Chapter 7
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"The distance is quite simply much too far for me to row.
It seems farther than ever before.
Oh, no.
I need you so much closer…I need you so much closer."
-Transatlanticism (Death Cab For Cutie)
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I look around at the darkness that has somehow captured me. I'm dreaming, that much I know, but I'm not quite sure what this dream is and where I am. I'm not usually afraid of the dark, but this is different. It is pitch black and no matter where I turn, I see nothing. The cold feeling is slowly creeping on to me and I try to pull on my jacket to get warmer, but I don't seem to be wearing one. I shiver as a cool breeze passes by and decide to walk forward in search of some light. The darkness does not seem to be ending and it's as if I'm moving my feet, but I'm not moving anywhere.
I turn to my left and, suddenly, a light appears out in front of me. It's small and dim, but it's there and I run to it. The comfort of seeing light has never felt so great. The light was far from where I stood, but I reached it in a matter of seconds and I can now see where it's coming from, a huge manor. It looked to be about thousands of years old. The outside was covered in vines and moss. The windows were all dusty and some are even broken in certain areas.
I look to the front door and see that the source of the light is coming from the little lamp in the front porch. Another cold breeze blows by and I decide to go inside, hoping for some warmth. As I take a step onto the old wooden porch, it creaks. I hurry so that it wouldn't collapse all together underneath me and swallow me whole. The knob on the front door was as cold as ice. I push open the door and step inside.
Once inside, I was outside again. Through the front door, I entered into the outside garden and it is beautiful. The front of the manor must've been some sort of trick of false impressions because it was nothing like what the back of the manor is like. There are flowers everywhere, the most exotic ones I've ever seen. I continue to walk and end up inside a labyrinth, the gorgeous flowers never fading as I walk farther and farther in. At the end of the labyrinth I am presented with a white gazebo surrounded by hundreds of tiny little lights. It feels just like a fairytale.
I jump when there's a movement coming from inside the gazebo. I take a few steps closer and squint my eyes, trying to make out what or who is inside. I'm about five steps away from walking into the gazebo when the figure turns around to face me. I let out a gasp and step back when I realize that it's Draco Malfoy who's standing there.
He is smiling at me. His eyes are soft and calling like he had been waiting for me all this time. He extends a hand out and I'm suddenly drawn to him. As his hand captures mine and helps me into the gazebo, I smile brightly knowing that I'm seeing him again. I've been having dreams with Malfoy for a while now after the night of my birthday party and every time I see him I'm given this feeling of hope and comfort.
"Hey." He says to me, my hand still in his. He leads me to the bench on the other end of the gazebo and we both take a seat.
"Hello." I finally say, my voice barely above a whisper. I wonder if he heard me.
"You look beautiful tonight, Hermione."
Beautiful? I look down and notice that I'm wearing a dark red dress. It's a little more revealing than I'd like and definitely something that I probably wouldn't choose to wear.
"Thank you…" I say, but it comes out more of a question than a statement. He smiles at me again and it makes me feel warm inside. I look away quick before I stare at him for hours. I look around at all the lights and flowers that cover the gazebo. It really is like a fairytale.
"Why are we here?" I ask.
"You told me to meet you here."
"Wait, what?" I told him to come here? "No I didn't…"
"But, you wanted to see me, right?" He looked at me with confused eyes. Well, that makes the two of us.
"Yes..." More than you'll ever know…but I'm not about to tell him that, even if it is a dream and it's not the same Malfoy as the one in my real life.
"Then that's all that matters." He said softly.
He brushes his fingers lightly on my cheek. His gentle touch was more than I could ask for…and at that moment, something hits me. I take my eyes away from him and look down. A tear that I didn't know was coming fell on top of my hand, followed by another.
"Hermione? What's wrong?" I hear him say, but I just shake my head.
"It's nothing…I…I'm just afraid that I will never see you again and that scares me."
Okay, well that wasn't exactly a lie, but that wasn't the whole truth either.
