I just can't keep hanging on to you and me
-Ellie Goulding
The journey to the Citadel was tense at best, beginning with Shepard yelling at the Illusive Man in the comm room. Joker could hear her all the way up on the bridge, though the only words he caught were "personal life" and a ton of others not fit for repeating. After that, she shut herself up in her cabin, only available through EDI and after she claimed the AI was giving her headache, not at all, her quarters a blackout zone.
In the rare times when Shepard was out of her quarters, she was roaming the hallways, snapping at anyone who got too close. She made sure the ship was running and everyone was doing their jobs, but she nearly reduced Yeoman Chambers to tears with a single look and eventually did reduce her to tears with some choice words, so Joker had Garrus calmly request she stay in her quarters until they reached the Citadel. She threw a book at him.
The only time she was guaranteed to stay in her quarters was when Kaidan was out and about. He had given up his consternation about the crew quickly enough when he got too hungry to stick it out, but he didn't speak to anyone except Garrus, Joker, and Dr. Chakwas. Still, the rumors spread like wildfire, until it was all Joker could do to avoid hearing about the best friends who became enemies, and the famous former Alliance hero turned traitor. It was all becoming too much.
Finally, he summoned Garrus to the cockpit. "I need your help. You're the only one who can talk to her."
"Uh, Joker, you were there when she threw that book at me, right? She told me to shut my mandibles, too - very rude."
"Well, get over it. She's got nobody else to talk to, and I'm pretty convinced she thinks I don't take her seriously."
Garrus rolled his eyes. "Wonder where she ever got that idea."
"Shut your mandibles, Vakarian."
"See, that's exactly how she said it! I knew you were listening."
Joker mimed throwing a book at him, and Garrus ducked out of the cockpit, heading for the elevator.
"Shepard, Garrus is here to see you."
Shepard looked up from her terminal, glaring. "He can announce himself, EDI, and if you don't mind, we'd like some privacy."
"Of course."
The door opened and Garrus poked his head inside, gazing at her warily. "Done playing target practice with my face?"
"I'm sorry," she said quickly, crossing the room. "Come in. I promise not to throw anything else." She reminded herself to arrange her face into a smile, to keep up the pretense that she was fine.
He did as she said, plopping down on one of the couches in the sitting area. "Wow, very nice. The aquarium is an interesting touch," he said, looking around. "Are these the rooms that all four billion credit projects get?"
She narrowed her eyes, sitting across from him. "This four billion credit project is seriously reconsidering that promise right about now."
Garrus laughed. "All right, all right. Look, I wanted to talk to you."
"I kind of figured, since you came all the way up here. What's up?"
"Well, it's the target practice. And the yelling. And the sniffling yeoman I passed on my way here." His face remained passive, but she still felt judged.
"Kelly's very sensitive," Shepard mumbled, looking away. "It's just… I feel like we can't get rid of Kaidan soon enough, you know? I'm all on edge, and as I've been reminded constantly by Joker and EDI, I can't even fire blanks on a ship, so there goes my stress reliever." She blushed slightly. Well, one of them anyway.
"Didn't you read a lot before, too? I distinctly remember your nose constantly buried in a book."
"Yeah, but all my books are gone. They were in my apartment on the Citadel and my mom cleaned it out. The only ones in the Starboard Observational Deck are boring, or books that I don't want to read because they remind me of…people."
"So which one did you throw at me?"
"A guide to settling the galaxy for new colonists." She shrugged. "I found it on my bedside table."
"Ugh."
"Exactly. So I'm trapped in here with nothing to relieve this tension, and I feel like I'm going crazy!" As if to illustrate her point, she suddenly jumped up and began pacing.
"Well, would you like me to tell you a story?"
Shepard glanced towards him. "What story?"
"Well, it's a memory, really. I was just thinking about it earlier." He settled in, one arm up on the back of the couch. "It's strange going into a suicide mission on a predominantly human ship. Your people don't prepare for high-risk operations the way turians do."
"We do a lot of things differently. For instance…" Her lips twitched. "We can swim."
Garrus sighed dramatically. "Are you ever going to let that go?"
"Probably not. I could teach you someday, if you wanted? No?" When Garrus just shook his head, she rolled her eyes. "Fine. Anyway, how do turian crews prep for high-risk missions?" She kept pacing, but less fervently, interested now.
