I don't own Mass Effect or the characters within it, I'm just borrowing them for a bit. No, you can't get that in writing... oh wait...
Sorrow
Time wasn't passing nearly as fast as he wanted it to, but at the same time it was passing far too quickly.
Commander Shepard was sitting at his desk in his quarters. Having given up on trying to concentrate on the various reports about the status of the Normandy's supplies, he was now thinking about what to say to Tali when she arrived.
He was at a loss for what to tell her. Until she got here and they once and for all got out in the open where they stood regarding their feelings, he couldn't even prepare what to say.
Did she feel the same way about him as he did about her? Why was she acting so sad when he went so see her? Was it because she knew he felt something more for her, but didn't feel the same way about him and didn't know how tell him? Was it because of the rumors regarding Liara and him? So many questions, and no answers until she got here, and no way to prepare.
His main priority was to make sure that their friendship didn't suffer. Regardless of any other outcome of their talk, that was the most important thing of all. He valued her friendship more than anything, and losing that was not an option. Everything else was secondary. Now he just had to make sure they actually got through their talk without losing it all...
–
Each step that brought Tali closer to Shepard's quarters was harder to take than the one before. Maybe, when she got there, Shepard would finally confirm the rumors about him and Liara, and the hopeless infatuation Tali had for him could end. If nothing else, that would make it easier for her than the alternative...
It was a complex feeling. When she was around Shepard she felt happier than anything, his company a true joy that made her heart race and her face flush. After the rumor with Liara had hit though, the realization that it could never work out between them had struck, and that she was just deluding herself thinking otherwise. If they didn't straighten things out once and for all, she would only be alternating between those two feelings until it tore her apart.
She finally reached the Captain's quarters, a sense of foreboding coming over her as she stared at the doors standing between her and the object of her affections, and her troubles. For some reason the simple doors seemed huge and oppressive to her now, and it took all of her willpower to reach out and hit the signal button.
After a few seconds the doors parted and revealed Shepard standing in front of her, apprehension clearly visible on his face. Their eyes locked for a few moments, neither of them finding any words to say to the other. After a few seconds, he gestured inside the room behind him with his arm.
"Come on in."
His voice was much more subdued than normal, making him almost seem like a different person. He was almost as different from his normal self now as he was when he was commanding a ground mission, but in the opposite direction. He was uncharacteristically meek, almost spiritless. He was probably dreading this talk as much as she was.
He walked slowly back into the room, and after a few seconds Tali managed to muster the willpower to follow him inside. The doors slid shut behind her with a quiet hissing sound. Shepard walked over to a set of chairs next to a small table in the center of the room, stopped next to one of them and then gestured at the other.
"Please, have a seat."
Tali hesitated a bit. A part of her wanted to run away and avoid having to go through with this, which made sitting down feel like being trapped inside the room. She looked at the chair for a few seconds, then gingerly sat down in it. She put her hands on her knees and stared at the floor, steeling herself for what was coming.
Shepard sat down in the other chair, leaning forwards with his arms resting on his legs, staring at the floor as well. For almost a full minute the two of them sat there in complete silence. Eventually Shepard broke the silence, but kept his eyes on the floor.
"I... heard something strange today while talking with the crew, I have no idea how it got started, but apparently there's a rumor going around the ship about... me and Liara, having... something going on..."
Tali kept staring at the floor in silence. She was getting increasingly tense as the moment of truth approached, clutching her knees with her hands.
"I just... wanted to say that it's not what it sounds like. I mean, it's nothing at all, I have no idea why people think there is, but really there's nothing at all going on between me and Liara. I guess the crew took me not shunning her as a sign of... well, the extreme opposite going on, I guess."
Shepard looked up at her now, but she made no signs of moving or saying anything. He turned his eyes back on the floor.
"Anyway, I... just wanted to let you know..."
Tali had thought that hearing him discount the rumor would make her relieved, but instead it had the opposite effect. If he had confirmed the rumor that him and Liara were... together, it would have been the easy way out of this mess. Painful maybe, but at least it would be over quickly and she could have begun to move on. Now, that wasn't going to happen. Still, this was only half of what she came her for. She spoke for the first time, but kept her eyes on the floor.
"But you didn't call me here just to discount a rumor going around though, did you?"
Her voice was shaking a little a bit. She wanted Shepard to be the one to start the conversation about them. If they both really did feel the same way about each other, one of them would have to take the initiative, but she wanted it to be him just so she wouldn't have to say more than she had to. While she knew it wasn't so, she still held on to a tiny hope that it was a one-sided crush on her part that she could end once and for all. It would be less painful for both of them that way...
"No... I didn't."
His hands were tightened into fists now, lightly knocking them into each other. Getting the words out were harder than he had imagined. If he didn't tread carefully, it could ruin everything.
