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Zuko's stupid decision.

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I slept soundly until after lunchtime the next day. I hadn't realized how tired I was – but I was down for the count as soon as my head hit the pillow. I was awoken by Suki upon advisement from Sokka. There was a big shenanigan at the water tribe house and my presence was mandatory. All the watertribe warriors who wanted to go home were setting sail tomorrow. My Dad had recovered somewhat from last night and wanted the whole tribe to spend this afternoon and dinner tonight together. No exceptions.

The afternoon passes in a blur of activity. I was once again expected to do the womanly tasks – but this time I refused to do them on principle. I told the menfolk that they had two hands and could do it themselves. This attitude got a mixed reaction (from bemusement to anger). But I refuse to be treated like a second class citizen by my tribe anymore. I refuse to do all the crappy jobs just because I am a girl. But giving speeches and lecturing them had not worked. So instead I was protesting through inaction. I was on strike. Hasa got most angry with me early on– but my father stepped in quickly and spoke out about how the warriors had to respect my decision about what jobs I would and would not do.

I helped with the more neutral role of helping stock up the ship with provisions with Bato. We spent the afternoon making sure that there would be enough of all the different supplies to make the journey. Bato was beside himself with happiness and chatted to me about Ming and how he had thought my Dad was coming around to the idea of him dating a firebender. Bato was sure that my Dad would have to see that while Bato and Ming came from different nations – at their core they were so similar.

I asked (subtly and casually) about what it was like dating someone from the firenation really. The watertribe and the firenation are very different after all. Bato sighed dreamily and said that the all the differences were surface matters. They didn't matter that much to Bato. They were just little cultural things – like how in the firenation it was customary for a couple to give each other engagement rings – whilst in the water tribes the man has to carve a betrothal necklace.

Was Bato thinking what I thought he was thinking?

Bato was a bit alarmed that he had said so much. He'd been speaking absentmindedly. He tried to pretend that he hadn't said anything about betrothal necklaces – but I nagged him. Eventually he fessed up. He was seriously considering it – even though he knew it was quite soon. He and Ming had only known each other a season after all. But he couldn't imagine his life without her in it now. He swore me to secrecy regarding this – because he hadn't even spoken about it to Ming yet. And he was worried about how some people in the tribe would react. I promised I'd keep it to myself.

-o-

Though it feels terrible to write it – I am almost glad that most of the menfolk are going. I had another go at trying to talk to them about women's rights at dinner, in a conciliatory manner – rather than a preachy manner. It was my last chance before they all set sail. However I did not have any success in convincing anyone through the conciliatory approach either. Instead I started a very passionate and bitter debate that lasted throughout dinner.

Hasa and Kuba hounded me with question after question and tried to poke holes in all my arguments and didn't listen to what I had to say. Dad tried to defend me by calling for silence and for the menfolk to leave me alone and shut up and eat their dinner periodically. Sokka would pipe up with some anecdote about something Suki said and would be teased soundly for being pussy-whipped. Once again the menfolk were told to shut up, eat their dinner and leave Sokka alone. Bato tried to raise the fact that there were benefits of equal rights for women for both sexes but he also got booed and teased. Apparently his opinion doesn't count because he has fiery sex on the brain. Eventually Hasa spat a woman should know her place. Sorrak, who had been silent throughout dinner, took this opportunity to empty the gravy boat all over Hasa's head and then smack him with it. Upon that abrupt and violent note dinner ended.

I was glad to leave.

-o-

This is that last day that I have to spend with my tribe before most of them sail away. My Dad has asked Bato, Sorrak, Kuba and Hanook to stay and help him negotiate. Kuba, Sorrak and Hanook are meant to be representative of the different age groups in the tribe. Kuba is the oldest – then Sorrak, then my dad and Bato and then Hanook. With Sokka as the youngest (if he's included – and I really hope he is). The five of them and Sokka and I will be the delegation for the Southern Watertribe division at Ba Sing Se.

But I am not sorry to see the back of the rest of the menfolk and this makes me sad. I had hoped that I could enlighten them. Our tribe was the more relaxed in terms of women's rights, compared to the northern water tribe. I had actually thought it would be easier to open their eyes to the error of their ways. I had hoped that everything would be amicable.

Now I took an almost perverse pleasure in the surprise that was awaiting jerks like Hasa back home. Hasa's wife, Karin, had stepped into the role of hunter when the menfolk departed. She was a badass with a spear. She'd been on her own and providing for our tribe and raising the kids for three years. I don't think she'd take well to being told to know her place.

Things would have to change. I hadn't been able to tell, but I hoped that the women back home could damn well show them.