"With violence, usually. Turian ships have more operational discipline than the Alliance, but fewer personnel restrictions. Our commanders run us tight, and they know we need to blow off steam. It's natural."
Shepard nodded, following along.
"Turian ships have training rooms for exercise, combat sims, even full-contact sparring. Whatever lets people work off stress."
Shepard stopped pacing, peering at Garrus intently. "You mean turian ships have crewmen fighting each other before a mission? Isn't that a bit dangerous?"
"It's supervised, of course. Nobody is going to risk an injury that interferes with the mission. And it's a good way to settle grudges amicably." Garrus smiled, leaning forward, clasping his hands together. "I remember right before one mission, we were about to hit a batarian pirate squad - very risky - and this recon scout and I had been at each other's throats all day. Nerves, mostly. She suggested we settle it in the ring."
"How'd that work out for you?"
"Pretty well. She and I were the top-ranked hand-to-hand specialists on the ship. I had reach but she had flexibility."
There was a joke in there somewhere, but Shepard ignored it. "That is a genius idea!" Now her pacing was excited, as she momentarily stopped paying attention to Garrus and began mumbling to herself, gesturing. "One of those would obviously be preferable, but since we don't - I mean, what could it really hurt?" Finally, she stopped, spinning around. "Garrus, will you fight me?"
"As long as you don't throw bad books in my face."
"No, no, no. Strictly hand-to-hand."
"Wait. Are you serious?"
"Of course! Did you miss the whole 'I'm going crazy' part? Besides, it'll help me calm down. Y'know, less collateral damage and all that."
He thought about it. "Hm. I don't know, Commander…"
"Oh come on, why not? Suicide mission, remember? We may not come back anyway." Suddenly she had an idea. "The least you can do is try to knock me on my ass before I die. Again. I mean, two lifetimes and you still haven't taken me down?"
"Try? I don't think so." Garrus took the bait, getting to his feet and pointing at her. "Meet me down in the shuttle bay in twenty minutes."
She nodded. "You're on, Vakarian."
Which is how she found herself twenty minutes later, sizing up Garrus across from her in the ring they'd taped on the floor. Surprisingly, there was an audience: Jack was slouched on a crate, looking bored and haughty; Grunt, the tank-bred krogan, stood nearby looking excited; and Jacob Taylor, former Alliance like both Shepard and Joker, wore an impassive face, arms crossed over his chest. Everyone else gathered was a Cerberus drone that Shepard had yet to learn the names of.
Two of them waved her over to the edge of the ring, a man and a woman. "Commander, I'm Gabby Daniels, and this is Ken Donnelly," the woman said, smiling. "We work down in engineering. We just wanted to wish you good luck!"
"Yeah," Donnelly said, his Scottish accent immediately recognizable. "Not that we don't like him, but kick his ass for us, will ya? We've got credits riding on you."
"Do you? I'm flattered. I'll try and get you your money's worth." Though she wore a smile on the outside, on the inside, she was teeming. Finally, she was going to get a chance to work the adrenaline out of her, to wring out all the confusion and hurt and unrest until there was nothing left but a blissfully empty exhaustion.
She had changed into her usual undergarment, a tank top made of advanced fiber weave. After wrapping her hands, she did some stretches, jumping up and down, looking over at Garrus.
"You ready for this, Archangel?"
He held out his arms. "I'm Garrus Vakarian, and this will be my favorite place on the Normandy after I kick Commander Shepard's ass." Several of the people watching laughed, including Jack.
Shepard bared her teeth. "Let's go, then."
They circled each other from the outside, slowly working their way in. They were pretty evenly matched: Just like in his story, Garrus had the reach, but she was quicker than him, dodging and rolling out of the way before he could land a real punch.
She finally got the first hit in, but it glanced off his arm. Still, everyone around cheered. "Come on, Garrus," Jack crowed, standing on her crate to see over the crowd. "Knock her on her ass."
"Yeah, Garrus," Shepard goaded. "Am I too quick for you?"
"No." Before she could move, he reached out, grabbing her arm and yanking her forward into a vicious punch, knocking her down. Some people in the crowd groaned.
