Hello. It's good to be back... I had a little problem with the ideas... Do you know the moment you start working on two fanfictions at the same time because both ideas start giving you insomnia? Yeah, I'm going through that. I started a Harry Potter fanfiction (I'm fluent oh HP, differently from Suicide Squad. I'll warn you when I post it if interests you guys ^-^). I tried to make a cute chapter, but not TOO cute since it's the Joker and Harley... And well, let's see how it worked. Bye!
The living room was unusually silent. Without the henchmen, the house itself seemed to have grown. The Joker was sitting quietly on the couch, thinking about what the hell he should say, feeling slightly regretful of agreeing with that madness. He had given himself the excuse that he didn't want to do anything boring but, in fact, he was just scared of letting her in. When Harleen was his therapist, it had been really hard for him to lie and sometimes he simply couldn't help but being honest. Now that she meant so much to him, maybe he wouldn't be able to lie at all.
Harley walked in in with a plate full of cookies she had just baked. She placed it on the coffee table and sat down on the armchair, opposite to the Joker so they could see each other's face.
"I think..." J started "This looks like a therapy session."
"Well, it's close, but absolutely different at the same time. Back in Arkhan, my job was fixing you. Now there's no job involved. It's a conversation between our feelings."
"Also, I'm not wearing a straightjacket." He was suspicious, since Harley was indeed wearing her psychiatrist voice, which made the Joker even more uncomfortable.
"Yes, but the whole point is both of us telling each other how we feel and what we think."
"Well… Let's get started, then."
"Okay. I thought… I've been thinking… You've been treating me differently since I came back. Why is that?"
J grabbed a cookie and slowly ate it, chewing it as if he could taste his own ideas. He was trying to turn his confused feelings into understandable words.
"I suppose you are aware that you have always puzzled me. At the moment you walked into that room, I saw so much potential in you… I saw chaos desperately trying to crush that pathetic, pure version of yourself. That chaos, in my opinion, thought of me as the only chance for it to come out. I don't know about you, but I think that's what made you fall in love with me."
Harley was honestly amazed. In months of therapy she had never heard that much honesty in his voice. Maybe nothing like that had ever happened in the history of their relationship, either as doctor and pacient or as lovers.
"I thought I probably could give you a little taste of madness, that final push so you could be Harley Quinn, and then leave, but you kept coming after me and you were a pain in the ass. I would never have imagined I would actually jump after you when I sent you to die in that acid vat." The Joker wasn't looking at her in the eye. Instead, he stared at the wall behind Harley and that's how she knew he wasn't lying. He would always look at her in the eye when he lied.
She tried to open her mouth to say something, but he raised one finger, silencing her so he could finish.
"And the fact that I couldn't let you go annoyed me, I wanted you around and that's what got me mad. I had never enjoyed anyone's company before, I had never liked anyone, so why a psychiatrist? That's why I would be so violent towards you. But when the Bat took you away, something changed. I knew I wanted you and not because you were a property, or my creation, but because I cared about you."
Of course his words hurt her, he was saying to her face that he intended to kill her so he could get rid of her. Not that she hadn't always been aware of that, but the words still hurt. But she had already came to terms with the fact that their relationship was abusive and she would have to take it if she wanted to be with him, so those words didn't hurt as much as they should. In fact, she was happy. J had admitted that, beneath his mistreats, he cared about her. In fact, he admitted that he was wrong to hurt her.
Inside her head, Harley felt one of the voices suddenly fade and disappear. Somehow, she knew it wouldn't come back.
"I always thought you didn't care about me. That I was just your favourite toy and that's why I was allowed to stay and play with you. Then… You were violent, you nearly killed me more than once. I know you are crazy, but it's not something you can do to someone you love, so I assumed..."
Love. That word remained a mystery. Words are just names people give for actual things. Most things would still exist without the word for it, but he didn't quite know what the word Love meant… So he always assumed it didn't exist for him. It was just a word.
"What is love, honey?" Lost in his thoughts, J wasn't listening to her.
