Chapter 7
Peace.
Staring blindly at the ceiling, Clarke picks at the furs, unable to sleep.
Peace, she muses again like a broken record playing on repeat in her head for the past hours. What the fuck does that mean ? Yes, she is tired, she can't stop thinking, her brain fuming in her skull. All the intricate mecanics of her cerebral cells has nothing to do in the middle of the night but screaming their constant questions with no fucking answers coming their way. It is annoying and extremely frustrating, having a brain blocking on one fucking word, again and again, like thinking it all over will ultimately leading to a freaking revelation.
Her brain is stupid.
She sighs and wriggles in the bed. She can't keep still but she tries to hold her nerves in the warm bed anyway because Lexa is, however, sleeping peacefully all right. She just dreams in the peaceful heaven of serenity bliss while Clarke is wild awake in the darkness of their room. Yes, their room. Thinking about sleeping across the hall felt bizarre and ridiculous. She belongs with Lexa, there is no denying it, and she doesn' try, not when she has something else to worry about.
Well, besides Lohan the creepy talisman fetishist set on murdering Heda, that is.
Clarke can feel the giggle coming into her mouth, begging for freedom. This is all so fucking great. She is basicaly an alien, directly crashed from the stars, formerly living a cold metalic box but now living anywhere and everywhere into the wild, finally free of her people, of her mother, but in a totally foreign environment, learning to be on her own, on the Ground where she has everything to learn, from feeding to protecting herself with a quick stop to the language section – she must understand Trigedasleng fast if she doesn't want to stay clueless about what is going on around her thank you. Not to mention all the fighting, stabing, killing, genociding she performed in between. She has enough on her plate to deal with as it is. Really. But then Lexa comes to play her part in Clarke's crazy little life, messing it up to a whole new level of crazy. Being with Lexa is being in a relationship with Heda and all that is coming with it. Clarke knows there is a fucking ton of complications about to drop on their heads because Lexa is the fucking Commander of the Twelve Clans, which, by association makes Clarke her... what ? There is a big interrogation point right there. Of course that is the only complication that Lexa brings with her in Clarke's life. There is also this little problem of Lohan pressing Clarke to kill Lexa. Honestly at that point it wouldn't be a problem if it was just Lohan wanting to kill Lexa. Clarkes knows the Commander could deal with that, yet she is in the middle of the equation. Greatly great. So, you see, Clarke's life is already a mess of tangled lines she tries to unknot with good will, she does. That is when the last drop takes the cake, and her brain bugs with a warning sign.
Souls, ancient spirits, meditation, Heda, Athena, Goddess. Peace. That is too much for Clarke to process. She goes on overdrive and she fears she might explode any minute if someone, anyone, somewhere, doesn't simplify her life right now.
'Klark'
Oups... her brain must be screaming too loud, perturbing Heda's waves of energy or something. What ? Clarke is bitter when she is tired, and she is so fucking tired she doesn't know what she is thinking about anymore. Seems like her brain works on freelance, taking initiative all on his own, just braining for the heck of it. Funny, funny, funny.
Ha. Ha.
'Sorry. I can't sleep'. Yeah, she is stating the obvious, so ?
She feels Lexa moving in the sheets where they are currently back to back. They had started the night cuddling, but between her third and fourth wriggling sessions Clarke had needed space. To wriggle some more.
'What is on your mind ?' the rasp voice asks in the dark.
Clarke burst out laughing hystericaly, unable to stop, unwilling to stop. She is so mest up that she doesn't even know why she is awake anymore. What was she thinking about just yet ? She has no clue. And that makes her laugh even more. It is cathartic and it feels so good, being hysterical for no fucking reason, laughing so hard her muscles ach and her eyes cry.
After long minutes of explosion, Clarke's breath calm, her body relaxes, voice hoarsed. She settles on the bed facing the ceiling. ' Peace ' she says in a low voice, mimicking Lexa's tone from earlier. She giggles some more.
Lexa shifts in the furs. 'You are upset.' Clarke's only response is a lound snort. Upset. Right. 'You are thinking too much Clarke, your mind is too strong. It must learn to be silent. In the quiet you will find your answers, not in the mind. The mind only adds questions. Answers are in your heart.'
