A Time to Break Down

Ginny had fallen asleep on her Potions notes. She'd spent every day except for the funeral pounding information into her overburdened brain. She now had renewed respect for Hermione.

Some of it wasn't too bad – Charms and Astronomy had always come to her fairly easily, and, thanks to Harry, she was pretty good at Defence. As for the rest, she intended to ask Neville for help with Herbology; and she rather thought that if she simply made herself learn enough recipes, she could scrape a pass in Potions. It was Transfiguration that was the trouble. Ginny had always loathed the subject, and would have dropped it after her fifth year if it weren't required to become a Healer. She had no idea how she would pass McGonagall's test, but knew she would have to find a way.

Ginny took a perverse pleasure in making herself learn things she hadn't the least interest in. There was no way she was returning to Hogwarts – that was the least she could do for Jules, difficult as it was to think of her friend. Their relationship, always a little fractious, had been even more so of late, and Jules' death so unbearably…futile, that it was probably a good thing Ginny had her study to distract her. Otherwise she might have spent all her time in bed or staring at old photos of Jules and Louise.

Her Hermione-like devotion to her school-work had, however, the unfortunate side-effect of exhausting her, so that she fell asleep, her head cushioned on 'One Thousand Magical Herbs and Fungi' at eleven o'clock on Christmas Eve.

It was the sound of the back door opening that wakened her. A blast of cold air hit her face as she opened her eyes, assuming Tonks had arrived at last, and anticipating a lovely long chat – yet another distraction.

But it wasn't Tonks. A large hand thumped her on the shoulder, and she heard a familiar voice say, "What's all this? Books out on Christmas Eve! That's just not right."

Sleepiness and all, Ginny couldn't help herself, hugging Ron with a squeal of joy that seemed to surprise him. Thankfully, Ron was, as her Mum put it, twice Ginny's size, and able to catch her with ease. They weren't in the habit of being particularly affectionate, but Ron hung on to her as long as she did to him. Perhaps he had missed her after all.

When Ginny finally let go of Ron, she saw two beaming faces behind him. Hermione looked remarkably cheerful, though Ginny rather thought she'd lost weight; she looked a little thin around the face. Harry however…Harry had turned into a man.

Ginny didn't know what it was exactly…and she couldn't spend too long looking, but there was definitely something. It wasn't that he was taller, though perhaps he was, but there was a kind of honed look to his face. Perhaps it wasn't right for him to look so completely, so absolutely adult, but Ginny had to admit – it was beyond sexy.

These thoughts ran through her head as she hugged Hermione. It was so good to see one of her friends, that Ginny couldn't help but grin when she turned to Harry.

For one long moment Ginny hesitated – she knew she wasn't supposed to touch him, wasn't supposed to be any where near him, and she knew the same thought was in his mind. But the moment came to an end, and Ginny said, "Sod it" and threw herself into his arms.

Ginny couldn't care about being sensible any more – she was tired and sad, and more than anything she wanted a hug from her 'not-quite-boyfriend.' Typically for Harry, even though he hadn't wanted her to touch him in the first place, he was extremely reluctant to let her go. Unable to resist, Ginny buried her face in his shoulder for a moment – he was so solid. Not dead, not injured, but solid and whole, and for this one moment she could hold him, and keep him that way. He was Harry, and Ginny couldn't imagine anything that would inspire so much joy as seeing him smile.

But she had to let go.

Once the first shock of reunion was over, they sat around the table, catching up on everything that had happened (Hermione, Ginny noted, was sitting on Ron's knee.) Nothing sad was mentioned, and Ron in particular kept her laughing for several minutes with his ridiculous stories.

Unable to keep from smiling, so glad to see them all alive and apparently healthy, Ginny told them all the gossip from Hogwarts – that Romilda Vane was going out with the captain of the Hufflepuff Quidditch team, and Dean now fancied Demelza. She saved the best for last, knowing how much it would cheer Hermione. "And…Neville's got a girlfriend."

