For a well-rounded diet, nothing balances out corniness like a healthy dose of snarking. Here's Elsie Penworthy to serve it up. (Okay, food-themed story notes are now concluded.)


"Welcome back to 'Eggs With Elsie,' and Happy Monday! Well, it certainly has been an exciting weekend! After only two weeks on the air, our humble morning show has a great deal of intriguing news to share today! Let's bring everyone up to speed, shall we?

"First, there were the pictures on Saturday morning of our beloved queen and a certain brooding member of her security staff. Surely by now, you've all seen -" The balcony pictures flashed up side-by-side on the screen. "- these? The caption asks whether Joe Romero has misinterpreted the meaning of the word bodyguard." A theatrical wink and a leering smile from the woman Clarisse knew she was going to love to hate. "Perhaps he missed the section in the palace employee handbook pertaining to 'Monarchs and Personal Space,' hmm?

"The palace was quick to issue a response. It seems Her Majesty had taken ill and was escorted out of the hotel ballroom by her noble guard -" Elsie swept the back of her hand across her brow. " - whew! just in time. Indeed, there are some guests who have spoken out on the queen's behalf, testifying that there was a royal flushed and reeling in their midst. Which begs the question: if that's not a glow of health on the queen's cheeks, is it the lingering effect of a feverish cold, or -" The blushing picture came back up by itself this time, and a portion of it was blown up for a better look at Joe's lips tantalizingly close to Clarisse. "- something she heard?"

Clarisse decided to have Parliament revisit their initiative to provide funding for arts and entertainment. If this was the best the public stations could muster, perhaps some spending cuts were in order.

"Of course, Her Majesty does have her ardent fan base, those who believe our squeaky clean queen can do no wrong." Elsie made a look that suggested her viewers might soon know whether she had, in fact, eaten eggs for breakfast. "Many subjects were quick to jump to her defense! Not the least of whom was...His Royal Highness!"

Clarisse sat up in shock.

"That's right! We received a long-distance call from the younger prince, who took time out of his busy class schedule to leave a message with our answering service -"

What! When had this happened?

"- very early this morning."

Oh, Lord.

"We'd like to play it for you now...-" Elsie made a show of cocking her head to the side and cupping her ear. "I've just been informed by our producer that we will not be hearing that message after all. Apparently, if we censor all the naughty words, there won't be enough left of it to make any sense! Oh my! The language kids pick up at American universities!" Wide eyes and a hand covering her mouth to show she was delightedly scandalized. "I wonder if soap tastes just as unpleasant when it's dusted with gold and served up with a silver spoon."

Clarisse rubbed her temples. At least Declan and the rest of the public relations staff wouldn't have to worry about job security with Philippe around.

"Sadly," Elsie continued, not doing a very good job of looking sad, "Her Majesty has her detractors as well as her supporters." She leaned forward to confide as though the camera were a close friend. "There are those who claim to be not surprised at all. They say they have known about the affair for years, and point to Mr. Romero's long employment history as proof. He has held the position of personal bodyguard to the queen longer than anyone else - ten years! - and it is hard to argue with numbers."

Clarisse's own breakfast was starting to feel a bit scrambled in her stomach.

"Then again, some of those who are not very fond of our long-reigning royal couple do not believe the infidelity rumors…concerning the queen…are true."

Clarisse bristled at the emphasis, although she doubted even Elsie would have the gall to further taunt Rupert. Then again, the show was still pretty new.

"How could she earn her nickname 'Ice Queen' while cavorting with the staff? Brrr!"

Yes, that was cold, Clarisse had to admit.

"Perhaps the most compelling evidence is in Her Majesty's favor."

Clarisse narrowed her eyes warily, and felt oddly apprehensive at the way Elsie's eyes lit up.

"Yours truly has obtained a third photograph!"

With bated breath, Clarisse leaned forward and gripped the sides of her chair.

"Take a look at this!"

Suddenly, Clarisse was looking at herself, well-groomed and made up, outside of the hotel in Paris and getting ready to enter the limousine. Despite her impeccable, well, everything, nothing could hide the fact that she looked like death warmed over. One hand held the top of the car for support, her other hand clutched a handkerchief and rested on the top of the open door. Behind her was Joseph, his brow furrowed in concern. With arms slightly outstretched, he kept a safe distance between them while still hovering closely enough to catch her if she faltered in her unsteady state.

"Of course, we haven't heard directly from the queen about any of this, but if I were her, I think I might be more upset over this picture than the other two. I guess even Oscar de la Renta and an expensive concealer can only get a girl so far when she's this under the weather!" Elsie tried to look sympathetic, but her acting just wasn't that good.

"But wait! Who is this in the background?" The picture was back up, and looking a bit grainy as the focus zoomed in to someone far back by the hotel entrance. Despite the quality of the image, it was clear enough to identify Genovia's king, and to see he looked refreshed and was wearing a charming smile. "Why, I believe it's His Majesty! He doesn't seem concerned that the queen is once more being closely attended to by her loyal bodyguard. In fact, he doesn't look terribly concerned about the queen at all! Perhaps it is a good thing she has such a devoted servant in Joe."

Throwing something at the television and smashing it to pieces wouldn't stop the show from airing, but Clarisse thought it might make her feel better. Unfortunately, the blueprints for a new library in downtown Pyrus were the only thing within reach, and she doubted they would make a satisfying impact.

"So much food for thought at the start of this new week! Thanks for joining us! I'm Elsie Penworthy, reminding you to -" Inexplicably, Elsie picked up a pan and held it so the sizzling contents were visible to the camera. "- keep your eggs sunny side up!"

Clarisse wanted to tell Elsie exactly what she could do with that frying pan full of eggs.


To be continued...

I hope this chapter answers some questions that I've let linger for awhile.

Important reminders, in case anyone has forgotten:

I do not own The Princess Diaries books/movies/characters. I wouldn't mind being able to claim Clarisse and Joe, but they can keep Elsie.

If you've made it this far into the story, s'wonderful! If you're still enjoying it, s'marvelous! It makes me happy to have you read along as I write this.

Thank you for the feedback and encouragement! I heart reviews!