I don't own SnK!
Chapter Warnings: Suicidal thoughts, flashbacks, night terrors
The Hunters
Chapter Six — Nightmares
I don't know if this occurred to you, so let me just say it: I have really great stamina.
I ran for an hour.
Not full speed mind you, but I kept a steady pace. Running clears my head, and I wanted nothing more than to disappear. Despite all the pain my body felt, the burning up my backside, how much it hurt to breathe, I needed to get the adrenaline out. I needed to erase the fear so that I felt numb, I felt empty, and soon I figured that not existing for a while would be great. I just wanted everything to go away.
Eventually, I wound up back at the police station. I'd run about four miles, and maybe I should have run back to the hotel, but I wasn't ready to see Levi, so I just ran in circles until I was too tired and ran out of options. I didn't have money for a bus, and calling up Levi seemed like a terrible idea. 'Sorry for being a prick. Please come get me.' Yeah fucking right.
I decided that if Commander Erwin were still around, I could ask him pretty please to take me home, not that I had one to go to. I didn't want to be alone. I didn't want to be with Levi. I didn't want anything, really.
"Eren?"
I turned around. "D-Dieter? What are you doing here?" I tried to smile pleasantly, but it probably looked more like I'd caught a whiff of something awful.
He brought a hand up to my cheek and stroked it softly. "I'm so glad you're safe. You look so tired. How are you feeling?"
I leaned into the touch. I felt so hot, and his hand was cool. "I feel all right," I lied. "You look tired too."
He laughed. "I was feeling fine until I had to come down here and give my official statement. But, I'm happy. They arrested Miss Rose and the others, and in a few days, I'll be back home."
I put my hand over his. "That's really great."
"Yeah." He paused. "Is there somewhere I can take you? You should really be resting."
"I'm really hungry," I realized. "I'm starving."
"Let's go somewhere, then."
We got hamburgers and sat in the grass. He told me about his time in the Junior Corps in high school. He'd never wanted to join; it was just so that his dad would accept him. I felt sorry for him, and I was kind of glad that my parents died before they had the chance to reject me. Maybe that's a terrible thought, but I don't think they'd have liked me very much.
"What did you do in high school, Eren?"
I shrugged. "I haven't been in a real school since the fifth grade. Anyway, I'm only fifteen."
He looked surprised. "Really? I...didn't realize you were so young."
I shrugged again. "Does that bother you?"
"Well, I...I try not to make a habit of fucking underage boys," he chuckled nervously.
I laughed genuinely. "I routinely fuck older men. So, if you're wondering whether it bothers me, well, you're in luck. I actually appreciate your youth."
"My youth? I'm twenty-one," he laughed.
"Younger than most of my clients," I nodded.
He cocked his head to the side. "Your clients?"
"Yeah, uh..." I felt that awkward ashamed feeling again. "I'm sort of...a prostitute? Ha, no, I mean, I am one. It's just...weird saying it out loud."
"But, Eren, don't your parents take care of you?"
I shook my head. "They died a long time ago. It's just been me. For a long time." Fuck, my chest hurt. "I don't really want to talk about it."
He nodded, and we were quiet for a while.
"So, uh...should I take you home?" We sat in his car, going nowhere. "I mean, do you have a place to go, or do you want to come to mine?"
I shrugged. "There's somewhere I'm staying, but if you want to go back to yours..."
He blushed, and I noticed that since I'd told him more about myself (namely, my age and my profession), he was acting shy. I missed the kind assertiveness he'd had when I first met him.
"I just don't want you to feel like you have to...I mean, we don't have to do anything like that...we can just hang out, un-unless you want to?"
I smiled. "Dieter, are you asking me to have sex?"
"N-no! I mean, I don't want you to feel like you have to."
"I know."
He nodded. "If you're sure...I'll have to go to the store first."
"That's fine."
"Sorry that it's nothing special," Dieter said, unlocking the door to his room. "The police are paying for it until my flight, so..."
It was simple, but still leagues above my own hole-in-the-wall. "This is fine, really." I slipped my sandals off and sat on the bed.
"Eren, are you sure?"
I nodded. "Why not? As long as you're gentle...I mean, I'm pretty sore, but..."
He sat beside me, but not close. "I'm just wondering if you can handle it."
"It's just sex, isn't it?"
"Is it? I don't know if I'd see it the same way after being raped."