Blinking stars out of her eyes, she was back on her feet, snapping with a sharp elbow to his face, knocking him unsteady. Using his unsteadiness, she attacked, striking out at every possible opportunity, driving him back. His parries were excellent, lightning-fast, there to stop every punch she threw at him, but she still had the upper hand. She ignored the crowd encircling them, ignored the rushing in her ears, ignored the pounding of her heart. She just kept going, kept fighting, kept pushing until-
Garrus' curled fist smashed into the side of her head, while he simultaneously kicked her in the back of the knees, sending her flying to the floor, nearly skidding out of the ring. She coughed, rolling over, her ears ringing as the crowd around them cheered loudly. Garrus strutted around where she lay on the ground, his arms up triumphantly. "That's right," he crowed. "What did I say? Did I not tell you that-"
Shepard kicked out, knocking Garrus' feet out from under him. He fell, halfway in, the other half of him outside the taped circle. Shepard clambered to her feet, looking down at him, her hands on her hips. "What was that you were saying, Vakarian?"
"I was just saying that...you win. This time." He was out of breath. "Maybe I should have known better than to go up against you, especially right now."
"Yeah." She tried to catch her breath, holding a hand to her side. "Maybe next time, I'll let you win."
"Next time, you won't have to."
Shepard offered him a hand, helping him up. They shook hands, and as Shepard went back to her side of the ring, she caught a glimpse of Donnelly and Daniels. They were grinning, waving at her excitedly. She waved back, giving them a thumbs up. For one of the first times since she'd been back, she felt like she could breathe a little easier.
"Dammit, Shepard," Jack snarled from beside her. "They tell you they bet on you?"
"Yeah. Why?"
"Because they bet me." Disgusted, Jack shoved her way through the crowd, throwing a rude hand gesture into the faces of the engineers.
Shepard rolled her eyes. Catching the towel Jacob threw at her, she wiped the sweat off her face. She almost smiled into the terry cloth, pressing it to her face, taking a deep breath, the fabric pressed to her nose and mouth. From beyond the towel, she heard the crowd slowly began to quiet. Shepard looked up, confused, turning to see what everyone was staring at.
Kaidan was standing in the ring, rolling up the sleeves of the dark grey shirt he was wearing. "Garrus has always gone pretty easy on you. Think you can take me instead?"
The slight relief she'd felt in her muscles vanished, instantly tensing up again, body reacting to him against her will. She looked him up and down, throwing the towel over her shoulder, folding her arms. She forgot the crowd was there, only focusing on him. "You sure you want to tangle with me?"
"Well, I've never been one to hit a girl, but you're the great Commander Shepard, so why not?"
"You're right," Shepard said, anger bleeding into her voice. "One dance is just like any other."
Kaidan's face was stony. "Then it shouldn't matter, should it?"
"Fine." Shepard tossed the towel back to Jacob, looking around at the crowd. "Who wants to see Commander Alenko and I go a round?" The shouts were hesitant at first, before growing louder, everyone getting fired up again.
Garrus materialized beside her, grabbing her elbow. "Shepard, what are you doing?"
"He challenged me."
"So? You can always say no."
"Like you said no to me earlier?" When Garrus didn't say anything, Shepard leaned in, lowering her voice. "We need to do this. I need to do this. I thought you, of all people, would understand that."
Garrus looked hesitant, before nodding and letting go of her. "Yeah, I guess I do. Just watch yourself, all right?"
"'Course." Adjusting the tape on her hands, Shepard turned around, glaring at Kaidan. She raised her fists. "So let's do this."
This time, Shepard measured her footsteps, moving slowly, keeping her eyes on him the entire time. Garrus had been something to distract her, a friendly fight just for the sake of letting loose. But this, this was different. This was real.
In arguments, Kaidan was always the one to back off first, recognizing the danger signs when it came to her and leaving her alone to settle down. He was the calm one, something she'd always loved about him; he balanced out her short fuse and helped her keep control in tense situations. This was the first time she'd ever seen him lose his cool, besides Horizon, making her believe that maybe she wasn't the only feeling completely torn inside.
Neither one of them advanced first, waiting for the other to strike. She bounced on the balls of her feet, edging forward every now and again, trying to goad him into lashing out, but that calm demeanor was working for him, and he called her bluff.
She suddenly stopped, lowering her arms. She forgot all about the crowd around them, about the noise pressing in on her ears, focusing instead on him and the way he was looking at her. "Kaidan, you know me. They - well, I don't know the exact science of it all, but they made sure it was me. It cost them a fortune, but it's really me, all of it, and you know I would never betray the Alliance. Everything I've done - Saren, Elysium, even growing up with my parents - it was always for the Alliance."
