Chapter 7: Suicide Hell
Sam was angry. Angry at Dean for not hearing Amara out. Just because they've been to hell and got out, doesn't mean she couldn't. Sam knew there was more to this. It wasn't a black or white issue. What Dean experience wouldn't have been the same experience that Amara would have had. Just like his wasn't. Dean went to hell for a bargain for him. For Dean, his experience wouldn't be the same. For host of different reasons. Sam knew his experience was different. He had Lucifer and Michael playing ping ball with him. Amara went for a sin. A sin against God. Suicide. Her punishment would have been different and greater than that of his or Deans.
"Dean...that's enough!"
Dean glared at Sam. Slamming his chair up against the wall. Dean didn't say another word, but stomped into the kitchen. Picking up a beer bottle, he smashed it into the sink. It shattered into a million pieces. Dean just couldn't believe Amara. There was no way she was there. However, when Dean looked over to Amara, his heart sunk.
I'm I mad because I can't believe she was there? Or because of the real possibility I could have put her on the rack and tortured her?
Amara was at the point she didn't care what any of them thought. She was the one who went to hell. She was the one that was tortured. Slice and diced. Then Amara's thoughts came back to what Dean said. That they had been to hell, and made it back.
So why couldn't she? What made them so special? So different?
Amara turned around and began to walk out the door. If all they wanted to do is belittle her, she'll take on her challenges alone. Moving toward the door, Sam grabbed her arm.
"Wait a minute please!" Sam pleaded.
Sam turned to Dean as he said it. Dean just narrowed his eyes at him. Yanking her arm away from Sam, Amara sat back down. Pushing her chair flat against the wall with her arms fold. She didn't really want to leave. But she wasn't gonna take ether one's bullshit. If Sam wants to hear what she has to say. So be it. But she wasn't going to let Dean pick at her.
"Are you both done bristling up against the other?...It doesn't matter what you think right now Dean. Hear her out!" Sam appealed.
Dean looked at Sam then at Amara. Stepping out from behind the kitchen, Dean went and sat down on the other bed. Far enough from her and Sam. But close enough to hear. Dean didn't want to be anywhere near Amara right now, in the off-chance he didn't believe her. Dean didn't want to be held responsible for what he might do her. Glaring at Sam, Dean narrowed his eyebrows and motioned with his hand for Sam go on.
"Okay. (pulling Dean's chair from the wall, closer to her) Amara. (sitting down) You said that you were in hell. Why did you feel that you were?" Sam calmly questioned.
Looking deep into Sam's eyes; "The last thing I remembered...is when I jumped...falling. Then hitting the rocks. (taking deep breath) Then I was totally engulfed in blackness.(choking back tears) When I woke up I was in a room...on a table. I couldn't see anything...but this man standing over me...(tears pooling)...Smiling. The man or whatever it was, said that I was going to be his play toy for the rest of eternity. For I committed the worse sin by...(swallowing hard)...Taking my life."
Sam could see that Amara was having a hard time with explaining what happened to her. She was remorseful for taking her life. Sam could see the tears begin to swell in her eyes. Sam wanted to give her a moment, to let Amara get her composure. They all sat there, for a few minutes, in silence. Dean on the other hand couldn't take it anymore. He wanted her to finish.
"And?" Dean demanded.
Sam gave a look for Dean to stop it. However the damage was done. Sam could tell that hurt Amara. Hurt because of what she did to herself. Hurt because Dean was being a putz. Sam realized that this was probably the first time she ever told anyone.
Turning her head, Amara looked deep into Dean's eyes; "He ripped me apart...Is that what you want to hear! Piece, by piece. While I screamed. (shouting at Dean) over and over!...(tears running down.) The more I screamed the more he got off! (getting up) Every day it was something different. Cutting or slicing or carving! But it always ended the same. Me...screaming for...(stuttering)...for... forgiveness and him laughing as he just kept ripping and ripping me apart!"
Amara couldn't take it anymore. She hoped that was the answer Dean wanted. The room began to close in on her. Circling around her. All Amara wanted to do was get out of there. Away from them. She attempted to go to the bathroom. She makes it half way toward the kitchen and where Dean was sitting at. Amara began to shake. She couldn't hold herself up. The room in full swing. Her legs suddenly gives out. As Amara begins to go down, Dean jumped up and caught her before she hit the ground.
