it wasn't her place to tell you."
"She was only doing what she thought was best." I stood up from the chair and told him to tell her, I'd never tell her anything again. Perhaps I was behaving irrationally but I was hurt. I didn't want my father to know my secret because he'd be disappointed.
I could tell he was. I could see it in his eyes. And if he was disappointed, how an earth did my mother feel?
/
I left my bedroom by climbing down the drainpipe. It was so much easier than going downstairs and crossing paths with my father. No doubt we'd argue. I put my hands in my hoodied jumper and began to walk towards a familiar place.
I reached the cemetery where my mother was buried and sat in front of her grave, "I wish you were alive, you'd be able to tell me what to do next." I whispered gently as I began to tidy up the grave.
"I need your advice. I know that right now, you prob—" I paused and looked up at the sky as a raindrop hit me. I saw the sky was getting darker and it began to rain heavier, "You're making it rain because your upset with me, aren't you?"
I picked a daisy out of the ground, tore off its petals and stood up, "I'll come back when you've stopped being angry with me."
It wasn't long before I was soaked to the skin, my hair stuck to my forehead and I was shivering. I didn't want to go home but sadly I had no choice, there was nowhere else I could go.
/
jottings — if you do like it enough to favourite/alert, don't forget to leave a review. :3 usually excuses for the delay in updating, all my free time at the moment is been given to work doing overtime(n) oh, i've found the perfect song for Toby/Lauren. :3
