Ch. 7: Why do I Even Allow Myself to Speak?
Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight. A girl can dream though.
Thanks to ilovenaley & Browns for beta'ing :)
EPOV
My brain was numb, but at the same time running a hundred miles per hour.
She had just said she loved me. She might not have realized she said it, but she sure as fuck did. She'd also said the most amazing things about me.
If she hadn't said my name a few times, I wouldn't have known she was talking about me. Bella made me sound good; she thought I was a good man. Hearing my Ballerina say those words made my heart soar.
I couldn't form words, but I wanted her to know that I felt the same, so I leaned down and finally gave my girl a kiss.
It was better than I could have ever imagined.
Her lips were soft and sweet against mine. The movie fell to the floor as she moved her hands up my arms to wind her fingers in the hair at the base of my neck. That set off a chain reaction in my jeans.
When I moaned against her lips, she slipped her tongue tentatively in my mouth. When our tongues finally touched, we both gasped, and she pulled at my hair a little harder. My hand on her waist moved around to her lower back and I pulled her against my growing erection. I walked her back to the wall, and I put my forearm against the it to support myself, while my other hand pushed her a little harder into me.
The kiss turned from sweet and tentative to something much more passionate. Bella moaned against my lips and swiped her tongue along my bottom lip before gently tugging on it with her teeth.
I was pretty sure I was seconds away from coming in my pants when the front door burst open, and I heard Emmett yell, "Holy shit, who knew Bells had it in her!"
I pressed my forehead to Bella's and opened my eyes. Her face was flushed beautifully, and her lips were swollen from our kissing. My cock was still hard and pressed against her, and I noticed for the first time that the hand that had been on her back now gripped her leg that she had hiked around my hip.
There was another chorus of "ooohhhs" before Bella pulled back from me.
Based on the Bella I had seen before, I figured she would jump away and act embarrassed, but instead, she grabbed my hand in hers and turned to face the stunned faces of Emmett, Rose, Alice and Jasper.
"You guys need to learn to knock, and I'm going to need my key back from you, Alice, because you don't know how to call before you come over. We were just going to watch 'The Big Lebowski', you can stay if you want."
With that she bent over in front of me to pick up the movie, which really didn't help my hard on, and then led me back to the couch. As if they were all suddenly knocked out of their stupor, the others followed in and took their respective spots around Bella's living room. When Bella finished putting the DVD in, she came and sat down next to me. I moved my arm around her and brought her closer.
She smelled delicious.
I really wanted everyone to leave, so we could continue from where we had left off. I wasn't planning on having sex with her tonight, but I was hoping to at least make out on the couch, maybe a little playful grinding. I knew that plan was shot to hell though.
Alice finally spoke up as the credits started.
"So, are you guys an item now, or are you going to play hard to get a little longer? I've never seen Bella in a position like that before…so I'm hoping it was a step in the right direction?"
Bella looked up at me and smiled.
"Moving in the right direction, Alice. No peaking either! This needs to work out on its own." She pointed her finger for added emphasis.
After that, the conversation about Bella and me was over. We watched the movie, and I had to admit it was fucking funny. I was pretty sure that Emmett was going to be throwing in "I am the walrus" at random moments for the next few days, and Jasper kept talking about getting a new rug for his and Alice's living room.
I was aware then why I would never mention 'Encino Man' to Emmett. That would just be too much.
Half an hour later, everyone started to head out, and I stood up to leave with them. I got a few steps away when Bella gripped my arm and mouthed, "Stay".
The others looked back, but didn't say anything as I walked back to stand by Bella. When I heard the door click shut, I turned to face her and was immediately met with Bella's sweet lips on mine. I walked us back to the couch till the back of my knees hit the seat, and Bella broke away long enough to whisper out a breathy, "Sit down."
I sat down quickly, and she moved to straddle me. Her knees were on either side of my hips, and the kiss became more intense as she moved her fingers to my hair and pushed her sex down on my lap to move against my cock. I started running my hands up her sides, so that I could push her shirt up. She broke away from the kiss, and I moved my mouth to her neck as my fingers came in contact with the lacey material of her bra.
I really fucking wanted this; I wanted to feel her, but I knew we were moving too fast. Those thoughts didn't stop me though; I pushed up the cup of her bra down and let my fingers easily pass over her hard nipple. She gasped at the contact, and pushed down harder onto my lap. That movement seemed to snap me out of my haze for a few brief seconds.
"God, Bella. We need to stop." There was no way I was going to have sex with her tonight. We hadn't even declared what we were, and I certainly wasn't going to take her virginity without a title. Not to mention, we hadn't even gone on a date yet.
She stopped moving and leaned her head back to look at me. She looked genuinely hurt.
"Okay. I just thought…I'm not sure what I thought." It was just a whisper.