"Do you think that Ian Dietrich is the first man to have done that?" I laughed darkly. "Not quite."
Dieter looked sad. "Eren..."
"I'm saying, do you want to fuck or not?"
He looked at me seriously and replied, "I want to show you what it's like to be loved."
I blushed and looked away, but he crept closer, pushing me back onto the bed. "How do you say things like that with a serious face?"
"Because I mean it," he whispered, pressing his lips to mine. They were soft, and he kissed me sweetly. I told myself I was fine, but I really felt nervous. It's true, that I was used to feeling violated and used, that I was no stranger to nightmares and sleepless nights, but that's how I deal with things: I either push them away and pretend they aren't there, or it's a trial by fire. When I was afraid of heights, I climbed up gradually higher things to teach myself that there was nothing to be afraid of. So, if Ian had made me afraid of sex, then I would fuck until it felt good again.
If only it were that easy.
Everything made me wince in pain. I had that gash on my cheek, my tongue piercing made kissing difficult, my throat was bruised, and one of the cuts on my collarbone even opened up again. We got as far as taking my shirt off when I started to shiver.
"Maybe we should just stop," Dieter said, grimacing. "You keep telling me you're fine, but I know I'm hurting you."
"It's fine," I said impatiently. If I couldn't even do this, then Ian would win.
"You're trembling."
"It's just cold in here," I lied. "Come on." I took one of his hands and pressed it in the middle of my chest.
"All right." Dieter licked at my nipples, and as long as it didn't press on the piercing too hard, it felt okay. He stroked my sides and I started to relax again. I didn't close my eyes. I had to reassure myself that it was just Dieter. Dieter wouldn't hurt me.
He sat up and looked down at me, his fingers tracing down from my navel (ow, again, fucking piercings) to the hem of my pants. He started to unbutton them and whispered, "Fuck, you're pretty."
I very nearly lost it then. My whole body froze, and all I could think about was Ian, touching me and hurting me and I couldn't breathe and the world was closing in around me and—
"Eren? Eren! Shit, I'm sorry. Eren, are you okay?"
"Yeah," I panted hard, trying to get enough air. "I just—I remembered something. It's not your fault."
Dieter eyed me warily. "You can't handle this."
I wiped some wetness away from my eyes. "I can! Just trust me. Just—don't say anything." I really wanted it to work.
"...Okay. But if you freak out one more time, that's it. I don't want to do anything that'll hurt you."
I nodded. "I promise, I won't freak out again."
It was a really hard promise to keep.
Dieter continued to undress me, and I shivered again. I put my hands on his shoulders so that he couldn't get too close and I kept looking at his face, trying to remind myself that this man wasn't Ian. But I kept seeing Ian's face and hearing his voice and feeling his touch. I was scared, my heart was beating out of my chest, and I wasn't even a little bit hard. Dieter stroked between my legs and I took deep breaths to calm down. My body eventually responded, but my brain was still in overdrive, and I almost lost it again when I felt his fingers slip into me.
I decided that maybe if I didn't focus on it, it would be okay. I stopped looking at Dieter and started looking at everything else in the room. The little shopping bag from the store we'd stopped at, the bottle of lube, the pack of condoms, the lint on the bedspread, the dust that collected on the lamp, the black scuff mark on the white wall—
"Eren, can I put it in?" Dieter's voice was strained.
"Yes," I breathed.
I don't really remember the rest.
Dieter cradled me gently, my back to his chest, and pressed kisses to the back of my neck and behind my ears. "Have you calmed down some?"
"Yeah," I croaked. I was embarrassed. I had cried hysterically for a while, and Dieter was being really nice, even though he was probably upset. I turned to face him, putting my hands on his chest. "I'm all right now," I smiled.
He stroked my face, avoiding the cut. "I'm sorry."
"No, it's not your fault. Besides, I think it helped a little."
He smiled. "You're a bad liar."
"Yeah," I replied. "So I've been told."
We held each other quietly for a while.
"You know, Eren," Dieter said softly, "you don't have to go back to being a prostitute."
I slipped my foot into my sandal, holding onto the wall for balance. "Sure I can. It's easy." That's what I said to him, but I was honestly terrified of going back to that life.
"Eren, stay with me." He sat up in bed, still naked. I sat back down beside him.
"You want me to spend the night? That's going to cost you," I joked, but I honestly would have. At this point, staying awake was a chore.