Ron made a sound of glee. "Seriously!"

"Yeah," Ginny said, admitting after a moment, "Well, not actually. Susan kind of stares at him adoringly, and of course…Neville's a typical boy, he hasn't noticed anything."

Harry shifted in his seat, looking awkward, and realizing what she'd said, Ginny flushed and continued hurriedly, "Even her new interest in Herbology didn't strike him as odd."

Hermione smiled. "I like Susan."

"Yeah," Ginny said, chewing on her lower lip, "She's all right. She has great hair."

"I just can't believe Neville's finally got a girl."

"Shut it, Ron! Neville never gets any respect."

Harry smiled at her affectionately – the smile he seemed to keep only for her – and said, "How's Luna?"

"Oh," Ginny said, "She's…Luna. I think she's happier this year with the DA though."

Hermione looked surprised. "The DA is meeting again?"

"Yeah," Ginny said, "It wasn't my idea, but…they really wanted to. Kind of blackmailed me into it."

"What do you mean?" Harry said.

Ginny pointed at her chest sheepishly. "Guess who's the leader."

"Anything else you want to tell us?" Ron said.

"The Quidditch Captain too," Ginny said, staring into her lap, "But…I'm not very good at it."

She felt rather than saw a hand hovering over her shoulder – a moment later Hermione coughed and said, "I'm sure you're fine."

Ginny laughed. "I'm really not, but it doesn't really matter anymore anyway."

Harry looked suspicious and said, "Why?"

"Well," Ginny said warily, "I'm not going back."

Ron sat up sharply, "What!"

"I asked McGonagall for permission to join the Order, and she said yes…with conditions."

Ron was livid. "Are you out of your mind?"

"Not the last time I checked."

"You can't. Mum won't let you."

"McGonagall talked to her. It's all sorted – I just have to pass the exams."

""You're not…there's no way any of us, there's no way Mum's letting you go out there."

"Maybe she doesn't want me to go through what she did, Ron!"

Hermione twitched and said, "I'm sorry? Ginny, what…"

"Mum's brothers died in the first war…"

Ron slapped the table. "And you could too. You're not going, Ginny – there's no way we'll let you fight the bloody Death Eaters. You don't know what it's like."

"Let me!" she said outraged, "After the stuff you've done, you've a right nerve telling me to…and somehow or other, I've got a fairly good idea what mass-murdering psychopaths like to do to little girls, Ron."

"Ginny," he said pleadingly, "Can you just be sensible for one second – you can't do these things, not now…not without someone to protect you. You're still a kid."

"Oh, yeah…you're a fine one for protecting me after the fact."

"Ginny!" Hermione said, shocked at the venom in her tone.

"I'm sorry," she said, swallowing some of her anger, "But I'm still going."

"No," Harry said steadily, "You're not."

"What!"

"You're not going out to this war – they're murdering and cutting and slicing people, and you are not going out to that. You've got to stay alive." Harry's voice trembled.

She stood up, trying to control an urge to cry. "Harry, you know what? … You're not my boyfriend any more." He looked wounded, but it had to be said, "And I think we've established pretty clearly that you're not my brother, so don't you dare tell me what to do. I'm not waiting for another of my friends to die. If you had any idea what it's like – hearing Parkinson or Nott claim that one or all of you is dead every second day, and not knowing if it could be true – if you had any idea… I can't do it any more." Having said her piece, she moved to walk up the stairs.

Very slowly, Hermione said, "Ginny? What happened?"

Ginny slumped, and turned to sit on the bottom step of the stairs. Without looking at any of them, she said, "Jules is dead." She heard Hermione gasp, and knew that Ron was searching for something to say, and suddenly, she couldn't face it, couldn't face their sympathy, or their kindness…she could feel it welling up inside her, a dark and horrible loneliness, because Jules was gone.

Without a word, she turned and ran up the stairs, already feeling the tears streaming down her face. It was hard to concentrate on putting one foot in front of another, and rather than attempt to reach her room, Ginny locked herself in the bathroom. She curled up on the floor, which was cold, and sobbed until her legs started to cramp. She felt so alone.

