It couldn't be…it couldn't be the same comics he had hidden under his pillow! It just couldn't be. Harry quickly closed the paper shut and flung it across the room, much to the surprise of Remus who suddenly found himself hit on the back of the head by a flying paper. Harry gasped as Remus turned around, a bemused look on his face.
'Erm…sorry Remus…you erm…you had like a…a spider…fly…beetle thing on…your head…yeah…right on your head…' Harry trailed off as Remus grinned.
'Well Harry, thank you for getting rid of the spider-fly-beetle-thing in the most effective way possible, a newspaper to the back of the head…genius! Don't know why muggles ever invented bug sprays.' He chuckled as he folded his papers and rose from the desk chair.
'Erm…you're welcome?' Harry, said, his stomach in knots as he watched Remus retrieve the dreaded paper and place it on the desk. Oh Merlin…oh bloody Merlin! This would happen to him…the one thing he ever stole…the ONE thing would end up being some sort of valuable comic.
He tried to calm his nerves as he followed Remus into the kitchen…it might be some other comics, the ones he stole were all piled up, they didn't seem special! If they were that valuable then they would be in a special cases or something!
Yet somewhere in the pit of Harry's stomach was a feeling of dread, he knew…he just knew that the comics he'd stolen were the one's being searched for by the ministry.
Harry sat in silence at the kitchen table, twirling eggs round his plate with his fork.
'Really Sirius…they aren't that bad…we can avoid the black bits…and that bit of shell I swallowed…I only choked for ten seconds…fifteen tops!' Remus struggled to hold back his chuckles as he tried in vain to convince Sirius his cooking wasn't completely inedible.
'Oh who are you trying to kid Remmy! I warned you not to make me cook…there was a reason for that, other than pure laziness!' Sirius answered, flicking a piece of egg at Remus.
'Try to set some sort of example Sirius please!' Remus scolded, his eyes sparkling with mirth.
'Oh right yeah…Harry we don't throw food at the table…but flicking it…well that's completely different!' He grinned cheekily at Remus as another forkful of eggs hit the werewolf in the face.
'Only when the food is completely inedible!' Remus countered, before both men fell silent, finally noticing their very silent Godson staring into space, slowly moving food around his plate.
'Hey kiddo…' Sirius removed the fork from the oblivious boys' hand. 'I think those eggs need a rest…they must be getting kinda tired…all that twirling round and round their doin.'
Harry looked up startled, as he noticed he was no longer holding his fork.
'Oh…erm Sirius…you erm…you have my fork…' He stuttered, the knots in his stomach becoming tighter as he looked at his Godfathers concerned face.
'You ok kiddo?' Sirius questioned, feeling the boys forehead. 'You don't feel hot…but your face looks all flushed…dyou reckon we should get a healer Mooney?'
Sirius turned his head to Remus, staring worriedly at his best friend, waiting for confirmation.
'I don't know …Harry how do you feel?' Both men turned their gazes towards the stunned boy, who was staring at them in horror.
Harry was in a mess, he could hear distant conversation going on around him but all he could concentrate on was this sense of panic. He hadn't even read the article and yet he knew it was the comics he had stolen.
He could be arrested! Sirius and Remus were going to find out…they'd hate him…he'd be kicked out of Hogwarts…he'd have nowhere to go. He'd be back to the Dursley's as quick as you could say quiditch…that's if he didn't go to Azkaban! Oh god the dementors! He couldn't stand it!
And even if he didn't go to Azkaban he'd be kicked out of Hogwarts for sure…they kicked him out when Dobby did magic at the Dursleys they'd definitely expel him for stealing valuable comics!
He could see black spots in front of his eyes as he struggled to breathe, his breath coming in short bursts, he was vaguely aware of people frantically calling his name before everything went black…
Remus watched as his best friend paced frantically around the living room, glancing occasionally at the sleeping boy on the couch. Sirius had been pacing like that ever since the healer had left; Harry had suffered from some sort of anxiety attack, causing his magic to flare up defensively. Which was why the boy was now sleeping it off on the sofa.
They didn't know what had caused the panic attack, they couldn't until Harry woke up, and even then the healer had warned them he might not want to talk about it. Remus thought himself quite a good reader of people but he had no idea what could have caused Harry to have a panic attack. It was worrying him certainly, but it was driving Sirius crazy.
'Mooney…' Remus turned to his best friend once more, as he stared at his Godson, eyes brimming with unshed tears. 'What did I do…?'
Sirius looked lost; it was times like these that Remus was reminded of just how fragile his best friend was. He shook his head sadly.
'Nothing Siri…everything was fine…you're doing great, it's a big shock for Harry, living with us…he's probably just overwhelmed.'
Remus watched as this registered with Sirius, watched as his blue eyes finally met Remus' amber ones.
'I'm scared…' It was said in a whisper, as if Sirius was scared of saying the words aloud. 'He's so fragile Mooney…he's just a child and he's already been through so much…what if I'm not what he needs?'