He kept his hands up, keeping her in his sight. "Yeah? It sure doesn't seem that way."
"They just don't understand, not anymore. Two years ago, we killed Saren, we helped bring down Sovereign. That was one Reaper. Everyone celebrated, and things were fine for a while, but I always knew there would be more. I couldn't take a breath, not when I knew it was always a matter of time before something worse would come. So when I woke up and they were telling me about the Collectors - yeah, maybe they are manipulating me. But the Alliance won't take the necessary steps, and if that means I have to join with a group like Cerberus to help save humanity, then I will."
His eyes narrowed. "Well, I'm so glad you're in the right place now. Really, Shepard, I'm happy for you."
Shepard glared, slowly raising her arms once more, her fingers curled into tight fists. Then we'll do this, just me and you.
Minutes passed, each of them still refusing to hit the other. The crowd was getting restless, hollering at them to just do something already. Kaidan's eyes never left hers, even as she began to grow more angry, more restive. How could he just ignore everything they'd been through together? How could he just chalk it all up to nothing? She wanted to lash out, wanted to make him hurt like he was doing to her. He was winding her up like a toy, and they both knew it. It just pissed off Shepard even more.
"What's wrong, Kaidan? Afraid to get hurt again?"
His face twisted. "I just don't want to mess with your shiny new Cerberus body."
Finally, she'd had enough. Feinting left, she launched herself forward, throwing her entire body at him with a snarl. He knew how impatient she was and had probably expected her to attack before him, but for her to totally take him down was a shock, and they both rolled, skidding across the floor.
She shot to her knees, on him again in an instant, landing at least one good punch. "It's - still - me!"
Kaidan grabbed her wrists, holding her off. "Yeah, says the woman trying to beat the shit out of me!" He swung his leg around, kicking her in the ribs. She flew off of him, sliding back on the floor.
She pulled herself to her feet, advancing again, feinting right, ducking low, dodging and parrying, throwing haymakers as they went at each other more fiercely. "What is your problem?" she gritted out, craning her neck to avoid being hit.
"My problem?" Suddenly Kaidan lowered his fists, grabbing her, pulling her into a bear hug, her arms trapped in front of her between them. "You are my problem, Shepard. You just show up and expect everything to be fine again but you're with them and -"
Shepard kneed up, but he twisted at the last second, and she connected with his thigh. Still, he released her, limping backwards. Strands of her hair had fallen from her ponytail, sticking to her damp cheeks. She stared at him across the circle. Everyone was surprisingly quiet now, listening.
Garrus stepped forward. "Shepard, maybe this wasn't such a-"
"No, Garrus." She threw up her arms, rounding on Kaidan. "What do you want me to say, huh? I already apologized for dying, for doing it after saving you."
"Yeah, some mercy that was, thanks."
"Are you kidding me? You think I've changed. What about you?"
Kaidan put his fists up. "What about me, Commander?"
They met in the middle, clashing fiercely, but she was seeing red, heart ready to burst, anger spurring her on like some sort of demonic entity. Spinning while he regained footing, she sent a roundhouse kick to his head, leveling him. He fell backwards, his body bowing gracefully, seemingly swooping down in slow motion. He lay there for a second, unmoving. The crowd was eerily silent, the only sound moving through them the shocked gasps and murmurs of concern.
The anger receded back down, like the aftermath of a tidal wave, and she realized what she had done. Kaidan was a biotic, he had implants, and his amp; what if she had knocked something loose, or broken them? She ran over, kneeling beside him, trying to block out the whispers rising from the assembled crew.
"Kaidan?" She reached out to touch his shoulder. His hand shot out faster than she could react, grabbing hers and flipping her over him.
She landed on her back, the breath knocked out of her, as he straddled her waist. She struggled beneath him, clawing up at him, fighting even as she tried to draw air into her aching chest. "You…bastard," she choked out.
"Why did you bring me here?" Kaidan demanded, leaning over her, holding her hands tight against his chest. "Why did you do this to me? You are ruining everything."
"Oh, you…think so?" Her breath whooshed back into her aching chest. "So what, do you just wish Cerberus hadn't brought me back? You wish I was still dead?"
