Chapter 7: It Hurt too much
(Italics - Handwritten letter)
The Doctor always had a plan. He always knew if he regenerated. He would remember every face, every life and companion in each lifetime. He would carry it with him always.
And sometimes, very rarely, something we lost can come back to us.
(Twelfth Doctor)
He remembered Bowtie.
Bowtie lost so, so much. He wanted all that pain to go away, he lost his best friends, he lost his wife, he lost a family.
He knew if he could change his face, if he could have that wish. Wish the memory to be only a memory, he would remember but it wouldn't hurt as much as it once was.
He would never see Amy and Rory again. But as for River there is always a chance. To see her.
But he couldn't carry this forever. He can't. He wanted the change he welcomed it. At least he could handle it better.
Let this feeling change to fondness, its the only way.
XXX
River
I thought I was ready.
I thought I wasn't going to feel like this.
I wanted, No I hoped that if I ever saw you after another regeneration.
Just the tiny possibility of me seeing just a glimpse of you in a new face.
All of it will change.
I would remember you as you are.
Your name, your face and our life together.
But it to be only a memory.
Because it hurt River, it hurt because I had to let you go twice.
Bowtie couldn't handle it. He kept it hidden in his big blue box upon a cloud.
It was bad.
Back then I promised myself, if I ever got the chance, it wouldn't be love, it would grow to fondness.
Fondness without the heartbreak of missing your hearts beat with mine.
I didn't want to miss you so much it hurt.
I thought I was ready next time I ever saw you.
I thought I could handle your memory better.
Handle your memory in another lifetime.
Little did I know.
Many centuries later you threw that hope of ever wanting it away.
I was older, I was cold and I had no companion. And I was alone.
Till knock on my door would change my life.
A odd little man asking for a surgeon.
A surgeon. Hah!
Not that far off.
And that odd little man brought me the most wonderful gift of all.
And on Christmas day.
Reuniting me with my dearest wife I will always remember.
You.
You River. I saw you and it was amazing.
You probably didn't share it with me at first but it didn't matter.
I was stupid.
How could I ever think fondness can compare to this.
Seeing you.
I was wiser, warmer and I had you.
I love you River.
Even when your mad at me.
Threatening me.
Look at me with no love in those eyes.
No matter the hurt. I felt the same as I ever did.
A husband wanting to be with his wife.
With all I have
Your Doctor
Author's Notes:
Mentions of The Snowmen and THORS episodes.
