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- (June 6, 2013) -

Callie POV

I was never a morning person, but today my eyes opened early. I got out of bed went to the window and looked out; the day seemed a little gray. The sky was dark with threats of rain. I opened the window and a blast of wind broke in, the cold breeze it made me shiver. I closed my eyes, lost in my thought, before I remembered that in a few days it would be a year since the death of my wife and daughter.

I took a minute and breathed deeply, preparing myself for the day ahead of me, attempting to cope with things, as I've always done.

It's been almost a year since I've had to continue my life without them and, by now, some things have changed.

All of the feelings and thoughts are still in me, somehow, but now I have better control over it.

I've learned to move forward with what happened, I still have bad days, but it's nothing like before. The pain and sadness will always be there, rooted deep in my heart, under the skin, but I can smile from day to day and I know I can keep walking.

. . .

It's been almost three months since I started working again and my sessions with Dr Potter, and as I leave his office, my smile is unable to disappear from my face. I'm ready to get back to the operating room now and I have the letter to prove it. This doesn't mean that I'm done with him, I have still a long way, but this is a big step that motivates me and allows me to see the road ahead, finally, with hope and enthusiasm.

Since deciding to go back to work, I recovered an important part of my life when I thought there was nothing more for me. Gradually I was opening myself again to share with the people I had walked away and with some new people too.

Today was a good day.

My thoughts went to Arizona. She has been fundamental to this stage.

I left with an enthusiasm that I haven't felt in a long time and all I wanted to do was to find her. I went straight to her floor and asked for her, only to be told that she was resting in the on-call rooms, and when I found her, she was asleep. I walked silently. She seemed so peaceful that I didn't want to wake her. I sat on the sofa close to her and I got lost in my thoughts as I watched her.

- Callie? - I listen to her distant voice. - Calliope? - I didn't realise she'd woken up.

- Mmmm? - It was all that came out, and when she sat up in bed and I blink my eyes rapidly as if I was awakening from a dream.

- What happened? What are you doing here? - She gets up and stands in front of me.

I try to focus my mind and when I finally got out of the trance, I smiled. I stood and hugged her. We had a close friendship and a hug was not uncommon, but I felt her curiosity peak when she pulled away slightly and looked at me.

- Not that I mind, but... Why the sudden attack? - She had a dimpled smile on her face as she gestured to my arms around her.

- Should I have some reason to hug you? - I looked at her, my brow furrowed, as I feigned offense.

- No, of course not... but I know something's up... tell me what it is. - I smile.

- How do you know me so well? - I smile again; it's just so easy with her. - The truth is, yes, something happened and I wanted you to be the first person to know.

- I knew it! What is it? Tell me, tell me! - She moves her hands impatiently.

- I have my authorization. – I'm sure my smile doesn't fit in my face anymore. - Dr. Pott... – I'm interrupted when Arizona pulls me in tightly. We stay like that for a moment and she speaks into my shoulder.

- I am so happy for you... – Her hug is so comforting. - I know how much it means to you and how hard you've worked to achieve it. Congratulations, I'm so excited.

- Thanks... - I separate myself a little to look into her eyes. - Thank you for wanting to be part of my life when I was a complete mess... - I smiled. - Well, I'm still... - she shakes her head - but Thank you for being there... for supporting me... for helping me... - I look away as I start to feel a strange fluttering in my stomach and I don't know what it is. - Thanks for being my friend.

She brings her hand to my chin forcing me to lift up my gaze. Our eyes meet and she tilts her head slightly, as she speaks to me smiling.

- You don't have to thank me; it makes me happy be your friend. - She pauses and takes a deep breathe. - Meeting you and being a part of your life is the best thing that has happened to me in a long time. - She seems surprised at her own admission and I get the impression that she didn't mean to say that out loud. I eyed her curiously, there is something in her eyes that I don't recognise and I've never seen in her before. – I'm the one who needs to thank you for letting me in there... - She points to my heart. - We stay in a comfortable silence for a moment.

- So what do you say we go to celebrate after our shifts? - I ask, hoping she would agree - maybe Mark would come as well. - Why did I include mark when I wanted to be with her?