"I want you, Bella, but not like this. I don't want to fuck this up, and if we don't stop that's what's going to happen. You deserve better than this, and I can give it to you, but not tonight."
She looked at me and nodded her head, but I could tell she was still upset. Finally, she spoke again.
"Well at least stay here tonight? It's already really late. We don't have to do anything, but I would like for you to stay with me. Is that okay?" She was wringing her hands together like she always did when she was nervous.
Of course I said the first thing that came to mind.
"That's out-fucking-standing. I can't wait to curl up with you, love."
She looked like she wanted to say something else, but didn't. She just got up and led the way to her room. I watched as she took some clothes out of the drawer and made her way to the bathroom. She didn't speak at all or even look in my direction after entering the room.
Bella came out dressed to sleep a few minutes later, and she looked even more beautiful than before. She was wearing red and blue plaid sleeping shorts and a dark blue tank top. Her hair was piled into a messy bun on her head, and her face was slightly flushed from washing it.
"You can use the bathroom now. I don't have an extra toothbrush, but you can use mine if you want. I think we're past the cootie stage."
I nodded and walked into the bathroom. I took a brief look around before doing anything.
It was bright and clean. The sink had a fake marble overlay that, I guessed, came with the apartment, but everything else was Bella. The shower curtain was brown with dark blue flowers scattered over it. The rugs on the floor were the same dark blue as the flowers. I noticed the way her bags were haphazardly laying on the counter in one corner before I took the toothbrush out of the holder. I looked at the small piece of plastic and was hit with the weight of what this meant. I had never shared a toothbrush with anyone. I had also never spent the night with a woman.
I had been with Tanya, but afterward she would leave. She always said her room was better, which is why I was completely thrown by finding her fucking some guy in my room.
I shook my head to get rid of those thoughts then turned on the water. As I brushed my teeth, I thought about what was about to happen.
I was very nervous about tonight. I didn't want to make her uncomfortable, but I really wanted to cuddle. Yeah, I, Edward Masen wanted to fucking cuddle. I finished brushing my teeth and gave myself a little pep talk before walking back into the bedroom.
Bella was already in bed facing away from the door, so I pulled back the covers and lay down behind her. I noticed pretty quickly that she was almost asleep. Still, I wrapped one arm around her waist and gently pulled her to me, but before I got her close enough she rolled over and burrowed her head into my chest.
"Goodnight, Edward. Thanks for staying."
"Night, Bella. I'll stay as long as you want me."
She leaned her head up and then kissed my jaw. I lay there for awhile trying to find sleep, but I couldn't. Finally, Bella rolled away from me onto her stomach. I stared at the ceiling for a few minutes before I leaned up on my elbow and watched her sleep.
I had only been in Seattle for a little over a week, and I had found things I never thought I would have. I had a job, a place to stay, friends, and quite possibly a girlfriend. I had never been more pleased with the decision to move someplace.
Those thoughts passed through my mind as I reclined on my pillow and finally found sleep. My dreams were of Bella. She was in this same apartment with a little boy running after her. He had wild reddish brown hair like mine and deep chocolate eyes. Bella looked up at me and smiled right as the dream disappeared, and a loud screeching filled my ears.
BPOV
I didn't mean to wake him up. Hell, I didn't mean for the smoke detector to go off, but it did. I must have the most sensitive fire alarms in the whole city because steam could make those things go off.
I really should fix them.
A minute later, Edward stumbled into the kitchen holding his ears.
"I'm really sorry. It happens a lot. I know they're a pain in the ass." I said as I was stepping down from the chair that I had used to reach the fire alarm. When my feet touched the ground, I looked up at Edward. "Would you like some eggs?"
By the time he sat down at the bar, I had the smoke detector on the counter with the battery out. "That's a hell of a wake up call," he said, pointing to the dismembered device. "Next time just kiss me or grope me, alright? And I would love some eggs."
I was instantly transported back to my sex dream of Edward asking if I wanted him to "wake me up", and my face flushed a little.
"Next time I will definitely plan on waking you up differently. Here you go. Want juice or coffee?"
He had already started eating when he said coffee. I made myself some and stopped to ask how he took his.
"I like mine plain black, love; none of that sugary shit for me."
That wasn't first time he had called me "love", and I wondered if he meant it, or was I just looking too deep into his words? After all, last night I pretty much professed my love after his mini meltdown.
Edward really didn't see himself clearly. He only saw his shortcomings, and that was really sad. He had so much potential, and he sold himself short. I mean, I had only known him a short time, but I knew where this was heading. I was falling in love with this sweet, kind, artistic, cocky man. I could only hope that he was falling, too.
"Well, I like my coffee to give me sugar shock, so we're different there. I don't mind though; it just means more for me."
