This one goes out to Luminous Crystal for the Perseus/Uncle P day! And I hope you all enjoy this chapter. There won't be too many preschooler moments in this one, but it should be funny all the same!
WARNING: SOME CRAZY STUFF WILL HAPPEN IN THIS CHAPTER…JUST SAYIN'. I OWN NOTHING, OF COURSE!
CHAPTER 6
THURSDAY NIGHT
Danaë had just put a very grumpy Perseus to bed and was heading downstairs to take some Advil. She had heard Perseus screaming and crying all night because of his Uncle P day tomorrow.
3:30 PM
Perseus and Danaë walked into the house and Danaë got Perseus a cookie and a glass of milk (his after-school snack).
"Thank you, Mommy," Danaë prompted.
Perseus grunted and folded his arms. "I hate Uncle P."
4:32 PM
Dictys came home from fishing (that's his profession—deal with it). He gave Perseus a hug and gave Danaë a kiss on the cheek. "How was school today?" he asked.
"Fine. What did we do today, honey?" Danaë asked.
"Read a story about a happy pumpkin," Perseus grumbled into his coloring book.
"Whad up?" asked Dictys.
"He's mad because Uncle P's picking him up tomorrow for their fun day," said Danaë, throwing some noodles into a pot for tonight's dinner.
8:00 PM
"NOOOOOOO!" screamed Perseus. "I DON'T WANNA GO TO BED!"
Dictys had just pulled Perseus out of the tub and was drying him off. While Dictys helped Perseus brush his teeth, Perseus screamed, "LIFE SUCKS!" As Dictys was putting lotion on Perseus, Perseus screamed, "I DON'T WANNA GO OUT TOMORROW, DADDY!"
Finally, Dictys put Perseus into some pajamas. "Do you want footies tonight?" he asked Perseus.
Perseus pushed Dictys' hands out of the way and bolted downstairs, completely naked. Danaë was reading emails on her phone. When she saw her naked son, she looked at him…then at the windows. "Honey, remember how Andromeda lives right across the street? Well, I don't think you should be running naked through the house because—what happens if she sees you?"
"It's okay. We love each other," Perseus griped. "Mommy, can I stay home tomorrow?"
Danaë felt his forehead. "No, honey. You're not running a fever."
"But my tummy hurts," said Perseus, clutching his stomach.
"Honey, listen," said Danaë as Dictys came down the stairs. "I'm sure you don't want to go out tomorrow with Uncle P, and I know he's pretty creepy and gross. So if you ever feel unsafe around Uncle P, ask to call Daddy. Daddy will have his phone on. If Uncle P asks, just tell him you're asking Daddy a fishing question."
"Will he believe me?"
"Probably not," said Dictys. "But try to go with it. I told him you needed to be home by one for your nap."
FRIDAY MORNING – 7:00 AM
Danaë was getting ready for parent-teacher conferences and Dictys was taking a shower. Perseus was still sleeping. He was up all night last night having nightmares about what Uncle P had in mind for a "fun day".
Dictys climbed out of the shower and wrapped a towel around himself. He looked anxiously at the clock. "Okay, he'll be here by nine," he said. "So Perseus can play in the playroom until Polydectes comes."
Danaë smiled. "Okay. It should keep Perseus distracted."
Around eight-thirty, Perseus was dressed and playing in his playroom. He was playing a fishing game. Dictys was sitting at the kitchen table, awaiting his terrible brother's arrival.
At exactly nine, the doorbell rang. Dictys sighed and got up to open the door.
Standing there was a tall man in a shirt and blue jeans. He looked like Dictys. Dictys had a short, gray beard that was well-trimmed. But this guy didn't have a beard.
"Hey," said Dictys nervously.
"What is happenin'?" asked Polydectes. "How come you never call me and we go play golf or something, Dictys?"
"Because I don't like you," said Dictys.
"Right…" said Polydectes. "So, where is the little shit—I mean…the little prince?"
"Perseus is inside in his playroom," said Dictys flatly.
"What does he do all day? Play with rocks?" asked Polydectes.
"No," said Dictys. "He's in preschool most of the day with Danaë."
Polydectes smirked. "I love your wife. Can we do it, like, once and then you can have her back?"
"No," said Dictys, leading Polydectes into the house.
"My house is bigger," said Polydectes.
"It's not good to have hubris," said Dictys firmly. He pushed open the door to the playroom.
Perseus was on the floor, watching a kid's show about animals. The narrator was teaching Perseus how to count to ten using animals.
"So, kids, how many Pegasi do we see? Let's count them! One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten! Very good, kids! There are ten Pegasi!" screamed the narrator.
Polydectes smiled. He remembered back in Ancient Times when he used to count to ten by throwing rocks at Dictys. Ah…life was much more fun back then!
"Perseus," said Dictys. "Uncle P's here."
Perseus turned around, turned an awful shade of white, and said, "Hi."
"Hey, P-man," said Polydectes. "Ready for a fun day today?"
"Um…"
"Come on, dude," said Polydectes. "We're going to see a Halloween movie."
