CHAPTER 7 CONFESSIONS
"You're first chair tomorrow." Santana snarled at her newbie associate as she dumped the case files on top of the table. The poor young man almost fell off his seat in surprise. His palms were sweating as he looked up to meet the stern eyes of his superior, who was towering before him.
Santana rolled her eyes when he didn't answer.
"Well, get on with it if you want to impress me."
"Yes, Ms. Lopez."
After hearing his almost-trembling reply, Santana marched back to her office and sat in front of her laptop. She's used to people fearing her; colleagues and adversaries alike. After all, she was a force to reckon with inside the courtroom. And in the office, she's both diligent and strict. Although she may be quite intimidating, she is also well-respected and admired.
Santana sighed as she looked at her watch and realized it was already 4:00 o'clock in the afternoon. She hadn't accomplished anything. That wasn't like her. She was so distracted she had to designate another associate to give the closing arguments earlier that morning. It was a good thing she printed it out beforehand.
It'd been two days since they got back from Veracruz and things had been weird between her and Kate. Kate was staying at her apartment, but somehow, they both kept their distance. Santana was so preoccupied by what happened during the cruise that she didn't pay any attention to the current situation with her girlfriend. She just shrugged it off as Kate giving her some space.
The lawyer stared at her laptop again, her hands suspended on top of the keyboard, not really moving. A motion was due to be filed in court the next day but she had barely written anything. It had been hours since she started but had only gotten past the title.
This wasn't going well.
She felt so frustrated. She wanted to cry. She wanted to run. She wanted to scream. She didn't do any of that though. Santana leaned back on her office chair and tried to relax. Her efforts to clear her head of thoughts of a blonde dancer and that amazing kiss were futile.
She closed her eyes.
The brunette was never lazy but she thought giving the task of finishing this written motion to her associates would be for the better.
"You need a break."
Santana didn't have to open her eyes to know exactly who it was. In her mind, she imagined Noah Puckerman standing by her door, with that 'charming' grin on his face. Well, 'charming' according to him anyway. The brunette thought it was just creepy.
"Are you lost?" Santana opened her eyes and watched as Noah walked into the room and took the seat opposite her.
"Shabby district attorney's office." He looked around the room like he'd never been there before. "I can't possibly be mistaken." Noah puts on a face of fake disgust.
Santana just shook her head at the jab.
"What are you still doing here, Santana?"
"I'm working."
"You know what I mean."
"Are we going to have this talk again? Because my argument would still be the same."
"Overworked, underpaid. But it's the honorable thing to do, right?"
"I'm sorry I don't share your sympathy for the scheming capitalists that you represent." Santana could easily start her own private practice if she wanted to. But like she told her friends when she was in law school, she wasn't after the money. She enjoyed being in this dingy office, helping people.
"Hey, no need to get personal now. Mike and I just think that you're too brilliant to be stuck here."
"Get off my business then."
"So, is that your game plan? Be this honorable, underappreciated public servant, forever?"
"You know my game plan."
"The UN thing? Are you even doing something about it?" Noah leaned back on the chair. He had been observing Santana this whole time. He saw when his friend's eyes flickered to her desk drawer.
Santana pulled out an envelope. She pushed it towards Noah who picked it up and immediately saw the United Nations logo. He looked up at Santana with questioning eyes.
"Wow, so you were serious. What does it say?"
"I haven't opened it yet."
Confused, Noah prodded further.
"Why not?"
"I have too much on my mind right now. Maybe I'll open it later."
"Girlfriend trouble?"
Santana just shrugged. She got up from her chair and headed to the side of the room, picked up a cup throwing her friend a look over her shoulder.
"Coffee?" She asked.
"No thanks. I've had too much today already."
"So what do you want, Noah? Surely you didn't come here to just insult my office." Santana asked as she picked up the coffee maker and poured herself a cup. She placed two cubes of sugar and some cream, stirred for a while, then walked back to sit on her chair.
Her eyes met Noah's concerned ones.
"I was nearby, so I thought I'd visit."
"I'm kind of busy."
"Yeah right. Staring at your laptop doesn't count as doing something… You need a break."
"You said that already."
"I have something for you." Noah pulled out something from the inside pocket of his designer coat and placed it on the table.
Santana curiously eyed the envelope. Noah nodded at her, urging her to open it and she did. They were two tickets to Bora Bora.
The assistant district attorney looked up at her friend, lifting an eyebrow in the process.
"Is this your way of bribing me for some future sexual harassment case someone is probably planning to file against you?"
"Sexual harassment? Come on, I don't need to resort to harassment to get sexual favors." Noah looked smug as he laughed.
"What's this for?" Santana narrowed her eyes at her friend.
"Consider it as a gift."
"From who?"
"Me."
"Are you sure this isn't from any of your corporate clients trying to get into my good graces? Because I assure you, I don't have that."