She looking away and tells me she can't. To say I'm disappointed would be an understatement, but I keep it to myself.

- Sorry, I'm meeting Melissa after my shift. If you had told me a few minutes ago earlier... - I didn't let she finish speaking.

- It's okay, don't worry about it! - I avoid her gaze - Mmmm... Well... I'll see you later. - All the enthusiasm I had earlier has suddenly left me and I'm left flailing.

- Hey! Wait! I'm really sorry... I know this is important... Let me call and I'll see... - I speak and try to sound convincing.

- Seriously, it's fine. You have plans and I do not want to ruin it. We can do this any other day... It doesn't matter, just go. -

- But... - She looks a little confused.

- Arizona... just have fun, I'll see you later. - I smile and I leave.

. . .

What just happened?

Why do I feel this way?

Am I sad?

Annoyed?

What's wrong with me?

I wanted to celebrate with her, but she has plans. And it's okay, she's dating Melissa, everything is very new, she has to do her part so that it can work well.

When Arizona told me she had been talking with Melissa and they would go out again, I was surprised. After their first date, I thought she'd never see her again. According to Arizona, it had all been fine, but she couldn't see it going anywhere with Melissa.

Besides, after that, we'd meet constantly, do stuff together almost everyday. It wasn't just Joe's, the hospital cafeteria or work stuff. Now, we hang out at our apartments, go out to dinner, shopping... everything that two friends can do...

That's why I didn't see coming.

Even though we'd joke that she wouldn't have many dates with all the time she spent with me. I wasn't complaining, I loved spending time with her, but as a good friend I should look after her interests and concerns. We were laughing about her crazy occurrences and how she would ever meet someone if all her time was spent on me.

Last week, after a few dates with Melissa, Arizona told me she'd slept with her. We talked about it, and she said she wanted to give it a chance. As her friend, I supported her, and made up my mind that we would spend less time together.

Today, for the first time, it felt strange for her to have plans without me, we spent so much time together than I'd gotten used to it.

That must have been what changed my mood.

. . .

Joe's with Mark and Lexie was not what I had in mind, but he was my friend and I'm grateful for his company. We were in the middle of a conversation when I saw Arizona come in with a woman who I'm assuming is Melissa. They sat at a table away from us, so she didn't see me and that was something that I was really grateful for.

I should have left, but for some reason, I couldn't find it in me to leave. Occasionally I'd subtly glance towards her and see that she looked so relaxed. After a while, I lost sight of her at her table and found her dancing with Melissa and I immediately regretted my decision to stay.

They were dancing very sensually, Melissa had her hands on Arizona's hips and they moved very well together. Arizona was really close to her neck and her eyes were closed. I wondered how it would feel to be there with her... but I banished the thought as soon as it appeared, it was foolish thought to have crossed my mind.

- Is everything alright? - Mark asked as he looks toward where I was looking. - They look good together, right? - He looks at me, and I know there are questions on his mind. - You okay? -

- What? Yeah... I'm okay... I just I need to go to the bathroom. - I get up to go and risk another glance on my way, right at that moment she opens her eyes and my footsteps stop involuntarily as we stare at each other. She looks surprised and I leave as fast as I can.

I could finally breathe when arrived to the bathroom. I cool my face and I stood in front of the mirror with my hands resting on the sink. I saw my necklace through the mirror, and I gripped it tightly. I closed my eyes, I felt as if I had done something wrong and wanted to mourn. My head was so confused. I didn't understand what was going on with me.

The sound of the door opening startled me. I opened my eyes and I saw Arizona's reflection in the mirror. The silence surrounds us while she sets her sight on hand clutching my necklace.

- I did not expect to see you here, I didn't see you when I came in. - She lifted her gaze to my eyes. - I saw you while I was dancing and... - She shakes her head. - I'm sorry for not celebrating with you, I wanted to cancel but you... - She wants to give me explanations that she didn't need to and I didn't allow her to continue.

For the first time, I think we felt uncomfortable with each other. - It's okay, you had plans with your girl and that's fine... It doesn't matter, I was with Mark and Lexie. - Despite what it I said, there's something bothering me. - I was just leaving, actually... See you later. - I give her a half smile through the mirror and turn around to go out. She does not move and when I walk by her side, she takes my hand to stop me. I stop and watch our hands entwined together, my other hand never leaving my necklace.