"Hey, look at me." He takes his hand and places it under my chin to lift up my head so that I'm looking straight into his beautiful silver eyes that remind me of the full moon. Just like the one out tonight. And as I stare into his eyes, I do everything I can to stop myself from putting my lips to his. "I'm not going anywhere, you hear? I'll always be here for you and protect you, Hermione. No matter what, I promise."
I nod and he puts his arm around me and pulls me in closer. And even though we're as close as we can get to each other, I wish he could be so much closer, not just in my dreams either. I can smell his cologne and it spreads comfort through out me. I lay my head on his shoulder and close my eyes, where I enter the darkness once again.
Yes, I'm afraid that I will never see him again, but what makes this situation even worse is the fact that I will only be able to see this Malfoy in my dreams. How pathetic is that? The one person that makes me feel this way, the one person who I want to be with, the one person who I wouldn't mind spending my life with, lives only in my dreams...and I'm afraid that's where he'll forever stay.
I don't know what's making me more depressed, the side effects of the potions I've been taking or the fact that I can't stop thinking about my dreams with Malfoy in them. I've been having the same dream every night, the one where we're together in the white gazebo in the beautiful garden. He meets me there every night and I couldn't ask for a better dream, but the more I dream about him, the more I wish it were real and the more I realize that it would never be real. That Malfoy would never appear in my life. I'd be lucky if he was even that close.
But even now every time I see the real Malfoy, I get this feeling in my stomach, like butterflies are going crazy in there. I get nervous and have to remind myself that this isn't the same Malfoy as the one in my dreams. I need to stop these dreams. I can't see him anymore. My dreams are playing tricks with my heart and if it doesn't end now, I'm going to be in big trouble. It also doesn't help that I see him so often.
If I'm not at the hospital, we're out together…and not in a dating way either. He's just there to look after me. Ha! As if I'm a child or something. Plus he still has not told me why he is doing this, even after he said he would on the first day. I'm pretty sure he's not doing this just because Ginny, of all people, told him to. There has to be another reason, one he's not willing to tell me and I want to know why.
"Miss Granger?" I look up at the new, and much nicer, receptionist. "Healer Carter will see you now. Just go right ahead." She finishes with a smile.
I thank her and get up to walk towards his office. I'm about to open the door when it automatically opens by itself. I'm surprised for a moment. The door usually never opens up by itself. Did Healer Carter charm it recently to do so? I'm still standing there staring at the doorknob, probably looking like an idiot, until I notice that someone from inside the office had opened it.
"Excuse me, Miss." He says and I know exactly who that voice belongs to. I look up to find none other than Malfoy with his smirk in place. Of course, who else?
I look away and step aside as he walks past me without another word, strolling confidently down the hall to his own office. I didn't give him a second glace and after I hear him close the door to his office, I shake my head to clear my thoughts of him and the butterflies that I didn't even know have appeared in my stomach have gone away.
"Miss Granger, please do come in." Healer Carter calls to me from his desk. My face grows pink, as I must've seemed strange standing in front of his door like a statue and making no movement to walk inside.
"Good afternoon, Healer Carter." I say as I take my usual seat in front of his desk.
No matter how many times I've been in his office I can never get rid of the nervous feeling I get sitting there in front of him. It's like I'm waiting to hear what my fate is…well that's exactly what it is, but still, it's something I don't plan to ever get use to.
"Afternoon, Miss Granger. How's your day been so far?" His kindness never really seems to make the situation any better.
"It's been a long day. I just got off a little while ago and am very tired."
All I want to do is go home and sleep. I haven't been feeling all that lively as of late especially on the days where I have to go to the orphanage. Don't get me wrong, I love it there and I love all the kids; I just wish I had more energy like I use to, but having this heart problem has really taken a toll on me.
"Oh, well then we'll hurry it up here so you can be on your way."
Healer Carter does his usual check up. It's always been the same thing every time I come here. The results have always been the same and unfortunately, it's nothing that's ever considered good news. I guess if you look at it from a different perspective it may seem like it's not really bad news either. At least I'm not getting worse, but then again I'm not getting any better.