Ron and Hermione – and Harry – were wonderful, but they weren't her friends like Jules and Louise had been. Jules and Louise had been with her all through her years at Hogwarts – she'd done all the stupid things teenage girls do, with them, and while Hermione was the big sister she'd never had, Jules and Louise were her best friends, and…she just…she couldn't stand it without them…she didn't feel whole. They knew so much about her, and now…all of that knowledge was gone, disappeared as though it had never been.

Louise would never patch up an argument between Ginny and Jules again, and Jules would never complain about Harry not being a real boy, and it was just so hard…

When she finally opened the door Hermione was waiting for her.

"Are you all right?" She asked, wincing a moment later at the pointlessness of the question.

Ginny looked at the floor. "I'm so tired, Hermione." And suddenly the blasted tears were falling yet again, and Hermione had put an arm around her.

A moment late, Ginny was sitting on the side of the bath, and Hermione was dabbing at her face with a sponge. "What happened to her?" she said.

Ginny sniffed. "It was during the attack on King's Cross… Neville told me he saw her, in the distance – he was fighting the Death Eaters – and she was just hiding, trying to keep her head down, but then… He says he saw someone try to attack her sister – you know her older sister was a Squib – and that made Jules stand up to try and defend her, and she just got…clipped. It wasn't even meant for her, it was just a stupid accident – not that it matters."

Hermione looked as if she herself might cry, but she only said, "You should go to bed, Ginny. You're exhausted."

When Ginny didn't move, Hermione pulled on her arm and said, "Come on – you'll feel better in the morning, I promise."

Ginny sighed. "Mum wants me to take a Sleeping Draught."

Hermione looked at her sympathetically. "Bad dreams?"

Ginny shook her head. "No dreams at all – not much sleep either. I just keep thinking…we'd been fighting Hermione, I mean…all year, Jules and I, we'd been sniping at each other, and now…"

"I'm sorry," Hermione said, "I can't even imagine…Have you heard anything at all about Louise?"

"Well," Ginny said, feeling momentarily cheered, "Apparently, she can wake up." Hermione brightened, "If the Death Eater that cast the curse dies or decides to undo it, so…"

"Right," Hermione said, "You're not holding your breath then?"

"No," Ginny said, "But you're right – I should go to bed."

And with that she pushed herself off the bath and said goodnight. It only took a moment or two for her to put on her pyjamas and climb in to bed, and a part of her was extraordinarily grateful to be alone. And yet, as she had predicted, it was difficult, essentially impossible, to fall asleep.

Something kept nagging at her – a loose tooth at the back of her mind – and she must have tossed and turned for the better part of an hour, trying to think of it, trying not to think of it, counting hippogriffs and reciting Transfiguration formulas to herself (her one sure-fire method of falling asleep) before it came to her.

When she finally remembered, Ginny shot out of her bed as though she'd just seen a Lethifold. She was in such a rush to get down to the kitchen that she almost tripped as she ran down the stairs, and her heart was racing as she stumbled over the final step.

"Harry! Harry!" They weren't in the kitchen, and Ginny almost moaned with frustration before running on through to the sitting room. Hermione was fast asleep on the sofa, while Harry and Ron were playing a game of chess on the floor beside the Christmas tree. Harry had obviously heard her calling him, for he was struggling to get up, his long legs tangled in the rug.

"What is it, Ginny?" he said.

"It's…it's…" she was panting so much she could barely put a sentence together, which, ludicrously, was causing Harry and Ron a great deal of anxiety.

"What's wrong?" Ron said, brandishing his wand.

Harry put his hand on her elbow, trying to calm her down, and said, "Did you see something?"

Still trying to catch her breath, Ginny shook her head, and Ron said irritably, "Spit it out."

"Sorry…I…" Ginny took a long deep breath, and finally managed to say, "I've a message for you, Harry."