"It's from me. I thought you could use a vacation somewhere really far. I mean, Mike watched you this morning at the courthouse." Noah need not even elaborate. Santana rolled her eyes at her blabbing friend Mike.
Sure she hadn't been herself the whole day. Actually, she hadn't been herself since that kiss with Brittany on the yacht. Thoughts of the kiss kept running in her head. She hadn't spoken to the blonde after that. The rest of the cruise was just plain uncomfortable. She avoided all possible encounters with Brittany. She'd told Kate that she wasn't feeling well to avoid any further questions.
Right, Kate.
Kate had been patient all this time. Her girlfriend didn't ask questions. Well, she knew better than to because her cousin Maya did try to poke her nose into Santana's business when she wouldn't join them for breakfast at the yacht and she just growled at her.
There was that pang of guilt in her chest again.
"Maybe you're right."
"So you'd take it?" Noah seemed pleased.
"Thanks, Puck." Santana smiled at him.
"I told you to stop calling me Puck."
"Okay, Puck." She laughed.
Puck tried to look annoyed but his smile gave him away. Santana couldn't be more thankful. She did need some space, some time away from LA with Kate, and without her crazy family. Somewhere, away from the people she knew. She needed this time to make it up to her girlfriend. She hadn't been a good one lately, kissing Britt and constantly thinking about her.
That's when her cellphone rang. Her face light up upon seeing it was Kate who was calling.
"Hey, babe."
Santana's cheerful voice brought a smile to Kate's face. But Santana, being on the other side of the line, wasn't able to see the sadness in Kate's eyes.
"Hi."
"So, why are you calling? Did you miss me?" Santana asked. Then she realized Noah was still in the room with a shit-eating grin on his face. She glared at him without so much of an effect. She watched as Noah got up from the chair, picked up his briefcase and motioned with his hand that he was leaving. Santana nodded and mouthed a thank you.
"I always miss you when you're not with me." Kate replied.
Santana wondered how she could even think of another blonde when she had such a wonderful girlfriend. She cared a whole lot about Kate.
"Can you come over my house tonight? I need to talk to you about something." The pilot continued.
There was something different with the way her girlfriend talked. She could not put a finger on it, but Santana was sure there was something different. Maybe she was tired. Was it exhaustion, or was it sadness? Kate's voice was somber.
"Yeah, okay. Do you want me to bring dinner?"
"I'll take care of it. I'll see you later, alright? I love you."
"I love you, Kate." Santana smiled and listened as Kate hung up the phone. But as soon as Santana was alone, her mind went back to Brittany; the way she looked in that red cocktail dress, the way she kissed her.
She had to stop doing that.
She slammed her laptop closed. Intent on not thinking about her hopeless situation with Brittany, she decided to leave the office early and kill sometime before going home to change into her casual clothes. Maybe she'd even buy Kate some flowers. She hadn't done that in a while.
Meanwhile, Kate was on the road, driving her black Audi A4. The blonde pulled the earplugs from hear ear and placed them with her cellphone on the center console. It didn't take long before she reached her destination.
Jake's dance studio.
Jake was Kate and Brittany's friend from highschool. He had done well in his career. Kate never doubted that he'd make it in Hollywood, considering how talented he was. Brittany had always been the better dancer though. Sometimes she wonders why Brittany chose to get out of the country when she could have done better than Jake.
But Kate wasn't here for Jake.
It was the third and last day of the cruise. They'd be back in the shores of Veracruz in a few hours, off the yacht and LA bound. Kate was never an early riser but she woke up early that morning. If she thought about it, she wasn't really able to sleep. She had been restless for two days now.
She needed someone to talk to, or she might explode. Thoughts of the other night at the topdeck swirled in her head, making her feel so many things: confusion, anger, worry, misery. She knew what she saw. But somehow, she refused to believe it. Kate didn't know why, but she wanted to give her girlfriend the benefit of the doubt.
She lay still on the bed, with her girlfriend peacefully sleeping beside her. Santana stirred, and Kate's eyes focused on her. The blonde reached for the brunette's face, softly caressing her cheek. After readjusting her position on the bed, she leaned closer so she could stare at Santana.
And then she thought of Brittany…
Brittany was one of the few people she trusted. Heck, she was one of the few people she first came out to when she was in college. The other blonde was one of the nicest people that ever existed, and she had always been thankful to have her as a friend.
And then the thought of Brittany and Santana on the topdeck came back to her.
She wanted to wake Santana, scream at her, confront her about what she saw, but she couldn't. Kate didn't have the energy. But she had no idea how long she could keep it in either.
Kate leaned even closer to Santana and kissed her lightly on the lips. Santana didn't move. She just scrunched her nose up and remained lost in her world of dreams. Carefully, the pilot pulled her girlfriend closer to her chest, her chin on the top of Santana's head. She stroke the brunette locks, loving the feel of silky hair on her hand.