-o-

I have accidentally on purpose overheard a conversation between Zuko and Iroh and now I don't know what to do. It started off quite normal. They were sitting on the balcony in the comfy chairs, drinking tea and playing Pai Sho. Iroh was asking when Zuko wanted to move into the Palace – because it was all ready now and he couldn't govern from the villa in the long term. Zuko said that he would move in after Ba Sing Se. That was only a few days away and it seemed pointless to go through all the hassle of moving now.

I was about to join them when suddenly Iroh cleared his throat and said So...about the gloomy girl with the hairbuns, you never finished explaining to me yesterday what was going on there. I stayed to listen, mostly because it seemed like the most unobtrusive way to get the answer to the question I wanted the answer to. What was going on with Gloomy Hairbuns?

Zuko dodged the question and said that yesterday had been hectic and he hadn't meant to get so distracted with everything, but wasn't it good that Piandao had agreed to be an advisor and Zuko was thinking about asking Jee too, even though Jee wasn't a noble, and what did his Uncle think. He was nervous babbling.

Iroh said Jee will be a fine advisor and then there was an awkward silence. I think Iroh just stared at Zuko the entire time, mentally projecting his question. Zuko broke first and said look it's a weird situation with Mai...the gloomy girl (he added this for clarification). Iroh said that he was explained they'd gone out for a bit, when he was first back in the firenation, but it had been an on-again/off-again thing. But then he'd forgotten her in prison and she'd come back on the day of the coronation and wanted to get back together but they never had a chance to have a proper talk and then she'd gave that little speech –but Uncle already knew about that.

Iroh was a bit confused about the prison forgetting and why she would still want to be with Zuko after that. Zuko shrugged and said I don't know either. I just...are we right together if it's so easy for me to forget her? Iroh said that he thought that Zuko had just answered his own question, sagely. There was a pause and then Iroh said that he hoped that Zuko would let the poor gloomy lass down gently then.

Zuko must have made a weird face because Iroh said Zuuuuuko? in a very worried tone. Zuko said awkwardly that he might have gotten lost in his last conversation with Gloomy Hairbuns yesterday. Iroh said how lost? Zuko said that he thought that maybe they had gotten back together and maybe he might have promised never to break up with her again. What? Iroh said now I'm lost! He asked Zuko to tell him what happened.

Zuko said that she had confused him with girl logic. She kept saying that getting back together with her was the honourable thing to do and that it would be a mutually beneficial arrangement because it would get her mother off her back and the floozies off mine... and I'd be dead if it wasn't for her and so I owed her. Iroh pointed out (with a bit of sass) that Zuko would be dead if wasn't for a lot of people but that didn't mean he had to shag everyone who'd saved his life. There was another silence and then Iroh apologised and said that he hadn't meant to snap at Zuko, but he was exceptionally surprised that Zuko would do something like this. To me.

Zuko was surprised at his surprise and said what? Uncle sighed sadly and said that he thought he should take some of the blame. He must have given Zuko the wrong idea, what with all his lady friends. But Uncle wanted to make something clear to Zuko. He waggled his finger and said I never started on desert before I finished dinner – that's just not classy Zuko. Zuko looked confused and said that he was now completely lost in this conversation. What was his Uncle getting at? Was this a proverb?

Iroh said of course it wasn't a proverb. Iroh just disapproved greatly of Zuko taking up with a Gloomy Flibbertigibbet whilst he was secretly going out with me. It turns out that Iroh was under the impression (an impression deliberately planted by Toph) that Zuko and I were a secret couple who were going out in secret. He hadn't wanted to say anything because he knew it was meant to be a secret. Zuko quickly corrected him regarding our secret coupledom. He said Katara and I aren't going out Uncle. She doesn't want me that way. It's not like that between us. Iroh said it's not? sounding genuinely baffled.

Zuko said Look Katara's my best friend and everything between us is nice and comfortable and good and I don't want that to change and for things to become uncomfortable and... bad.Iroh was mystified as to why things would become uncomfortable and thought that all romantic relationships ended in disappointment and resentment. Iroh disagreed poetically and in proverbs. Zuko said enough with the proverbs! He asked Iroh to name him one couple they knew that had been together for years and were actually happy together. Fat and Piandao Iroh said quickly. Zuko paused for a second and said okay, you got me there– but the point still stands.

Iroh piped up that he was lost again. If Zuko had such a low opinion of romance, why was he taking up with the Gloomy Girl at all? Zuko made a frustrated little huff and said that this was why he hadn't wanted to talk about this with his Uncle. His Uncle always turned Zuko's words around and Zuko always ended up feeling like he was in the wrong. Iroh said cheekily that could be because he often was in the wrong. Zuko got stroppy and said that he wasn't talking about this with his Uncle anymore. Iroh protested and tried to calm him down. He said that he was just trying to understand what was going on. Two days he had never heard Zuko talk about the Gloomy Girl at all and now they were going out and Iroh was bewildered.