- Calliope... - silence - I... - More silence, she looks at the hand holding my necklace and closes her eyes. - I'm very happy for you... - For a moment I thought I'd say something different. I look at her, nod my head and I squeeze my lips. I'm trying to control the emotions that are scattered inside me, without really knowing why there's so much mess in my head. I feel her thumb moving over my hand ever so gently... my heart beats fast and it seems to be afraid... I don't know why but my need to escape overpowers me.

- I know... - I don't know what's wrong, and I feel like crying, but I restrain myself - Now get back out there, because she's waiting for you. - I tell her honestly, despite the sadness that's threatening to escape.

- You... - She thinks about what she wants to say. - Do you still you love her? Honestly? - Her eyes are holding back some tears. - I... I'm sorry, I didn't want...

- Yes... - I take a deep breath and I raise my gaze from our hands. - I have to go, I'm getting tired now... - I go out with an endless number of confusing emotions.

Once I return to our table, I hastily gathered my things and left the bar. I just wanted to get to my bed and sleep. I don't know what was going on with me, I was upset and sad at the same time, and I missed Laura.

. . .

Arizona POV

Today Calliope was happy and I love it seeing her like that. When I woke up and I saw her watching me lost in her thoughts, I felt a flutter in my heart. And when she smiled at me and hugged me suddenly, I was pleasantly surprised, I knew nothing bad had happened, but I was curious. Then I understood her enthusiasm, she could return to the operating room.

She wanted to celebrate and I ruined the moment. I had plans with Melissa.

Dammit! I just should have gone with Callie, what did it matter if I cancelled?

I went out with Melissa, as a reaction to my confused feelings with Callie. Feelings that I didn't fully understand, but I knew where it was going. I began to see beyond my friendship with her and that was not possible. I tried to avoid it, but it wasn't working, so I thought it would good idea to go out with someone else.

I spent a lot of time with Callie and that was something I loved, but it was increasingly difficult keep at bay what I was beginning to feel for her. Thus Melissa it was a distraction, a way not to think about her. Besides, I was afraid that she'd walk away from me and I couldn't bear that thought. I wanted her in my life and our friendship came first.

I know it was unfair go out with Melissa for those reasons, but I would try my best to make it work. She was an attractive woman and that helped. I didn't intend sleep with her at that night, it just happened. I thought that sex it would be a good way to clear my head, as it had done so before, but I'm not sure that it worked anymore. It wasn't bad, but, like everything from a long ago... something was missing.

When I told Callie, I did it to weigh up her reaction. She seemed surprised that I'd gone out with Melissa again, but seemed fine with it. And that was my reason to move on, although I dreamed of her saying something to give me hope, it wasn't like that. I knew we'd never have anything more than just friendship. And I could live with that... probably.

. . .

Melissa arrived to pick me up the hospital and we went to Joe's. With a thousand things on my mind, we arrived and ordered something to drink. However much I tried to concentrate, my head was scattered. Even so, I showed the greatest interest possible.

I didn't notice when we went to dance. I just felt her hands on my hips, pulling me little by little toward her and I didn't deny the invitation. I closed my eyes, trying to enjoy the sensations, I forced myself to enjoy the moment. I was moving in sync with her, I needed a connection, I wanted get carried away ... but nothing.

It was when I opened my eyes, and unexpectedly saw her. Our eyes locked in a moment that seemed eternal, I felt as if the seconds stopped. Our gaze was intense and a strange feeling caught me, I wanted to approach her and explain myself. But, why?

Then, Callie ran and I was left with an overwhelming feeling of guilt. Before I realized it, she was out of sight. What was that? Is she annoyed? Is there really a possibility of an 'us'? Or is it just in my head?

I excuse myself and I followed her to the bathroom. When I opened the door I saw her in front of mirror with her eyes closed and her hand on her chest. For a moment thought she had felt something when she saw me with Melissa.

She was startled when I spoke, she opened her eyes and saw me through the mirror, but her eyes looked sad.