Then Santana mumbled undecipherable words against her chest. Kate pulled away slightly, trying to hear what the lawyer was saying.
"Britt…"
She froze. Her girlfriend murmured a few other incoherent words. She didn't understand most, but she caught the last of it as the brunette snuggled closer.
"Iloveyou…" Santana rambled rather fast, but Kate heard it perfectly.
Like she just found the last piece of the puzzle, everything became clear to her. Right then, Kate finally exploded, and the tears started falling.
"That's one great turn, Brittany, but I think you need to polish it up a bit."
Brittany stopped turning upon hearing the sound of that voice. She wasn't expecting it, but it was a welcomed distraction. She had been dancing for hours now, and it seemed like she had been lost in her own world for a while there. It was only then that she realized Mike had already gone. Mike did say he would be leaving the studio to her in a few minutes. He didn't want to bother her to say goodbye.
Nobody was left in the studio but her. And now, Kate.
The dancer suddenly felt awkward, thinking of the kiss she stole from her friend's girlfriend. During the cruise, they barely talked. She rarely saw Kate during that time as her friend usually locked herself in her cabin room with Santana.
Brittany shook the 'Santana thoughts' out of her head. That's what she wanted to forget anyway.
"Do it again, Britt." Kate encouraged her.
Brittany smiled and tried the step again. The next time she finished the turn, she stopped and faced Kate, waiting for her to comment.
"That was awesome." The taller blonde walked towards the dancer who was sweating in her dance clothes.
"Thanks."
Both of them headed to a nearby bench. Brittany picked up a towel from a bag placed on the wooden floor and wiped her face with it. She missed this kind of bonding with Kate. They used to correct each other's dancing during their cheerleading days. It had always been fun. Dancing made them feel invincible. Well, they thought they were until one time Kate tried to do a complicated flip which broke her ankle in the process.
"You just missed Jake." Brittany said to break the silence.
"Actually, it's you that I came to see, Brittany."
"Hey, I thought you said lunch tomorrow?"
"Well, yeah, I just… I need someone to talk to."
"Okay." Brittany turned her body towards Kate's direction so she could focus her attention on her. She tried to set aside the guilt that she felt, the jealousy, because first and foremost, she was Kate's friend. She would always be.
Kate sat there, facing the dance floor, her eyes focused on nothing in particular. She just sat staring into space, lost in thought. The look on Kate's face was heartbreaking. Brittany wondered what was causing it.
"Do you know how long Santana got over that girl in Paris?"
Kate's question caught her off-guard. Brittany didn't expect that the conversation would immediately turn into the very subject she wanted to avoid.
"No, Kate…" Brittany's voice trembled and she hoped that her friend did not notice.
"She took years."
"That's a long time." Brittany tried to rid herself of the emotions. Did she really make Santana suffer that long?
"I knew I wanted her. That first time I saw her, I wanted to ask her out on a date but she was so heartbroken. We became friends first. I fell in love with her Brittany, so I waited for her… I waited so long for her." Kate's voice was breaking and Brittany didn't know what to do, whether to reach out and comfort her. This conversation with Kate was making her feel guiltier by the minute.
Then Brittany wondered what the problem was. Kate already had Santana. So why was her friend on the verge of crying?
"And now you got the girl." If her heart could break, Brittany's would have been split in two by now.
"I'm not sure that I did." Kate softly said.
"Kate, don't be ridiculous."
Finally, Kate lifted up her gaze to meet Brittany's. It was hard to guess what that look was. Kate was neither accusing nor angry. She was just… hurt.
"You know what my greatest fear is?" Kate asked. Brittany just shook her head and Kate continued. "I'm afraid that one day this girl from Paris would come back and steal Santana away from me."
"She wouldn't… Santana loves you…", Brittany whispered.
"This isn't fair…" Kate was sobbing now. The dancer remained glued to her seat, opting not to console her friend. She was the last person in the world who could. "I've wondered about that girl all this time and it turns out, I've been so close to her all along."
That's it. Kate knew. And Brittany did not know what to do.
Brittany felt like the worst person in the world.
"I thought you're my friend."
"I am your friend."
"When were you going to tell me? Or did you even consider telling me?"
It was amazing how the taller blonde could stay calm, considering what she just found out.
"I didn't want to hurt you, Kate."
"Really? You didn't think kissing my girlfriend would hurt me?" Kate's voice rose slightly in exasperation. This was the only moment since their conversation started that the taller blonde showed frustration over the situation.
The dancer knew she had no defense to that. To be honest, if she were given an opportunity to change anything that happened on the yacht, she wouldn't have changed what happened at the topdeck. That one moment with Santana was the happiest she'd been in a long time, even if it was temporary.
There was no use to deny it.
"Kate-" No matter how hard she tried, Brittany knows that she can never make the truth less painful to her friend.
"All this time, you lied to me."