Once the check up finishes, I expect to hear the same news that he always tells me, that there haven't been any changes and that I should keep taking the potions he gives me. Now that I think about it, what's the point of taking those potions if it doesn't even do anything? I'm wasting galleons on rubbish, if you ask me.
"Okay, Miss Granger, let's take a look at this." Healer Carter says once he takes a seat back down behind his desk. The same exact thing he says every time. I could probably predict what he's going to say next, that nothing has changed yet and that he'll look into it more to see what else can be done.
But then his face changes into a look I haven't seen before. His brows furrow and he stares at the parchment at hand a little longer than usual. My palms are beginning to sweat when he doesn't say anything for a long time, a little too long. My throat starts to dry up.
"Is…there something wrong?" I ask even though I already know that answer to that. Of course there's something wrong. There's always something wrong. The real questions should be: What is it this time?
"This…is something I've never seen before…" He begins. I hold my breath as he continues. "The growths around your heart have disappeared."
"What?"
I'm completely shocked. Disappeared? No way, he's probably looking at it all wrong or a miracle has just happened. For weeks there has been no sign of reduction in size and all of a sudden they're just…gone?
"I'm as shocked as you are, Miss Granger." He tells me and I don't know whether I should be concerned about that or not.
"So, it's all good now, right? If they're all gone, then I must be all better."
That's definitely what it seems like, but for some reason, I know it's not all better. Nothing just disappears and then that's the end of it. No, this isn't a fairy tale. I'm not that lucky, but I could be wrong…
"Well, there's still a problem."
And my heart drops.
"Is…is it…serious?"
He lets out a deep sigh and that's all it takes, that one action triggers my eyes to water. Nothing good is going to come after that and I prepare myself for the worst. I have to…or else I'm going to fall apart.
"The growths that were previously surrounding the outer layer of your heart have disappeared…and reappeared on the inside of your heart."
My eyes go wide and that's when the tears fall freely, ones that I didn't even know where about to fall. I may not be a professional Healer or anything, but I'm pretty sure that having them inside my heart is a lot worse than them being outside. Not that they were any better on the outside. It's far worse than I have prepared for and bury my head in my hands. My tears are now uncontrollable, but even if they weren't I wouldn't do anything to stop them. I need this. I need to let it all out. It's the only thing I can do at this point.
I don't understand why this is happening to me. My life was perfectly normal and then I'm thrown into this…this horrible situation. I don't know what to do. I'm so confused. This isn't how my life is supposed to be. I know no one can predict nor can they choose what and how their future will be like, especially when something like this happens. It's just…I don't think I can handle this. It's one terrible thing right after the next.
The door opens and closes. Several of minutes later, it opens and closes again. I lift my head up to find tissues and a glass of water in front of my face. I take both and set the glass on the table before blowing my nose. I probably look like an absolute mess right now, but that's the last thing I should be worrying about.
"I know this is too much for you to handle right now, but let me assure you that we'll be doing all that we can to find a solution for this."
If I had a galleon for every time I heard that…
"May I go home now?" I ask in a whisper.
"Don't you want to talk about this first?"
I shake my head, "I just want to go home."
He doesn't say anything for a while and I start to think that he'll say no when he speaks again. "Very well, then. I will owl you all the details you should know about this and we will talk again another time."
Without another word and without another look at him, I get up and leave. I know it was rude of me to just go like that, but I'm devastated. I'm sure Healer Carter will forgive me just this once.
I step outside of St. Mungo's and it's already dark out. The cold autumn air surrounds me. I start to shiver and wrap my arms around myself to keep warm. Curse myself for forgetting to bring my cloak. The coldness captures me and it's so cold that I feel like needles are prickling my skin. I walk down the street and suddenly I'm too cold to even walk any further, so I sit down at the nearest step and put my head down on my knees. A small tear falls from my face and slides down onto my knee followed by another and another. I then realize that all this time my tears have never stopped falling and even now as I sit alone, they have no intention of stopping anytime soon.
I let out a laugh when I think about how pathetic I must look. Sitting all alone, shivering from the cold. When has my life turned into this?