- It's okay, you had plans with your girl and that's fine... It doesn't matter, I was with Mark and Lexie. - I felt uncomfortable for the first time with us. My girl? What? - I was just leaving, actually... See you later. - She gives me a half smile as she comes towards the door. I don't move, I say nothing. When she walks by my side, I reach for her hand and stop her.

- Calliope... – Silence. - I... - I didn't know I was going to say, but when I glanced at her hand on her chest, I realize that she was clinging to her necklace like a lifeline. I'm so stupid. I close my eyes hard... Laura is the problem, she's still in love with her. - I'm very happy for you... - She nods, controlling her emotions. She never dropped her necklace and her gaze is on our hands, I stroked her hand with my thumb and it felt so good that I couldn't stop.

- You... - Why do I want to ask something I already know the answer? - Do you still you love her? Honestly? - I want to cry. - I... I'm sorry, I didn't want...

- Yes... - what did I hope she would say? - I have to go, I'm getting tired now... - Then she leaves and I'm left standing in the same place for god knows how long.

Melissa, I had forgotten.

. . .

- (June 9, 2013) -

Callie POV

The time has spent and with it life has changed. Today, I know.

One year, is how much time that has elapsed. A year since the deepest pain I've ever experienced and I'm standing here, as I never thought I would be. With a bruised heart, but still beating. With wounds that haven't yet healed, but in which I'm working on.

A year in which I lost myself and I found myself again.

A year in which I haven't stopped loving and missing.

A year in which I've since changed.

A year that brought to me new things, things that still I can't explain.

. . .

Since I left the bar, I've been trying to avoid Arizona. I wanted to distance myself from her, because I want to understand what's happened to me. But I don't know if I can't or simply I don't want to understand. I've tried, but the possibilities that cross at my head aren't possible.

So I've been totally immersed in work these days and I've managed not to see her. The days have been a little rough as today's date approached. It's Sunday and I should be on-call, but I called Owen and he made some changes.

Walking always allowed me to clear my mind, I needed it, and so it was what I did.

. . .

It's inevitable that the memories would come to me.

Laura.

I remember touring the park... We'd sit and talk for hours... we enjoyed the simplest things.

I smiled.

I miss have her beside me, waking up with her, watching her sleep, making love to her, exploring her body, losing myself in her.

I miss feeling loved and being only one in the world for someone... that's how she made me feel.

How will I ever let you go, Laura?

I breathe deeply and Arizona appears in my mind

Why?

Is it the product of sadness, of loneliness?

Do I really have feelings for her?

Or is it just a moment of vulnerability?

After Laura, I immersed myself into different people, but I looking back and I regret it so much. I was not aware of anything, and every day, I lost a little more. I was walking through the numbness to forget and not feel, but nothing worked.

Today, I'm in another position, different from what it's been for so long, and yes ... I still remember, there is still sadness, there are still tears and it still hurts... but something has changed, even when I don't have the certainty of what it is.

I miss them, and it's something that will never change. The things can be more in calm with time, but I'm sure that this feeling will never disappear completely.

. . .

Emily.

My little girl never should have died so tragically. But they say that things happen for a reason and that's my consolation. However absurd it may seem, I want to believe that she was saved from the greatest pain yet.

What will become of them? They will be somewhere else together?

People talk so much about an afterlife, but is there really such a place?

I want to believe, in my heart, that there is... I want to believe that souls go somewhere and from there, they will always be with me. Because no matter what happens, they will always be part of my life and my heart.

Sometimes I look at the stars in the sky and I see so much light in the universe that I imagine they're there as a star and will always be watching over me. I want to keep that in me, I want to remember every minute of happiness that they gave me and leave behind the pain. I want to make this day, a day of light and never more about darkness.

It is not easy to deal with the pain, but I do not want that to tarnish my most beautiful memories, not anymore.

There are tears, there will always be.

The cold wind hits my face, the tears have dried, and my eyes are tired. My mind and my body are exhausted. It's time to return at home.

. . .

Arriving at my floor, the elevator doors open and I see Arizona sitting against the wall outside my apartment. I approached slowly and I stopped in front of her. Just looking at her was enough for the conflicting feelings return to me. I didn't need this today.