"Sometimes!" Kaidan shouted, voice echoing. It took him all of one second to realize what he'd just said. He looked around, eyes darting nervously. "I mean, maybe. I don't know, Shepard, okay? I don't know!" He shook his head fervently, letting go of her hands. "This is all just so messed up. I mean, don't you wish-"
She clocked him in the jaw with a right hook before he could finish. He rolled off of her, dazed. She sat up, dragging herself away from him, wanting to be as far from him as she could possibly be. The crowd was roaring again, and the sound was overwhelming, disorienting. Hands were on her, pulling her up, a calm voice talking indistinctly in her ear.
"Garrus," she mumbled, as the turian held her tight, supporting her with one arm. "Garrus, I…I need to go."
"Yeah, come on. Chakwas needs to look at you. Mordin, too, maybe."
"No, I want - I want to be alone. Take Kaidan to Chakwas. I'm going to my cabin."
He still had a hand on her arm, refusing to let her go. "Are you sure?"
She nodded wearily. The crowd was dissipating now, talking excitedly about what they had just witnessed. Jacob had offered the towel to Kaidan once he got back to his feet, but he ignored him, gazing across everyone at Shepard. She stared back, before he shook his head and looked away.
"Yeah. I'll be fine." Watching Garrus go, she limped away, towards the elevator.
She had told Garrus they needed to do it, that the fight needed to happen, and it did, because of everything going on below the surface with her and Kaidan. Kelly often told her that it was healthy for her to talk about her feelings, and Kelly encouraged other members of the crew to visit her, too. But now that Shepard had heard how Kaidan really felt - and possibly broken a rib in the process - all she wondered was why she didn't feel any better.
"Y'know, when I said talk to her, that wasn't really what I had in mind."
Garrus glanced over at the med bay, at Kaidan getting checked out by Dr. Chakwas, the only other person - besides Joker and himself - that he would let near him.
He sighed. "Yeah. She was rather…insistent."
"Meaning she challenged your manliness, right?"
"Something like that. I tried to intervene when she and Kaidan were about to go, but honestly, she scares the shit out of me."
"Well, you know Shepard: she's a fighter, not a lover. Kind of always has been."
Garrus watched Kaidan, eyeing the bruises on his face, the slump of his shoulders. He remembered very well the haunted look in Shepard's eyes as she had limped away, alone.
"You know, Joker, I'm not so sure if there's a difference between the two."
Long after everyone else had gone to sleep, Shepard visited Dr. Chakwas and Mordin. Assured that she was fine (besides a bruised rib), she received the usual lectures for her rough "extra-curricular activities" and was given some painkillers to help her sleep. If they took away the dreams, that would be enough.
She stopped by the main battery while she was down there, surprised to see Garrus still awake, calibrating the guns for the Normandy. It seemed like he did nothing else these days. Looks like I'm not the only one who has a weird stress-reliever.
"You're still up, I see."
"Yeah. Thinking, I guess." Garrus turned around, leaning against the console behind him. "What can I do for you, Commander?"
"I was just thinking, too. About that story you told me earlier."
"Oh, yeah?"
"Yeah. How did it end?"
"Oh." The ghost of a smile crossed Garrus' face. "It was brutal. After nine rounds, the judge called it a draw. There was a lot of unhappy betters in the training room."
Shepard thought of Jack and nodded. "Yeah, I suddenly know the feeling. Then what happened?"
"We, ah…held a tie-breaker in her quarters. I had reach, but she had flexibility." There was a definite grin in his voice.
Shepard let those words sink in for a moment, before she stood up straight and flushed. "Oh! Oh. I see."
"Yeah." Garrus looked away, shrugging. "More than one way to work off stress, I guess."
Shepard looked towards the doors, imagining the mess area beyond, the observation decks, particularly the starboard deck, where Kaidan was bunking for the night, as he had the night before. She had a sudden flashback, images flurrying through her mind, memories of slick skin and wanting hands. Her face heated even more.
Stop it. That was a lifetime ago. Kaidan had made it clear that it was over, and there was nothing she could do about it. They'd reach the Citadel in the morning.
"Yeah," Shepard finally said, clearing her throat. "I guess you're right. But like I said, humans and turians do a lot of things differently."
Garrus didn't dispute her when she turned and left. She popped two of the pills Chakwas had given her on her way up to her cabin, hopeful, but nearly certain that there would be nothing strong enough, in this world or the next, to make her forget what Kaidan had said.
