Chapter 7: Distance

Cold. He was cold. The Commander had been keeping himself at a distance from Alex. He hardly acknowledged her when they worked together. Her daily duties were the same, but he would dismiss her frequently and early. If the two brushed against each other he would immediately recoil back from her as if he had been stung. It was all so agonizing. She would fight back tears every time they made direct eye contact; his rejection was carved into her heart. It was a moment she wanted to desperately white out, but given the circumstances that was impossible. No matter how much she cried, cleansed, and attempted to move on from this, she couldn't.

She loved him.

She could not follow his order and forget. She could not force her love on him either. So she would just sit on her strong feelings again and long for him, while he would forever be out of her reach.

'I guess…that's how it has to be…'

However, his attitude towards her was still very awful to handle. He was completely indifferent and when he had nothing to request from her, he would simply ignore her presence. She tried to make small talk, but she would be rebuffed and the situation all the more uncomfortable by this cold professionalism.

It made Alex think of how she had been treating Levi.

In truth, she did miss being around that rude man. Despite his grouchiness, Levi was incredibly insightful, and a very good listener even if his responses were almost always snippy. Even though she most likely would not tell him about her problems with the Commander, he would be able to pick up on her despondent behavior. For now Petra would seek her out to see how she was doing, which Alex thought was incredibly kind. Still, she found herself wishing she could talk to Levi. The Corporal had ceased all his attempts to resolve their issues, which did not surprise her being that she made that task problematic.

The expedition was today, and she believed it would be best to make amends with the Lance Corporal. There was no telling if she would make it back, and she'd be damned to leave this world with their friendship damaged. As she headed toward the stables she felt her stomach twist into knots. She was extremely nervous for two reasons. One, he was most likely not too happy with her at the moment. Two, she kept having flashbacks of that night. She could practically feel his cool fingers on her skin, causing goosebumps to appear on her arms. These conflicting thoughts and feelings were troublesome. Especially now with these complications that were going on with the Commander.

She could see Levi readying his horse, and she carefully approached him while his back was turned. She took a deep breath. "Good morning Corporal." She greeted pleasantly, but the cheeriness that would usually come with it was nonexistent.

He did not even turn around to look at her.

"Umm.." She shifted her weight on one foot to the other. "D-did you enjoy your breakfast, sir? I thought the oatmeal was really delicious!"

She mentally slapped herself. While it had successfully gotten him to face her, he was clearly annoyed at the nonsense that had flown out of her mouth.

"Really?" He spat, glaring harshly at her meek form. "You've been avoiding me for days, and now you wanna talk about fucking oatmeal?"

"I'm sorry! I got nervous!"

He rolled his eyes, and turned his attention back to his horse. "Well, if that's what you want to talk about then I think I'd rather be spared of your stupidity and not talk at all."

She bit her lip. 'He's really mad at me. He's got the right to be though…'

"Corporal I.." She took a step towards him. "I really am sorry! It was wrong and cruel of me to ignore you that way." He said nothing, but his movements stopped. He was listening. "If…if you want to yell at me or shun me, go ahead. I deserve it for acting like a child. But…" She clasped her hands together shyly. "I do care about you sir! You're important to me and for me to ignore your feelings-!"

"Alex-" He said suddenly, but she went on.

"Was completely insensitive to do! I'm so sorry!"

"Alex I'm trying-"

"Whatever you have to say to me I'll listen!"

"Good, then let me-"

"I mean it sir! I promise not to interrupt you! I'm all ears so-!"

"OI SHITHEAD!"

"Ehh..?" She blinked at his abrupt outburst. He was glaring at her still, but the severity of it had diminished greatly.

"Shut up a minute will you?" He let out an irritated sigh. "What happened that night…was a mistake. My actions were brought on by the tea that I mixed with some whisky."

…..

"Wahhhhh!?" She screeched eyes wide with disbelief. "Whisky?!"

'Is that why he drinks so much tea! He mixes it?!'

"Are…are you an alcoholic sir?" She asked in a hushed tone, eyes narrowed with suspicion.

"No, you dumbass! But of course the one rare time I decide to have a drink, you walk into my office…" The last part he muttered more to himself. "I just wanted to apologize for the inappropriate behavior. If you had come talk to me, or read any of my letters this could've been over and done with a long time ago."

She laughed sheepishly. "Ahh, I'm sorry about that sir." Frankly, she was relieved. The intimacy that night was only generated by the influence of alcohol. Nothing more...Or so she thought. "Maybe I was a tad bit overdramatic about the whole thing."

"Just forget it." He said, now seated at the top of his horse and he stared down at her with a solemn gaze. "So you don't have to run from me anymore, okay?"