Zuko told his Uncle that Gloomy Hairbuns had told him that she needed him to give it another go – so Zuko was going to try. Giving it another go was the right and honourable thing to do in Zuko's opinion, because he couldn't just throw Gloomy over now that he was firelord. That wouldn't be fair to Gloomy. Zuko said that he though his Uncle would be more supportive – after all Iroh was the one who was constantly banging on about how Zuko needed to find a pretty girl and all that. Iroh said oh yes – that was me.

There was a small pause, then Uncle cleared his throat then and said that he would be delighted to meet Zuko's new girlfriend then. He said bring her over and we shall have a spot of tea together. Zuko said sheepishly – oh, err Maybe lunch would be better. Mai is not a big tea drinker Uncle. Iroh spat out his tea everywhere, in horrified surprise and exclaimed not a big tea drinker!

I ran away, in horrified surprise that had nothing to do with Gloomy's tea aversion.

-o-

How could he?

Seriously?

He got back with Gloomy Hairbuns when she is so gloomy and sullen and cold! She's not right for him – and he knows it! But he's gotten back with her anyway and promised not to break up with her all because she confused him with girl logic!

He is just such a big idiot!

I'm in love with an idiot!

An idiot who has chosen another girl over me!

Because he's an idiot!

-o-

I went to have lunch with my tribe and help the water tribe with the final preparations before the menfolk disembarked on their journey home. The Yue was a firenation cruiser that had been completely re-fitted and repainted. The Southern Watertribe Emblem was proudly emblazoned all over the ship.

I did the final check over the food and water stores with my Dad. I was in a foul mood and grumpily shoved things back into place with unnecessary force. My Dad was under the mistaken impression that I was cross about what had happened at dinner last night – with all the menfolk booing my attempts to make them understand about women's rights. I let him believe this was the real reason for my excessive disgruntlement. He tried to cheer me up and told me that change took time and various sorts of things like that. I nodded but said nothing.

In what felt like a blink of an eye – the ship was ready to depart. The menfolk waved from the aft deck while the seven of us waved them off. It feels most anti-climatic watching them leave. I have felt like I didn't feel at home with them for the majority of time that they were here. I'd grown and changed too much to fit in with their idea of how I should act and how I should be. I might not even fit in when I go back to the South Pole.

But I felt an odd pang as I watched the boat sail away. Back to the South Pole where Gran Gran was, where nothing ever changed and things made sense.

-o-

I am still fuming about stupid Zuko and stupid Gloomy Hairbuns and this whole stupid situation!

What does Gloomy have that I don't? Aside from a shitload of knives! Seriously now!

I shouldn't want to be like Gloomy Hairbuns anyway because she is so mean and ...horse-faced.

Is it because she's taller than me? I mean she's so tall – she's almost as tall as him. Does he like that in a girl? And she's so slender and elegant and she has all these nice dresses and she's a big reader and she's so bitchy and sarcastic. Maybe that is what he wants in a girlfriend.

I'll never be like that. I'll never be as tall or as slender as Gloomy Hairbuns. Even though my Dad is chief, I'll never be as rich as her either. Is this a class thing? Did he pick her because she's a noble and I'm a "peasant"?

Well bugger that! If he picked her for such a stupid reason then I don't want him.

-o-

I stomped into Zuko's office grumpily. He looked up in surprise and then smiled at me. Don't smile at me like that when I am this cross at you Zuko! He seemed to realise he was in big trouble even before I opened my mouth. The stomping and my facial expression probably gave it away.

I put my hands on my hips and glared at him and asked him if he had really gotten back together with Gloomy Hairbuns. I wanted to hear him tell me himself. He said he had. I made a small noise of upset and frustration and asked why he would do something like that! He said that he could explain. But I cut him off. I got very stroppy and said that he didn't even ask me! Zuko got stroppy back and said I did ask you! You said that I should do what I think is right. I was a bit stunned because he was right, I had said that...but I had more to say and I never got to finish my sentence!

Zuko started talking again. He was saying that he shouldn't even have to ask me anyway because I was not the boss of him. He said this a bit churlishly and defensively. I got equally defensive back and said that I wasn't his boss – I was his friend. I wanted the best for him and that wasn't Gloomy Hairbuns! She wasn't good for him.

Zuko said that maybe it wasn't about him – it was about what was good for Gloomy Friggin Hairbuns. Zuko couldn't just make decisions solely on what he wanted anymore. He took a deep breath in an effort to calm down and said Look she says she needs me and I can't just walk away from someone who needs me! If you don't get that about me then...I interrupted and said I got that (oh boy did I get that) – but I didn't want to see him with someone who was all wrong for him. Really I just didn't want to see him with anyone who wasn't me. I didn't say this out loud, but I thought it.

