I had finally learned what the hardest thing in life was. It had taken over 15 years of life, but I had finally figured it out.
There were physically tough things in life, like years of ninja training.
There were emotionally devastating things, like telling your brothers to leave you behind on a giant Kraang ship so they could get away, and watching them tell you they couldn't do it.
There were mentally horrific things, like hearing the story of your family racing to get you home after you'd been gravely injured by a stab wound and seeing the faces of them as they recalled it.
There were shocking things, like learning that your worst enemy is actually your father's daughter.
There were countless bad things that could happen in you, but above all of that, there was one thing worse than all of them.
In fact, it was all of them combined.
The worst thing you can ever go through, the absolute worst thing a person could go through in life is saying goodbye.
Saying goodbye to you brother, and knowing it's all your fault he's going to die.


***Post Trust, post Slash and Destroy.

Leonardo's P.O.V.

I had finally learned what the hardest thing in life was. It had taken over 15 years of life, but I had finally figured it out.
There were physically tough things in life, like years of ninja training.
There were emotionally devastating things, like telling your brothers to leave you behind on a giant Kraang ship so they could get away, and watching them tell you they couldn't do it.
There were mentally horrific things, like hearing the story of your family racing to get you home after you'd been gravely injured by a stab wound and seeing the faces of them as they recalled it.
There were shocking things, like learning that your worst enemy is actually your father's daughter.
There were countless bad things that could happen in you, but above all of that, there was one thing worse than all of them.
In fact, it was all of them combined.
The worst thing you can ever go through, the absolute worst thing a person could go through in life is saying goodbye.
Saying goodbye to you brother, and knowing it's all your fault he's going to die.

***Post Trust, post Slash and Destroy.

Leonardo's P.O.V.

