Real

Rating: T

Dear Peeta,

I don't know why I am writing you this letter, when in fact Dr. Aurelius encouraged me to write my mother. I should be writing her instead, but right now it doesn't matter as much.

I'm writing to apologize, though. I'm sorry I left. I'm so, so sorry I left and didn't say goodbye. Would it have mattered, though? Would you have finally stopped staring blankly out your front window and turned to me— would you have seen me and actually spoken to me? You hadn't done so in so long, Peeta. I came by every day and sat with you in the front room, noticing the hollowness of your cheeks and the confusing blankness in your eyes.

It was so difficult, Peeta, to see you like that— it was hard to see you suffer, to realize how broken you were, too. It surprised me, actually, when I realized that I wanted to help you. I needed to help you. I wanted us to heal together and eventually realize that our broken edges fit with each other's—

But you were silent, ignored me, and it hurt. Sometimes I would lie in bed, wanting you by my side, wanting you to turn to in the night when the nightmares struck. You weren't there, of course; you were never there.

I remember the only time you had actually spoken to me since you came back to District 12. Haymitch and I had met you at the train station, do you remember? Your curls were cleanly cut; you weren't so gaunt anymore; your skin was a beautiful assembly of broken fragments. We'd smiled at you; Haymitch wasn't even drunk.

And I remember standing at the station, eagerly looking for the train, waiting for you to come home so I wouldn't feel so helpless and lost in grief anymore, because I knew I could rely on you; I could always rely on you.

The doctor had told us you were doing better, finally cleared to return, and Haymitch and I had worked hard to clean up your house. It helped, I think, to focus on something other than the falling parachutes, screaming and burning and Prim

You stepped of the train, your eyes shining differently than what they had in the Capitol, and what they used to, but I didn't think it mattered. But you just looked at Haymitch and I blandly, your lips a straight line, and you said so flatly, "It's just us, then."

My smile faded and Haymitch frowned, and he explained people were still trickling in from District 13. You clutched your single bag tightly in one hand, and we slowly, silently, made our way to Victor's Village. I carefully looked at only you and you carefully looked at everything but me.

When we got to your porch Haymitch left us, looking between us almost guiltily, and we stood outside your house for endless moments. Finally you looked up at me, your blue eyes glinting unfamiliarly, and you murmured my name. I grinned back, relieved, but you stepped away from me, still looking at me oddly.

"I don't want to be here," you murmured, "everyone that cared about me is gone. Dr. Aurelius says it isn't healthy to think like that, to want to be with them, but it's hard. You need to understand that, Katniss. It's so difficult for me to keep going, and I'm so tired. I loved you, I loved you so much and it was never enough— I love you so much now, but it's different, it's easier to carry… I love you, but I'm not in love with you. I need you to understand this— what I'm going through has truly nothing to do with you, not anymore. Maybe it could have, maybe I would have needed you, but I'm so alone, you see? I'm alone and you can't make it better, Katniss. You won't stop it from hurting, you see, and I'm sorry things between us changed, but it's better now, I think… yes, it's better…"

Your voice stayed at a gentle murmur, your words badly stung my heart. When I came by the next week you were staring out the window, and you haven't spoken to me since.

You must understand why I left, Peeta. I loved you, I'm in love with you, I'm sorry I realized it too late, I am so horribly alone and you can make it better but you refuse to let me help you first. So that is why I left. I need to heal, properly, and Haymitch told me the only way to do so is to leave. He wants to help you, too, but you need to let him. You need to let people help you, Peeta. Please.

Write back soon, please, Peeta. I need your reply.

I'm in District 2, now, as Dr. Aurelius wishes for me to confront the problems I've scurried from. He managed to get me cleared to stay in District 2 on the accounts of me being a patient that is in need of his observance. I told him about you, and he only looked at me briefly before calmly telling me he's handling the situation. I hope to hear an update from you, then, about how your "situation" is.

I want to come home, I want to come back to District 12. I'm supposed to see Gale tomorrow, to reconnect with him, and then in two days a welcoming event will be put on for me. I don't want to face the next few days alone, without you by my side, but I must.

I must if I wish to get better, to heal, and despite how much it hurts that you're not here I must keep going…

I love you, Peeta; I'm so sorry I never said. You once told me you would stay with me always; do not abandon me now. Do not forget, and promise me you will heal. Promise me.

Love,

Katniss


A/N: So… it's been a while, yeah. Review, please! And leave any comments/questions/thoughts… which I guess counts as a review... So…yeah… I'm exhausted. Ahh… I think this chapter's a bit stilted, awkward, maybe filled with errors? Let me know your thoughts! Please stick with me, I know it's practically been buckets of angst but I realllly needed to get this idea out. I've got plans for AC! :)

DISCLAIMER: I do not own THG, no profit is made, just borrowing the characters for Like Crazy, Alius Casus, and Weak. Unsure of what else to say...