Zuko fired back that I wouldn't have to see it for very long anyway since I'd be leaving to go back home to the South Pole soon anyway. I had wanted to tell him at a different time, a better time. But instead I blurted out my big news here, in the middle of an argument. I shouted back that I wasn't leaving now! I'd gotten an apprenticeship with Dr Yang after all.

All the stroppiness drained out of his expression in a heartbeat and he took a step back and said you did? sounding shocked. I said I had. I had asked her on the morning of the coronation, if I could be her apprentice and she'd said yes – so I wasn't going anywhere, any time soon. Zuko appeared really taken aback. He was stunned into silence and didn't know quite what to say. After a beat he almost whispered why didn't you tell me?

I started to say that I never got the chance because he had so many firelordly duties that day – but at that point we were interrupted by his firelordly duties...which kind of proved my point for me. Lenka had knocked on the door and said that Lady Za Jei had arrived to see him. Lady Za Jei was standing behind Lenka. She was an older, immaculately dressed woman with a certain sternness about her.

Zuko looked torn between continuing his conversation with me and attending to whoever this Lady Za Jei was. I made the decision for him and took my leave of the conversation and fled the room. I could feel the sour-pliers-squeezing-a-lemon feeling in the back of my throat that usually preceded tears. And I wasn't going to cry in front of him about this.

-o-

Instead I cried a great deal in the privacy of my room. Bitter, frustrated, sad tears. He's so stupid. Gloomy hairbuns is so stupid. I am so stupid. This whole situation is so stupid! It shouldn't hurt this much. It really shouldn't. But it does. Zuko's picked Gloomy Hairbuns over me and that hurts.

Boo Gloomy Hairbuns, Boo! You've already had your turn with him!

The worst thing is that he didn't pick her because he liked her more or because they're well suited and they get along. Either of those things I could reconcile myself to. Sure it would suck – but if I felt that he genuinely preferred her to me, then I could deal with it graciously. I'm sure I would be a big enough person to recognise that they would work well together and bow out.

But no. Instead he picked her because he thinks it's the honourable thing to do and he's irrationally obsessed with his honour. At least if he was irrationally obsessed with Gloomy Hairbuns it would make him picking her less of a surprise. He got back together with her because he felt obligated to – because she needs him. I wish I could say this was stupid, but when Zuko said that he could never just leave someone who needed him – I just...I understood. I understand even though I don't want. I still think it's stupid – but I get it.

He honestly thought that I was leaving and now I am just plagued by the question of what if. I had been waiting for the right time to tell him my big news– but that doesn't matter now because I ended up telling him in the heat of an argument. Maybe there never was a "right time". What would have happen if instead of waiting for this mythical "right time" – I had just told him about getting the apprenticeship and staying in the firenation that morning? What if I had just told him how I felt, even though it was scary? If he knew that I needed him too – would he still have picked Gloomy Hairbuns?

I really don't think he would have.

And that is the worst thing.

It's the worst thing because it makes this whole stupid situation more frustrating and sad. I can't help but think how differently everything could have gone. But I can't tell him how I feel now. I have too much pride to tell him how I feel now that he's gone a picked another girl over me.

I want to be so furious at him. I want to feel the righteous anger that I felt after he betrayed me in Ba Sing Se – but I just can't. I am upset and hurt and disappointed and sad– but I still can't be incandescently mad at him the way I want to be. Zuko hasn't betrayed me really. I mean we weren't together. We hadn't made each other any promises of that sort. We both have been dancing around teh subject for so long and never really talking about it.

But I felt like we had an understanding.

Everything would be easier if I could be so mad at him that I just didn't care. I am mad at this stupid situation but I just can't help but love Zuko even though he is infuriating me. I wish this feeling was like a candle and I could just blow it out and not be troubled by it anymore. If I didn't feel this way then we could go back to being friends without the slightest bit of awkwardness between us.

We are friends. The best of friends. And even when he was explaining the frigging Gloomy Hairbuns situation to Iroh, he emphasised how important my friendship was to him and how he didn't want to lose it. He just wants to be friends with me and if I really cared about him – then friendship should be enough for me – shouldn't it.

-o-

I saw Lady Za Jei leave and went back downstairs to talk to Zuko. I had decided to just say my peace. I was going to tell him that I was still his friend, even though he made dumbass choices and I was just mad because I didn't feel that Gloomy Hairbuns was good enough for him. Not for any other reason. This was only one lie short of true. Mostly it would help smooth over the situation and wouldn't make me look like a mad jealous harpy.

But by the time I got there – Zuko was talking to someone else. Lieutenant Jee from the Coronation. This meeting was less formal than his meeting with Za Jei. They were in the comfy chairs on the veranda. Zuko was saying that now that he was firelord – he'd been thinking. Jee sassed back how's that working out for you?

