A/N All right, here the first Leonardo chapter. Boy, oh, boy, and I thought Raphael (the younger one) had problems. Nothing is really solved here, but at least some of the issues are exposed. Hopefully the boys will be able to restore their older selves back to a working family unit. In any case, I'm not sure if I'm happy with this chapter, but for the sake of the story it's going to remain as is so that I can move one. Hope at least some of you enjoy it.
After Raphael walked off, Leonardo sat thinking about what his brother had said. If he was honest with himself he had to admit that he, too, felt that there was something special about these young newcomers. Part of it, Leonardo surmised, was how they had been able to overcome and overlook their differences and forge a brand new family from the shattered remains of their previous ones. From what little April had been able to tell him, these younger versions of he and his brothers had been even more devastated than Leonardo and his siblings were now. And yet they had surmounted the odds and come out stronger for the experience. If only he and his brothers could do the same.
Looking back, Leonardo mentally retraced the path that had led to where he and his brothers were today. It had all started with Donatello's disappearance. That had been his first failure in that he was both unable to prevent it, and that he was not able to restore his lost brother, no matter how long or hard he had searched. Not even Raphael knew how many long hours he had spent scouring the city for some sign of his missing sibling. From there his failures just continued to pile up on after another. He failed to be the leader his father expected him to be. He failed to support his brothers as they suffered through their own sense of loss and grief. And then Karai had led the attack on the Lair, and he had faced his ultimate failure. He had failed to protect his home and his brothers. He had failed to save his father. And in the end, he failed to save himself. When it had become clear that he would never regain full use of his eyes, Leonardo had simply accepted it as fit punishment for allowing his brothers to be so badly wounded, and for permitting his father to die in his place. In light of what his brothers had lost, Michelangelo's arm and Raphael's eye, as well as their father, Leonardo felt he had gotten off lightly. Ashamed and disgusted with himself, he had purposefully withdrawn from his remaining family. It hurt him, soul-deep, to stay away, but as far as he was concerned, all he brought on his family was misery and dishonor. The pain of removing himself from their lives was all he deserved.
But that begged the question: why did he argue so forcefully with Raphael if deep down he agreed with his hot-headed sibling's view of him? It was a complicated issue. Partly, even though he had withdrawn from his brothers, Leonardo couldn't stop himself from looking after them however he could, and in the case of Raphael, he knew his younger brother needed someone to blame for what happened that night. It was a little twisted, Leonardo acknowledged that, but by arguing with Raphael, Leonardo was able to keep all the blame focused on himself. It was the only way he could keep Raphael from self-destructing with self-hate. With the younger turtle blaming his older brother for the loss of their father, he didn't have time to redirect any of his guilt on himself. It wasn't much, but if it kept Raphael alive, Leonardo could allow his brother to continue to hate him until his dying day. The other part, however, was that deep down Leonardo was in someway hoping that Raphael would actually follow through and put him out of his misery. Yet at the same time, he fought back, because he knew that Raphael ever did manage to kill him, the guilt would destroy his brother. As has been stated, his reasoning was twisted, but after all the destruction that made up his world, keeping one's sanity completely intact was all but impossible to do.
On the other hand, Leonardo's reasoning for staying away from Michelangelo was much more straightforward. He had already cost his younger brother so much (his best friend [Donatello, his father, his home, his arm, and his innocence), that finally Leonardo decided he was no good for his youngest sibling. All he brought was hurt and destruction to his world, so he pulled away. He knew that had hurt Michelangelo as well, but he simply took that as proof that he had no business being around his younger brother. So he left; sort of. He made sure he kept up with his brother's exploits through April. The tough rebel leader had begged him on numerous occasions to please, come back to his brother's side, but Leonardo couldn't do it. Staying away and working from the fringes were his penance. The constant fear that his brothers would be killed without him being there were the only atonement he was able to make, because even more than he feared his brothers' deaths without him there to watch their backs, he feared the deaths he was certain he would bring upon them if he was to return. So he stayed away and watched over them from a distance.