"What do you mean by 'a serious problem,' Leo?" Donnie's voice came slowly over the receiver of my T-phone.
His voice sounded so strange, like he wasn't all the way there. Like he and Mikey's talk with Master Splinter after I had left to go find Raph had tripped him up. Bad.
"Is that Leo?" I could hear Mikey's voice in the background. "Is something wrong with him? Did he find Raph?"
He sounded just the same as Donnie did: sad, maybe a little confused. In shock, I guess, was the best way to describe it.
What had Sensei told them? How much had Sensei told them?
My mind began racing through the possibilities...until I heard the struggled coughing of my practically limp brother next to me.
The world around me froze as I analyzed my brother.
Raph looked completely pale. I could feel his body quivering softly with each short, raspy intake of breath he managed. He was wheezing silently and covered in sweat. All the while he was blinking repeatedly, like he was trying to make sense of everything around him.
And I could only come to one conclusion: whatever poison Karai had given him was slowly destroying his body.
He was dying.
"Leo, are you there?" Donnie's voice sounded off, bringing me back to the world.
I snapped back into action, walking Raph down an alley next to the Shredder's lair. We hadn't gotten far, Raph could barely breathe, let alone walk. I carried him with one arm and held my T-phone to my head with the other. It wasn't exactly easy...
"Donnie, listen to me," I quickly responded. "Raph's got some kind of drug in him. I don't know what it is but it's not good."
All traces of the shock I had heard earlier was quickly pulled out of Donnie's voice.
"What are his symptoms?" he demanded.
I could hear him shuffling around, like he was already on his way to the lab.
I had to hand it to Donnie, he never wasted time, no matter what was going on.
"Uh," I looked over my brother again for the millionth time. "Sweating, he feels cold, he's coughing, he can barely walk, he can barely breathe..."
I was rattling off things as fast as I could, and I could practically hear Donnie's concentration through his mumbles over the phone.
Raph and I had reached the back of the darkened alley after what felt like years. Donnie was no longer responding to me but I could hear the motion of his T-phone, accompanied by Mikey's questions in the background.
"D, what is it? What's the matter? What do I do with this?"
I knew Donnie was already in action, I knew if anyone could save Raph at this point, it was him...but his silence was freaking me out.
I needed to know that Donnie knew what to do. I needed him to verbally tell me he could fix this.
I needed him to say he could save our brother.
I just...I needed that reassurance. And the silence wasn't giving me that.
"Donnie, what do I do?" I asked him, growing more and more frantic.
No response. Just more shuffling and Mikey's questions.
"What is this for? Are Leo and Raph in trouble? Should I get Sensei? Are we-"
Mikey was cut off by another round of Raph's coughing.
I covered his mouth for him. When I pulled my hand away, the wrapping around my fingers was tinted red. Raph sunk further and further towards the ground.
Oh no...
"DONNIE!" I practically screamed into my T-phone.
"Leo, is Raph awake?" he asked me suddenly, his voice void of all emotions.
The monotone that was Donnie speaking to me in those moments terrified me. Donnie isn't an emotionless person: he'd always been very open with whatever emotions he was feeling. His sarcasm was always a good reflection of that.
So to hear Donnie be so serious, so void of feelings...
Well, in that moment, I would have preferred the silence.
I pulled Raph up higher towards me and watched his eyes. They shifted up to me and settled on me.
He was awake. It was the first time I had felt any small relief all night.
"He's awake," I informed Donnie, not taking my eyes off of Raph's.
"Leo, keep him awake, do you understand?" Donnie spoke very flatly. "Mikey and I have your location and we're on our way in the Shellraiser. We're coming as fast as we can but you have to keep Raphael awake."
With that, the line disconnected and I was alone with Raph, who was fighting for his life.
His eyes had fallen back to the ground and his breathing was getting louder and louder, like it was taking more effort for him to get oxygen.
I didn't know how long it would take Donnie and Mikey to get there. I didn't know if Donnie could actually help Raph or not. I didn't know if I could help Raph or not.
All I knew was that this night was hell, and that there was no way it could have been worse.
Until I heard voices.
"Karai said search EVERYWHERE!" Rahzar called from the mouth of the alley.
I backed my brother and myself further into the shadows of the corners. I could see Rahzar and Fishface directing Foot ninjas in all different directions.
"She said they couldn't have gotten far, not with one of them poisoned," Fishface added. "And there's no way they could have gone up, unless one left the other behind."
My hand covered Raph's mouth again, trying desperately to silence his erratic breathing. I knew Rahzar could pick up the sound with his ears so sensitive, and at that point, the only thing concealing us was the shadows.
I couldn't fight off Rahzar and Fishface on my own while defending Raph. I knew I couldn't. I wasn't good enough.
If I was good enough, we wouldn't even be in the situation we were in...
Raph's breathing slowed down tremendously. Either Raph understood he had to be quiet, or his lungs weren't working.
I wanted to look down at him, but I kept my eyes locked on the mouth of the alley, on Fishface and Rahzar.
"I'll find them first, and when Master Shredder rewards me, maybe I'll use my raise and give you a dog bone," Fishface said before taking off on his own.
Rahzar scoffed. I held my breath as I waited for him to run off in his own direction.
He didn't.