Zuko shushed him and said he had something to say. Zuko said that his father had surrounded himself with snivelling yes-men and cronies who were too scared to ever disagree with him – even when they knew he was off his rocker and the firenation had suffered for it. Jee agreed, but he didn't see what this had to do with him or why Zuko had summoned him.

Zuko said that he didn't want to be like that. He wanted his advisors to tell him what they really thought, and to disagree with him when they thought he was being a jerk. That was why Zuko wanted to offer Jee the position of Advisor to the Firelord. Jee seemed momentarily speechless and Zuko started doing his nervous babbling and said that of course Jee didn't have to take the job and Zuko would totally understand if, after three years at sea with him, Jee didn't want to work under him again.

Jee interrupted the babble at this point and said that of course he wanted the job. He just couldn't believe that Zuko was offering it to him. He wasn't from the noble classes after all. Zuko said he knew that. That was another reason why he wanted Jee to have the job. He didn't just want to hear only from the noble classes. Because the decisions he would make would affect everyone in the firenation.

Jee asked why me? really? He pointed out that there were other, more knowledgeable people from the lower classes, who would be better suited for the position. Zuko said that he wanted Jee, because Jee had always been honest with him. Jee had never been afraid to tell him when he thought that Zuko was being a dickhead and had always tried to stop Zuko from doing really stupid things. Zuko looked at his hands and said I do really stupid things sometimes. Jee said, cheekily, that Zuko wouldn't get any argument from him on that front.

Zuko said that this was exactly why he needed Jee – Jee wasn't afraid to insult him to his face. Jee perplexed and wanted to know where Zuko's new found love for being insulted had come from - Zuko never used to like Jee's tendency to tell him exactly what he thought. Zuko said he'd been a bratty kid back then – but he thought, in hindsight, that Jee bitching him out all the time had been a really good thing for him. He said I make stupid, bad, decisions everyday - decisions that I always end up regretting...and I'll need someone like you around, because you never shied away from telling me when you thought I was making a mistake.

Jee didn't seem to know what to say. After a small pause, he said that he hadn't been promoted for 15 years due to his tendency to say what he thought. Now he was being promoted to one of the highest offices in the firenation because of it. Zuko asked if that meant Jee accepted – and Jee said of course he accepted. Zuko said good and outlined the position.

Jee'd be sharing the role with Piandao and lady Za Jei, who had also been appointed advisors. He would be expected to keep himself informed of current events and issues, especially problems that affected the lower classes and returning conscripted soldiers. Jee would also have to come to Ba Sing Se for the Peace Treaty. Did Jee have any questions?

Jee said only who are you and what have you done with Prince Zuko? Zuko thought Jee was joking, but Jee said in all honesty – Zuko did seem really different. Zuko asked different how? Jee shrugged and said Well, you're older now...and a bit taller too. Zuko smiled briefly. Jee said, in all seriousness, Zuko seemed... better and calmer. There was a question in Jee's tone. Zuko shrugged and said maybe he'd found someone who helped put everything in perspective for him. Jee said Well hang on to that person then. I like this new you.

They kept talking about Jee's basic salary package and how he would get a new apartment in the Caldera. I don't know much else of what was said because at that point I got up and sneaked silently away. Though I was sneaking silently, in my head I was stomping away in frustration.

-o-

Is that person Gloomy Hairbuns? Maybe that is why he picked her - because she helps him put everything in gloomy, grumpy perspective.

Boo!

-o-

I was feeling exceptionally disgruntled, but at that point, I heard a soft tap on my door. It was Zuko. He wanted to talk to me. I walked over to the door, but did not open it. I didn't know if I could face him right now - without my various feelings showing.

I asked him why he wanted to talk to me. Zuko said that he knew I was mad at him and he hated it when I was mad at him. He just wanted to make things right between us. Would I just open the door and talk to him. I said that I wouldn't right now, because I was still cross at him - but he could state his case to the door and I would consider it.

He sighed and it sounded like he slumped against the door. There was silence for a second and he muttered I can't believe your making me talk to a door. I sassed back the he wasn't stating his case very well. He huffed back that he was trying, but he wasn't very good at this. Eventually he said that he had just been talking to Jee and he had had realised...he trailed off here.

There was a long silence. What did you realise? I prompted him. Zuko said this was stupid and I should just open the door and talk to him. I said no. He had to tell the door what he had realised first. There was another pause before he said, uncertainly, that even though I was making him talk door right now, he realised that I helped him be...better. I put things in perspective for him and helped him see what mattered. (oh yay – he had been talking about me and not Gloomy friggin Hairbuns. I'm that person). He started nervous babbling and said that he really didn't want me to be mad at him. He knew I was mad at him now, but he just wanted me to know that he didn't want anything to change between us.