- Are you okay? I've called you all day and you didn't answer, I've sent you messages and nothing. I haven't seen you in days because you've been avoiding me, and you didn't show up for work today... what the hell happened to you?! – Her voice steadily rises, in anger or perhaps worry, I'm not sure anymore. - I've been so worried. I thought something happened to you... God, Callie! What's going on? - She stands up.

- Sorry, I left without my phone.

- And you were out all day? Where were you?

- Sorry Arizona - I walk toward the door with my head down. – Now's not a good time, I'm not really up to company ... I just want to be alone.

- What? You're just gonna leave me like that? - I entered and sat on the couch, leaving the door open for Arizona to follow and sit beside me. – You're not gonna tell me what's wrong? - Her voice is calmer now.

I snort, and drop my head back, closing my eyes. I return from my moment, I breathe deep, straightened up my back and rub my thighs anxiously before speaking.

- Today marks one year... – Silence. - I just needed to be calm... I wanted to walk to clear my mind and I didn't realize the time. - I say without looking at her, her attitude and the way she talked to me annoyed me slightly, but I know that she didn't know the importance of today because I'd never told her.

- Oh! - Silence and surprise. - Sorry... I didn't... I didn't mean to attack you like that... or speak to you like that... but ... it's just... I was so scared... -

- It's okay. – It's all I had to say.

A moment of silence enveloped us. Arizona seemed to be struggling with her fear of saying the wrong thing and I didn't know what to say after all the feelings I've had today. Arizona, struggling with herself, approached me and broke the silence.

- You're okay? - She says softly, she turns sideways on the couch and puts her hand on my thigh. - Can you look at me? Please?

I look at her eyes. - It's hard, but I feel calm... I still feel sad and I miss them so much... - I'm not able to say anything more and I feel like my eyes overflow with tears. I'm not sure what's affecting me the most right now, if my feelings are because of my loss, or if they're because of the confused feelings about Arizona. Maybe it's a mixture of the two, but it has become more difficult than it should be.

Arizona doesn't say anything; she just shuffles a little closer. With one hand still on my thigh, her other hand reaches behind me and hugs me. I lean forward and put my forehead on her shoulder looking down as she caresses my back gently.

I hold my breath, I feel as if I'm in the middle of a storm of feelings that's threatening to rip me apart and I don't want that to happen. Tears fall silently as I'm overpowered by the feeling of sadness and confusion. I don't want to feel this, not today, it's not right, But she's here, holding me... and it's not helping, at least not today.

I can't take my mind off her and feel her body against mine. God! This can't be happening to me. I lift my head slowly, my eyes are in front of her lips, and... I want to kiss her... I close my eyes tightly... she is my best friend, I repeat in my mind...

I feel horrible, but it's something I can't control. Laura, forgive me.

I open my eyes and I meet hers again. She takes my face between her hands, gently wiping my tears with her thumbs and I shudder. My tears do not stop, I feel guilty. She says nothing.

I tell myself that this is just an impulse, a reaction to my loneliness, it's because I miss the feeling of being loved. Arizona is by my side giving me support, and it's just confused me.

I miss the feeling of being touched and kissed... but not from anyone, from someone who makes me feel special, like I'm the only one that matters in this world... this is how it made me feel Laura.

I need to stop thinking.

- I think you should leave. I'm sorry, but I need to be alone. - I have to look away, I can't handle her eyes.

- Calliope, please ... let me be with you, beside you... I'm your friend.

I nod my head, that's... we're friends, I take a deep breath.

- Please ... - I can't deal with this now. - I know you're my friend and I appreciate it ... but right now, I just need to ... be alone ... please. - My voice comes out almost like a plea. - I'll be fine, I promise.

She gets up from the couch carefully and nods silently, she looks sad but says nothing more.

She gives me a soft kiss on the cheek and leaves.

As soon as she disappears before me, my hand goes to my cheek where her lips were a moment ago.

A kiss.

How long has it been since I've been kissed?

This was a simple kiss, innocent, affectionate of friends.

So why is my mind straying?

Then I become aware of what I'm thinking and I'm angry.

Why today?

I just...

My thoughts should be only for my wife and daughter.

The time has passed and with it life has changed.

Will we be able to accept some of those changes and take risks?

. . .