Only, now these younger turtles had arrived, and Leonardo's worldview was being threatened. With a heavy heart, and no small amount of envy, he listened at the two younger versions of Raphael teased and joked with their big brother. There was no hiding the affection in their taunts and insults, and it was just as clear that young Leo was equally devoted to them. Just then, a quiet, familiar step alerted Leonardo to April's presence before she even spoke.
"Leo," she called to the younger turtle. "The…," she stumbled over the word for a moment before saying, "Donny and Donatello said they need to see you down in the lab."
"It's okay, April," Leo replied, chuckling at her hesitation to use his brainiac brothers' nickname as he and his second younger brothers paused in their exercise. "You can call them the Genius twins. Or the Geeks, if you prefer. They don't mind. And it's a lot easier than using their names all the time."
"It just feels, I don't know, disrespectful," she told him a little self-consciously.
"Then just use whatever makes you comfortable," Leo told her. "Now, if you can give me a minute to leave some instructions for these two bone heads, I'll be along shortly." With that, he turned back to his younger brothers. "Okay, you two keep working together. From the looks of things, Raphael has taken control of the Brats for the time being. I suggest you keep sparring for another twenty minutes, then go ahead and cool down. We'll all meet back up later this afternoon for a progress report, and then we can get started with our evening practice."
"Will do, Leader Mine," Raphael said, and the older Leonardo was shocked to hear no mockery, other than good natured teasing that is, in his tone. That same comment, coming from his Raphael, would have been overflowing with sarcasm and resentment at being told what to do.
Still feeling a little off balance, Leonardo listened as his younger self disappeared out the door and down the hall. He was replaying the scene over in his mind, particularly Raphael's teasing rather than angry response to his brother's command, when suddenly his thoughts were interrupted by having Raph fall literally in his lap.
"Watch it, brattling," Leo growled as he stood up, dumping Raph on his butt on the floor.
Staring up at the ill-tempered older turtle, Raph knew he could respond in one of two ways. Either he could act like Raphael and snap back, which was rather his first inclination, or he could reign in his temper and maybe surprise the older turtle out of his. Going with his instincts, Raph chose the second response.
"Sorry," he apologized as he climbed to his feet. "My twin and I are working on some new moves, and we haven't quite got the hang of them yet."
Leonardo just grunted in response, but inside he was utterly astonished. He had thoroughly expected the younger turtle to snap back with some snotty little reply. The apology had come as a complete shock. It made Leonardo realize that his behavior had been completely inappropriate. After all, he was the one all but sitting in the middle of the makeshift dojo in the middle of a practice session. Moving to the edge of the room, Leonardo turned his attention to the two sai-bearing turtles. No one else knew this, but Leonardo's vision wasn't as depleted as it would seem. Because the agent that Karai had sprayed in his eyes had been in aerosol form, it had unevenly coated his eyes. The result was that his vision was rather like a broken puzzle. Some pieces were missing altogether, leaving blanks spots. Others were blurry and indistinct, while yet others were as clear as always. However, his eyes had become extremely sensitive to light, so the oldest turtle had taken to wearing dark tinted glasses, even when inside.
With his limited vision, Leonardo observed as Raph and Raphael continued their sparring. Leonardo watched as the pair moved with a speed and agility that didn't seem natural. They weren't using weapons, but at the speeds they were moving they didn't need them. As he watched, however, he saw a tiny flaw in each younger turtle's movement that needed some immediate correction. It was just a simple error in stance, but it could be enough to give a highly experienced opponent, such as Karai or one of the Legion bots, the upper hand in a fight. Leonardo had no doubt that, were Leo here, he would have noticed the flaw and corrected it right away. However, the young leader wasn't present. Leonardo was torn. Should he intervene, or should he continue to mind his own business? After all, these weren't his brothers. Besides, he had sworn off protecting his siblings. But his conscience wouldn't let him get away with that. Despite everything, technically these two were his brothers, sort of, even if they were younger and from a different dimension. Besides, a little helpful criticism didn't mean he was making any emotional ties. It was simply the responsible act of an old warrior to a pair of younger warriors.