I said that things would change – now that he was back with friggin Gloomy Hairbuns. Zuko said quickly that nothing had to change. He didn't want me to feel threatened or jealous of Gloomy because...I cut him off at that point and declared, with a good attempt at sounding airy Me jealous? – Ha! Of Gloomy hairbuns?- double ha! It is a good thing he couldn't see my face at that point- because it would only take one look for him to be able to tell I was lying.

I didn't completely convince him anyway. He said said soooo you're not jealous? sounding really bewildered. I said why on earth would he think I was jealous? I wasn't jealous. I had no reason to be jealous – did I? And the idea that I would be jealous over Gloomy was laughable. I faux laughed here for extra emphasis. There was another pause and then Zuko said but I thought...oh...um... ok...you're really not jealous? I once again denied jealousy. He said alright then. Never mind. That's just me being stupid then.

There was another pause and then I claimed that I wasn'tjealous jealous. I was just a bit cross because I didn't think that Gloomy Hairbuns was right for him at all. That was why I had been angry – I wasn't angry for any other reason.

It sounded like Zuko leant his head back against the door and said that maybe I was right – but Gloomy Hairbuns said that he owed it to her to at least try again with her and so that was what he had decided to do. I huffed and said well, it's your life. I was trying to sound non-committal. I wanted it to sound like I didn't really care. Who knows, if I said I didn't care enough, it might stick.

There was a short silence and then Zuko said that he really didn't want things to be weird between us. I tried for the lofty and airy tone again and said that things weren't weird. Zuko said I'm talking to you through a door right now – that's new and weird. I opened the door quickly after he said that. He came tumbling into the room with an argh. He had been leaning against it and lost his balance when I opened the door so quickly. I stood over him and said now things aren't weird a little cheekily.

He had ended up sprawled in a heap on the floor – but he pulled himself to his feet. While he was standing, I crossed my arms and said sternly that I just wanted him to know that I very much disapproved of him reuniting with Gloomy Hairbuns. Zuko nodded and said I understand. You disapprove. But other than that – are we okay? He bit his bottom lip and then gave me that hesitant, hopeful smile he has.

My polardog eyes might be my secret weapon – but the hesitant, hopeful smile is Zuko's. There is no way for me to stay mad at him when he makes that face at me. I could have really hurt him here and kicked him out – but I never. He's still my friend and that friendship is more important to me than my own hurt feelings.

I told him of course we were okay and gave him a hug. And if I held him a little too closely, or breathed in his Zuko smell and felt just a pang of longing – then that is no one else's business but my own. He squeezed me back tightly. He said that now that we were friends again – he wanted to tell me congratulations for my apprenticeship properly. He asked me if I wanted to do anything to celebrate. At this time of day he could get me tea and ginger snaps...but they would be the ginger snaps of congratulations! I agreed to ginger snap celebration.

We drank tea in the comfy chairs and ate ginger snaps and talked about my new apprenticeship. My first day is tomorrow. Zuko asked me how I felt about that. I think I'm both nervous and excited, but I don't know which one I feel more. I asked him about his day and he told me that he had asked Piandao, his old firebending teacher Lady Za Jei and lieutenant Jee to be his advisors. His Uncle gave great advice – he had told Zuko that wisdom only taken from one place grew stale – that was why Zuko wanted to take it from multiple places. Piandao and Za Jei and Jee had all taught him so much and they all had different perspectives to his Uncle to offer him. We fell so quickly into our familiar banter. It was as if our awkward moment today didn't matter. It really felt like nothing had changed.

Maybe things don't have to change that much anyway. Maybe this Gloomy interlude won't last long. See I was so disappointed that he had gotten back together with friggin Gloomy Hairbuns – but part of me assumes that it isn't going to last between them. Zuko doesn't seem all that enthusiastic about it – and really he should be, first flush and all. And also they had an on-again/off-again relationship to begin with from the sounds of things. How long will they go out for before it's off again? Seriously.

He's made a dumbass choice that I wish he hadn't made – and I've told him that. I'd said my peace on the subject of him and Gloomy– and now I would say no more about it. What Zuko needed from me more than me haranguing me about his dumbass choices was friendship.

Even if I didn't get to be with him the way I wanted – I could still be a good friend to him.

0o0o0o0o0o0


Rambles – naturally YMMV.

Lovely wonderful readers – thanks for all your thoughts and comments and reviews. I seriously love all your feedback. Also there was a lovely anonymous reviewer who asked for permission to quote me in an essay about why they ship Zutara – quote away lovely, quote away! I will look forward to reading the finished product when you are done. If you guys have a question for me – you can always PM me as well. Just make sure you leave some way for me to contact you.