"No, I mean stay with me. Come to Minnesota. I'll take care of you." He put his arms around me. "We have a farm. My family will like you. You can take care of the chickens and make me dinner and I'll make love to you all night."
I laughed genuinely. "You want me to be your wife?"
"Doesn't it sound nice?"
I sighed. "It sounds nicer than this." But I'd rather live that beautifully simple life with someone else. As if that guy would ever settle down and make me his wife. Right.
"Why don't you sleep on it? You can let me know tomorrow."
"...You're really being serious, aren't you?"
Dieter laughed. "Of course!"
"You're going to think about it right?" Dieter asked. We sat in his car again, outside of the hotel where Levi was staying.
"Yes." I might as well. Once Levi left, there really wouldn't be anything for me in Arizona.
"Well, take care."
"You too." Every joint in my body groaned in disapproval as I exited the car and made my way back to Levi's room. Wherever that was. I didn't really remember. I took a wild guess based off of what my brain remembered and knocked on a door.
At first, I thought no one was there, but as soon as I decided to walk away, the door opened and I was pulled into an embrace.
"You fucking brat. I was worried sick, you know?"
"Hey, Corporal."
The dark-haired man glowered at me, pushing me back against the door that he'd slammed closed. "What the fuck is wrong with you? Running off like that. You need rest, idiot."
"Yeah." I felt exhausted again. "I need a bath." I must have really looked like hell after running around all day, having some of my wounds reopen and bleed, having marks left by Dieter. all in addition to what Ian and those sick fucks did.
"Sit down," Levi commanded, and he walked off into the bathroom.
"Just what the doctor ordered," I said, looking at the hot bubble bath. Levi grunted in response, sitting me down on the edge of the tub and starting to undress me. "I'm feeling deja vu, I think."
"You being a dumb brat and me taking care of it? Sounds familiar." He sounded pissed, but something told me that he was happy to see me again.
"Corporal, did you think I wasn't going to come back?"
He took a few moments to answer. I slid into the tub and watched him fold my clothes. "I figured you wanted a little time alone, but it's been fucking hours. I thought you got kidnapped again."
I laughed. "I'm not that easy. Could I have some credit?"
Levi scoffed. "You have to earn that, you little shit."
"I'll definitely prove myself to you," I replied seriously.
"Yeah." He started to scrub me gently with a washcloth, and at first I tensed up, but there wasn't anything sexual about the touch, and I started to relax. To my surprise, he was being really careful around my wounds.
"You'd make a good dad, you know?"
"That's fucking gross. Don't say shit like that." He pulled one of my legs up out of the water.
"Huh? Don't you like kids?"
"I don't care about that. But don't allude to me being your father. We had sex once, didn't we?"
I laughed. "I know. But it's getting to be like that. You taking care of me all the time."
He dropped my leg unceremoniously back into the water. "You keep fucking yapping, you can just do this shit yourself."
"No, no. That's fine. Please continue." I don't think my body would have even moved out of the way of a train in that moment.
"Hm." He started to wash my other leg when we heard a knock on the front door. Levi looked at his watch and muttered something under his breath before going to answer it.
I heard the door open and Levi said flatly, "What?"
"Your check."
"Great. Bye."
"Levi, we need to talk."
"I don't think so."
"Levi. I'm not asking."
There was a pause, and then I heard footsteps and the door closing.
"I'm busy," Levi said as he appeared in the doorway of the bathroom.
"It shouldn't take long." Levi sat back on the edge of the tub and Commander Erwin stepped inside.
I sank deeper into the water as red rose to fill my cheeks. "Evening, sir."
Erwin sighed and facepalmed as Levi started to wash my arms. "Levi, you're making my point before I've even said anything."
"Which would be?"
"That you cannot have a teenager hanging around. It's inappropriate."
"How exactly?" I had to resist the urge to laugh. Levi was being as unemotional as ever, and it was getting a rise out of Erwin.
"Didn't it occur to you that it might be a little not okay to bathe him?"
"Parents bathe their children, right?" I was going to start laughing, but Levi's fingers threaded through my hair and I lost the ability to form words.
"When they're young children, sure. Also, Eren is not your child, and he's too old to be."
"Is he? Brats his age are already having children. Who's to say that I didn't?"
Erwin sighed, crossing his arms. "You're ridiculous. You really are."