"Well, that's a hard one, Puddin'." She paused, one hand on her delicate chin. "It's a feeling… A burning sensation inside your chest. It aches when you can't be with the one you love and feels warm when you are close to them. It's when you would live and die for that person with no second thoughts." She stopped again, looking at his intrigued gaze and realized she could be going too far for someone who didn't know what it meant. "Love is when I jumped in that acid vat, fully aware that you didn't intend to get me. Or when you weren't there for me when I miscarried, but I still cared about you more than anything in the world. Or when you would give more attention to the Batman than to me, but still I remained by your side. It's when I gave up on all my chances to get a normal life just to stay with you."
Then maybe, just maybe, it could have something to do with what the Joker felt for Harley.
"Can it be when I felt so warm looking at you sleeping when you arrived back home? Or… When you're in pain and it seems to burn me inside?"
It was the sweetest thing Harley ever heard from him.
"Oh, Puddin'..." She jumped over the coffee table to hug him. J cupped her face to kiss her. Then he loved her and didn't even know it? Was that even remotely possible? "I love you, Puddin'."
"I… I think I love you, Harley." The words tasted somehow bittersweet. He had never expected to say them outloud and somehow doing so broke him in a thousand pieces. It meant he was a man, a human, just as weak as any other human. But at the same time it gave him a strength he had never felt before. Desire becomes surrender, surrender becomes power. It felt like he was at the edge of a cliff, ready to jump. He had everything to lose and nothing to fear. For the first time in his life, he had something else to protect other than chaos and anarchy. Love. Such a pure and powerful word.
"Harls… I know I'm not perfect. I'm not what you always wanted and I will never be. I exist because of chaos, hatred and revenge and that's what I seek. And I can't change what I have done to you in the past. But I want you in my life, I want to share it with you. You are and you will always be my queen, and I will make sure to treat as a queen should to be treated. Nobody will ever hurt you again, including myself."
Then, although her heart was pounding like crazy and all her blood felt warmer, she felt guilty. He was being honest about what he had lost… But he had no idea what both of them had lost.
"Baby… I wasn't completely honest with you. About the reason for my outbreaks all the time, I mean. I never told you because I didn't want to raise any expectations… or have any hope, so I couldn't lose everything again." Something in her voice sounded terribly wrong.
"Harley, you hid the fact that you were raped because rape is worse than beating. So, tell me. What is worse than rape?" J had that fierce in his voice again, his eyes had a cold glow.
"When the Bat got me, I was pregnant again."
The world fell down. A carpet was pulled from beneath the Joker's feet and now everything was crashing against the floor, falling slowly so he could watch all the little pieces breaking and spreading all around, but not slowly enough so he could do anything. Suddenly the world felt cold and the rage inside his core started growing. It seemed like he would shrink and disappear. He felt like life itself didn't mean anything. Like chaos didn't mean anything. Some unknown darkness filled his heart and his cold blue eyes.
"They only found out when my belly started showing, just after transfered me to Belle Reve, and then it was too late to make an abortion. So they… they waited until I was about to give birth and sedated me. When I woke up, this was the only thing I had left of our baby." Harley raised her shirt so he could see a scar on her lower belly, clearly left from a cesarean. Her voice was stone cold as she continued. Not because she didn't care, but because she couldn't express the pain she felt, not even if she were to let all her rage and despair out. "I tried so hard to protect it, but I failed. I'm sorry."
J's heart ached as if someone had stabbed it and twisted the knife.
"Do you think… It might still be alive?"
"I don't know. They probably just… Killed it in that cold place. Or sold it. I don't know… I couldn't think about it. But they never brought it up, not even when they talked about the Squad, so I assumed it was dead." Her lips were shaky. "I'm so sorry, Puddin'... I lost our baby, all over again." She sobbed and tried to say something else, but her voice was blocked by her tears.
"Shh… It's not your fault, baby." It was all he could say before choking with his own tears as well.
The Joker. Crying.
Inside his soul, he had decided one thing: He would heal Harley and then God help anyone who ever thought of harming her.
From that moment, Gotham City was at war.