"I... wasn't planning on bringing this up, actually. Not until we had stopped Saren, at least. But with the whole rumor thing going on, I... well..."
He took a deep breath, and let out a big sigh.
"I wanted to tell you that... I care about you. A great deal. I'm not sure where it all began, but I found myself having feelings for you that... I can't call just friendship. Not anymore."
As he finished his sentence, Tali felt herself tearing up. A small part of her was incredibly happy that he felt the same about her as she did about him, but it was overshadowed by the reality of their situation. This wasn't a relationship that could work.
Before she could say anything, Shepard continued.
"I guess I should ask you how you feel about... this. Me. Maybe it's just one-sided, and I've made everything awkward between us and ruined our friendship with this... I don't know..."
He looked up at her. Tali hadn't moved at all since she sat down with him, and she was still looking at the floor. Shepard had said what he wanted to, what had been on his mind lately. It was her turn now.
"Shepard... I don't... I don't think we should take this any further."
Her voice was shaking even more now. Keeping herself from crying was taking all the willpower she had. Even if they couldn't be together, his friendship was very important to her, it was all she could have, and if she lost that too...
"It's not that I don't care about you... I mean, of course I care about you, as a friend, and as..."
She realized that she was just skirting the issue now. Shepard had told her his feelings, and even if they couldn't be together, she should let him know how she felt about him. She owed him that much, at least. Shepard was looking at her, but she couldn't meet his eyes, instead focusing on the floor so that she wouldn't lose what little courage she had left.
"It's just... I can't be what you want me to be... what I want to be... It doesn't work that way for quarians... we can't just... we're not able to do what other races do... when it comes to love..."
Tears were starting to form in her eyes now, but her voice didn't change.
"Shepard, you... deserve to be happy. I can't do that for you... As much as I would like to, I... I can't even show you my face whenever you want to... or kiss you... even holding your hand without the damned suit being in the way is too much!"
She sobbed once, before continuing.
"... and even if we were to ignore all that... I couldn't live with myself knowing that I was keeping you from finding someone you could be truly happy with. There are billions of women in the galaxy who can make you happier than I can... I can't just pretend that none of that matters... "
Tears were running down her cheeks now. Having to put her thoughts into words had hurt much more than she had expected. She looked up at him, and saw him staring at the floor with a serious expression on his face. He kept his head low as he spoke.
"But quarians who are together have to face that every day, don't they?"
"Yes, but... we have no choice, Shepard. It is either that or death for us. When quarians want to get... intimate... we have to link our suit environments first. Even with another quarian such contact causes sickness, until we adapt... We can't change what we are now, we have to live with that... but you don't, Shepard... and... I will not make you have to go through a relationship like that when you can find someone who can make you much happier... than I can. I'm sorry..."
Shepard was still staring at the floor, his knuckles almost white from having clenched his fists for so long. He couldn't think of anything to tell her that could change her mind... he couldn't change what she was, and how she had to live with that. He cursed at himself inwardly for being so powerless.
"I see..."
It was all he could say.
Tali stood up, her knees barely able to support her. She felt utterly miserable now, but told herself that the hardest part of it was over. She knew that was a lie.
"I'm sorry, Shepard... for putting you through this..."
"You have nothing to be sorry about..."
She turned around and walked towards the door. She didn't know what to do next. She could head down to engineering, but in her current state of mind she would most likely do more harm than good. Then again, where else could she go? It was a small ship, and while she was used to small and crowded ships on the Flotilla, she had never felt this enclosed and surrounded by people before as she did now, when she most wanted to be alone for a while.
She reached out to hit the button besides the door when two arms embraced her from behind. She felt Shepard's chest against her back as he hugged her, his head leaning in a bit against hers. She raised her hands and grabbed his arms as if to pry them off, but let them rest there instead.
"Don't I have a say in this, Tali?"
His voice was gentle, but firm. While her suit blocked most of the sensation, she could vaguely feel his heartbeat against her back, a slow and steady rhythm. It was almost as if his heart was trying to reach hers, to calm it down and give it hope.
"Shepard, I can't..."
"Tali," he interrupted, "I know. I know that I can't see your face whenever I might feel like it. I know that I can't just go up to you and touch your hand directly, or your face, or kiss you. I know all that. Even so... that doesn't change the fact that I love you, and not one of those billions of other women in the galaxy."
He hugged her a bit tighter now, his heartbeat becoming stronger against her back.
"I know that your suit keeps you alive, that taking it off is an incredible risk for you that you can't do lightly. But this isn't about that, is it? I don't blame you if you're scared of being hurt, of what will happen if you take off your helmet, or your suit... but if you're going to say that we can't be together... I want to know that you're doing it for your own sake, Tali, for your own safety... and not because you think that I can't love you the way you are. Because you think that loving you is a burden on me, that you can't make me happy or that I will be miserable. If you're going to leave, I want to know that you're doing it for your own sake, your own safety... and not for mine. Tell me."