Instead he raised his head to the sky and inhaled the air. On instinct, his nose tilted in our direction.
My heart skipped a beat.
No...
"Raph," I frantically whispered to him. "Raph, I need you to grab onto my shoulders. I need you to do it bro, I know you can."
His only response was to shudder.
"I can smell you, turtles..." Rahzar announced. "I know you're close..."
"Raph, please, come on bro..." I begged him.
Very weakly, I felt his hands wrap around my shoulders. I quickly and quietly - well, as quietly as possible - hoisted him up on my shell piggyback style. He grunted softly but said nothing else.
Raph was pure muscle, and he was heavy. I didn't know if I could actually carry him, but I did know I wasn't about to leave him behind.
"I can smell your fear, freaks..." Rahzar said slowly as he began inching towards us.
He scarped his claws against a dumpster before he tossed it to the side and checked behind it.
It rolled around creating loud noises, which was exactly what I needed.
He slowly inched along, whispering threats menacingly until he had made his way to the second dumpster. When he threw it, I climbed onto one and leapt for the fire escape over head, Raph hanging on to me as I piggybacked his weight.
I felt like I was carrying a sack of bricks, and I didn't know how I had even managed to grab on to that fire escape carrying that weight. I was just thankful Rahzar hadn't heard the noises due to the crashing of his throwing things around.
We were still covered by the darkness as I tried to reach for the next handle of the ladder. It was so difficult.
I made a mental note to myself that if I survived this night to start working out more...
Raph's soft shaking and cold body pressed against me, and I knew I had to make it to the top. Failure was not an option at that point; I had failed Raph enough times this night and I swore to myself I wouldn't do it again. So I pushed myself beyond my limits. I used 110% of my strength to climb to the top of that platform and out of Dogpound's reach.
Each time I climbed had to be perfectly timed. When Rahzar would make a noise, I would use it to hide the sounds of my motions. Simple strategy, and good use of stealth.
At the top and out of breath, I gently set Raph down and looked down over the ledge back down to Rahzar, who had made it to where Raph and I were standing moments prior. He was growling, obviously frustrated to come up empty handed. I waited to see what his next move was.
When he started sniffing around again, I took the hilt of my katana in my hand. He knew we were there, and it was only a matter of time before he looked up and found us.
I just hoped I could beat Rahzar on my own when it came to that.
"Are you going to waste all night or are you going to help us?!" Fishface's voice suddenly appeared from the alley's entrance.
"I thought I smelled something," Rahzar retorted angrily.
"Your nose is about as useless as you are," Fishface hissed. "Stop wasting time and come help us search."
Rahzar growled again, but reluctantly followed Fishface out of the alley.
I sank to my knees, the relief I felt in those moments overwhelming me.
But the danger wasn't over yet.
I crawled over to my brother, kneeling in front of and inspecting him.
His eyes were dropping as he continued to struggle for air.
"Keep him awake," Donnie's voice rang out in my mind. "You have to keep Raphael awake."
I put my hands on both of his shoulders and shook him slightly.
"Raph, can you hear me buddy?" I asked softly.
"Yeah," he answered weakly, followed by a fit of coughing. "I can hear you, Fearless."
More relief washed over me, like the waves over a beach. I had never been so happy to hear Raph taunt me with that stupid nickname. A nickname that definitely didn't apply to me, because I was so afraid he was going to die.
"Damn it, Raph," I could feel tears pricking at my eyes. "What the hell have you gotten yourself into?"
I was so happy that my brother was still alive somehow, but I was so angry that he was in this state.
And I was mortified knowing I could have, should have prevented this.
He didn't respond that time. He just kept his eyes downcast and focused on breathing.
I sat there and waited. I sat there and waited for some kind of response, some kind of notice.
I could tell from his eyes that there were millions of things going through his head.
He opened his mouth like he was going to say something.
I listened.
His eyes began to close...
"RAPH," I said loudly.
His eyes shot open. Well...half way open, as open as they could be. A jolt of shock rocked his body and he started coughing again.
"Sorry!" I instantly regretted my abruptness. "Sorry..."
He just kept coughing and shaking. And in between his coughing fits, his jagged breaths were the only source of noise.
It hurt so badly to see him in so much pain.
Raph is not someone who openly expresses if he's hurt. He loves the tough guy act, he loves not to appear weak to those around him.
"How are you feeling?" I asked quietly.
I thought maybe he could reassure me that he was okay.
"Everything-hurts," he clarified, his tone almost sarcastic.
It was like he didn't believe I could be so oblivious to his obvious pain. I just couldn't take acknowledging it, because I knew it was my fault.
His eyes started to fall again.
"RAPH," I repeated, desperate not to see him fall asleep.
Especially not if Donnie told me he couldn't.
"Donnie told me I had to keep you awake until he gets here," I told him. "He said you can't fall asleep."
Raph groaned, and shook his head slightly.
"I guess we can just talk about stuff, if you're up to it..." I offered.
"Heh, and if I refuse?" he asked weakly.
I smiled sadly at him, because I knew exactly what he was doing. He knew I blamed myself for this, he knew how horrible I felt for what he was going through.
And he was trying to take some of that pain away, to make me feel better, just like he always had done for me.