I turn my head and lay my cheek on top of my knees. As I watch all the people walking down the streets, smiles on their faces, laughter filling up the air around them, I find myself feeling so alone. All I want is for someone to be here with me, to comfort me. That's all I'm asking for. But no one will come for me. Why would they? They don't know that this is even happening to me. It's my entire fault anyways.
I let out a deep sigh and with my tears still free falling I close my eyes. I'm in the darkness once again…and that's where I begin my search, my search for the only one person on my mind that can make me feel better, the only person who knows. He'll help me get through this. I know he will.
The cold is becoming unbearable and I begin to tremble violently. I feel as if I were to sit here any longer then I would surely die from the freezing cold. I'm almost to the point where I can't handle it anymore, when I feel a large and heavy coat drape over me. My head whips up as my eyes flashes open. And there he is. He's standing in front of me. The one I've been looking for, hoping for…but before I could allow myself to smile, I'm reminded that he's not that same person.
"You'll get sick if you sit out here any longer without a coat." He says to me and offers himself a seat to my right.
"Too late for that…" I mumble silently, but I'm sure he heard it. "Thanks." I add, as I wrap his coat tighter around me and that's when my eyes become wide.
His cologne.
The same one the Malfoy from my dream was wearing, the same one that gave me comfort when I needed it, and I don't know if I should be surprised or not, but that's exactly what it's doing now.
"What are you doing setting out here in the cold all by yourself?" He asks.
Did I hear wrong? Or was there actually a hint of concern in his tone? Maybe the cold has caused me to go delusional.
"I like to feel sorry for myself and sitting alone in the cold adds to it. What's it to you?" I say, a little harsher than I had intended it to sound. I guess that made him a little angry because the next thing I know, he's standing up and looking down at me with a frown.
"You know what, Granger, I came out here to keep you company because you look like a complete wreck. I honestly wanted to help you, but if you're just going to be a bitch about it than I have no problem leaving you here."
I'm blown away by his words. He wants to help me? Help me how? And…had he been watching me this whole time? I'm about to ask him that very question when I decide that now isn't the right time to tick him off even more. Him keeping me company isn't so bad. Besides, I want to keep his coat.
"I'm sorry." I sigh and rub my eyes, so frustrated. "I'm having a horrible day and I shouldn't take it out on you. It's not like you had anything to do with it anyways."
He sighs and runs his hands through his blonde hair. I look down at my hands, too afraid to look him in the eye.
"Let's go." He says after a while.
I look up at him with questioning eyes.
"Go? Go where?" I ask.
"I'm taking you somewhere." He tells me and before I can protest or say anything further he grabs me by the hand and suddenly I'm being drawn into a tight whirlwind.
When we finally land, my legs give in and I fall to the floor. After I recover from the dizziness, I notice that now I'm sitting on grass. As I lift my head higher I see that the place I'm currently in is surrounded by a stonewall. I slowly stand up and, when I notice that Malfoy is no longer beside me, I turn around to look for him.
That's when I see it. My eyes become wide and I bring my hands to my mouth as a gasp escapes through my lips. Standing in front of me is Malfoy, but that's not what made me react the way I did. No, it was where he was standing that makes me want to cry.
Malfoy is standing inside a white gazebo that is covered in hundreds of tiny little lights and gorgeous flowers twisting around the top of it. The image in front of me is so much like my dream that I honestly don't know whether I'm dreaming or not. I close my eyes and a single tear slides down my cheek as I think about how perfect it would be if I could see him again. I open my eyes, again, to see Malfoy now standing in front of me. He bring up his hand and lightly wipes away the single tear that had made its spot on my chin. That one motion almost made my knees go weak.
"Come." He says softly. He takes my hand and leads me to the gazebo. The same bench from my dream is in its exact spot where I expected it to be. He takes a seat bringing me down with him.
"Where are we? Why'd you bring me here?" I ask him.
He's hesitant for a while, not speaking to me and just looking around. Then, out of nowhere, he looks back to me with eyes so soft that I could stare into them for hours. Those eyes…so familiar…
"This place is very special to me." He begins, "I come here every time I'm feeling upset or if I just need time to myself to think. It's pretty relaxing and the silence can sometimes be calming. I though that maybe, since you seem to be going through something rough, that you'd like it here." He says, sincerely.