Twisting Amara around in his arms and picked her up. Dean looked down at her. The look in her eyes caught him off guard. Her golden brown eyes were wide, mournful and full of shame. It was shame Amara felt, that caused her to lose her composer. She stared to cry. Dean felt really bad. He didn't want this to happen. He truly thought she was lieing. Dean drew her close to him. Dean looked up at Sam, with a look as to what the hell did he do? Sam shook his head at him. When Dean looked back down at Amara, he suddenly realized what Sam had already realized. This was the first time Amara's spoke out loud about the suicide as well as hell.
Dean took Amara to the bed he was sitting at. Placing her down, he sat down next to her. Placing his arms around her while she cried. Holding her close. Dean also felt bad for being agitated with her and along with being an ass. He looked over to Sam and gave him a look of being sorry. Sam stood there and shook his head at his brother. He knew that Dean felt bad. That Dean knew that what he had done was wrong. He let his impatience get the best of him. Sam tried to stop him. But Dean wouldn't listen to him.
Amara gently pushed Dean away. The feelings that she was having overwhelmed her. Despair. Guilt. The feeling of not being forgiven. Along with a whole host of other feelings. Amara took her hands and placed her head in them. She didn't want to tell them anymore. They didn't believe her so why bother. Wiping away her tears away. Amara sat straight up. Folding her hands in her lap. Amara couldn't look at them. She was hurt. Instead, she let her eyes move to the floor. Not saying another word. To ether of them.
Sam didn't really wanted to press Amara anymore. He could see that she didn't want to talk about it or to them anymore. But there was more, Sam knew it. He had to try to put the missing pieces together. He had to get Amara to finish. To tell them how she got out. On top of that, Sam wanted to make sure what Bobby told him was right. Sam felt how she got out of hell, was key to dark mass. Moving across from Amara and Dean, Sam sat on the opposite bed. He took and placed Amara's hands into his holding them tight.
"I know this is hard. But I...we need to know more so we can help...okay.?"
Amara looked up at Sam. She could see the desperation in Sam's eyes. What ever they were looking for, she was part of all of it. Amara could feel it. If she was, Amara needed to know. Looking into Sam's hazel eyes Amara shook her head okay.
"How did you get out of hell?" Sam gently asked.
Taking a deep breath, Amara answered;
"It was just another day. I was strapped in to the rack. One of those...things...Demon...I believe, was slowly carving into me. Then this...(another deep breath)...I don't know...It wasn't a man but it wasn't one of those things. He was black, not his skin but what was its body. (looking down back to the floor) It told the...Demon to leave. When it did, this man? (questioning to herself) Placed his hand on my head."
Amara stopped for a moment. Remembering how terrorized she felt. Staring at the carpet, Amara was unsure if she could continue. It was already too much. However she didn't want to fight. Dean placed his arm around Amara. To reassure her it was okay. Sam squeezed her hands also. Amara looked up at him. Sam smiled at her.
Squeezing Sam back Amara continued;
"Everything...and I do mean everything came rushing back at me. (keeping her eyes on Sam) My whole life. Everything I ever done. Then...(squeezing Sam's hand harder)...then me jumping off the bridge, hitting the rocks. (Pulling her hands suddenly away) I don't know how to explain this."
Dean pulled Amara closer to him; "Do your best."
Amara turned and looked up at Dean. The anger he had was gone. It was replaced with empathy and a greater understanding of what she had went through. Amara could see somehow Dean understood. Taking a deep breath and slowly blowing it out;
"I had a feeling of complete emptiness. There were no pain...no guilt...nothing. It felt like this thing took everything I was feeling away. (taking another deep breath) I felt its fingers tighten around my head...my mind...I screamed. It hurt for a split second. Like a something electric went through me. (looking back to the floor) Suddenly I felt something hit me...hit me hard. All my memories and emotions came rushing back. (placing her hand to her chest.) Me...hitting the rocks. It hurt so bad, so much pain. I couldn't move...couldn't breath. Then...flashes...of pure bright white light. It was blinding. I closed my eyes in attempt to keep the light out. Squeezing them tightly...When I opened them again...(almost a whisper)...I was in a hospital room."
Sam looked at Dean. Dean recognized the look. Amara was apart of whatever this black mass was. That she was a bigger part of it than any of them thought. Sam got up and moved to over to back to the dinette table. Opening his laptop, he started to over the file Bobby sent him.
