7: Why Don't You Love Me?
4 months earlier…
Rick and Michonne returned from their tryst in the woods, both feeling a strange and contradictory mixture of guilt and joy. Rick had just cheated on the woman he called his wife, which was something he'd never even considered before. But he also never thought she would abandon him in the times he needed her most, and yet, she had done that continually in the past year.
Michonne walked back to the church, expecting to feel pangs of regret when she saw Lori again. But as much as she knew it was wrong, she probably would've done the same thing again, if given the chance. She'd spent an entire year being unhappy. If it wasn't mourning her son and boyfriend, it was fighting for her life, or wishing she could have saved Andrea. But Rick had somehow changed all that, by making her feel, not just needed, but wanted. He was right when he told her she deserved better, and there he was.
The church was nearly pitch black when they walked in. Michonne had lit a few candles before leaving, but now, just one in the corner remained. She knew Daryl had probably left that one up for when they returned. Rick found Carl curled up on the floor, next to the seat where Judith slept. He'd draped his shirt over his sister, obviously leaving him cold. Rick quickly and quietly found a tablecloth to cover his son, and began to sit down next to him.
"Where's Lori?" Michonne whispered in confusion. Daryl was snoring just a few feet away, but their mother was nowhere in sight.
Rick didn't want to care, but despite everything, she was the mother of his children, so he had to. "You get yourself some rest," he told Michonne quietly. "I'll look for her."
He slowly walked toward the back of the church, where a couple of offices were held, doing his best not to wake anyone with his footsteps. One door was open, so he peered inside, finding nothing but an empty desk. He carefully went to the next room, opening it to find Lori sitting on the couch inside. It was clear she had been crying, but he didn't care to know the reasons. Seeing that she was there and alive was sufficient for him. He turned to close the door.
"Rick, please wait," she called out to him in a normal tone.
He looked back to make sure she hadn't awoken anyone, and came in to shut them inside. "You're loud," he warned her in a hushed voice. "Everyone's asleep out there."
"Sorry," she whispered back.
He didn't understand why she was suddenly so subdued. After her attack on him a few hours earlier, he thought she would have still been firing on all cylinders. "I just came to see if you were here. I didn't mean to wake you."
She nodded, though he could barely recognize it in the darkness of the room. "I wasn't sure where you went. I wasn't asleep," she confessed.
"Hoping I'd gone off to die?" he asked bitingly. Everything she said to him had come crashing back down on his psyche once he was in the same room with her again. When he was with Michonne, it seemed to silence Lori's words for a while, but being around her just amplified them.
She sighed heavily, knowing that she would have to answer for what she'd said. Even for a heat of the moment moment, she said some truly heinous things, and she knew that. She had been drunk with anger, but it was a sobering experience to have him leave and not immediately come back. "Rick, I'm sorry."
"Lori…"
"I know," she returned. She understood, probably better than he did, that she wouldn't be able to fix this with an apology. "I was so consumed with anger at that man," she whispered. "You didn't deserve that."
"Yeah, but you've been angry at me, too, for a long time now. Like I'm the one that started this whole thing."
"No. It's not that."
"It's a lot of things," he nodded. "I know. But I'm not your punching bag."
"Look, I know I've been a shitty wife, and I'm not winning any mother of the year awards, but I need you to know…" She trailed off when it looked as though he had tuned her out. "Rick, I need you to know that I didn't mean any of those things I said."
"You did," he nodded again. "And that's fine if that's how you feel."
"It's not," she maintained. "I needed someone to blame, and you were the easiest target."
"You should be more careful with your words then," he advised coolly. "A string of some that don't mean much to you can stick with someone for a lifetime. I don't know how you haven't learned that yet." He watched her stand from the couch and walk towards him, but he immediately backed away. "Don't come over here, Lori."
She continued anyway, reaching out to him, despite his protestations. "I really am sorry." She stopped when she saw that he was so determined to get away from her, he backed into the door. She closed her eyes and dropped her head disappointedly. But she got it. "I trust you with my life," she promised, looking up at him again. "I do. You're so much stronger than any one person should have to be."
"You say that now…" He smiled sarcastically at the fact that she was trying to change her tune all of a sudden. Perhaps after realizing that a life on the road would be nearly impossible without him. "Maybe because you think that's what I wanna hear. But I stopped looking for support from you a long time ago." He rested his hand on the doorknob, glancing at the wedding ring garnishing his left hand. It used to represent so much to him; used to conjure up real feelings for the woman behind him. Now, it was just decoration. It was a reminder that he was married to someone who made him feel like he was hard to love. He looked back at her one more time before opening the door. "We'll be leaving for Terminus in the morning."
He didn't stay to hear her response, but headed back into the sanctuary to get some rest. Michonne was lying next to Judith on the wooden seating, so he took the floor beneath her, with Carl. With a big sigh, he nestled in close to his son and let his eyes fall closed. What a fucking day.
The walk to Terminus was long. Nearly twenty miles from the prison, along a set of railroad tracks; and with barely any food or water to work with, it felt endless really. But Rick was so relieved to have his kids, Michonne, and Daryl, he was okay with the trek. Especially if it meant safety was waiting on the other side.
