Be Still

Chapter 7

Location: The Arling of Amaranthine


Hoisted by his own petard. Bloody hell.

Despite breaking her heart once, Warden Commander Solana Amell had taken Anders in, given him his freedom and a purpose; more importantly, he was treated with dignity and respect. All he had to do was what he loved best: healing the injured and sick (and cast the occasional lightning bolt) to his heart's content. Shouldn't that be enough for him?

But no, he had to go ahead and fall head-over-heels in love (for real this time) with her, pining after her like a lovesick goat. However, she'd already moved on, found someone else. The mere thought of that elf touching her made him sick to his stomach. Solana would never allow him another chance or let him apologize. He might as well have tried to touch the moon. Jealousy and frustration had driven him to avoid her, to the point where he began neglecting his duties as a Grey Warden. And she'd chewed his ass out for it. He wasn't sure which was worse, the fact that she was right or the pitying looks that Oghren and Nathaniel were currently shooting at him.

"What are you waiting for, Sparklefingers? Go talk to her!" Oghren exclaimed, interrupting his reverie. "You gotta mount the bronto while it's hot!"

"I think you mean strike while the iron is hot, dwarf." Nathaniel replied in amusement (he was always happy for a chance to correct Oghren).

Anders ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "Andraste's tits, what am I supposed to say?"

"Grovel, kiss her ass, do something. When a woman walks away from you like that, you always follow after her!" Oghren rumbled enthusiastically.

"I can't believe I'm considering advice from you, of all people," Anders mumbled.

"Can't help it if I have a way with the ladies," Oghren said with a laugh, then gave Anders an encouraging shove that nearly sent him sprawling to the ground. "Besides, I've had lots of practice with Felsi getting mad at me all the time."

"Out of the frying pan and into the fire," Anders muttered as he exited the warehouse. However, he did take comfort in the fact that she'd finally mentioned something of her personal feelings about what had happened between them. Sighing, he tightened his grip on his staff and broke into an easy jog back towards the Inn. As he was about to round the final corner, he caught sight of Solana walking with Zevran, who had his arm draped around her shoulders.

"It is amusing to listen to you defend a mage who broke your heart and continues to defy your commands," Zevran was saying.

"You are incorrigible," Solana retorted, swatting at him affectionately.

Zevran suddenly whirled and stepped protectively in front of Solana, keeping his daggers within easy reach. "It appears we have company, my dear Warden," Zevran said silkily, glaring at Anders with ill-concealed animosity.

She glanced at Anders warily. "What's wrong?"

"I need to speak with you." Anders cleared his throat. "In private," he added meaningfully.

"Do you not think that perhaps your Commander has had a full and eventful day without more pointless prattle?" The rogue asked sardonically.

Solana placed her hand on Zevran's arm. "It's all right. Just give us a moment, please?"

Zevran nodded, his expression opaque. "Your wish," he replied, and dutifully moved a respectable distance away.

When Zevran had left and they were finally alone, Solana crossed her arms and looked at Anders expectantly. "All right. What did you need to speak about?"

"I-not here." He took her arm and led her into a building's recessed doorway, which afforded them a modicum of privacy. "Did you mean what you said back there?"

She arched an eyebrow. "I say many things."

"Back at the warehouse, you said you cared about me," he asked in exasperation. "Is that true?"

He stared at her intently; searching her face for any sign of emotion, but her eyes remained calm and expressionless, like that of a china porcelain doll.

"I care about the welfare of everyone I am responsible for," she responded with grave dignity. "Now was there anything else you wished to discuss?"

For some reason, the fact that her hands were always clasped together so neatly really pissed him off.

"You really are the damned Ice Queen," he muttered, referring to the moniker bestowed upon her by her fellow mages back at the Tower. He took grim satisfaction in watching her eyes flash briefly with temper. "I'm not blind! I know you still have feelings for me. Yet you keep me in this damned cage where you kill me with kindness, but you won't let me make amends! I ache for you, Solana. Tell me what I have to do to break through this damned aloofness of yours!"

"Don't mistake gratitude for affection," she replied coolly.

Infuriated by her lack of response, he grasped her shoulders and dragged her against his muscled body; using all of his considerable skill to kiss and caress her until she gasped in pleasure. "I'm sorry I hurt you. No, don't push me away," he murmured into her ear as he pressed kisses to her face and traced the outline of her ear with his tongue.

"Don't." Her eyes had become damp with tears, but she firmly removed herself from his embrace. "Stay where you are," she commanded breathlessly.

He stared at her, baffled. "Why?"

She shook her head. "There's a rational explanation for this," she said tightly. "Your life has been changing faster than you can manage. You're angry and scared, but fall in love with me and suddenly things don't seem so bad." She crossed her arms defensively, as if that would ward her from harm. "It's not fair to use my heart like this, and you know it. So please stop."

Because what she said contained at least a grain of truth, his temper flared. "This is about that Antivan, isn't it? He tries to kill you and you spread your legs for him, but you won't let me apologize! Un-fucking-believable!" He regretted his words the instant they flew out of his mouth.

She slapped him hard, her eyes angry. "This is exactly what I'm talking about, Anders!" She took a calming breath, but her fists remained clenched. "It's not good for me, for you, or for the Order. So knock it off!"

He moved forward to take her into his arms again. "I'm sorry-"

"My dear Warden, I do believe you have kept me waiting long enough," a new voice interrupted them. It was Zevran.

Solana grasped the rogue's arm as if he were a lifeline, and surreptitiously wiped at her eyes. "Yes, I believe I have. My apologies. Let us be off, then."

