Garcia

Tin Het once said – I will talk, but are you listening to me?

A/N: Spoilers for Revelations!!

Disclaimer: Feels like it should be, but Criminal Minds isn't mine.

And now Reid.

What now?

You have managed to get yourself into a bit of a mess.

This all started with that stupid decision to go round the back of the barn when you should have known better. This is why you have training you know, to prevent stupid mistakes like that. Not only did you nearly destroy JJ but you have completely destroyed yourself. What hope is there for you now?

Get up off the floor and do something.

Snap out of this self pitying frame of mind and either kill your self or get on with life. I am getting quite bored with your attitude, and the way you are treating your friends. Reid, they are your friends, you might try to push them away and run from it, but they are still there, and they still want to be there.

And everything is dark.

And all you will be able to hear is a thump, thump, thump, and sometimes a sigh.

Thump, thump, thump, and a sharp intake of breath.

And sometimes right at the back of your aural perception there will be cries of distress, and there will be such a pain in your chest that you won't be able to breath anymore, so you will stop and be content, and you will feel your heart has stopped, and it will remind you of the time Hankel pushed you to the floor, and once more you will find some kind of strange peace. Finally it is over. Finally the nightmares will stop…finally you can sleep.

Then that pain in your chest again, and light, and noise, and shouting, and your name being said. Gently.

"Spence, can you hear me?" And for just a second you think you can smell flowers, but it all goes black again.

And all you can hear is the thump, thump, thump, and you can feel hands touching you and you will know that you have stopped breathing again, and then the thumping stops and there is nothing.

When you finally wake up you are obviously still in hospital. It will seem that nothing really has changed except for now you have a tube down your throat, and your face hurts.

Comfortable Dr Reid? Are you enjoying what you have done to yourself?

And you start will choke and start to pull at the tube, but someone is there. Someone with calm gentle hands and someone who smells of flowers. And as the doctor takes the tube from you, JJ will hold your hand tightly and you will see fresh marks down her face where she has been crying.

"Spence." Is all she will say, but it is all she will need to say.

"Hey JJ." And you try to smile.

"Shhh Spence. Don't talk"

So you don't, and you go back to sleep, and it will be the best sleep you have had since before you went to Georgia.

And as you sleep your friends will come in to see you, and they will be shocked at what they see. It will be explained to them that you hit the stairs with your face, and they will be told that the cuts and bruises will heal, but they will tell your friends that they are more worried about your state of mind. They will tut and erm, and they will be both angry and confused. Then a few days later Garcia will come to see you.

"Heya Junior G man." And you will smile at this, even if you don't really understand what she is talking about. "I heard that your feet hurt babes, so Penelope is here to make you feel better."

And she will chuck chocolate and fruit and packets of pink squishy sweet things on your bed. Garcia will rub oils into you feet, being careful to avoid the places with deep cuts, but it will feel so good, and it will smell of lavender and Garcia will tell jokes which you don't understand, and you will eat some squishy things that taste of very sweet pink. She will tell you how good you are looking and how the swelling on your face has gone right down now.

Penelope will cry, and you won't understand why she is crying when everything seems so good.

"Garcia, what's wrong?" you will ask in a voice loud and happy and maybe a bit mad.

"We keep thinking you are dead, Reid. You have to stop doing this to us. I have aged 20 years in the past week. I am going grey with worry."

And you will mumble about how you should know how he feels then, but Garcia is singing a song about Sunshine and she won't hear you.

"I fell, I fell down the s s stairs. It was an accident." And as you say the words you wonder if it is really true, and Garcia will look at you with that knowing face and smile.

"I know you did." And she will come and sit on the bed next to you. "I need to talk to you about something Angel." And her face will look sad and worried.

"Hey Garcia!" and you will look alarmed because you will never have seen her looking like this before.

"I don't know if I should be telling you this." And she will fiddle with a banana, then peel back the skin and say "Eat this." So you will because she looks so sad, and it will make you gag and you will want to be sick, but someone is here and you don't want them to see you vomit anymore. You will need Garcia to think you are ok.

And Garcia will start talking and you will listen, Dr Reid.

"When you went missing. When we didn't know where Hankel had taken you. I was so scared Reid. Then I was sitting with Morgan looking at the monitors and you come up on the screen. I was so afraid for you."

And you will chew on your bottom lip remembering how scared you were, and how you cried and begged and how Garcia had watched it all.

"And then when we all thought you were dead." And she will sit and pick at the bed coverings and she will be crying. "Reid, it ripped my soul from me when I watched you die." And you will lean forwards and wrap your arms around her and say.

"I am so sorry Garcia. I have, I have m m m made such, such a mess of everything. It hurts. I d d don't know what to do."

And the two of you will rock and hug and cry.

So when it is time to leave the hospital it is Penelope who will insist on coming over to stay at your place to look after you. Her reasons will be legion but the winning comment will be that she doesn't have to keep going away on Adventures so she will be the best one to care for you.

Garcia will have a cunning plan, and when you limp back to your apartment you will discover a freezer full of Ben and Jerry's and cupboards full of candy and coffee. You will laugh when you see what she has done, and frown when you notice that all the knives have disappeared from the kitchen drawer.

She will run you hot baths and give you hand and feet massages, and you will both know the pain each has carried, and neither of you will talk about it. You will realise after a week that you are keeping your food down at last, and the two of you will make up all kinds of revolting recipes to add sugar and ice cream to. You will start to go for walks together, and it will feel good to have a friend who is not asking questions, yet is getting all the answers. And you will be happy for the first time for as long as you can remember. Truly happy.

So Dr Spencer Reid, you will always have those marks on your arms, and you will always have the scars in your heart, but finally you will feel it is time to move onwards. You will be able to look at JJ and smile, and you will be able to talk to Hotch without panicking, and you will be able to take the jokes from Morgan, even if you still don't always understand them. And always Garcia will be there holding you up, and you holding onto Garcia, and you will pretend to understand her, and she will pretend to understand you, because that is what friends do.

You will stand and look at your desk and smile and feel whole again.

And you will put your hands in your pockets and fiddle with the little knife, and smile.