So this chapter is just a little short and sweet one, that focuses primarily on Katara's initial reaction to the Gloomy/Zuko reunion. I thought it needed its own chapter. I thought long and hard about how I thought Katara would react and I hope you guys aren't disappointed.

Katara is busy with the Water-tribe departure at the start of this chapter and doesn't get to talk to Zuko before he goes to see Mai. But the fact that she is so involved with her tribe and her tribe is leaving would have re-inforced for Zuko that one day Katara will leave to. There was a bit about water tribe gender roles and how they will be shaken up when the tribe return home. Also though Hakoda wants to support Katara, he doesn't really understand her arguments or what her specific problem is. That's why his support takes the form of trying to shut down discussion when it gets too heated. He is trying to protect Katara in his own way and he doesn't like the menfolk bullying her – but he doesn't know how to argue in support for her either.

There is a reference to both groups forming 'delegations'. Hakoda has chosen his people to offer him advice and so has Zuko in this chapter. As much as I love Iroh, he doesn't have all the answers, and nor should Zuko take his wisdom solely from one place. He has asked his old teachers who he learnt a lot from (Piandao and Lady Za Jei) and Jee to act as advisors.

We will meet Lady Za Jei in more detail in the coming chapters – but mostly she is an old school hard-ass. I think that Jee is a conscripted solider from the lower classes (hence his insistence that Zuko was spoiled, didn't know hard work etc.) Anyway Zuko is branching out and away from the model set by previous firelords - just taking his advice from male, firebending nobles with his inclusion of a woman, a non-bender, and someone from the lower classes in his immediate advisory circle. It's not a perfect cross section of society and many groups will go unrepresented – but the intent for great diversity is there.

So Zuko and Iroh have a chat about Mai. Iroh is a big shipper on deck, and he has been under the impression that Katara and Zuko were having a secret thing that was a really big secret. Toph would have told him about how close they were back an ember island and Iroh drew his own conclusions. Iroh's phrase never start on desert before you finish dinner is an allegory for cheating. Iroh didn't think that Zuko was the kind of guy to cheat (and he's not) – so he is surprised and disappointed in his nephew initially.

Added to that Zuko has never talked about Mai with him. To Iroh it seems like she just comes right out of left field. Zuko and Iroh talk about a lot of things now – and he has never heard Mai mentioned in any sort of girlfriend capacity until her arrival. Iroh is very surprised and confused, but he is going to be a good Uncle to Zuko and will be supportive of his choices. Iroh will meet Mai and try to get along with her. I say "try" because I imagine that Mai and Uncle are not going to see eye-to-eye on a lot of things. Her not being a big tea drinker is just the beginning.

In his conversation with Uncle – Zuko is already expressing doubts about the relationship; because he probably feels deep down that he and Mai aren't right for each other. He frames his decision in language that makes it seem like he is taking on another duty rather than embarking on a romantic relationship. Zuko's lack of overt enthusiasm for this relationship will also colour how his Uncle views it.

So why did he get back with Mai in my head canon? Look the only way I could see it working is if had a great deal to do with responsibility and duty and Zuko's internalized idea of what his life should be like.

When Zuko returned to the firenation and was with Mai in the first bit of season three – it was all part of an act entitled "the perfect prince". Zuko was really trying to live out the my life should be like this image in his head. Dating Mai was a part of that. She was the "perfect, noble-born, companion" for the "perfect prince". But Zuko, of course, later realises that he is not "the perfect prince" and he has to give up very crucial parts of himself to fulfill that role.

However Mai is still tangled up in his idea of how his life should go. He is trying his hardest to be a good Firelord for the people. If Mai was the ideal girlfriend when he was "the perfect prince" – it follows that she will be a good girlfriend now that he is firelord. In the series Zuko had to go back to the firenation and see it with fresh eyes before he could realise, fully and completely and for himself, how screwed up everything was. I hypothesize that (in a similar fashion) Zuko also has to go back with Mai, now that he has experienced a greater variety of loving and trusting relationships, to be able to see his relationship with her properly and decide that they both deserve better for themselves. Mai, though she is clinging tightly to her relationship with Zuko now, will also come to a similar realisation.

His return to the firenation eventually prompted a great deal of personal growth and self discovery, and likewise his return to Mai will give him a better understanding of what he really wants from his life and from a romantic relationship and will help him break out of the pattern of always wanting things to go how he thinks they should.

It should be said that Zuko is also in a very bad mental place and is hopelessly confused when he was with Mai initially. There was a real lack of genuine trust and communication between them and he doesn't get much support from her. But Zuko thinks that this is normal for romantic relationships. I think he learned a lot of implicit lessons from watching his parents be bitterly unhappy together as a child. He doesn't expect much more from a romantic relationship and thinks that a certain amount of disappointment and resentment is to be expected.