She hung her head, tears still running down her cheeks. She could just lie to him, tell him that she was scared of being hurt, of becoming sick or dying if they got too close and she decided to take her chances... She could do that and he would be forced to let her go, and wouldn't have to be burdened with a love he could hardly ever see or touch... She could do that for his sake... It would be for the best...
"Tali... I can't just turn away and pretend I never had these feelings for you. They aren't going to vanish even if I wanted them to... and I don't want them to. I can't say for sure that it will work out... but I would rather find out for myself than spend the rest of my life regretting that I let you go, just because I was afraid of trying..."
She could still feel his heart against her back, talking to her just as his voice did. It was barely more than a whisper, but she could still make out his feelings through it.
This man loved her, a woman whose face he had never seen, who wasn't even the same species as him, who he would never be able to treat like a woman of his own kind. There were innumerable obstacles that stood in the way of him being able to be happy with her... but he didn't care. He refused to give up without trying. Just like he always did.... be it arresting an untouchable spectre, saving the galaxy from a multi-million year long repeating cycle of extinction... or loving a woman who for a dozen reasons he shouldn't be able to love...
"Shepard..."
She turned around inside his arms, and embraced him while crying against his chest. They hugged each other so tightly they could barely breathe. She could feel his heart beating even stronger now, right next to her own, almost like they were embracing as well, beating in unison.
She still didn't think it could work. How were they supposed to overcome everything about her that was in the way? But... they could try, right? She was being selfish, not letting him go, just for her own happiness... but wasn't it ok, for once, to be selfish and do something she wanted? Just once in her life, couldn't she do what she wanted to, and not what she should do?
Shepard's arms gently caressed her back, stroking it while she cried against him, letting out everything that had been weighing on her mind since realizing her feelings for him. Her hands were clutching the uniform on his back as she held on to him, supporting herself. They stood there like that for several minutes, just holding each other.
Eventually Tali's crying slowed down, reduced to sniffles while she clutched his back and pressed her head against his chest. He was still stroking her back, and while the environmental suit was blocking some of the feeling, he was pressing down just hard enough that even it couldn't deny her the sensation. The suit was her prison, what denied her everything she wanted, but it also kept her alive. Where she and everyone else saw an insurmountable obstacle, Shepard saw a challenge to be overcome.
She stood there in silence now, just holding him, feeling his heartbeat against hers. It was the most wonderful feeling she had ever known.
"Feeling better now?" he said, his gentle eyes looking into hers as she gazed up at him.
He was smiling now, a lovely smile that he only ever showed her. His eyes were a bit red, but he had deftly disposed of any tears before she could see them. She guessed he didn't want others, even her, to see just how sensitive he could be.
"I don't think I have ever felt better..."
She bonked his chest lightly with her helmet to tease him, before resting her head against his chest again.
"You're such a stubborn man, you know. Why can't you just fall for someone that you can love without all the hassle?"
"I can't help it. I only like women with three-fingered hands"
She looked up at his face again, a mischievous smile on his lips.
"Krogan women have three fingers too you know, you could try them" she joked.
"Maybe if I could tell them apart from the males, I would... and besides, the affectionate headbutting means I would have to wear a helmet, and then we're back where we started."
She laughed a little at that, even if it was a bit improper all things considered. Maybe she was just relieving stress, now that it felt like a great burden had finally been lifted from her shoulders.
"Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?" he said, holding her face with one hand as she looked up at him in surprise.
Half joking, she said "and just how would you know that?".
His expression, while gentle, had turned a bit more serious.
"The suit and the helmet... they can't hide the person you are underneath. The person you... are. Even a blind man couldn't help noticing. You are the most selfless, self-sacrificing person I have ever met in a galaxy full of people who often only look out for themselves, not caring about even their own kind... how anyone can live the way you and your people do and still always manage to think about others before yourself even when you don't have to... I can't even begin to imagine..."
He moved his hand from her face, took her hand and intertwined his fingers with hers.
"Even after narrowly escaping death from the assassins, you still volunteered to help me despite the danger to yourself. You might not think it's much, but if you look at how few people we are out here, doing this... how little help we're getting... it makes one appreciate the kind of person it takes to do what you did."
He leaned his forehead against her visor, looking into her eyes.
"It's just one of the many reasons why I love you..."
Tali's face was blushing now. Being showered with praise wasn't something the young quarian woman was used to, especially from someone not even of her own kind. Seeing his face so close to hers made her heart beat faster. So close, and yet... and yet...