It was October, so Polydectes thought it would be fun to torture—uh, I mean—take Perseus to do some Halloween-related things.
"Okay," Perseus gave in.
Dictys looked at Perseus, then at his terrible brother. "Okay, have him home by one for his nap."
"He can just nap at my place," said Polydectes. "I don't think you've seen my house, have you?"
"Yeah. 'Member? You locked me up in the closet and threatened to bake me in a pie," Perseus snapped.
"Dude, that was just part of a game," Polydectes said quickly. "Well, ta-ta, Dick!"
Dictys rolled his eyes and shut the door, leaving Perseus in the care of his uncle.
MS. HECATE'S ACADEMY
It was nine, which meant that Psyche and Danaë were facing Bellerophon's parents: Glaucus and Eurynome.
"So, thank you both for coming in," said Psyche. "This won't take long, I promise. First, we want to tell you that Bellerophon is doing very well this year. He is progressing well with his numbers, colors, and letters. I think our goal for him is to get him to start early reading and math."
"He's having accidents a lot at home," said Glaucus.
"What kind?" asked Psyche.
"Well, he's been breaking things and accidentally hurting people," said Eurynome.
"Oh, he does that here, too," said Danaë. "But Psyche and I think it can be fixed very easily. It's just a phase; he'll grow out of it."
PERSEUS AND UNCLE P
"Um…I'm not old enough to sit in the front, Uncle P," said Perseus.
"Well, guess what? I make the rules," Polydectes replied bitterly. "Now shut the hell up and stay still so I can buckle you in!"
As they were driving, Perseus was looking out the window. They passed Andromeda's house, where he saw Andromeda riding her pink tricycle up and down the driveway. Polydectes honked the horn and she fell off, scraping her knee pretty badly. She left her bike in the middle of the driveway and ran inside, crying for her father.
"That's my friend," said Perseus.
"Okay," said Polydectes. "Whatever. And look at that…we're almost at the movies!"
They drove for several moments of silence, until Polydectes broke the ice and told Perseus something. "So, when we get into the theater, we're seeing an R-rated movie. They're going to ask how old you are. You will say that you're seventeen and that you have something that stopped you from growing when you were three. Got it, kid?"
"Yes, sir," said Perseus.
They found a spot in the parking lot. Perseus unbuckled the seatbelt and Polydectes grabbed his nephew's hand and pulled him over to the movie theater.
"Hello," said the ticket girl. "How may I help you?"
"Two for Terrors in Tartarus, please," said Polydectes, handing the woman some drachmas.
"Okay. You two have fun." Then she held out her hand and stopped Perseus. "How old are you?"
"I'm seventeen," Perseus said in a lower voice. "I have something where I can't grow passed the height of a three-year-old."
The woman shrugged. "Okay. You two enjoy the movie."
This movie theater didn't have snacks and Perseus got angry, so he kicked Polydectes in the leg. This resulted in Polydectes carrying Perseus upside down into the movie theater.
"SHUT…THE…HELL…UP!" yelled Polydectes. "Good thing we're the only two people in this theater, otherwise I would have to punch you somewhere else. And if you don't behave, I'll bake you in a pie."
Perseus shut up after that and didn't talk until the movie was over. They had seen a movie about the monsters that lived in Tartarus. Perseus had heard stories about these guys from Makaria at school, so he sort of knew what was coming.
After the movie ended, Perseus was shaking like a leaf in his seat.
Polydectes yawned. "Well, let's go. That was awful."
"Uncle P, I have to go home now," said Perseus. "I really feel unsafe when I'm around you."
"Why? Is it because I eat little children who don't behave themselves at the movies? Or is it because I sing dirty songs in the shower? Or is it because I spy on your mother through the telescope in my room?" Polydectes stopped in his tracks. "Um…perhaps I've said too much."
"No, Uncle P. You hurted Andromeda and now she's gonna be mad at me forever."
Suddenly, Perseus saw Andromeda walk out of a theater with her parents. The sign on top of the room read: PRETTY GODDESS II: THE PRINCESS WARS OF OLYMPUS. Perseus wanted to see that one, even though it was a girly movie.
Andromeda walked over to Perseus and gave him a big hug (because Perseus likes those). Perseus saw a Band-Aid on her knee, but she looked okay otherwise.
Cassiopeia and Cepheus looked at Polydectes like he was some creeper taking a kid out for the day. Polydectes looked back and patted Perseus on the head. "Howdy-doo, y'all," he said happily. "I'm not a creeper. I'm just taking my nephew out for the day because my stupid brother Dictys can't fish with him."
Andromeda looked at Perseus, who was trying hard not to throw up. "You wanna come to my house and play?" she asked him.
"I'm sorry, but Perseus is in my care today," said Polydectes. "We must be off now. Lots of stuff to do! TTFN!" And he dragged Perseus back to his car.
"Can I go play at her house, Uncle P?" Perseus asked as he buckled himself in.
"No," snapped Polydectes. "And for our next fun activity, we'll be going to the pumpkin patch to pick out a pumpkin." And he drove off.