But those hopes quickly began to fade as he looked into the sky and saw a cloud of black smoke billowing into the air where Terminus was supposedly located. He slowed his gait significantly so that Michonne could catch up to him. "You see that?" he asked her, continuing his walk by her side.
"You think that's Terminus?" she gathered, having seen the smoke herself. She couldn't even bring herself to be disappointed, even if it was. Just curious, more than anything. After the night before, she just didn't have a reason to be sad in that moment.
"Most likely."
"The smoke is black, which means it's still burning. So whatever happened, happened recently."
"Or is happening right now," he concurred with a sigh.
"So it could be people from the prison."
That had been his first assumption, but whether they were in trouble or the ones causing it was anyone's guess. "Could be."
"What do you wanna do?"
"We get as close as we can," he shrugged. "See what we can see."
"Okay," she nodded seriously, letting him know that she trusted him. She looked back to see how close the others were, and then back to him. "You okay?"
"Yeah," he sent back a small smile, assuring her that he was at peace with everything that had happened. Everything. He hoped she was, too.
"I'm okay," she confirmed, using just those two words to let him know that she didn't regret their night together in any way, shape, or form. "But we won't be if we keep this up."
He looked back to also examine the group, seeing that Daryl and Carl were out of earshot. Lori was even further. "I know," he whispered with a sad nod. "I know."
"But I'm glad we had last night."
"Me too," he smiled back at her. He softly placed a hand on each of her shoulders as he passed behind her, on his way to talk to Daryl, causing a shiver throughout her body.
They continued their march towards Terminus, Rick explaining the situation to Daryl and Carl, and what was likely their best course of action. But all of that had proven fruitless once they got close to the place and crossed paths with a whole slew of their people – Carol, Glenn, Maggie, Beth, Sasha, Tyreese. Just a few right moves and the gang was back together again.
As everyone reunited, thankful that they only had to spend a couple of days apart, Rick stood alongside Carl, holding Judith, taking in the entire scene. It felt good to see his people smile. Even with the irretrievable loss of Hershel, they were all finding a way to be happy, encouraging him to be the same. But then, he glanced to the train tracks to see Lori sitting by herself, pretending to be the outcast, for whatever reason. She really had no idea when things were good, it seemed.
He and Judith walked over to her, hesitant as he was to speak to her again after everything that had happened the night before. But they'd just won big, and it was time to move on. "You all right?" he questioned, standing over her.
She quickly used the tail of her shirt to wipe her face, then looked up at her husband and daughter, brushing her long bangs from her eyes. "Yep."
"Can we talk for a minute?"
She pulled herself from her seat on the ground to acquiesce his unexpected request. Together but silently, the two of them walked a few more feet in the opposite direction of everyone else, Lori's mind racing with questions about what he could possibly have to say.
"For the record," he finally began, once he felt they were far enough from the group, "I don't think you're a bad mother." He looked down at Judith, who looked up at him with the most beautiful, curious face, and began to rub her back gently. "She's proof of that."
She smiled sadly at the faint praise, her eyes drifting to the trees as she replied, "Wife is a different story, I guess."
He looked at her peculiarly, wondering if she really wanted him to respond to that.
"For better or worse, right," she went on with a simultaneously wistful and sarcastic chuckle. "I mean, what are we gonna do? Hire lawyers, and get divorced, and split our assets?"
He couldn't help but laugh at that, because it was so heartbreakingly true. How was he supposed to leave her? Literally, how? But he could barely look at her. How could he not?
"I thought maybe you were coming over to talk about us." Her eyes watered as her words materialized. As she realized she probably put the final stake in her marriage when she lashed out at him the night before. "Maybe there's nothing to talk about anymore."
He nodded, still keeping his eyes on his daughter. It was the truth – he had nothing to say anymore. It was the most painful thing in the world, coming to terms with the fact that he just couldn't love this woman. "I'm gonna keep you safe, Lori," he promised hoarsely. "As the mother of my kids, I owe you that much."
"You don't."
"You're right. I owe them that much," he corrected himself. "But that's all I can do for you."
She understood that. After everything she had put him through, she understood that better than anyone. She had taken him for granted. She pushed him to his breaking point, and then was disappointed when he actually broke. She did this, and she knew that. It was a surprise he was still even standing there. "Maybe… maybe somewhere down the road, we can figure out how to fix this," she suggested, tears rolling rapidly down her face. "I can fix this."
He held Judith firmly in his left arm, while using his right hand to slowly pull off his wedding ring. He handed it over to Lori so she would understand that that wasn't an option. This was about keeping her alive and nothing more. "I'm grateful to you. For saving Judith," he returned, dropping the band into her hand.
She nodded as the tears came harder now. He was so cold, so impersonal. She could still feel his fingers on hers, even though he had already walked away. His ring was still warm, having been on his hand for over 14 years now. All that time, all the love he'd given her, amounted to her standing there alone.
A/N: Sorry this one's a little short. It was supposed to be the last chapter, but I decided to split them up. So next chapter, you guys get a resolution to all this mess! Any chance Lori can fix this, like she hoped? Or is Rick just too far gone? Next time, on The Other Woman. Haha. -Ash