Amara moved away from Dean. Moving to the head of the bed. Placing her head on the pillow, she curled herself into a ball. Amara had stopped crying. She was so tired. She didn't want to talk about it anymore. Amara couldn't if she wanted to. It was like her body, her mind was spent. Dean didn't say a word to Amara. He simply got up and took his coat off the end of the other bed. Gently covering her with it. Amara absently looked at Dean and mouthed thank you. Then closed her eyes.
Pulling Amara's chair out from the wall, Dean sat down. Rubbing his face, Dean watched Sam as he worked on this laptop. His patience lasted about another five minutes before Dean finally spoke up.
"Okay...what did you find out?
Sam looked over the laptop. "Why are you being such a dick?"
"What did I do?...(shaking his head)...Never mind. What did you find out?" Dean said guiltily.
Sam rolled his eyes at Dean. He was still angry at Dean for acting like an ass. There was times, Sam wanted to belt his brother. This definitely one of those times. Dean was being so irritating and impatient. Sam had just about reached his limit. Swearing to himself if Dean said one more cocky remark, the fight was on. Sam finished typing a few things. He wanted to make sure that it was right.
Looking up at Dean, whispering; "Amara is involve...although she doesn't know it. Bobby found out, this dark mass is actually called a spirit of memories."
"You mean a ghost?" Dean asked.
"No...A spiritual being...It never was alive. It's a soul that never had a body." Sam explained with his voice low.
"What?" Dean said confused.
"Okay...(shaking his head) Its a soul, but for whatever reason...it never experience having a body. It's a higher being in hell. It's not a demon. However it controls them. In this case, it sees into people minds. (tapping a key) Sees what their sins is, gathers strength from it...(turning around the laptop)...then uses their sins to punishes their souls."
Dean looks at the picture that Sam found. The painting shows a tall black dark mass, not quite a man. However it had the shape of a man. The outline of it looked as if it was in long blackest of black robe. The spirit itself was transparent. Except for his eyes and mouth. They were very prominent. The eyes were neon green in color. The mouth was long, v-shaped with jagged teeth. The spirit was standing over a person. Its hand was on top of his head. The fingers had flat tips so it can grip the head. The person it was assaulting, looked empty. Like it was hollowed out. A shell. The eyes were white. The dark mass some how look like it was satisfied.
"It's a freaking zombie on steroids." Dean remarked.
"This is the part where Amara comes in Dean. When they can find a soul, that is tortured. (turning the laptop back toward him) It will take that soul's pain, by absorbing all the horrible things that person had done. Through the person's memories. (reading) Then gives it back to that soul ten times fold. The power it generates can send that person's soul back into its body. When that happens, the Spirit...hitches a ride and comes up from hell with the soul."
Dean looked over at Amara; "So she has to be put through hell again...go through everything that brought her there in the first place...to come back here on earth, for the spirit to take a ride."
"Basically, yeah...(Looking down at the laptop)...its says the soul would have been damned for that to happen." Sam answered.
"Damned huh? (a look of understanding) Her suicide?" Dean questioned.
"Yeah...explains the damned part...But look Dean, Amara's got bigger problems than that.(Dean narrows his eyes) According to this...the spirit can't stay here. It can take five souls here on this plane. After the fifth one, it has to come back to soul the spirit rode. (taking a deep breath) Then retakes her sins, her memories, pain, her whole being...absorbed. When that happens, It will kill her. Since it doesn't have that soul to ride back. The spirit will be able to stay on earth."
"Shit Sam!...It's got to gank her to stay here...freaking unreal." Dean nearly shouted.
Sam hushed Dean, "Its gotten three so far it has two more before it comes to get her."
Dean sat there for a moment. He knew it was gonna be bad. Not this bad. It wasn't enough this spirit rode Amara from hell. However to give her a sense of hope for second chance was torture in its self. Looking over at Amara on the bed, Dean can see that she was sleeping deeply.
Dean whispered; "Well we need to make sure that it doesn't get Amara...(his eyes turned sullen) Call Bobby, tell him we're coming. Explain to him what we found out. Maybe...we can figure out how to keep her safe and from going back."
Sam looked at Dean for moment. He could tell that Dean really wanted to help Amara. Getting up from the chair, Sam glanced over at Amara. Shaking his head in agreement, goes out the door. Sam knew this was going to be a tough one. How tough, neither of them didn't even have a clue.