She could hear the faintest trace of…hurt? He had been trying to reach out to her this whole time, and explain everything. And she simply snubbed him. It was obvious when she had first approached him that he was upset with her for making him go through this ordeal, but when she thought more about this it ran much deeper. He was her superior officer first and foremost, but over last three years they did form a friendship. An unusual one, but still they had grown very familiar with one another, and yet she so readily pushed him away.

"Sir. I really hope you can forgive me." She softly murmured with eyes downcast as she recalled her shameful behavior.

"Didn't I just say to forget it already?"

"No! I won't forget!" She exclaimed, her head snapped up to look at his piercing grey eyes. "I meant it when I said you're important to me, sir. I may have let you down as a friend, but I promise to never turn my back on you again!" Resolute, she waited for his response.

He only stared at her owlishly as he took in her pledge, and clicked his tongue. "Get your horse. We're going to be late."

With a smile she nodded enthusiastically and quickly ran into the stable to retrieve a horse of her own as ordered. When she came back out Levi was still in the same place, waiting for her, though his expression held that of impatience. "About time."

Scoffing when she replied with a rather cheery apology, he pulled on the reins of his horse to turn only to once again be stopped by Alex.

"Corporal?"

"What now?" He asked, glancing back to see her smiling face.

"Good luck today!"

"Tch…Idiot."

Secretly, he was pleased.

When the Scout Regiment made it to the gate, a whole crowd was waiting for them. There were cheers of encouragement, and hopeful gazes that held on to a peaceful future without titans. Then there were mutters of doubt from those who believed that the scout's progress was unproductive, and money just wasted. She tried to avoid looking at the numerous faces due to shyness or in many cases disgrace, but she'd always make sure to smile so that she could better convey optimism. She would admire how the Commander would handle these affairs, head held high, straight face, and dignity intact no matter the aftermath.

Unlike Levi who scowled at both opposing voices, especially at the loud cheers that solely glorified him.

"It's so damn noisy." He grumbled, glaring sourly.

"Aw, Levi don't be mean!" said Hanji with a playful smile. "If only your fans knew how much of a clean freak you are! Their poor little hearts would break!"

"Ah, Corporal, maybe it wouldn't hurt to show a courteous response to these people." Alex suggested with a helpful smile, to which Levi responded with a roll of the eyes.

"Please, I'm not about to kiss their asses to make myself look better. That's your area of expertise."

Offended, her now red cheeks puffed out and one dainty eyebrow twitched. "Gah! There's nothing wrong with being polite!" Her disruption made her horse whine in protest and with a sigh she patted the side of her horses' neck. "I'm just saying they recognize the difference you make. They see you and have a reason to hope."

He said nothing, but he glanced over to a small group of children that were staring at him in awe and gave them a curt nod. The acknowledgement from Humanity's Strongest Soldier had the children beaming brightly. Though she swore she heard him mutter the word "Brats" under his breath she could not help but be delighted by his act of kindness.

Taking a bit of courage she quickly peeked at the crowd, and bright green eyes met a familiar dark green. A young man and noticing the patch symbol on his uniform he was still in the training corps. His emotions were clear on his face; admiration, appreciation, and determination. Perhaps a promising new soldier then? When their gazes met his eyes immediately widen with recognition, and he animatedly started waving at her. Bemused, she offered a wave of her own, blinking at him and his familiar face.

'Where have I seen him before…?'

Then a flash of a memory from long ago came to mind.

"Look Mikasa! The heroes are back!"

Was that the little boy from five years ago? As the distance between them grew larger she craned her neck so she could continue to study him. 'Is that really him?' She wondered as he finally disappeared into the sea of faces. Hanji's voice broke her out of her trance.

"Alex? Did you hear what I said?"

Alex turned her head to her right where Hanji resided. "Oh um, I'm sorry ma'am! What was that?"

"Something the matter?" She asked curiously, and Levi who over heard the inquiry also gave her his attention.

She glanced back at the crowd where the young man had once been. "It's nothing." She answered quietly. "Just thought I saw someone I knew…"

SLASH

The scouts were out of the Trost district and were now currently in battle with the titans. Alex stood in a defensive position on the Commander's left while Mike had his right. There were other soldiers scattered around the area as well, ready to attack. Personal issues aside, she was still apart of Erwin's unit. The mission was to clear out the titans in Wall Maria. They would start with the first town, and they hoped to at least make it to the boarder.

The ground beneath their feet began to rumble as a 15 meter class titan approached their group. Its mouth opened wide at the sight of a promising meal. Erwin was quick to command the attack. "Hit it from every angle!"

Alexandra and the rest of the squad all charged at the monster with no hesitation. Using her gear she flew forward around the creatures' leg, she proceeded to lop off a rather large piece of flesh from the back of its knee. Another soldier followed her example and mimicked the attack on the opposite leg, causing the titan to tumble forward. The other scouts took advantage of this and cut at its failing joints. Erwin and Mike were upon the titan's nape in an instant and in perfect synchronous they sliced into its neck so deep that the head itself fell off.