This also ties into why he shies away from starting anything with Katara. His relationship with her is one of his best and most positive relationships. I think that while she challenges him to be a better person – she also makes him feel safe and supported. Zuko gets this with precious few other people. He thinks a romantic relationship could sour their connection – and more than anything he doesn't want anything to detract from that connection or for their relationship to change and go bad.

I say that Mai is clinging to the relationship – but really she is also clinging to the ideal that she once had of Zuko. I think she is not ready to let the relationship go yet. Mai thinks she needs Zuko, but what she really needs to go on a journey of self discovery for herself and find out what she actually wants from life. In her mind, everything was fine until Zuko left to join the avatar. They were happy. His departure really blindsided her (hello bad communication! Everything was not fine in Maiko land even before Zuko left but I will get to that later). Mai thinks that they can just pick up where they left off.

She uses a combination of guilt and blame to get her way in this (all I did for you, I'm only happy with you, you owe me – etc). Zuko lets her talk him into getting back together, even though he knows deep down that he doesn't feel the same way about her – because she is still his friend, he really doesn't want to hurt her and he does want to make her happy. The fact that she needs him really is the magic phrase. But the fact that their reunion is founded on him feeling obligated to her, rather than genuine desire, will colour their relationship.

Also there is an element of mutually beneficial arrangement to the whole thing. Being with Zuko will get Mai's mother off her back. Having a badass girlfriend will be a big disincentive for all the various floozies interested in Zuko.

Katara is very displeased with this development. She is jealous and hurt. But she is going to try and get past that and still be there for Zuko as a friend. This is mostly because I really dislike the nice guy syndrome trope in all its forms. I think that one half of bryke (at least) must be afflicted with some sort of nice guy syndrome – because it taints most of the canon pairings terribly. Kataang is a perfect example of Nice Guy Syndrome at work. Aang is nice – therefore he should be entitled to Katara, simply because he wants her and regardless of her wishes. Aang's hurt feelings are worth more than Katara's no in the show. This is something that always bugs me about Kataang.

Katara values Zuko for Zuko, not for his potential to be her romantic partner. Their friendship is much deeper than that. I didn't want Katara to act like she was entitled to Zuko. She likes Zuko as he is, and even though he has really disappointed her with his choice – she still values him enough to want to be his friend. Katara has told him she disapproves and will say no more on the subject. She will let him come to his own conclusions and make his own decision. She will respect his choice, even though she doesn't agree with it at all.

Also Katara understands his reasons for his choice. While it drives her bananas – she sees why he did what he did. It didn't have anything to do with class, or wealth or any of those ultimately shallow reasons that she originally hypothesizes (and some canon-shippers, bless their cotton socks, agree with). Instead it was to do with duty. Zuko's commitment to his duty (whatever he sees it as) is an intrinsic part of his character. It is one character trait that he and Katara have in common – as they both take their responsibilities seriously.

We will see more of jealous Katara in the coming chapters. I think her jealously will take more of the quiet simmering form – as opposed to the loudly demonstrative jealousy that Zuko is prone to (ooh but we will get to see that when Jet comes back into the picture – just you guys wait!). However this chapter did allow me to play with my ideas of how jealous Katara actually is.

Katara's "jealousy" over Aang is spouted as a reason why they should be together by some Kataangers. However the two times that Katara shows "jealousy" over Aang (on Kyoshi and in the headband) both occur after the fact that Aang has denigrated his relationship with her. He dismisses her worry in the headband as unimportant. On Kyoshi he actually belittled her for asking him to carry the basket (with supplies for the whole group) and went off to play with his new "fun" friends. Aang makes Katara feel irrelevant and then showers other people with attention – and she gets miffed. However in this chapter, her various strong feelings of jealously and anger are assuaged by the fact that Zuko constantly validates her importance to him.

I also got to play with the idea that any disagreement between Katara and Zuko would spiral out of control because they are both so passionate. This is often used as justification against Zutatra, but it implies that being passionate is the only aspect to their characters. They are both very passionate individuals – that does stay constant over the show. However they both grow and change through the show and there is so much more to their characters than just two angry!bombs of emotion.

Katara is extremely empathetic and understanding, Zuko is extremely forgiving and remorseful. These traits are just as important as passion to their characters. these traits would also play into any argument that they have and I think will ultimately help them defuse the argument. I think that both of them value the other person enough not to let an argument break them apart. In this chapter they argue, but very quickly make up – because both of them value their relationship to try and overcome their differences of opinion.

Next chapter will have Katara's first day with Dr Yang and the return of Azula (queue scary music). Zuko and Azula will meet for the first time since sozin's comet. There will be shenanigans and drama. Also Azula and Katara are going to have an interesting conversation.

Til then lovely readers.