Disclaimer: I don't own the Vampire Diaries. Obviously.
Author's Note: This story contains Damon-torture. But I swear I don't treat him any worse than the producers do! Hmm... that doesn't say much for my record on hot vampire rights though does it?
TVD Season 3 in a nutshell
"Grrr argh I'm having so much fun ripping people apart! Whee!"
"Uh, Stefan, we need to tone it down a bit, sorry," said Julie Plec.
"But I finally get to have fun! Be evil and crazy! Seriously, you owe me this after two seasons of being the most boring lead character on TV!"
"We're letting you have fun – by Stefan standards. But we need to remind our audience that you're still mushy-gooey perfect St Stefan even though you're now a bloodthirsty monster. So we're going to have you be a self-sacrificing martyr and good-guy hero while you rip some throats out at the same time."
"How the hell does that even work?"
"We will find a way. We always do," she said. "We can't have Damon looking good by comparison now can we?"
*Several scenes of Stefan as a mass-murderer with a heart*
"Ooh, my boyfriend is doing such bad and evil things!" moaned Elena.
"You'll get over it," said Damon.
"Yeah, I know. He's kind of cute with blood dripping all over his mouth like that, isn't he?"
"Are you sure you're a normal seventeen-year-old girl and not some cyborg from Planet Nuts?"
"I'm not sure. Julie hasn't told me what we're doing for Season Four yet."
"How are you doing now that almost all of your family are dead and it's mostly your fault?"
"I'm fine. Most girls my age would have gone insane from all the death and guilt by now, but I sail through it with my hyper-mature and responsible attitude that makes people twice my age look like self-indulgent wallowers."
"I'm putting fifty bucks on you being a cyborg."
"I'm feeling so guilty, because you and I are getting like, closer, while we try to save Stefan. I might actually like you, for real, not just those lies I told you when you were dying."
"Thanks," said Damon sarcastically. "You're all heart, Elena."
"Honey, I'm home!" yelled Stefan, walking in with a deer slung around his neck. "All better, see?"
Elena ran to him and pulled him into a long kiss.
"Oh baby! I love you so much!"
"I love you too! Mmmm, let's take this upstairs. Oh, hi Damon."
"Nice to see you too, asshole," Damon muttered.
Stefan and Elena were holding hands and heading for the stairs when Elena turned around.
"Oops! I almost forgot to tear Damon's heart out! Sorry, Julie!" she said. "Damon, I really like you as a friend and thanks for being great while Stefan was gone, but he's back now, and well, you know the rules. It will always be Stefan!"
Damon looked crushed. "Can we please not ever say those words again? I could really go for the rest of my centuries-long undead life without ever hearing them again."
"Aww, you will always be my friend, Damon. You can come visit me with Stefan when I'm eighty and living in a retirement home."
"I knew I shouldn't have signed that contract written in blood," Damon muttered. "Never trust an entertainment lawyer."
"Well, Tyler and I had fun this season," Caroline piped up chirpily.
"You just wait til next season, Blondie," Damon told her.
"You don't think they'd ruin my relationship with Tyler just like they did with Matt, do you?"
"What sort of crack are you on and where do I get some?" he asked.
"They ruin everybody's relationships," moaned Alaric.
"God, you still have sour grapes? At least you got to keep a girlfriend for like, almost a season and a half," Jeremy snapped. "My record is like, five episodes."
"Hey, you got a three-for-one deal this season, shut up," replied Ric.
"You can all shut up. I never get any," said Liz Forbes.
"So which one of us is dying in the season finale this year?" asked Bonnie.
"How about we kill you all and have Season Four be all about you being replaced by cyborgs and seeing if anyone notices?" Julie said.
"Oh come on, no one would notice. This is Mystic Falls. We must have the highest murder rate per capita of anywhere in the United States and still no one suspects a thing," said Damon.
"Yeah, that reminds me, the coroner is due for another pay rise," mused Liz.
"And I have to get more land zoned to expand the cemetery," said Carol Lockwood.
"Didn't you die? We're running out of minor characters to kill that anyone actually knows or cares about," Julie said to Carol.
"Why don't you kill those trashy Donovans instead?"
"Oh, you're all just grist for the writer's mill," said Julie. "I want to see how long we can string out this shit with Klaus and the Originals."
"Two whole seasons? You're pushing it already, honey," said Damon.
"I'm pretty sure I can get three, at least."
"Didn't you promise me some sorority girls this season?" Damon asked.
"I said maybe. And you got to drink your body weight in bourbon while you were mooning over never being able to have Elena's love."
"That wasn't fun!"
"Speaking of fun, I don't suppose I could go on another murder spree next season?" asked Stefan hopefully.
"You've had your character development allowance for the next five years."
"When do I get some character development?" asked Bonnie and Elena at the same time.
"There's not a hell of a lot we can do with either of you, to be honest," said Julie. "Elena's stock in trade is thinking that ancient badass vampires will do whatever she wants if she bats her eyelashes at them, and Bonnie is a function rather than a character."
"Maybe I could get some brains, and Bonnie could get some emotions?" said Elena.
"Hmm… No."
"Can I become an alcoholic next season?" slurred Alaric, holding a bottle of Southern Comfort.
"You're already halfway there, Ric. Oh, I have such great plans for you all! Roll on Season 4!" said, Julie, grinning enthusiastically.