Zevran's eyes were hard as he sized Anders up, but Solana pulled at him impatiently, and they were gone.


Anders had spent the rest of the night in some nameless dive, nursing the same pint of bitter and staring moodily at the wall. Solana had shown him nothing but mercy and kindness, patiently rescuing him from the endless scrapes he seemed to get himself into. And how had he repaid her? By raging at her, then practically forcing his attentions upon her. Oh yes, and he'd called her a whore too. Way to go, Anders.

The slightly sympathetic barkeep finally kicked him out at six bells, and he'd stumbled back to his room at the Crown & Lion Inn to try and get some sleep. He'd dropped his gear on the floor, and fallen face first into the bed. After a few minutes of self-indulgent moaning, he'd barely managed to heave his legs onto the bed when there was a loud knock at his door. The door banged open and Oghren sauntered in. "Move your ass, Sparkles," he said gruffly. "Commander says we need to get a move on."

Anders grunted and tried to ignore the dwarf by burrowing his face further into the pillow.

"At least you're already dressed," Oghren added brightly. "Commander says I can't leave until you do, so up and at 'em!"

"I'll be there in a minute," Anders grumbled.

Rubbing at his eyes tiredly, Anders splashed water on his face and pulled his blond hair into its customary ponytail. He picked his staff and satchel, then headed to Solana's room (with Oghren following behind). Solana had already begun speaking to everyone who had already gathered.

"The Dark Wolf has stated that there are some Banns who are plotting against us are meeting at a nearby farm hold. We need to intercept them; I'd like to capture and interrogate them, but I have the feeling they won't go quietly. Any questions?" When no one spoke up, Solana nodded briskly. "Let's be off, then."

After a short march, the Wardens reached their destination. They were quickly spotted and immediately set upon by the conspirators, but the treacherous nobles proved to be no match for the Wardens.

Afterwards, Anders suddenly felt dizzy, and shook his head to try and clear it.

"Incoming darkspawn!" Solana shouted. "Stay vigilant!" Not a moment later, a large group of darkspawn suddenly appeared, and immediately began attacking them.

Oghren, Zevran and Solana immediately charged into the fray, while Nathaniel rained arrows the enemy. Anders stayed in the rear (having learned his lesson), and while he shot the occasional arcane bolt, mostly stood ready to heal his party members. The fighting was intense and furious; and ensuing waves of darkspawn forced the Wardens to spread out. Anders found himself having to run back and forth between different locations to keep everyone sufficiently healed.

He suddenly noticed that Solana had become isolated from everyone else while battling a large group of darkspawn. Most of the enemy lay dead around her, but it was obvious she'd been wounded and was quickly tiring. She'd need help.

A massive roar heralded the sudden presence of an ogre, who immediately fixated on Solana. Breathing heavily, she quickly transformed into a bear and charged the ogre head-on, knocking him over. She immediately attacked the ogre again, but the ogre quickly got up, grabbed her and hefted her against a wall with a sickening thud. She transformed back into human form, and tried to get up, only to collapse again.

The ogre then lumbered towards Solana, presumably to finish her off. Anders quickly cast a healing spell upon Solana, followed by a rejuvenating spell, in the hopes that it would revive her, but no such luck. Everyone else was too far away or occupied to step in to help.

Anders knew he had to act quickly. He could unleash a high amount of magical damage, but he couldn't be sure if it would finish the ogre off quickly. And with no one else to divert the ogre's attention away from Anders, he ran the risk of becoming a permanent blood stain in the dirt. Yet he could stand still no longer.

"Nathaniel! Oghren!" he yelled. "Get over here!"

Summoning a massive lightning charge, he loosed it at the ogre, which struck the ogre's chest dead center. The ogre howled in pain, but he continued to hurl damaging magical spells at it. With its attention now fully on Anders, the maddened ogre lowered his head then charged him, goring him in the process. The wickedly curved horns ripped through his robe, rending flesh and muscle, and opening a huge tear across his midsection. Anders felt a sickening tug as its horn hooked under one of his ribs, lifting him off his feet and shaking him back and forth like a dog worrying at a bone. It finally lifted Anders bodily and threw him to land in a crumpled heap.

"Anders!" Solana had somehow gotten back up and began attacking the ogre again. By now, Oghren and Nathaniel had spotted the ogre and circled around to finish it off, so Solana ran to Anders' side.

He lay curled on the ground like a broken doll, deathly white.

Anders gasped in pain as her fingers touched him. "I guess I should've moved out of the way sooner," he gritted out.

"You foolish mage," Solana muttered as she applied firm pressure to the wound and cast a healing spell. "I'm going to make sure you get well, and then I'm going to kill you myself."

The goring had been savage. He knew he was going into shock, and was losing blood quickly. There was a high probability he wouldn't make it through. If the blood loss didn't kill him, infection surely would. A great and heavy darkness began pressing upon him from all sides. He tried to tell her how he felt, to apologize for his hurtful words, but his mouth wouldn't work properly. Perhaps he deserved this fate; he wasn't worthy of her.

His last thoughts were of her dark chocolate brown eyes, peering at him in furrowed concentration and he gratefully welcomed the dark oblivion that enveloped him.


A/N: Thanks to g and b, my awesome betas! Especially b, who took a massively retarded chapter and helped to shape it into something better. You seriously are the best, my dear!

Thank you to everyone who has read, favorited and alerted this story! I appreciate feedback and reviews (especially from Shakespira, jugalettePENNER, serenbach and Zoe Whiteraven: thanks for hanging in there with me) it keeps me motivated to continue writing, seriously.

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