'Mmmm ?'
'The voice of your heart is the voice of true self. It is within your reach Clarke, once you master your mind.'
Clarke humpfs. The temptation to behave like a petulant child is strong, but she is trying to let go of that part of her, Abby's legacy, by being more open, more fluid. Adapting. So instead of whining she timidly asks. 'What do you mean ?'
'Breath the silence'
'What?'
'The first step for you is to breath the silence into your mind until your mind is no longer in power. Whenever your mind is too strong, too loud, breath the silence and it will calm. Then you will have acces to the other part.'
'After i breath silence ?'
'Sha. But not only this once, always. Your mind will remain silent all the time. It will answers to you only when asked to. It will not be in power anymore. Then your heart can take commands. After.'
'Okay. So, first step, breath silence. Easy to say, but...'
'Not easely done. What did Linkon teach you ?'
'Huh... Listening to the Earth, mostly. Birds, flames, wind, that kind of thing.'
'It is a good start to disciplin the mind, but it is not enough. Not for you.'
'Because of my spirit.'
'Sha. It is waiting to be heard Klark. I am sorry if that disturbs you, but it is the truth. I believe that is why you came to me today. It is time. All the rest must hold so you can concentrate on this only purpose, developing and becoming your true self.
'How ? Where do i start ? How do i proceed ?'
'If you are willing, i will show you the way.'
Clarke turns in the bed then, facing Lexa who is already lying on her side toward her. Her eyes are wild open. She waits. Lexa sighs
'You wish to start now.' That is not a question and they both know it. Still Clarke nods in the dark.
'I can't sleep. You don't seem very sleepy yourself by the way.'
'I am not use to sleep with someone. And you were moving a lot. It is okay, i don't sleep much when i am traveling. I must stay vigilant.'
'Mmm. I will try not to move as much next time.'
'You will know how to breath silence next time. '
None of them questions when the next time will be.
'Come.' Lexa reaches out, straightening her right arm to go under Clarke's head. Clarke molds her front to Lexa's side, one hand coming to her chest, a leg slipping on a hip. She nuzzles her nose to the strong jaw and exhale a content sigh when Lexa's hand comes massaging her skull. If she could she would be purring already.
'Close your eyes Klark.' Lexa's voice is soft, inviting whisper in the night. 'Imagine that each time you breath in, you breath silence inside of you.' She pauses as Clarke does as instructed. 'Imagine. Silence is a pure white cloud of cleaning energy. This white cloud is settleing in every corner of your being, in every part of you. ' She pauses again. 'You breath the silence in, nothing else exist. Only the silence. You open yourself to it, giving it all access. You breath the silence inside you, and it grows.'
Clarke's body relax as the focus on the silence. She can feels her brain calming.
'Open your mind to the silence. Invite your mind to clean itself in the purification of silence. It is good for it, it is for it's own good. Your mind is too stressed, too worried, too tensed. It need to relaxed for it to be healthy. Invite your mind to open itself to silence, to be friend with it, to embrace it.'
Clarke imagine her brain is a flower in her skull, slowly each petal opens.
'There is only silence' Lexa's voice guides. 'You breath silence, you fill with silence. You become silence.' She pauses before adding 'If a thought comes to pass do not fight it, let it pass, then come back to the silence. You breath silence, you fill with silence. You are silence.'
Clarke feels like she is floating in a white cloud of serenity, where nothing matters and everything is fine. She is all and she is nothing, she has no begining, no end. She is. She breaths.
In the quiet of her mind, the sleep slowly takes her away.
XOXO
XOXO
'Mmmm' she grumbles half asleep. Her pillow is moving under her, the warmth surrending her is leaving and it is not okay. 'Stay' she rasped, not opening her eyes. She is not awake yet, and she wants to stay in the sleepyness of sleepyland.
She feels a tingle in her forehead. 'Sleep Klark. I will come for you later.'
'Mmmm' is all she can manage before falling back to sleep.
There is sunlight outside the next time she wakes up. Fully sated, she stretches in the furs before realising Lexa isn't here. She touches her forehead. Right, she left in the early morning. Something about coming back later.