Cautiously approaching the pair, Leonardo hesitantly cleared his throat. The two younger turtles immediately came to a halt.
"Did you need something," Raph asked politely when Leonardo didn't immediately say anything.
"I, um, I," Leonardo stuttered, suddenly unsure of himself.
"Let me guess," Raphael filled in. "Ya noticed somethin' we were doing wrong, and ya came over to correct it." Despite the words, his tone was teasing rather than hostile, and it worked to put the older turtle immediately at ease.
"Yes, actually," he replied.
Raphael groaned in a manner too dramatic to be offensive. "How is it that, despite being all but blind, can still see well enough to correct our mistakes," he asked his twin.
"Because he's Leonardo," Raph told him, even as he repositioned his feet according to the older turtle's directions. "I'm convinced he could be stone blind and still know when we weren't doing something right."
"I'm blind, not deaf," Leonardo reminded the pair with some snap in his tone.
"Relax, bro, we're just teasing," Raphael told him.
Leonardo went immediately still. "I'm no brother of yours," he growled softly.
"How do you figure that," Raphael challenged. "Because you're older? From a different dimension? Sorry, not going to fly, dude. After all, that applies to over half of our family."
"Don't push it youngster," Leonardo warned, his eyes narrowing as he scowled at the younger turtles.
"Nice try, but it's not going to work," Raph said. "I've seen scarier looks on my twin's face first thing in the morning. So, you can growl all you want, but you're not going to scare us away. And we're not your Raphael to rise to your bait, so we're not going to fight you either. You might as well come off your high horse and stop acting like an overbearing fool. It's not doing your or your family any good."
"What the shell do you know about anything," Leonardo hissed. "You two come from your perfect little life with your happy little family. You wouldn't understand what my family has been through, so don't even go there." He turned angrily, and started to stalk out of the room, only to find his way barred by the younger Raphael. "Move half-pint!"
But Raphael didn't budge. Instead, he got right up in Leonardo's face. "You want to hear what I know about loss," he said softly. "I'll tell you what my brothers and I know about loss. We know what it's like to treat a brother so shittily that he would rather kill himself that stay one more day in your home. I know what's like to live from day to day grieving for that brother with every breath you take. I know what's it's like to find that missing brother, only to realize he is so terrified of you, he can't stand to even be in the same room as you. I know what it's like to sit helplessly by as that brother lays dying, and to feel helpless because he will not respond to your pleas to come back. I know what it's like to have a beloved brother kidnapped, only to find him living in captivity like some sort of mindless animal and have to rebuild his confidence, self-esteem, and self-image from the bottom up. I know what it's like to watch a brother tortured—" here his voice broke slightly, but he bravely continued on, "tortured for his brothers individually, only to die in my arms. In fact, I know what's like to have that same brother die twice, and not be able to do a thing about it. More, I know what it's like to almost kill that brother myself, with my own weapon. So no, I don't know what your life has been like, but don't you dare suggest that your family has been through anything any worse than mine."
For long moment, not a word was spoken, and Leonardo's aggressive body language didn't change in the least. Dismayed, Raph finally said, "Move, bro. It's no use; he's not going to listen."
Raphael gave the oldest turtle a knowing, pitying look. "It's no wonder your family has fallen apart," he said, though there was no anger or accusation in his voice. "Pride can be a marvelous tool, but take it from me; it can also be a deadly weapon. Sometimes, even when we don't mean to, we can harm those we care for the most with its injudicious application, so be careful where your pride takes you. You can only go so far before your road becomes a one way street, and it's too late to turn around. Don't lose your family because you're too big an idiot to recognize the road signs along the way."
And with that, the two younger turtles, who were far wiser than their years, turned and left Leonardo to think over everything they'd told him, and to reconsider everything he'd come to believe over the past three decades.