"What was I supposed to do? I can't just tell you, 'hey Kate, guess what, I'm that girl your girlfriend was in love with!'. I don't want to embarrass you in front of her family. I don't want to make things awkward between us. Santana's happy with you, she's better with you, Kate. I'm not going to stand in the way of her happiness or yours."
"So why did you kiss her? If you were so concerned about me, why did you kiss my girlfriend when I was just around the corner? Did you even consider my feelings when you were kissing Santana?"
"I'm sorry..."
"You had your chance with her and you blew it. You pushed her away. So why did you have to do this now, Brittany? Why do you have to ruin everything?" Kate had stopped crying at that point. She felt bitter and angry, and now she's taking it out on Brittany.
Highschool seemed less complicated now, when they used to fight over boys that neither of them really cared about.
"Santana loves you, Kate. You have to believe that."
"But not the way she loves you. She's still in love with you Brittany. Do you even realize how lucky you are?"
"Kate, I know it's my fault. I'm sorry, but please don't-"
But before Brittany could even say anything else, her friend was already running out of the door.
"Kate!" The dancer tried to run after Kate, but the pilot had always been better at running. Kate had already screeched away in her Audi before Brittany could even get to the parking lot.
She was too late.
Dinner was ready when Santana finally parked her Ford Mustang in front of Kate's house. She was dressed casually in a pair of jeans and a white v-neck. The tickets from Noah secured inside her purse. As soon as Kate opened the door, the lawyer felt there was something wrong. Her girlfriend just gave her a peck on the lips instead of her usual 'I-can't-wait-to-make-out-with-you' kiss.
Santana ignored the change in Kate's demeanor and just assumed that she must be tired. Kate quietly led her to the dining room where they took opposite chairs. There was nothing romantic about it. The blonde just ordered pizza from their favorite place just down the block and picked up some dumplings somewhere.
While Santana was enjoying the dumplings, her girlfriend's silence was starting to worry her. She didn't seem to be in the mood, so she reached for her purse and pulled out the envelope from Noah, hoping that it would make Kate smile at least.
"Hey babe, you're going back to work in a few days and I was hoping that we could have more time together. I mean, you'd be gone for months again and I would really miss you, so… here." Santana placed the tickets on top of the table.
Kate's eyes darted from her plate to the tickets. Then she looked up at Santana. The brunette was smiling at her, expecting her answer. Santana reached for Kate's right hand and intertwined their hands together.
For a while, Kate just watched their hands. She couldn't help but smile. It always felt so good having Santana's hand with hers.
Santana smiled back, but the fact that Kate's smile did not reach her eyes did not get past her.
"We've never been to Bora Bora together. I like doing this with you, Kate." Santana gestured on their table and their food. "But I'd like to go to fancy dinners with you too. I want to have alone time with you without anyone else bothering us. I want to get away from here, from work, from everything worrisome about LA and just be with you. So, babe, come to Bora Bora with me."
Reluctantly, Kate turned her eyes from their hands to Santana's eyes. She sighed. She knew she was going to miss those eyes so much.
"I'm not going, Santana." Kate sounded apologetic, but determined at the same time. Santana looked on, confused.
"What? But I thought you still have a few days off. My boss allowed me to go on-leave and I intend to take advantage of it." Santana tugged on Kate's hand to get her attention again, the blonde seemed to be at a loss. "Babe, is something wrong? Why wouldn't you want to go with me?"
"Because I'm breaking up with you."
Well, she certainly didn't expect that for an answer.
She waited for the avalanche of feelings, the assault of tears, but nothing came. Santana just sat there, looking back at the sad eyes of her girlfriend. Kate was trying her damn best not to cry. But Santana just knew that Kate wouldn't be able to hold it in much longer. She contemplated on what to say. Was she supposed to object? Was she supposed to beg Kate not to leave her?
Confused, that was how she felt at the sudden decision. She wouldn't say she was relieved. She never wanted to hurt Kate because she did love her. She wouldn't say she was lonely, because right now, she just felt like an empty shell, devoid of any real emotion.
Where was this even coming from? They were just supposed to have dinner.
"I heard you call out Brittany's name. That last morning at the yacht, before we sailed back to Veracruz, you called Brittany's name. You don't just dream about your friends. You don't just call their names in the most intimate way in your sleep. It's not normal." Kate explained after seeing utter confusion on the brunette's face.
Santana was surprised to hear that. And she knew she had no choice. She knew it was time to tell her the truth. She was tired of trying to hide and fight it anyway. Pausing a moment to gather her courage, she pulled back her hand.
"It wasn't just a dream... It's a memory..." The Latina did not even have to think of what dream. There was only one dream that kept coming back to her, and that was the night before Brittany first left for Paris. "It was her… That first time you saw me crying on the plane... It was Brittany. Brittany was the one who broke my heart in Paris..."
"I know." Of course, Kate knew that already.