Clarke doesn't feel like getting up just yet. She feels like being lazy. She spreads herself all over the bed, extending her legs and arms, palms up, fingers straight she takes up all the space she can and giggles at herself. She is in a good mood. She slept wonderfully. In fact, she wonders if she ever slept so well before. She is starting to understand that there is, indeed, nothing to be afraid of. If her good night sleep is anything to go by, exploring her true self will probably open to more. Peace, indeed.
She feels her brain starting anew, like a machine someone would have push the 'on' button on. And she realises that she is the one accessing the button, she has the power to press 'on', 'pause' of 'off' is she wishes to. If she knows how to. It is a strange thing, to analyse her inner working, watching her mind as a clear part of herself that she can locate and communicate with. Like her mind is, in a way, it's on being that she has meet for the first time las night.
Her eyes track a spider weaving her web in the corner of the ceiling. It is a fascinating demonstration. But then she hears a clinging sound accross the hall that takes her attention. In an instant she is out of the bed. Lexa, is her first thought, her heart jumping in anticipation.
Crumpled clothes, tousled hair, she barges in the common room with a smile plasted on her face, only to stumble on her own feet when she sees no Lexa, but a Rider squatted down by the fire, stirring at a pot. Breakfast. Clarke's stomach expresses it's agreement with a loud noise, and Clarke is left mortified for a second. She just got out of bed. She is not prepared for Rider. And yet, that is her second lesson of the day : the Ground is alway throwing new elements, each step of the way, no matter the direction you're going. Be ready for it to appears onto your path seemingly out of thin air. Be ready.
And adapt.
So she clears her throat, refreins from combing her messy hairbed, untangles herself from herself and nods to the Grounder. Rider nods his big head back before returning to his task. Filling a second pot with what looks like thick soup, he says 'Come. Eat.' He doesn't bother talking in english, and somehow Clarke knows it is on Lexa's command.
Clarke needs to learn Trigedasleng fast, they both know it. She sents a grateful prier to Lincoln, for she already understands what Rider told her. Come. Eat. Easy. Well, as long as their conversation stays in a one/two words basis.
'Sha' she answers somewhat shyly. She moves her naked feet to the hearth, takes a bowl and sits indian style on the nearest cushion. She catches Rider's stare on her chest, posture stiffing. He meets her eyes with a slow nod before starting on his food. Strange. She remembers Sylvia having quite the same reaction the last evening, right before assessing her welcome. She stops eating the delicious honey like porridge and drops her head, eyeing her front. There is a necklace there that she never saw before. Laced with a red thread of fabric.
Lexa. She must have put it on her last night while they danced. Her mind wanders briefly on the lascivious moment at the beat of the drums, before she catches herself and disciplins her brain. She breaths to center herself. She doesn't know what this neckless is for but she guesses she better keep it on. Lexa isn't the type to do anything random. Whatever the reason for it, they'll talk about it later.
It amazes her still, the way they established their easy relationship not even a day after meeting again. It is as if they always belonged. Clarke imagines that, without the war going on between their peoples at the time, and without Finn, they would have feel the same undeniable connexion the first day they met. She has to admit there must be a higher power putting them so perfectly together. Fate, destiny. Goddess. Gha. No, she doesn't want to go on that headache road right now.
The porridge is tasty, she focuses on it instead. Rider finishes his meal, goes for seconds and asks. 'Again ?' The serving spoon is levitating in his hand, waiting to serve. Clarke's head goes left and right. This sweet soup thing is heavy enough for one bowl to fill her for hours. He takes the pot, empties it in his bowl and puts it on a rock ouside the burning wood. Dishes.
'Where is Heda ?' Clarke muses once her meal done. Rider just stares at her. Right. 'Where is Heda ?' She repeats in Trigedasleng. Rider talks then, aligning words on words, and it is Clarke's turn to stare. 'Huh. Slow, please.' She responds with a concentrated face, showing her good will to learn.
He grins at her. Not an actual smile, but still, it counts. 'Heda-is-with-Silas.'