***
We were seven years old. Of course we weren't ninja masters like Sensei. We were only seven years old.
But that didn't stop me from trying.
"Hold the blade high, Leonardo," Sensei corrected me for what felt like the millionth time.
I felt so inferior to my brothers, they were all adapting to their weapons so much easier than I was. Maybe it was because their weapons weren't as heavy as these katanas.
Maybe it was because their weapons didn't hold the power mine did; the power to easily end a life...
Maybe I Sensei would still let me change weapons, it had only been a week...
I shook my head furiously.
I would not back down from these swords: I had killed that fish, and that was not something I could just walk away from. I would carry those scars forever, and I would live with it.
"HIGHER, LEONARDO," Sensei corrected me again.
I gritted my teeth and raised that impossibly heavy sword even higher. The blade now as high as I could possibly manage.
Raph's eyes traced the length of the blade before him, and held his Sais to his side.
"Raphael, I will teach you how to disarm an opponent using your Sais. Leonardo, raise it higher!"
"I can't, Sensei!" I reluctantly admitted to him.
My arms were shaking from supporting the weight of the blade, and my eyes were squeezed shut in an attempt at concentration. I absolutely could not hold it any higher. Raphael was watching me, nerved face but nervous eyes.
"HIGHER!" Sensei commanded.
Suddenly, the weight was gone. And there was screaming.
I didn't know what happened.
My eyes opened to see my sword on the ground, Sensei kneeling over Raph in front of me, and blood all over the place.
All over my sword.
It was my fault. I had dropped my sword and cut Raph in the chest.
Sensei was frantically wiping the blood away, and I fell to my knees, the pain of what I had done sinking in and weighing me down.
Raph's crying died down gradually, and Sensei exhaled.
"It is not a serious cut," he informed us. "I will go get the medical supplies to wrap it. Leonardo, stay with your brother. Raphael, hold this cloth on your cut."
With that, Sensei picked up our weapons and disappeared out of the room.
It took me a few seconds, but I finally managed to crawl over to Raphael.
His hysterical sobbing had died down to only a few sniffles.
He always had to be the tough guy...
"I'm sorry..." I said slowly, sniffling myself. "I didn't mean...I wasn't trying-"
"It's fine," he cut me off.
I looked at him, and he looked at me.
His expression told me he was in a lot of pain, but his eyes told me he understood I hadn't intended it.
A few moments of silence passed between us, and I reached for his blood-soaked cloth to see the damage I had caused.
There was a small, strange crack in his plastron. One that would more than likely never heal.
I gasped. I had given my brother scars. And although he tried to make me feel better, a new wave of guilt washed over me.
Raph sensed my unease.
"So what now?" he asked, recovering his wound.
I stayed silent. He frowned more.
"I guess we can talk about stuff until Sensei comes back," he suggested. "You know, unless you wanna be a baby and stay quiet."
I had to chuckle at that. He was always taunting me.
"And what if I refuse?" I teased him back.

