Check Out the Treads on That Tank

Still crouched behind a rock with bullets smashing into the canyon wall behind them, Church and Tucker had a while to contemplate their existence before it was eventually snuffed out by the continuous stream of bullets. Eventually, Church asked the question that really needed to be asked in a situation like this one:

"My god, doesn't that thing ever run out of bullets?"

"You know, in hindsight, we should have brought the tank," Tucker commented.

"Hey, Tucker, what good is a tank gonna do us if nobody here knows how to drive it?" Church asked irritably.

"Yeah, I can see how hiding behind a rock is a much better strategy."

"Well, yeah, but... oh man, I guess I gotta give that one to ya," Church admitted.

The tank in question had just been boarded by the brave Caboose. As the canopy closed, the tank's lights lit up, and a cool female voice sounded through the speakers. "Hello, and thank you for activating the M808V Main Battle Tank. You may call me Sheila."

Caboose's family had always taught him to be polite, so he replied, "Hello. Sheila. Big tank lady," he stammered nervously.

"Would you like me to run the tutorial program?" the tank asked.

Still trying to get used to the idea of a tank that could talk, Caboose replied,"Oh, that'd be very nice. Thank you."

"Tutorial program activated," Shelia declared. "This program is intended to instruct non-certified personnel in the use of this Scorpion class tank. Let's begin with some driving."

"Okay," Caboose said. He did his best to calm his nerves as the tank's treads began to roll across the ground. This isn't so bad, he thought.

It had been fun at first, but seeing Simmons just fire the Warthog's turret at the rocks was getting boring. Even Simmons seemed to have gotten bored (or he'd just run out of breath) given that he was no longer spouting insults every second. Grif was happy that the constant fire wasn't getting them shot at, and non-productivity certainly was his thing, but this was just getting ridiculous.

"Simmons," Grif called, but Simmons couldn't hear him over the sound of the turret. "SIMMONS!" he yelled again.

Simmons heard him the second time and he hopped down from the turret.

"Man, that thing is loud," Grif commented.

Neither Grif nor Simmons were observant enough to notice the tank that was driving behind them in the distance, guided by Shelia's expert direction and poor Caboose's panicked controls.

In Simmons' case it was certainly understandable, given that the noise had pounded his ears badly. "...WHAT?" he yelled.

"Come on, let's sneak around the back of the rock and get 'em out," Grif suggested.

"OKAY."

"Keep it down!" Grif snapped. "Jesus. Let's go, before they figure out what's going on."

Poor Caboose was utterly bamboozled. Shelia was doing her best to assist him, but there was only so much that an automated tutorial program could do with such an incompetent soldier. Currently, the tank had somehow ended up driving up a large rock and the main cannon was waving helplessly in the air, helplessness that was only mirrored in the mind of Caboose.

"Now that you've mastered driving the M808V, let's move on to some of the safety features," Shelia informed Caboose.

"No, no, wait, go back!" Caboose protested as the tank finally slipped off the rock. "Why are there six pedals if there are only four directions?" he asked in despair.

Church peeked out from behind the rock, while Tucker cowered behind him. "Psst, hey, they stopped firing," he whispered to Tucker.

"Why are you whispering?" Tucker asked in confusion.

"Uhm... I don't know," Church admitted, still whispering.

"Aw, crap, I don't think we're gonna be able to get around this way," Grif moaned as he looked up at the cliff.

Simmons was getting pissed. "Tell me again, uh, why did we get out of the jeep?" he asked irritably.

Neither Grif nor Simmons noticed the presence of the only other armoured vehicle in the canyon rolling up behind them.

"Well, I guess it was this or sit there and watch you shoot rocks all day long," Grif retorted.

"Well, at least that was fun," Simmons complained, and then he saw something move out of the corner of his eye, at the same time as Grif noticed the heat behind them. They turned simultaneously to see the giant death machine...looking, was it looking at them?

"Holy CRAP. What in God's name is that thing?" Grif gasped.

"Tucker, don't be stupid," Church protested as they looked at the empty Warthog. "They're just trying to draw us out."

"No they're not, look - they left the jeep. They're gone," Tucker said patiently.

Church frowned to himself, so much that Tucker could hear it in his words. "Well, I don't know about this. It seems pretty fishy, but... alright screw it, let's go get it."

That thing is definitely looking at us, Grif thought. Fuck, is this like that movie with the dinosaurs? "Dude, hold still," he whispered to Simmons. "I don't think it sees us."
His conclusion became much less certain when he heard a tone go off.