'Ha ! I understood that.' She points her finger to the Grouder, very pleased with herself. When he throws a pointing gaze in return she quickly moves her hand to her knee. 'Mochof' she murmurs, thanking him both for his answer and his simplier response.
When he rises on his feet, picking up their bowls, putting them on the pot, she doesn't know what to do. He seems to sense her confusion and looks at her again. Slowly he raises a finger pointing at her, a hint of a smirk on his lips. 'You-stay-with-me' He points to his chest. The smirk grows. He is enjoying speaking to her like this. Well, she can understand why, it is quite funny to watch too. 'Come.' And off they go, once Clarke has the presence of mind to put some shoes on. And to brush her hair a little. Not that there is much to help at this point. She is a walking knot from head to toe.
She fallows him to the river down the village, opposit to what Clarke calls now the dancing place. She watches the way he washes the dishes, his movements even, fluid and minimals, always centered. He his Heda's guard so he must be pretty good at meditating.
'Do you breath silence ?' she voices her thought out loud in the sunny morning. He raises a brow. 'You...' Damn, she doesn't know the words for this one. 'Huh... Help me please ?' Her shoulders sag when she adds in english 'Can you teach me the words ?' He nods, puts the pot and washing cloth on the rocks, opens his arms wild and inhale very strongly, chest moving up and down. While doing it he says : 'Breath.'
And yeah, this way of communicating is going to be funny. They are bound to be friends after that. There must be a rule about playing this 'guess what my word is' game that says that anyone who plays it finishes smiling. It is too ridiculous to pass on. Maybe enemies should play it together. Yes ! This game would totally be a peace making. Maybe the coalition would go stronger if they played regularly. They could start every big reunion with a little 'guess what is my word' game.
Note to self : talk to Lexa about it.
Smiling, she repeats 'Breath' and locks it in her expanding vocabulary. Then he mimicks the silence, cuping his hand at his ear, his other arm straight in front of him, waving slowly left and right. 'Silence' his voice is so deep and serious, like the beginning of roar, that it is really hard not to laugh at the absurdity of the picture. Pinching her lips, guts twitching from refraining her giggle, she repeats. 'Silence !' Her laugh explodes at the end of the word. Hands on stomach, she bends forward. Her mirth only grows when Rider narrows his eyes at her, arms crossed in his chest, pounting.
When her calm settles again she sends him a bright smile. Laughing is such a freeing sensation. She feels greatful for it. 'Mochof' she thanks him sincerely. He only glares at her from all of his high, but Clarke can see the humor in his eyes.
They are becoming fast friends, she knows it.
XOXO
XOXO
Clarke is lazyly bathing in warm water for the past hour or so, and she doesn't plan on leaving. Ever.
With Rider's assistance – he took pity on her – she had dragged pots and pots of water from the river, filling up the tub. Under the wooden barrel is a large metalic board mounting several massive pillars mostly made of even raw rocks, mesuring roughly a forearm's length, with plenty of place to put burning charcoal on the ground underneath the tub, warming the water in it. Clarke had been set on her mission. No matter the numerous journeys to the river, no matter the numerous journeys to the hearth, transfering all the elements necessary for her fantasy to come true. She would be a living knot no longer. When she finally had filled the barrel and placed the hot hot burning wood, she had been so happy she jumped into Rider's arms. The poor Grounder was pitiying her so much he had patted her head with a smirk Clarke was beginning to know well. His smirk had grown more when he had knocked on Clarke's shoulder, getting her attention, before pointing to the charoal, then the water, and said 'Wait now' . If she hadn't been so stunned Clarke would have cried. Instead she had taken a sit on the ground, facing the tub, and waited. First she had started counting, but after thrity-seven she thought better of it. Rider was silent at the main door. He seemed deeply within himself, eyes open in a meditating state. He had been right, it was a good way to pass the time. So that is what Clarke did. Remembering Lexa's soft words in the quiet of their room, she had started to breath silence in. Losing consciousness of her surrounding, it had been Rider's movement behind her that brought her back. The water was warm.