"We match," I breathed, coming out of my flashback.
He continued to wheeze and slowly raised an eyebrow.
I pointed to my scars and pointed to his.
"We match," I repeated. "We both have scars on our shoulders."
"Oh. Yeah."
Raph covered his mouth again and coughed. His body vibrated violently as his weak lungs tried to suck in air, but to no avail.
My brother was dying, and I had no idea where Donnie and Mikey were.
"I'm sorry I let this happen," I told him, closing my eyes to block the tears from spilling.
He looked at me, and I looked away from him, no longer able to bear seeing him in the state he was in.
"I'm sorry I let you leave, I'm sorry I let you end up like this. I'm sorry you're in pain because of me."
I was rattling off apologies left and right. I could stop myself from apologizing or everything I had to.
As scary a thought it was, I had to tell him everything I felt, because I might not had had the chance to later...
"I'm sorry I let you-"
"Shut up, Leo," he cut me off. "Just shut the fuck up please."
My eyes were back on him instantly.
"This isn't your fault," he spoke with effort. "It's mine. I was the one who left, I was the one who made the deal with Karai..."
He squeezed his eyes shut and balled his hands into a loose fist.
"What deal...?" I asked him.
"I made a deal with Karai to take out Master Splinter..." he whispered.
I gasped softly, trying to hide it. But he had heard me.
"I was sick of it," he clarified. "I was sick of seeing you guys treat Splinter like he had done nothing wrong. You almost died because of him Leo, and that has been eating at me for months now.
"I couldn't take it anymore, and Karai offered me a deal: she said she would take care of him and we wouldn't have to worry about the stupid feud between Shredder and Splinter anymore. She said we could have walked away. I agreed only for you guys.
"But I've come to realize why it was a mistake. I realize that, no matter how much I hated him for disarming you, it was actually my fault. I should have been better. Then you wouldn't have had to jump in the way. I can blame Master Splinter all I want, but in the end, it was my fault. I just want you to know that, if I die tonight, I died knowing I have been blaming the wrong person all this time.
"And I want you to know that I'm sorry, and that I love you guys. That if me dying right here means I protected our family, than I died in peace."
I looked at him, feeling absolutely more wretched than I had before he started his small speech.
His words forced the ones I had been holding back to come out.
"Raph, Karai is Splinter's daughter. Karai is Miwa."
His eyes opened a little wider than before, almost like he didn't believe me.
"That night Karai took me, when I came back home, he told me the truth. Karai is Splinter's daughter. That's why he saved her. My getting stabbed was just a consequence of diving in front of you guys, but that was why he did it. I told you Sense always has a reason for the things he does..."
Raph's face was still twisted from the pain he was feeling, but his eyes calmed down significantly. It was like he couldn't exactly process the new information I had just given him, and I didn't blame him.
I could barely process it the night I found out either.
But if Raph truly had to die here, if there was one last thing I could ever tell him, it would be that.
Raph knew I loved him, and Donnie and Mikey. I didn't have to waste my last words on something cliche like "I love you" with Raph. I just had to leave him with the one thing that could truly resolve all of his anger with Splinter, and that was the truth.
I didn't care if it wasn't my place to tell him. He deserved the truth.
"Huh," was all he said before a new round of soft coughing took over.
He coughed for a few moments and closed his eyes again.
"Raph, stay awake," I told him.
No response.
Tear spilled over my eyes at that point. I couldn't hold them back anymore.
"Raph, wake up," I said louder.
Nothing.
"Raph," I was getting desperate.
I moved closer to him and started shaking him.
He was breathing, but barely. He didn't have much time left.
I couldn't even keep him awake. I failed my brother again.
The horn of the Shellraiser startled me.
"LEO!" Donnie yelled from the streets.
I jumped up and ran to the ledge, signaling Donnie.
"WE'RE UP HERE!" I screamed down to him.
Donnie and Mikey climbed up to the rooftop instantly.
"How is he?" Donnie asked as he started inspecting Raph.
"He's..." I tried, but I was panicking.
I didn't know how he was.
Donnie didn't waste any time. He'd always been good under pressure.
"Mikey, Leo, help me get him down to the Shellraiser," he instructed.
The three of us rapidly carried him down to the Shallraiser and laid him on the medical table. Donnie stayed completely silent and focused as he strapped an oxygen mask and IV's up to Raph's limp form.
"I'm sorry, Donnie," I frantically cried. "I tried to keep him awake, I really did, I tried but I couldn't. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."
I was speaking so fast, not knowing was to do. I couldn't stare at anything but the floor. The reality of the situation was hitting me harder and harder.
I didn't know if Raph was going to live or die.
"Leo," Donnie hands fell on my shoulders, forcing me to look up into his eyes.
His strong, focused eyes.
"Leo you did everything you could and more," Donnie reassured me. "Right now, you need to be strong for us, like you always are. If I can save Raph, I need to do it at home. You need to get us home, right now."
I doubted him, because I had already failed. I didn't know if I could so this.
That was when Mikey came up to me.
"Bro, if anyone can save Raph, it's you," he told me. "Get us home."
Mikey and Donnie both looked at he with so much faith is me, it almost broke me down.
My eyes then fell to Raph's face. The face of my brother who needed me to save him, just like he had saved me months before.
And then I saw his scar, and my hand touched my own scars.
I knew I couldn't break down. I knew my brother needed me to save him.
And I refused to let him die.


One. More. Chapter. !.
What's gonna happen next?! I don't know! Wait and see!

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