Control

Chapter Seven: Everything and Nothing

"So you caved," Leah said as we wandered the aisles at the grocery store. Emily was next door at the butcher's shop ordering her weight in meat.

"More like he caved," I said grabbing a few jars of jelly and arranging them in my basket. "He told me that he would worry about his own heart in all of this."

"For the record I don't think you are capable of not worrying about his feelings," Leah said piling ten loaves of bread in her cart. "It's not in your nature to be so callous Bells." I shifted a few things in the cart to make room for peanut butter and then straightened.

"It's his choice Leah. He is a big boy. I told him that I wasn't capable of love again and he made it clear that it was his burden to bear and not mine," I said.

"That's the biggest crock of shit I have ever heard," she said bluntly and I muffled a laugh. Trust Leah to tell you her opinion without reservation.

"So what's this meeting about?" I asked changing the subject smoothly as I loaded cans of tuna into Leah's cart.

"Tactics," she answered. "That red-headed bitch is still somehow evading us and it's driving Sam up the wall." I tried to contain the panic that rose in my throat at the casual mention of Victoria. I tried to block out the vision of Charlie lying in a pool of his own blood. My hands shook and I grasped the side of the cart for support.

"I'm fine," I said dully when Leah's hand touched my back. I focused on breathing until the panic slipped away.

"I'm sorry," she said after a minute. "I didn't realize." I let out a shaky laugh.

"That I was still such a basket case?" I joked. She didn't laugh.

"Bella," she said but Emily showing up cut her off.

"Almost done?" She asked oblivious to the tension.

"What's for dinner?" Quil asked the second we stepped into the kitchen. Sam reached out and smacked him in the back of the head.

"Go carry in the groceries for them," he ordered everyone at the table. I avoided Paul's searching gaze and unloaded the bags I was holding onto the counter. I nearly jumped out of my skin when Sam placed a gentle hand on my shoulder.

"Hey come talk," he said. "The guys can finish unloading the food." I followed him out back without argument and settled myself into a green wicker chair that I knew Sam had made for Emily.

"It's not a big deal," I said after a minute.

"I hate to say this but maybe you should be talking to someone," Sam said. "After everything you went through you just moved here and hid from it all." I smiled wryly.

"You're probably right but to be honest Sam as long as I am here I can't exactly hide," I pointed out.

"You're probably right," he agreed. "Just seriously promise me that if you need to talk about all of this let me know and we can find someone." I agreed and he left me outside to think. A few minutes later Paul came out.

"Seriously not now," I said when he knelt in front of me. I bent my head so I didn't have to see his eyes and felt the tears building up. Damn it. A tear slipped and landed on my jeans. His hands slid back and forth on my thighs in a soothing rhythm as I cried.

"Maybe you should talk to someone," he said when my tears finally stopped. I let out a short laugh.

"That's exactly what Sam said," I told him and he laughed too. I finally met his eyes and they were filled with tenderness that made panic rush up inside of me again. I pulled away from his hands and stood.

"Bella?" He asked warily. I didn't turn to face him.

"I should help with dinner," I said.

I avoided Paul like the plague the next week. I focused on helping Emily feed the pack and lost myself in the mindless rhythm of my days. Paul didn't push me but I could sense every time I saw him that he was unhappy at our forced separation. His eyes followed my every movement and he didn't laugh and joke around with the pack. Luckily Sam had everyone running patrols pretty much non-stop so the time we did spend around each other was short.

"Where's Emily?" He asked coming into the house early one morning as I scrambled some eggs for myself. I tried not to jump at his voice.

"Still in bed," I said as he flopped down on a chair. "She's not feeling well. Do you want something to eat?" I asked politely.

"If it's not too much trouble," he said meeting my eyes. I dumped my eggs onto a plate and made him a few egg and bacon sandwiches. When I set them on the table he grabbed me by the wrist. "Thanks," he said pressing a kiss to the inside of my wrist before releasing me. I swayed slightly on the spot but then practically ran to the kitchen to eat my breakfast.

"Coffee?" Emily croaked from the doorway. I poured her and mug and she sweetened it with some sugar before taking a sip. "I don't know why I am so damn tired." Paul snorted a laugh and we both turned to look at him.

"Seriously Em?" He asked bringing his plate into the kitchen and rinsing it.

"Stop being a dick," I said and he shrugged.

"You're pregnant Em," he said and sauntered outside.

"So what did Sam say?" I asked that afternoon. When Sam had returned from patrols I had excused myself to the beach to allow them time to talk. At present Emily was sipping tea tranquilly at the table while I diced tomatoes for a pasta salad.

"He's happy but a little nervous," she said.

"Happy is good," I mumbled dumping handfuls of tomatoes on top of a huge bowl of rotini pasta.

"Leah told me what happened at the store," she said after a minute of silence. "If you need to talk…" she let her voice trail off after one look at my forbidding expression. I finished the pasta salad and then found room for it in the refrigerator. I was just sitting down for a cup of tea when Paul, Sam and Embry came in. I sprang to my feet.

"Beach," I managed to mumble shooting out the back door. I didn't want to see or talk to Paul. I headed for a spot not too far from the house and flopped to the pebbly ground. I picked up a handful of pebbles and then let them slide through my fingers like water.

"You're avoiding me," Paul said from behind me. I shook my head but didn't verbally deny his claim.

"I needed some air," I managed to say. I didn't look over when he sank to the beach next to me.

"I thought we agreed that I could worry about my own heart," he said after about ten minutes of silence between us.

"Paul just not right now," I interrupted. "Now is not the time to be dealing with all of this." My voice came out sharper and harsher than I intended.

"Fine then tell me what happened in the store," he said. And my control snapped. I sprang to my feet.

"You want to know what happened? Fine, I will tell you what happened. Every time vampires are mentioned I see my Dad, dead, lying in a pool of his own blood. What did he do to deserve all of this? Nothing! I brought vampires into my life and he had to pay for my mistake. Then I am dragged here and everyone wants something from me. Guess what Paul? I have nothing left to give anyone. Nothing!" I scream before turning and heading for the house. I barely made it two steps before Paul's hand was on my arm and before I could stop myself I turned and flung myself into his arms. He caught me easily and I cried my pain into his shoulder as his hands stroked my hair and back. When my tears subsided he pulled back and gave me a wry smile.

"Maybe you should talk to someone," he said.