Ron snorted. "That's all – come on Ginny. I thought we were about to be killed or something."

"Shut up Ron! It's important…at least," she said remembering what the message actually was, "I think it's important."

"Well," Harry said, "What is it then?"

She felt nonsensical, having to actually say the words out loud, but she lifted her chin, and said, "The barman of the Hogs Head told me to tell you that he has the locket. With everything…I forgot, but he said to tell you."

She'd half-expected them to laugh, or stare at her blankly, but instead, they looked electrified. Ron was actually grinning, and Harry looked happier then she'd seen him since…the day of their first kiss. Ron immediately bent to waken Hermione, and Harry said, "Thanks Ginny – that's…that's great, that's really great."

"It's important?"

Harry grinned and said, "Yeah…it's…I can't even…Ron, we have to go, now."

"I know, I know," Ron said, waving a hand dismissively, "Just give me a second to wake her up, all right."

And after that, he ignored Harry, gently coaxing Hermione awake and whispering to her until she seemed ready to get up. Hermione looked to be extremely tired, and it was almost…sweet to see Ron being so considerate.

Clearly Ginny was going to have to ask her friend a few questions once they were alone, but for now she had other concerns. Flipping her hair over her shoulder she glared at Harry and said, "You're leaving?"

He looked at her absently, "Yeah…hopefully it won't take too long. Maybe a day – we'll see."

"Harry!"

He looked at her again; this time she actually had his full attention. "What's the matter?"

"You only just arrived…we haven't seen you in months. Can't it…wait a day or two?"

Harry's lip curled and he said, "I didn't think you'd care."

It was the single worst thing Harry had ever said to her – worse even than forgetting she'd been possessed – and Ginny had to take an actual step away from him. Part of her wanted to Hex him, and would have, if her wand hadn't been in her bedroom, and the other part felt physically winded by his speech, as though Harry had knocked her off her broom.

He must have been sorry, for his face softened, and he said, "Look, I know…you don't know how important this is, Ginny."

"You're right Harry – I don't. So maybe, since I'm the one who told you in the first place, you could actually explain what this is all about."

He shook his head, his jaw clenched so tight that Ginny worried he would hurt himself, and said, "I'm sorry."

Inwardly, Ginny thought that was a line that was getting old, but for the moment she sat down on the sofa, trying not to snap at him. Everything about her current situation was so frustrating, but…snarling at Harry wasn't going to change any of that. For now at least, she had to be content with staying behind, waiting for him to return, however much it curdled her blood.

She rather had a feeling she was going to start crying again – and for that reason, when Hermione said, "Are you okay, Ginny?" she merely nodded her head numbly.

None of them seemed to believe this, and Harry made a sudden, involuntary movement, as though he wanted to touch her, but caught himself and said, "We should be back in the morning – early probably."

And with that, they were gone. Ginny curled up on the sofa, covered herself with a spare blanket and cried herself to sleep.


It was still dark when Ginny felt a hand on her shoulder. It seemed to take an extremely long time for her to wake up, and when she did, she saw Harry gazing down at her. "Come on," he said, "You'll freeze down here."

Ginny, still three-quarters asleep, said, "You came back."

Harry shook his head at her, "Of course I did."

Ginny sat up a little, and Harry's expression changed. "Why were you crying?"

"I…It doesn't matter."

A look of contrition spread over his handsome features, and he started to say, "Ginny look…"

But Ginny, unable to help herself, yawned, and Harry closed his mouth with a snap. A moment later, he'd picked her up in his arms – an action that Ginny might once have protested against as excessively chivalrous and ridiculous, but now she could only curl up against his shoulder. He smelt good, and the stubble on his chin grazed her softer skin deliciously, and Ginny enjoyed the sensations of it so much that she scarcely heard him say, "Hermione's already gone up."

By the time they reached her room, Ginny was nearly asleep, and she almost didn't notice Harry putting her back into bed, or the ghost of a kiss against her brow. Almost.