A/N: Episode tag to The Arabian Affair. And dialogue fic. Because I like dialogue fic. Hope it works.
"It's good to be back somewhere with air conditioning, isn't it?"
"..."
"I think the flight's diverted via Paris. Hopefully that means some pretty mademoiselle will join us for the last leg."
"..."
"Have you finished your coffee?"
"..."
"Fine. Fine. I get the hint."
"..."
*tuneless whistling*.
"Really, Napoleon?"
"Ah, you see? I knew you'd have to talk to me eventually."
"If only to tell you to be quiet."
"You've been sulking since Abu Dhabi."
"You want me to talk to you yet you accuse me of sulking? It's like being partnered with a child. One who demands constant attention."
"A child... Who was just giving who the silent treatment exactly?"
"I was not giving you the 'silent treatment', I was merely not dignifying any of your inane remarks with a response."
"Po-tay-to, po-tah-to."
"No one actually says po-tah-to."
"How long are you planning on being angry with me?"
"I am surprised the idea bothers you."
"Illya - "
" - a quarter of a camel. That is what I am worth to you."
"Be fair, she talked me back up to half a camel."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Alright, I'm prepared to accept that wasn't as helpful as I'd hoped. Look, tovarisch, you know what Mr Waverly said about budget constraints. Our expense claims - "
" - I do not go on your expense claims, Napoleon!"
"Technically, you do this week."
"This is why I am not speaking to you."
"Technically, you are."
"No, I am arguing with you. An altogether different proposition."
"And not nearly as much fun for me."
"You should have thought of that - "
" - before I tried to talk her down to a quarter of a camel. Yes, I know. Look. You know the whole thing is ridiculous. I don't happen to believe that a human being can be bought for any number of camels, and neither do you. This was simply the fastest way to untangle you from your, uh, 'hosts'."
"That was a very nice speech, my friend."
"Thank you."
"But you did not do it because you do not believe in slavery. And you didn't do it on account of our budget. You did it because it amused you. Hence, my value to you is demonstrably a quarter of a camel. And a cheap laugh."
"I don't believe I'm having this conversation."
"I don't believe you traded me for a quarter of a camel."
"Half a...never mind. I don't believe you pretended to be the son of Lawrence of Arabia."
"There was an opportunity. I took it."
"Sneaky Russian."
"I felt it was better than being swapped for a camel. Of course, as it transpired - "
" - yes, I know. Half a camel. This really bothers you, doesn't it?"
"That I go missing in one of the most inhospitable places on earth for a week, am presumably given up for dead while in reality I am grievously injured and captured by those intent on selling me into slavery, and when I finally manage to meet up with you – my partner, my superior agent and my supposed best friend – you are intent on finding out just how little you can afford to pay to get me back? No. Why would that bother me?"
"..."
"..."
"How's your leg?"
"Throbbing. Thank you."
"I didn't give you up for dead, you know. Not for a second."
"Hmmm."
"And you know I did go to the bother of figuring out a whole new aspect of THRUSH's MO, and turning a previously loyal THRUSH employee in order to get you back."
"Your commitment is exemplary."
"But not, somehow, enough to get me off the hook."
"..."
"Alright. You're worth more than a quarter of a camel."
"Thank you, Napoleon, however my own estimation of my worth is not the matter under debate."
"You're really picky today, you know that? Alright. You're worth far more than a camel to me. Satisfied?"
"Thank you. Was that really so difficult?"
"Extraordinarily. You know, it's not like I would have just told her she could keep you if she hadn't been willing to negotiate."
"Yes. I know."
"You really can be very aggravating."
"And you can be very - "
" - yes. Yes, alright."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"I'm sorry."
"Thank you."
"The whole thing really was - "
" - oh, completely ridiculous. I am not denying that."
"What do you say to dinner when we get back? Maybe Benny's, or the Hummingbird, or maybe just getting some Chinese take out from that place down the street from me?"
"Your treat?"
"Ah. Well..."
"I knew it. You may have dinner with the other half of the camel. I have plans."
"Oh, really?"
"..."
"Illya."
"..."
"Illya..."