Remus stood up and strode across the room until he was eye to eye with his friend.
'Sirius Black…do not start this now! Harry needs you…he needs us … I am not going to let you stand there doubting your abilities or your place in his life, when you know full well you didn't let me doubt mine! You said it yourself…he's a child Sirius…a teenager really, there are going to be many more dramas to come we can be certain of it! Don't you dare doubt your place in his life! In the past two days Harry has been a completely different boy, I taught him last year remember…and trust me his eyes didn't light up that way then, and his smile was a lot less frequent. It's early days Sirius…but we're doing fine…you need to have more faith in yourself…in us!'
Sirius nodded his head slowly…Remus was right…he was being selfish, but seeing Harry gasping for breath, not responding to them had been terrifying. It was just a panic attack, but what about the future…if he was anything like James there was going to be a lot more injuries and scares. If he couldn't handle a panic attack how could he handle anything else?
Because he had too…that was why. He loved Harry…loved him more than he would ever love anyone. Harry would always come first…he had to get a grip.
'Thanks Rem…I do have faith in us…I just panicked I guess…Harry and I seem to have that in common.' He laughed softly…signalling to Remus that he was ok now…he'd get through it.
'I know and I panic too, but we need to be calm for him. I know its hard Padfoot; you have all this pent up grief that you never got chance to release. But Harry having a panic attack is not like losing James Siri….he's not dying.'
Sirius turned away quickly, swiping at his eyes with his arm.
'This isn't about that…we're talking about Harry.'
'It is Sirius and you know it is…you're going to have to talk about it at some point…he's gone Siri…have you even cried yet? You need to grieve.' Remus laid a hand on his friends shoulder only to have it shrugged off; although he could not see Sirius' face he knew he was getting angry.
'I had thirteen years to grieve Remus! I've done it all! I'm done! I had thirteen years of sadness! Thirteen miserable years…I've grieved Remus…so just let it go because this isn't about James!'
'Thirteen years of dementors, sucking away your soul! Taking away any good memory you have! That's not grieving! Reliving your sorrow over and over isn't grieving Sirius!
James and Lilly are dead! He was like your brother, you two had this bond that I don't know anyone else to have…and yet you don't really talk about him…you don't mention him! You don't even cry over him…so don't tell me you've grieved Sirius because you can't even bring yourself to remember!'
Sirius growled low in his throat before punching the wall in anger…his knuckles cracking as he hissed in pain. Remus made a move towards his friend.
'No! … Don't! I can't grieve for him Remus! I can't do it! Once I start I won't be able to stop…because he's…he's gone…and…I'm angry at him Rem! I'm angry at him for leaving us! For leaving Harry! For listening to me! For not trusting his own instinct with choosing me as secret keeper! He never listened to me Remus! Never! Why did he pick that one time to trust my judgement! And it just…it makes me so angry! And I don't want to be angry at him Mooney, he's dead…you shouldn't be angry at the dead…but I am…I am… and there's nothing I can do about it!'
Remus pulled his friend into a hug, ignoring the protests; he hugged the limp body to him until he felt some response. As Sirius' arms tentavely wrapped around him and his whole body began to shake. He ignored the tears staining his shirt, as well as the ones cascading down his own face as he comforted and whispered to his friend.
'You're allowed to be angry Siri…it's what keeps him alive…James wasn't perfect and just because he's dead doesn't mean we have to remember him like that. We remember him as he was…the real James…and if he would have survived we would have felt angry that he'd had to fight alone…so you're allowed to feel angry that he's dead Sirius.'
'I just…I need him Remmy…I need him here…and he's not…and I can't think about it because it just…it just hurts too much…sometimes I just can't comprehend it…I've had thirteen years without him…and Lilly…and I just couldn't remember the good stuff…I wasn't allowed to…and now I am and it's making me miss him even more…how are we supposed to live without him Mooney? How are we expected to?'
Sirius' voice was muffled but Remus could hear every word, and it broke his heart. This was good…it was what he wanted…for Sirius to grieve…as he'd had too…it was healthy…but James had been Sirius' family…they'd all been family. But unlike the others who had their real family to love as well. Sirius didn't have that, he just had them…his friends and to lose 3 of them, including Peter, in a tragic night that he blamed himself for was just too much for Sirius to handle alone.
So Remus guided them over to the couch…and he hugged him and patted his back. And when he'd calmed down they talked…about James, about Peter, about Lilly, and about that night. They talked until they saw the sun rising from the window, until both men fell asleep. Contented smiles on their faces.
They weren't completely healed…but they were on the way.
A/N- I can only apologise! Soooo much for the long wait! It's not even a great chapter! But it was bugging me that there were issues that needed dealing with. I like characters to seem real! I wanted to make this chapter really long for you all but I just felt it needed to end there.
Next we shall find out more about the comics…and how will Harry explain his panic attack!
Any constructive criticism is appreciated!