"What? How-"
"I saw the kiss."
Oh.
"And then it hit me. Did you even think about telling me?"
"I didn't want to hurt you." Santana was genuinely concerned about her feelings, but Kate was too hurt now to even care.
"Funny. Brittany said the same thing. I swear you two are like soulmates or something and I hate it. I'm so jealous of it." Kate was full-on crying now. Santana was about to get up from her chair to hug her but Kate stopped her.
She didn't want to be comforted or hugged. Nothing could comfort her right now. The blonde just wanted this all done and over with.
"I thought I could look past it. I thought it didn't mean anything. But there was this eye-opening moment when everything just clicked. I'd been a little slow getting it, probably because I trusted both of you too much. And that you forgot to mention how small this world is. I finally knew what those looks meant, those little inside jokes that only the two of you could understand. It was her. Brittany was the girl you followed to Paris."
"I'm sorry… Hurting you was never my intention. But like I told you before we started dating, she's a part of my past. Brittany was my past and you're my present, Kate."
"And who do you see in your future?"
Santana stared, not knowing what to say. She never really thought about that before.
"Let's stop fooling ourselves here, shall we? You're still in love with Brittany."
"I'm not."
"Are you saving face or are you saying that because you sincerely want to salvage this relationship?"
Santana looked defeated. Even her courtroom skills were not enough to help her on this one. Honestly, she didn't want to fight anymore. Kate was right anyway.
She's still in love with Brittany.
"You said you love her in your sleep. You never said that about me." Kate did not bother to mask the bitterness, hurt and pain.
The brunette felt the twinge of guilt on her chest again. Was her heartache ever going to end?
"Kate, I do love you."
"I know. I never doubted that. But we both know it's not enough. There's nothing left to save."
"Kate..."
"I love you, Santana. I want you for myself. But... Despite of all these feelings I have for you, all I really care about is your happiness. I want you but if being with me would not make you happy, then I'm not going to be happy. So I'm setting you free."
It was then that Santana felt something.
She felt alone and lonely.
It's the same feeling she had when she woke up without Brittany in her bed. And that's when she felt the tears falling from her eyes.
"I'm so sorry…"
"Yeah. Me too."
Both of them stood and they gravitated towards each other. Kate wrapped her arms around Santana tightly and Santana did the same, both taking pleasure in the remaining time that they had.
"Please don't think that I never loved you…" Santana managed to say in between tears. "I'm really sorry, Kate…"
"Goodbye, Santana…" Kate kissed Santana on her forehead before the blonde pulled away from the embrace and went to the stairs, away from her now ex-girlfriend.
Santana was alone in the dining room of Kate's house. She grabbed a tissue, wiped her tears, took one last look around the house, and whispered…
"Goodbye, Kate…"
Quinn Fabray was forced out of her sleep. Her cellphone kept ringing and despite her cancelling them, the calling just became more insistent. Finally paying attention as to who was bothering her, she realized it was Santana. She glanced at the clock on her bedside table. She groaned.
It was 2:00 a.m. The photographer begrudgingly got out of bed, never bothering to check her appearance on the mirror, and tiptoed through the hallway as she passed her daughter's bedroom on her way to the stairs.
She was surprised when she opened the door to a disheveled Santana.
"Santana, it's 2 o'clock in the morning... Why aren't you sleeping? That's what normal people do." Quinn let her friend into her living room and closed the door behind them. The brunette slumped on the couch.
"Look, I'm sorry for coming at this unholy hour, but my mind is doing tricks, I couldn't stop thinking, I couldn't sleep... I need to talk to someone, and I got nowhere else to go... I'm sorry..."
Quinn remained standing as she crossed her arms.
"What's wrong?" Quinn knew perfectly that something was wrong.
"Kate broke up with me."
"What?"
"She told me she couldn't be with me because I'm in love with Brittany."
"Well, are you?" Quinn raised an eyebrow. Santana did not see the look on her friend's face because she kept looking everywhere else but at Quinn.
Santana didn't answer. It's not like she had to. Quinn already knew the answer to that.
"How about Kate, do you love her?"
"Love is a relative term."
"We're back to square one again, aren't we?" Quinn's sympathetic look almost broke Santana down. The blonde leaned closer and enveloped her friend in a hug.
"Truth is, when you said you were over Britt, I never believed you for one minute. But Santana, is it worth it? Is it worth hurting Kate for someone who's so indecisive about you?"
"I don't know."
"What happened? Tell me how you and Kate got from dancing to slow wedding songs to breaking up." Quinn was fully awake now. This was going to be a long conversation so she took a seat beside Santana.
"She kissed me."
"Who?"
"Brittany kissed me."
"When?"
"At my aunt's wedding anniversary, she kissed me on the yacht. Kate was at the ballroom and I was there, at the sundeck returning Brittany's kiss... I know that was wrong, okay? My mind kept telling me to back off, but I couldn't... I didn't want to." Santana said the last part with the tone of a petulant little child.