You don't even know…
"It's perfect." I say, barely above a whisper, as I look around at my fairytale scene that I thought I would never be able to see again. The stars are shining so brightly that I believe the hundreds of tiny lights already surrounding us are unnecessary. But even if they were, I wouldn't rid them. Their presence here is just as important as the stars.
"There's something I must tell you." Malfoy says after a long, but very peaceful silence.
After I take in everything around us, I return my attention to him. "What is it?"
"I know I've been avoiding this topic every time you bring it up, but I was just waiting for the right moment to tell you." He begins. "It's difficult for me to explain."
"What topic?" I ask, honestly not knowing what he is talking about.
"The topic of why I care so much about what you're going through. Why I want to know so badly. The topic of why I've been following you. Why I've chosen to do it on my own free will and not because your friend told me to."
"Oh." I look down at my hands that have started to fidget. "Well, yes I would like to know why." I say without looking at him.
"I hope this doesn't sound too creepy or anything because I really can't help what I see, but," He pauses and I'm holding my breath. "But, I've been getting these…dreams."
"Dreams?" No, it can't be…
"Yes, dreams." He confirms, but then stops for a bit and looks out into the darkness.
"Please, continue." I say, "What…happens in these dreams?"
He takes a deep breath before starting again.
"Well, you're in them…and this is the strange part; every time I see you, I feel the need to protect you. The way you are in my dreams, you look so fragile; like you would fall apart any second if I'm not there to hold you. I promised the Hermione in my dreams that I would always be there for her and to protect her." He looks at me then. "And whenever I see that Hermione, I feel as if I want to be with her forever. I can't stop thinking about her. The thing is, these dreams…they seem so real that I feel the need to protect Hermione, whether it's the Hermione in my dreams or not."
I look away at this point so that he can't tell that I started crying again.
"Do you want to know why I left so suddenly that day at the orphanage?" He asks me.
With my head still turned away, I reply, "Yes."
"When Sarah asked me if I thought you were beautiful, I wanted to say yes. I was about to say yes, but then you kind of...intervened. It was then when my thoughts brought me back to those dreams. My feelings were becoming too overwhelming, especially when you're right there in front of me, and well, I had to get out of there before it became any worse."
I drop my head and close my eyes.
So, I'm not the only that's been plagued by these dreams. He sees them, too. The same exact dreams that I've been having, he's been having them too. This gazebo, this garden, is the same exact place in my dreams. It's real. And most of all, he feels exactly what the Malfoy in my dreams feels. I don't even know what to think anymore. Were my dreams trying to tell me something? I never believed that dreams cold come true until now.
And what about Malfoy? He claims to be the one from my dreams. He has certainly proved to be the one from my dreams, but I don't think I'm ready to let him know that I'm been getting them too. It's just…too soon and I'm not sure where this is going to take us. Honestly, I'm a little afraid.
"Hermione…" His soft voice that spoke my name gives me chills. I look over to him, not really caring anymore if he sees my tears. "I know I'm having these dreams and feelings for a reason. Please, tell me what's happening to you."
I wipe away the tears from my face, but doing that is pretty much pointless because as soon as I wipe them away, new ones are taking their place. I shake my head slowly, just as a reaction, not really denying Malfoy of his request.
"Please." He continues, and he takes my hand in his. "Tell me."
My bottom lip quivers, as I look him in the eyes. His eyes are so cold and piercing, but somehow they are giving me comfort. I open my mouth to speak, but no sound seems to be coming out, so I shut them again.
"Hermione?" He looks at me with pleading eyes and then after a moment of nothing, he sighs. "It's okay, you're not ready to tell me yet. I understand."
He looks away and I can tell he's disappointed. My attention is brought to our hands. His is still holding on to mine, giving my freezing ones the warmth that his contain. I take mine away from his for just a moment. I cup his cheek with my free hand and gently turn his face over so that he's facing me again.
"Draco," I whisper, as a small sob escapes me. "I'm dying."
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