She thought about it for a bit. She could do it. It was risky, but... Sooner or later, she wouldn't be able to keep herself from doing it, so why not now? But... worst case scenario, she would die from a fatal infection. Best case scenario... well, she would still get an infection, but it would be relatively mild. The most likely outcome was probably somewhere in between... if she did it now, she would just have to hope that it was closer to the mild side of the scale...
After all, this was a space ship, and while it wasn't sterile by any means, everyone coming in and out went through decontamination, so it wasn't as if there was a ravaging planet ecosystem of infections flying around inside. Plus, this was the Captain's quarters. It saw less traffic than the rest of the vessel. It was as safe a place as any would be on the Normandy... If she was going to do it, it might as well be now... for all she knew, she might never get the chance again. Wasn't that worth taking a risk for?
She took a step away from Shepard, looking down on the floor. He didn't move after her, but stood there watching her with a puzzled look in his eyes.
"Is... something wrong, Tali?"
She didn't answer him, but looked up at him again. She loved this man so much... the thought of never getting to feel his skin against hers, even if only a hand or his face... it was almost unbearable now. She remembered what he had told her earlier, ' I would rather find out for myself than spend the rest of my life regretting...'. If something happened to either of them, if she never got the chance...
She slowly raised her hands towards the underside of her helmet, reaching for the release mechanism. Shepard's eyes widened as he realized what Tali was doing.
"Tali, WAIT!"
He stretched his arm out towards her, but didn't reach her before she had activated the visor's lock. With a slight hiss as the pressure difference equalized, her visor came off. She slowly lowered the hand holding it, revealing her face to another person for the first time in her life since getting a suit... showing it to the man she loved more than anything in the galaxy.
Shepard had reached her and was now holding both her shoulders in his hands, a worried frown on his face as he looked at hers for the first time, apparently too preoccupied being worried for her to actually take notice of it at first.
"You silly girl, why would you do something so dangerous..."
His voice trailed off, and they both stood in silence as he looked at her face, his worried frown still slightly visible on his face. She wondered what he thought of her, now that he could see her properly for the first time. She didn't know if he had ever tried picturing what her face looked like, and if so whether it could stand up to his expectations.
He finally smiled at her with a mix of relief and resignation, before gingerly placing his hand against her cheek, feeling her skin for the first time, as she felt his.
"You're hopeless.... you know that?"
He still smiled at her, before slowly leaning in towards her. She leaned in as well to meet him halfway, their lips gently touching in a soft kiss. With their eyes closed, they stood there for a long time, embracing each other. Shepard's hand was gently stroking her cheek as they kissed, wiping away a tear with his thumb.
The sensation of his lips was unlike anything she had felt before. She had seen it in vids a few times and always wondered what it was like, but never thought she would ever get the chance to experience it herself, least of all with a human. It was rapture, standing there, holding him, feeling his lips on hers. Everything they had gone through up until now, all the sorrow and anguish she had felt as she agonized over her impossible love... everything was washing away with each kiss.
After several more minutes, they finally parted, still embracing while looking at each other. His eyes, full of love for her, was gazing directly into hers, no visor to distort it anymore.
"You know, you'll regret that in the morning" he said, looking at her with a calm, loving smile.
"I very much doubt I will regret anything" she replied, smiling back, the sweetest thing Shepard had ever laid his eyes on.
"Well... I'm going to be sick anyway... so we might as well just keep going a little bit longer..."
"You really are hopeless" he said smiling, before leaning in again in another soft, sweet kiss.
Well, that's that chapter over with. Thank god it ended well (because I wasn't sure it would myself).
I've never written a fanfic before, never written any romance before, and barely even read any, so excuse the lack of originality. I'll just have to practice that on Shepard and Tali I guess, unless they both die tragically at the start of the next chapter (just kidding). Hopefully it wasn't too mushy for anyone. Tried mixing it up a bit so that it wasn't just pure mush, but I won't know for sure until I get the chapter at a bit of a distance in a few days and can read it myself with a more critical eye.
This chapter was heavily revised a few times, so while I'm proofreading it before I post it, some weird sentences and grammar might have popped up here and there where I brutally cut/pasted/cut again stuff. Feel free to point them out if you find them.
Also, I haven't commented on this previously since I thought it was a bit early in the story, but thanks to everyone who have posted their feedback. It's nice to see that people are enjoying something I've made (even if the source material isn't mine), and thanks to the silent followers who enjoy the fanfic even if they aren't reviewing. Seeing all those favorite stories e-mails is a nice affirmation that I've done at least something right with this fic, although most of the credit should go to Shepard and Tali for being such an adorable, if sometimes awkward couple. I guess Tali being what she is, it turns fics about her into a sort of a "love conquers all" affair. Not that I mind that, it's my favourite kind.
Anyway, thanks for all the kind words, I hope you enjoyed this chapter as well. Not too much though, or it'll only make it harder making new chapters that can stand up to this one.