"Brittany kissed you?"
"Yes."
"So what happens now? What does this mean for you and Brittany?"
"I don't really know. Brittany sucks when it comes to talking about feelings and I can't even tell if she's just trying to ruin my life or if she's messing with my brain or if she has actual, genuine feelings for me. Am I supposed to guess based on her actions? So what are the chances? I probably just have a really wild imagination..."
"You didn't imagine her kissing you."
"No, that was definitely real."
Quinn paused to contemplate for a moment before voicing out her suspicions.
"Did you really believe, even for just a moment that everything that happened between you and Brittany, didn't mean anything to her?"
"What are you saying?"
"Maybe that one night with you wasn't just sex."
Santana looked surprised and confused at Quinn.
"What, don't you know the girl you're in love with? She's too decent to engage in such random things. Honestly, I still couldn't believe what you'd always believed—that you were just her 'one last fling' in LA. A fling? I know too well that she wouldn't go that far for a fling, and with a girl for that matter. Even if it would've been her last. I don't think she even ever considered dating a woman. She slept with you, shattered your heart but came back to make amends, tolerated you despite how much of a pain in the ass you are, and then she kissed you. Knowing that your girlfriend, who also happened to be her friend, might catch you, she took that risk to kiss you. What do you think is that about?"
"Are you telling me now that-"
"I'm telling you to stop jumping into conclusions. Go, talk to her. Maybe there's something more to this than what she's telling, or not telling you. No supposedly straight girl in her right mind would go on kissing another girl who has a girlfriend just around the corner for fun. That definitely would be uncharacteristic of Brittany."
Pause...
"Some people are just afraid, Santana. Maybe she's afraid. I would be. I don't think she ever expected someone like you coming into her life."
Santana thought of it. But she was exhausted. So she veered the conversation away from Brittany and went to another interesting thing that happened the previous day.
"I got the letter from the United Nations yesterday."
"What?"
"That dream job I've always wanted—the position in The Registry of the International Court of Justice in The Netherlands. It's being offered to me."
"Wow, uh... So, what are you going to do?"
"I don't know, Quinn. I don't have much time to confirm. I want to go there but I still have to think about it."
"About the UN job or about Brittany?"
"Both."
"Where do you plan to go?"
"Some place far from here where I wouldn't have to fight the temptation of seeing Brittany..."
Thanks to Noah, Santana found herself alone in a room at St. Regis Resort in Bora Bora a couple of days later. She spent her first day being pampered with massages, a body scrub, and a facial treatment. The second day, she took a tour, watched a Polynesian dance, and tried stargazing. She didn't enjoy it though. It just made her wish she came with someone. On the third day, well, the need for alcohol became too much. There wasn't much nightlife in Bora Bora and restaurants usually closed at 9:00 p.m. Luckily, her third day fell on a Saturday, which meant Club Med opened and she could finally have fun and party.
Santana had been walking around, waiting to get an empty seat at the bar. With already a half-full drink in her hand, a chair did not really matter. But as she planned to stay longer, she didn't mind waiting.
Until she bumped into someone, sending the contents of her glass all over her clothes. Her normal reaction would be to scream at the stupid person who clashed into her but she had no energy. Instead, she just ignored the person.
"Assistant District Attorney Santana Lopez." The other person called her name, which surprised Santana. The person who bumped into her sounded so sure about her identity. And out of curiosity, she finally turned her gaze to look at whom the voice belonged to.
Santana stood staring. The person before looked all too familiar but she could not place her somewhere.
Then her jaw dropped.
"Hallie?" Santana was more than astounded.
Hallie Pierce was older, taller, and prettier. And she looked a lot more like Brittany.
"I thought you wouldn't remember. It took you quite a while there." Hallie chuckled. The younger Pierce had darker blonde hair and had that air of roguishness in her.
"Wow, you've... Grown. A lot." Santana laughed at herself and opened her arms for a big hug. Hallie walked towards her and embraced her. Even at her age, Hallie towered over the brunette.
"Sorry about that." Hallie apologized, referring to the collision.
"I forgive you, but just this one time." Santana joked as she pulled away. "I'm surprised to see you here."
"Not as surprised as I am. You never visited after my sister left. Ever. And just so you know, I haven't forgiven you." Hallie joked back.
"Then we're even... So, how did you get in here, and," Santana looked around as if looking for someone. "Are you here with a boyfriend? Please say no because you're a minor, and I'm a prosecutor." Santana laughed, disregarding the fact that Brittany's sister shouldn't be in a bar.
"Don't have one."
"Really? I'm sure those highschool boys would kill each other for you." The Pierces seemed to have really good genes.
"Thanks. Too bad for them, I'm not into highschool boys. Especially when I limited my choices to doctors AND lawyers." Hallie joked, grinning at her. "I always thought you were cute." Hallie gave her an exaggerated wink that got the lawyer laughing so hard.