I winked as I placed the coffee beside him on the counter and sat at the bar stool beside him. We didn't speak much during breakfast, and after we were done, neither of us seemed to know what to do. I didn't want awkward, and that was where we were. We started talking at the same time…
"What are…"
"Well, I…"
We both laughed a little, and Edward motioned for me to continue.
"I have to go to the library on campus and return some books. I…"
He cut me off and started to stand. "Shit, Bella, I didn't mean to keep you. I'll head out. I don't want to be in the way."
He was already washing his plate off before I could speak.
"No, Edward. I was going to ask if you wanted to come with me. I mean, I don't know what your plans are, but if you're not busy I would like for you to hang out with me."
He smiled and said, "Bella, I don't have shit to do today, and I would be happy to follow you around wherever you go."
He had dressed before he came out of the bedroom, but I still had on my pajamas so I told him to wait for just a minute, and I changed quickly into jeans and a t-shirt. I let my hair fall down around my shoulders and put on some lip gloss. I was back in the living room in ten minutes.
During my absence, Edward had taken up residence on the couch and was currently flipping channels.
I thought that Edward probably wanted to change into clean clothes and decided we should probably stop by his place first.
This would give me a chance to see where he lived.
"So, before we head over to the campus, I was thinking we could swing by your place and let you change. Maybe you could get some clothes for tonight. I mean you could stay over again. We're both off tonight, so I could continue to educate you in film."
I had no idea where that last part came from, but it really wasn't a bad idea so I didn't take it back. Edward, however, looked shocked and kind of tense. He quickly turned off the television, but remained seated on the couch.
I had really thought he liked staying last night, but now I was convinced he only done it to be nice. How in the world could I mistake pity for love? I tried to keep my emotions in check as I realized I had this whole situation completely wrong. I started talking again. This time it was all jumbled.
"I mean you don't have to. It was just a thought, a random, inappropriate thought. I'm sorry. I don't do this, and I guess I'm just coming on a little strong…"
I was twisting my hands together and looking everywhere but the couch that Edward sat on.
"I want to stay, Bella. I just think that maybe this is moving fast. I don't want to put us in a position that would fuck this up. So let's just skip the motel and head to campus. My clothes are fine. I'll just stop by later and get something."
I had never felt more rejected than at that moment. Of course, that thought was barely gone when he basically pulled out the shot gun and "Old Yeller"-ed my self-esteem.
"Second thought, Bella, I just remembered I have to take my guitar in this morning. There's a little music store I found, and they are going to fix one of my pegs that's too loose. So I'll let you take care of your errands and see you later?"
He was off the couch, and moving for the door.
I didn't say anything because I knew what this was; it was the brush off. I opened the door for him and managed a quick, "Bye, Edward," before he was out the door, down the hall and gone. I shut and locked the front door then slid down to the floor.
I took inventory of everything I had done in the last twenty-four hours.
I had just spent last night making out and dry humping the man. I asked him to spend the night with me. He did all of these things without complaint. This was the awkward morning after without the sex. Thank God he stopped me.
The man of my dreams didn't find me the least bit attractive, and I had practically thrown myself at him.
I didn't cry, and that surprised me. Instead, I took some deep breaths and stood up. I got my books together and put them in my messenger bag before I made sure I had my keys, ID, and phone then I left my apartment.
The walk to campus took about fifteen minutes, and I liked the time to think. I really hoped that Edward would still say hello when we worked together. He was a really good friend, I hadn't lied about that. More than wishing for communication, I really hoped he stayed, and that I hadn't scared him off for good.
I walked up the steps to the library and decided that I would lock all this confusing Edward business away.
Maybe he wasn't the one for me after all.
EPOV
I hid in my room. I don't mean just behind a locked door either. I mean, I had the door locked, blinds drawn and was currently sitting on the floor, with my back against the wall between the bed and wall.
I was a fucking douche. She offered me her bed, and I went off the fucking deep end.
Who the fuck does that?
No, Bella I will not sleep with you. Second thought, I've got important made up shit to do because I'm a fucking loser."
I couldn't even look at her face when I left her apartment. I practically sprinted down the fucking hall.
All because I didn't want her to see where I lived? Fucking really? I just spent the night with the woman, shared her fucking toothbrush, and I didn't want her to come into my shitty motel room.
Wow.
I started banging my head against the wall with each word I said, "I'm" thud "fucking" thud "stupid" thud.
I should just pack up my shit and hit the road because I'm obviously too socially retarded to carry any kind of relationship.
I closed my eyes and thought of life without Bella. I didn't want that. I wanted to stay here.
It was Saturday, and I wasn't due to work again until Tuesday night. I resolved that when I went into that bar, I would sweep her off her feet. I was going to prove to Bella that I would never run away again.
I would spend the rest of my days trying to be the man that Isabella Swan deserved.
Thanks for reading!
So what do you think? How do you think E will make this up to her? Review and let me know.