So now Clarke is alone, in her tub, and she is not leaving. She has put too much time and energy to get there. If people want to see her they can come on in, she's not moving. Maybe some big Grounders could carry her around in her tub. Nah, i would be wired, not to mention the naked part – or parts, plurial. Oh, and people can't really carry her around slavishly like they have nothing better to do, that is silly.
Clarke splashes the water and giggles. She is happy. Her brain is still relaxed and she focuses her attention on keeping it that way. It demands a lot of attention, to not think. She was probably much slower filling the tub because of it. All day she was busy not thinking, most of the time when she managed to keep focus. All right, some of the time. Fine, very little periods of time, her and there. Still, she is starting disciplining her brain.
It takes a lot of energy and concentration, to pause her mind. Even now in her bath, without doing anything, she is working. Inside. She is doing, inside. She is keeping an eye on her mind, breathing silence, feeling the warm water on her skin. She realises it is indeed the first step, a really hard one. Mastering the mind.
She is in the middle of her thought – oups, she was thinking rigth there – when someone comes through the main door into the room. Clarke doesn't open her eyes, she already feels it's her. In her half-meditating hafl-sleepy state she is quite in tune with her inner voice, her intuition. She senses the deepth of their connexion with Lexa, a connexion which is growing stronger. It is a powerfull sensation.
'How was Silas ?'
'Good. She would like to meet with you if you agree to it.'
'Really ?' From what Clarke gathered last night, Silas is a mother to Lexa. The idea of meeting such an important figure in her... lover's... life is both intriging and intimidating.
'You don't have to, Klark'
'No, i want to. I do. When does she want me to meet her ?'
'Whenever you are ready, she will be staying in her hut today. She is preparing herbs to give to me before we go.'
We. Clarke likes the sound of we.
'Will you accompany me then ?'
'Sha'
Clarke grins at earing Lexa's sweet voice, the voice she knows only her ears receive. Soft, carring. Loving.
'When do we leave ?'
'Tomorrow at first light. There is much to travel. We will reach Tondisi in two days.'
'Mmm... Oh, Lexa ? I was wondering earlier...' Clarke raises a finger out of the water, eyes still closed and trying to keep her mind relaxed, breathing, she points in a general direction. 'What is the necklace for ?'
She waits while Lexa choses her words.
'A message.'
Clarke doesn't say anything, one brow raising, she waits. She is learning to speak Trigedasleng, quiet facial expressions are part of the classes. She hears a sigh.
'It is a message for my people. It means you are under Heda's protection. They will give you respect. They will protect you if the need comes to it and i am not there to do so myself.' She pauses. 'You are under my protection.'
'The way you say it, it is more than that, doesn't it ? '
'You are under -'
'Your protection, i gathered that.'
'Klark'
'Sorry' She focuses on her breathing.
'My people is not stupid nor blind. They see what you are to me. They saw it at the Mountain when i ordered the retreat, i knew it was written on my face. They do not forget, and words travels fast. The twelve clans were present at the war against the Maun-de. By now my people knows i care for you. As such, now that you are out of your cave, it is important to draw directions.' As if sensing Clarke frowning, she adds. 'You are exploring yourself Klark, this process takes time. You left your people and you are alone, that is a dangerous situation for you, as long as you don't know how to protect yourself.'
'Yes, i need to learn combat.'
'Sha, but it is not enough. To my people you are not just Klark. You are the victor of the Mountain and Heda's companion. You are not just anything.'
Clarke sinks a little bit further in the water, suddenly aware of the weight wanting to settle on her shoulders.
'My gift to you' Lexa whispers from behind, and Clarke can feel tender waves of energy flowing to her. 'is to give you my protection, so you canbe just Klark, so you can be a loner with no clan, in search for your true self, not concerning yourself with anything else. I will protect you Klark, for as long as you need.'
The promise is so sincere, Clarke's heart swells in her chest. There is a tear running on her cheek.
'Thank you Leksa.'
XOX
XOX
XOX
A/N
There will be more, but i thought i would edit that part already.
They hadn't have sex yet, if you were wondering ^^
Hope my editing is all right !
Hope you'll noticed the references her and there ;o)
TRANSLATION
Mochof – thank you
Sha – yes
Maun-de – Mount Weather