"What am I, a teddy bear? And hey, you're fifteen. You're too young to date doctors and lawyers." Santana playfully punched Hallie on her right shoulder.
"There are no boundaries in love anymore, Santana. And for your information, I'm sixteen."
"There's a difference? So, who are you with, friends, parents?" Santana let her eyes wander in search for Hallie's possible companions.
"Actually-" Hallie did not have to finish her sentence upon realizing that Santana's eyes finally locked onto the person Santana had been asking about.
It was Brittany.
The dancer was standing on her right not so far away, watching them.
Santana looked away. She felt a lump on her throat as Brittany walked towards them. She wasn't really expecting or hoping to see Brittany today. That's the reason why she went here in the first place. Bora Bora was really far and filled with people.
"Hi, Santana."
"Hello, Britt."
The two curtly nodded at each other and exchanged a tight-lipped smile. The tension-filled atmosphere did not escape Hallie. She shifted her eyes back and forth between Santana and her sister, who stood silently for a few seconds. Then Santana cleared her throat.
"Did you know I was here?" Brittany asked casually while making her way towards them.
"No. Seeing you was actually the last thing on my mind right now."
Hallie was intrigued. This certainly wasn't the way Brittany and Santana interacted with each other. Santana, feeling Hallie's eyes on her, turned her eyes back to the younger Pierce.
"I got to go. See you around. Bye, Hallie." Santana smiled at Hallie and purposely avoided looking at Brittany.
"Hey, we're staying at the Four Seasons if you want to hang out sometime." Hallie called after Santana. Santana caught the wince on Hallie's face as Brittany elbowed her at her ribs.
"I'll try to remember that." Santana smiled.
As the sisters watched Santana walk away, Hallie couldn't help but say-
"Yummy lips..." The youngest Pierce grinned.
Brittany looked astounded and embarrassed, and glared at Hallie.
"What? I'm just saying." Hallie rolled her eyes at her sister whose face was so red. Brittany marched away from Hallie to go back to their table.
The rest of the night was uneventful. But neither Santana nor Brittany got enough sleep.
On Santana's fourth day at Bora Bora, she went on another tour, fed sharks and stingrays, went to see museums, and waited for the beautiful sunset.
Santana sat on the sand, her arms wrapped around her knees, while her Canon DSLR lay forgotten on her side. Her first few days in the island were exciting. There seemed to be endless activities to keep her busy and keep her mind off things. But she was running out of things to do the longer she stayed. The feeling of loneliness starts to creep in, and the fact that Brittany was in the same island with her wasn't exactly helping.
She felt defeated and exhausted. All those years away from Brittany, all her time with Kate, they were starting to feel like they didn't happen. She was back to feeling exactly like the time Brittany broke her heart. So what was she to do now? Was she supposed to pine after Brittany again? It was becoming a cycle and Santana just wanted it to stop. Moving on was never an option though. She tried that and where did that get her?
Back to square one.
The timing of the job offer at the International Court of Justice, one of the five organs of the United Nations, couldn't have been more perfect. She could bury herself with work and maybe forget that she actually had a life.
The brunette picked up her camera and took shots of the setting sun. It was so beautiful. Her mind wandered to the thought of what it would be like to watch it with Brittany.
It must have been wonderful.
Santana got up and strapped the camera onto her right shoulder. She'd had enough of feeling miserable today. Maybe the alcohol in the fridge of her hotel room could get her through. Just as she was walking away from her spot on the sand, she heard her name being called by someone behind her.
"Santana."
She was surprised. But there was no need to turn and see to whom that voice belongs to. She could recognize that voice anywhere.
"San, wait."
"Why don't you just shoot me?" Santana growled at Brittany, not stopping, but turning her head to give her a brief look.
"Look, I don't know why we both ended up here, of all the places in the world. Not everything is my fault, you know. Maybe it's fate. Maybe we're supposed to be here so we could have... closure." Brittany increased her pace. Good thing she had long legs—longer strides.
"Closure? You're kidding, right? Do you really think I could have closure? There's obviously nothing I could do to close the chapter of my life involving you. I just can't. It's my curse." Santana turned to Brittany as if she just lost her head.
Or maybe the long legs weren't helping. Brittany was having a hard time catching up with Santana.
"Where are you going? I'm talking to you. San!" Brittany's voice was louder, more determined. But she was nowhere near to stopping the stubborn, and apparently annoyed, lawyer.
"Santana Marie Lopez!"
Brittany shouted her full name that made some people around stop. Santana stopped walking. Brittany, like her mother, only calls her by her full name when she's really mad.
"What?" Grudgingly, she turned around, an eyebrow raised.