The victory was short-lived when another titan jumped out. It crashed itself into a nearby building. Her gear had moved her out of the way in time, but five her comrades had perished under the rubble, including the soldier who had helped her inflict damage on the other titan. Her expression turned grim when she saw her comrade's bloody hand stick out from the wreckage.

"ALEX! GET OUT OF THE WAY!"

Erwin's deep voice alerted her to the titan that had crushed her comrades. It leapt up to take a bite out of her. A solid figure hauled her out of the way just in time and they both hit the top of the roof. She found herself wrapped protectively in the Commander's arms, his teeth grinded together at the harsh landing.

The pain on his face had her react instantly. "Commander! Are you alright?!"

"I'm fine." He muttered, as he pushed himself back up to stand bringing her with him.

The titan that had tried to devour her now lay dead in smoke. Mike flew out of the hot smoke and gracefully landed on the roof next to Erwin. He sniffed the air briefly. "Erwin, they're heading north from here."

Erwin nodded, his next plan of action already in mind. "Gather the remaining troops and take out as many of the enemy as you can. We can't have them outnumber us in one area, lest we will be overwhelmed. Then we shall regroup."

Obeying, Mike leapt onto the next building leaving Alex and the Commander alone. His cold blue eyes locked with hers, and just like that her heart was captured once more. 'He saved me again.' However, blood began to seep out from the top of his head. The sight of it caused her breath to stop in her throat.

"Sir you're injured!" She exclaimed, voice full of concern and distress. Carefully on her tippy toes she reached up to exam the wound, but he caught her wrist before she could touch him. His grip was loose while his features remained indifferent.

He released her hand and reached into his pocket to pull out a cloth. "It's merely a flesh wound. You should be more concerned about your surroundings." He said stoically, as he wiped his face clean. "Don't let your guard down again."

"Yes sir." she responded pitifully, and her shoulders slumped dejectedly.

"Stay here and tend to the wounded." He ordered, and turned away from her. It dawned upon her that he was purposely trying to put more distance between them. It must have been obvious to him that her affection for him was still very much present. He no longer wanted her to follow him, and that meant the vow she made long ago would be broken.

"Is…is this what you want?" she whispered, her fist clenching as tears threatened to make an appearance. "You just want to push me away?"

He was quiet only for a moment. "I want you to obey my orders, which you have yet to do." He was not referring to the current order just given, but the one he had made for her to forget her feelings for him. "Never the less, this is neither the time nor the place to discuss this."

"Commander please…." She took several steps toward his brooding figure. Death was the last thing on her mind. She just did not want to lose him this way. "I want to help you achieve your goals. Your dreams for the future are my dreams too! I can't help if you don't let me follow you!"

He rotated his entire body to face her. He wore the same calculating expression, but the aura around him had changed completely as he stared down at her. "Do you think of your brother often?" He asked suddenly, surprising her greatly.

"Sir?"

"Answer the question." He demanded, blue eyes digging into her very soul as he waited for her response.

"O-of course. All the time." She could only stare back him in confusion. Why bring Daniel up?

The next question was even more shocking. "Do you think about how he died?" The way he spoke in that deep monotone of his made the question sound almost cruel. She took a step back from him as she tried to process exactly what he was trying to tell to her. "Do you?"

"Yes."

It was difficult not to think about the manner of his death considering her current position. She would see it when she had to witness a fellow comrade being devoured. At times when she closed her eyes to sleep, she could see her brother's face contorted with fear an agony in the jaws of the titan's mouth.

"You had said that I was the reason you were able to live again." He said, haunted by a distant memory. "But I am the reason you were in a deep despair in the first place. Your brother took my place in death."

She was stunned into silence and tension grew thick. The wind blew around them as they stood on that roof. Alex replayed his words, trying to comprehend this very horrific, unexpected discovery.

"I don't understand." She uttered eyes wide and pleading for answers.

"I was badly injured at the time, and my gear was damaged. I was helpless." He said, looking past her as he recalled the moment that was so long ago. "Your brother had come to my aid, despite given orders to retreat. He was able to get the titan's attention away from me, but another had shown up...He was ripped apart before my eyes." He watched as the tears flowed down her cheeks. "I was able to use his horse to escape."

Her lips were parted but she could not speak. Even if she wanted too, she could not make use of her voice or even think of what words to say, or how to react to this. Emotions ran wild as memories of her brothers' wisdom and smile ran through her head. The man she dedicated herself to claimed to be responsible for his death.

"Now that you know the truth…Do you still wish to follow me?"


My god, this chapter took forever to get out. Next chapter will be better :]