Perseus had never been to a pumpkin patch before (or he had and he just didn't remember). Either way, he liked touching all the pumpkins he could get his hands on.
When they arrived at the pumpkin patch (Olympus Acres), Polydectes told Perseus to wait patiently in the pumpkin patch while he went to get something from a nearby shed.
Perseus didn't really understand what was going on, so he began touching all the pumpkins and naming them. He was about halfway down a row of pumpkins when he heard a loud noise from behind him. Uncle P was driving a tractor towards him. On the front of the tractor read: KILL U ALL. Perseus couldn't read yet, but he was now deathly afraid of his uncle. So he started to run.
Just as Perseus thought Uncle P was going to run him over, Polydectes stopped the tractor, got off, and laughed. "You…you should've seen your pathetic, little face!" he screamed. "Come on! Do you wanna know about our next fun activity?"
Perseus squeaked.
"I'll take that as a yes," said Polydectes. "Dude, we're going back to my house and we're going to play a game."
Polydectes and Perseus headed into Polydectes' house, a huge, three-story mansion. Polydectes put on the TV for Perseus while he made him a sandwich. While Perseus was distracted, Polydectes put whipped cream on the sandwich and placed the two slices of bread together. "Kiddo, time for lunch!"
Perseus ate his lunch in silence. Polydectes just sat there, his fingers intertwined, watching Perseus eat the sandwich. When Perseus had finished, Polydectes looked at his nephew. "So, kiddo, what did you think of the sandwich?"
"It was good," said Perseus. "What time is it?"
"One," replied Polydectes. "I think it's naptime, huh?"
Perseus nodded. So Polydectes got him ready for naptime.
"You seriously sleep with your shirt on?" asked Polydectes.
"Yeah. Daddy said if I'm with someone I have to sleep with it on."
"Your dad's a moron," snapped Polydectes. "Now, sleep with your shirt off before I bake you in a pie!"
Perseus didn't like that sound of that, so he took off his shirt and threw set it aside.
"What do you usually do during naptime?" asked Polydectes.
"Well, when I'm home, Daddy reads me my fishing book," said Perseus. "I brought it with."
Polydectes groaned as he sat with Perseus on the bed and opened Pretty Fishies. "Good morning, pretty fishies," he read in a monotone. "Let's say good morning to all our pretty fish friends! Good morning, pretty fish friends! We love you! This book sucks."
"Uncle P, why do you gots a telescope in your room?"
"So I can watch your mother sleep because I have a crush on her."
"But she's married."
"Naptime's over," said Polydectes quickly. "You're being a naughty boy today, Perseus. Now go sit in the closet!"
Perseus got in the closet and Polydectes locked the door. Perseus was used to this kind of thing because Polydectes often babysat him…and the closet was usually made into the "time-out corner". While Danaë and Dictys were home, they always put Perseus in his room for time-outs. So that meant that the closet idea was a little extreme.
MS. HECATE'S ACADEMY
Conferences were almost over. Their last parent was Aeson, the father of Jason. Jason had been adopted by Aeson when he was a baby, so he didn't have a mother because Aeson decided to become a single father to Jason.
Aeson walked into the classroom and sat across from Psyche and Danaë. The teachers told him Jason was doing very well and that he was going to work on reading next semester. Aeson smiled at the positivity of his son's teachers and went home.
"Well," said Danaë, "I hope Cassiopeia looks at those pictures Andromeda drew of her."
Cassiopeia and Cepheus had recently discovered that Andromeda was afraid of her own mother and drew a picture. The picture contained Andromeda and Cepheus, and Cassiopeia in the background with horns coming out of her head, wearing a red robe, and having large, pointy teeth.
"I wonder how Perseus' day went today," said Psyche.
"I don't think I want to know."
PERSEUS AND UNCLE P
Perseus had been sitting in the closet for a good hour before Danaë finally came to get him from his creepy uncle's house.
As soon as he heard the doorbell, he started pounding on the door.
"Danaë!" Polydectes exclaimed. "Come on in, my beautiful flower!"
Danaë walked into the house. "Where's my son?"
"MOMMY!" yelled Perseus. "I'M IN THE CLOSET! UNCLE P PUT ME IN HERE BECAUSE I WAS A BAD KID, I GUESS!"
Danaë slapped Polydectes across the face.
"Oh…so this is the thanks I get for watching your son?" snarled Polydectes.
"Yes. Get my son out of the closet!"
"Do you wanna have sex with me first?"
"NO!"
"Can I have a kiss?"
"NO!"
"How about a hug?"
"DEFINITELY NOT!" Danaë flung the door open, grabbed her son, and bolted for the door. "DICTYS WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS!"
Polydectes' only response was, "YOU'RE HOT WHEN YOU SLEEP!"
So what did you guys think of Uncle P? I tried to make him as true to the myths as I could, and in the myths, he wasn't really a nice dude…always trying to get poor Danaë to marry him and all that. Should I do another chapter like this with another preschooler and someone they don't like babysitting them? Thanks for reading!