"You don't want to see me, I get it. Just-"
"Actually, you don't because I do want to see you. I love looking at you... I-" Santana trailed off, avoiding Brittany's eyes. She let her eyes focus on the sand, but she couldn't help it when her eyes gravitated towards a pair of blues. "It's your eyes that I want to see first in the morning, and the last before I go to sleep and kiss you goodnight. I want to pick you up from work, take you to dinner and watch a cheesy chick flick with you, or maybe some occasional concert or surprise Rachel in one of her Broadway shows. When I receive the special invite for Kurt's next fashion show, I don't want to see just my name on it, I want to see ours. I want to buy you flowers and chocolates for no reason. When Quinn has to go to work out of town and forces me to babysit Beth again, I want to babysit her with you. I want to visit my grandparents' cabin in Aspen on winters with you so we could cuddle in front of the fireplace and drink on the same cup of coffee. I want to take you to Prague, Barcelona, Tuscany, Paris, Monte Carlo, and everywhere that sounds romantic and take tons of photos of us that I could place in lame photo albums that I could show off to my friends. I want to be able to go home to you after a long day at work, just spend some quiet time with you, maybe massage your feet when I know you're tired as well, I just... And now, seeing you here makes me want all those things even more and it hurts that all I can do is stand here and look at you and... Just so you know, it's taking all of my energy here to not wrap my arms around you and never let go... I know I'm not supposed do that. We decided to stay away from each other."
Brittany's eyes watered. She couldn't say anything for a while, letting Santana's words ring in her head, then finding her voice again.
"No. YOU decided." Brittany corrected.
Santana heard her sigh in defeat.
"And you made the right decision... Because I'll probably just cause you more pain, like what I keep doing, and I... I don't want to hurt you anymore."
"Gee, thanks." Santana said sarcastically.
"I'm sorry..."
"If I kept track of how many times you've said that word to me since you came back, I'd probably have ran out of fingers already."
"I'm a coward, okay?... When you asked me how I feel about you, I didn't answer, and I probably hurt you more by not saying anything, but... I'm not like you, Santana..."
"What's that supposed to mean?"
"I'm not as brave as you. It had always been hard for me, trying to understand this... This feeling when I'm with you. You make me really, really happy, and... I like that feeling, but I'm not- I can't..."
"So you do have feelings for me? What kind?" Santana challenged her, knowing that Brittany would just avoid answering like she always does.
Brittany just continued.
"You're sure about yourself. You know who you are and you know exactly how you feel about me. That's the difference between us. I don't know what to think about this whole thing. I haven't felt this way about any guy, and I've never been attracted to a woman before... San, you're one of a kind… There was never a day that I didn't think of you all those time that I was away, and it's driving me crazy... Seeing you with Kate is driving me even crazier, it makes me want to pick up an ice skate and use its blade on someone."
"Crazy is not a feeling, it's a state of mind. That doesn't really explain why you slept with me or why you kissed me, Brittany. I just wanted to know if you love me or not. It's that simple."
"Well, I'm complicated. Weren't you the one who told me that?"
"Yeah... And out of all the complications in my life, you're the most painful one to deal with." Santana turned to leave.
"This isn't easy for me, San… Please…"
Letting out a deep breath, Brittany closed her eyes momentarily. She did not expect to see Santana at Bora Bora at all. It was ironic that both of them were trying to stay away from each other, going to the farthest places they could, and yet they still ended up bumping into each other. Just like now.
When she opened her eyes again, Brittany finally said what she came to say.
"I just need tonight."
"What?"
"I don't deserve to ask you for anything, but... Will you have dinner with me?"
"Will Hallie be there?"
"I was hoping it would be just you and me."
"Just you and me? What, are you asking me out on a date? Because I think we're way past that stage of dating." The lawyer did not even bother to mask the sarcasm.
"It doesn't have to be a date. It could be just dinner. You know, whatever you want to call it. Please, I just want to remember how it feels like to be with you, even if it's for the last time. Just this one last time, then I'll leave you alone. I'll let you go on with your life and find the happiness that you deserve. Just a nice, pleasant evening together, without the complications."
A night alone with Brittany in this small and romantic French Polynesian island was a tempting offer. But Santana couldn't help but have reservations.
"I promise, no pineapple on your pizza." Brittany smiled.
"We're having pizza?" The brunette frowned.
Brittany laughed and shook her head.
"No. I was just trying to make you smile. Do you know that if you frown too much you're going to develop wrinkles on your forehead?"
Santana did smile.
"Okay."
"Okay?" Brittany was surprised.
"Was I of the wrong impression that it was the answer you were hoping for?"
"No, I... That's exactly what I wanted to hear." The smile on Brittany's face was touching Santana's heart. Santana just had to look away, reminding herself to find a way to resist that smile.
"Just promise me one thing."
"Anything."
"Stay away from my comfort zone."
"What?" Brittany frowned in confusion.
"Just don't get too close... Proximity without intimacy is- well, torture." Santana honestly replied, then walked away.
