Sorry it took such a long time, I had Author's Block in a way that was decidedly not funny. Disclaimer: Quick, kill the monster before it tries to sell us health insurance!


Don't ask me how, but right now I am in a beautiful meadow. It's strange, how one could be in a horrid castle basement one moment and a beautiful meadow the next, and I have the feeling I know how it's happened, but right now I'm too thrilled to care much about such things.

"Welcome," called a man. "I am a peaceful monk." He threw his arms out and I heard a gunshot and somewhere, off in the distance, someone shrieked, "I'm hit!" Then came a thud, and an awkward silence.

Finally the monk said, "So sorry about that; I thought I had the silencer attached."

I was wondering just what kind of peaceful monk this was. I didn't get to ask, however, because the not-so-peaceful monk continued his obviously rehearsed monologue.

"Welcome to the Wonderful Entrancing Meadow of Perfect Peace & Ordinarily Obtainable Perfection. Or W.E. M.O.P. P.O.O.P, for short."

"We mop poop?" I repeated, blinking.

"Well, we try to, when it happens," the monk explained. "With all the peaceful bears and peaceful rabid squirrels, it's hard to, you know, 'impart bathroom hygienic rules,' if you catch my whiff—I mean, drift."

All of a sudden, I realized what my feeling was trying to tell me. "I'm dreaming, aren't I?"

A giant tree leaned down, laid his branches on my shoulders, and gave me a big smile. "You bet yer britches, little buddy," he said, sounding disturbingly like John Wayne.

"Well, while you're delusional, why don't you enjoy all the W.E. M.O.P. P.O.O.P. you can." He raised his arms grandly and his sleeves fell back, revealing several kitchen knives strapped to his arms. Along with two scalps on either elbow.

The monk quickly dropped his arms, covering his weapons. "Sorry about that," he said. "I had erroneously believed that I had cashed in those bounties. Oh, well." With that, he skipped off into the sunset, which he shot on his way out.

Whatever it was I ate before bedtime, I hereby vow never to touch again. This is way wrong on multiple levels.

I looked around, trying to figure out to get out of this crazy place. There were dancing bears eating singing bumblebees while the Dogwood trees chased the Catfish up…well, themselves. One of the trees ran right into me and knocked me into the singing brook. A waterfall appeared out of nowhere and said, "Luigi? Wake up! Gah, you're sitting in the drinking water!"

What the…

"Get off your lazy bum and out of the water! The last thing this stuff needs is more deadly pollutants!"

The meadow and all it's insane inhabitants disappeared and my eyes opened, revealing the fact that I was sitting—inside a vat of sewage.

"Come on, come on," Yoshi moaned. "We need to ration that stuff! You've already drunk enough to sink an elephant! Or flood a sewage tank."

So that's what that unique taste in my mouth was. Wait…I had been drinking…

"BLAGH!!!"

"Aw, man, Luigi! You totally barfed in the water! Now it's got little pre-chewed carrots in it! I hate carrots! I can't drink that now! You ruined everything!"

I stumbled out of the sewage, feeling light-headed and kind of dizzy. Yoshi paid me no mind; he just stayed on his side of the basement happily going mad.

"STUPID LUIGI!!! STUPID CARROTS!!! STUPID ANIME COMIC BOOKS!!! CURSE YOU ALL!!!" Yoshi shrieked rushing to the door. "AND YOU, STUPID DOOR!!! I SHAKE MY FIST AT YOU!!!" Performing the said action, Yoshi continued. "I SPIT ON YOU!!!" Again, Yoshi made good his claims. "I KICK YOU!!!!"

Yoshi kicked the door and with a sad, betrayed sounding groan, it creaked open. Yoshi stared at it, blinking slowly. "Oh," he said finally. "You're supposed to push it open."

I cannot believe this dinosaur, who I had trusted in blind, misguided faith, could be so incredibly inept. I glared at him and walked out the door, the happy Yoshi behind me.

Luckily, there was a warp pipe behind the castle that would take me home so I could change my sewage-covered clothes. Too bad my hat isn't replaceable.

"Look at this, Yoshi," I said, bemoaning the fate of my beloved hat. "I'll never be able to get this smell out. And there isn't another hat like it in the whole wide world."

"Sure there is," Yoshi said. "I got one right here." He showed me his hat, a proud smile on his face.

"Yoshi," I said, rolling my eyes. "That's not a cap. That's a fedora that you painted green and slapped on a white L in the middle. And the L is sideways, by the way."

"But…I worked so harrrrd." Yoshi moaned. "It took me eleven whole minutes to fix this up for you! That's eleven minutes of my life that I will never get back! You don't appreciate anything I do for you!"

"Oh, if it means that much to you, give it here," I sighed. Yoshi grinned and handed me the fedora. "Incidentally," I continued, "How'd you find this fedora, anyway?"


ELSEWHERE IN THE BIG, WIDE WORLD…

"Hey Marion, have you seen my fedora? I had it right here in this conspicuous location where a small dinosaur could easily reach it and cart it off to paint it green!"

"Indiana, you can't possibly tell me you can find the Ark of the Covenant, the Holy Grail, and a creepy living Crystal Skull, and you can't find your own cap!"

"For the last time, it's a fedora! Now get off my case, woman!"

"Would you two stop yelling at each other?! It's all you've done since you've got married!!!"

"SHUT UP MUTT!!!"

"Don't you yell at my baby!"

"YOU SHUT UP, TOO!!!"


BACK TO OUR PREVIOUSLY HATLESS PLUMBER…

"Well, you'd better appreciate it. Because somewhere, there's a lot of strife because of that hat."

I gave Yoshi a double-take. "What are you talking about?"

"Just put the hat on," Yoshi muttered.

I shrugged and put the hat on my head. I felt a squishy feeling and my whole body seemed to deflate. "Yoshi?" I asked.

"Hmm?"

"The paint wasn't dry, was it?"

"No, but don't worry. That's not paint. It's actually—"

"I don't want to know!" I shrieked, instinctively knowing I would vomit again should he tell me what I had shoved my head in.

Yoshi shrugged. "Suit yourself," he said. "I got to get back to the castle. I heard a rumor that there where Anime comics and Twinkies stashed in the basement." With that, he turned and walked off, humming the theme of the Indiana Jones series, for some unexplained reason.

I watched him until he was out of sight, then I remembered I had my own mission to attend too. I'd better find Mario fast, before I fell asleep again. The last thing I wanted was another night in W.E. M.O.P. P.O.O.P. with that crazy monk. And I had a feeling, that when our personalities got straightened out, the monk would go back to Mario's deranged imagination, where he belonged.

It was just one more reason to find Mario, and fast.


RR, please.