"Does that mean we're done here?"
"No, Levi. You can't have him on as an apprentice. It's a liability. No offense, Eren."
"None taken, sir," I replied.
"Erwin, I'm keeping him," Levi said with a sense of finality.
"He's not a dog, Levi. You can't just decide to keep him."
"Of course I can. Right, Jaeger?" I barked in response.
"Levi." It was clear that the Commander was trying not to roll his eyes in incredulity. "It's dangerous. He's not legally old enough to accompany you. There are lots of reasons."
"He can take care of himself."
"Eren, where'd you get all those injuries? How did you get hurt?"
"I…" I had no idea how to answer.
"Ian Dietrich," Levi interjected.
There was a slight pause. "You let a kid get close enough to an international criminal for that to happen? You're lucky that it isn't worse!"
"It's much worse, Erwin," Levi said coolly. "You don't have any idea."
Erwin looked pale. "Levi, please. This can't happen again. Don't you care about what happens to him?"
"Of course I fucking care!" Levi's voice echoed off of the tiled walls and I sank deeper into the warm water, hoping to disappear. "You don't have any clue what's going on, Erwin, so just trust that he needs to be with me right now."
"What he needs is to be checked out at a hospital, evaluated by a psychiatrist, and taken care of by his parents. Let me take him home."
"I'm the closest thing he has to a parent, Erwin. I'm the only one who gives a damn what happens to him."
Erwin sighed again. "Levi, how about we talk about this out there and let Eren finish up?"
Levi turned his cold glare on me, willing me to decline, but instead I said, "Go ahead, Corporal. I'll be fine alone." If they were going to talk about me like I wasn't there, they might as well do it somewhere else.
Levi came back in after a long time. Long enough that I fell asleep and woke up in freezing water.
"Stupid brat. You let the water get cold."
I yawned, "It's your fault, isn't it? You shouldn't have taken so long." I smiled, just messing around. He didn't seem to be in the mood, though. Maybe that was to be expected. Was he really ever? "Corporal? What is it?"
"Get dressed," he said quietly, setting a canvas bag down beside me. I recognized it as one I'd gotten for free when visiting a store's grand opening.
I sloshed the water around as I sat up and reached for it. "Is this mine? Where did you get this?" I started pulling stuff out.
"It's...what's left."
"What's...left?" I stopped and stared up at him. "What does that mean?"
"The place you were staying...most of it burned down around three in the morning. So, I went and got what was still there."
I looked down. I didn't have lots of stuff, but it was still mine. A sweatshirt, a couple pairs of underwear, and a pair of jeans. "That's it?" I was trying not to be too sad about it. It was just stuff, but I felt overwhelmingly sad. The only things I had left were here.
"Those are all the clothes that were still wearable. I also found a book, some money...a few other things. But it looks like I wasn't the first person to rummage through there. It seems that some of the other...undesirables staying there went looking for things to salvage."
I nodded. "I kept most of my cash in the back of the fridge. Junkies like to break into other people's rooms. They never thought to look in there."
Levi shook his head. "The fridge and microwave were not there."
"Someone boosted them, huh?" I sighed. "I guess that's fine. I can make it with this, for now."
"Look, Eren..." I blushed. Had he ever called me by my first name before? He sighed. "Just get ready for bed." I stood up and he wrapped a towel around me.
"Thank you, Corporal."
I heard the door open quietly. "Eren? Are you all right?"
"Y-yeah. I'm all right." I felt a little sick. I was shivering and sweating and the dark room was suffocating. I'd kicked most of the bedding off, but squeezed the remaining pillow tightly in my hands.
Levi came in and turned the light on, thankfully. I sucked in a deep breath and the air tasted sweet. "Do you need anything?"
"...Come sit with me?" I sounded pitiful. Levi sat next to me on the bed and pried on of my clammy hands off the pillow, stroking it gently. I didn't look up at him.
"What happened?" He handed me a bottle of water he kept on the nightstand.
"Had a nightmare," I stammered, fumbling to get the bottle open, but my hands were shaking pretty bad.
He took it from me. "Let me."
"L-Levi," I whimpered.
He looked at me and there was emotion on his face. Sadness. It broke my heart. He put the bottle aside and wrapped his arms around me. "It's okay. You're fine. I'm here."
I cried in his arms until I fell asleep.
