Kakashi moped his way slowly across the village, ignoring the entrance altogether to walk vertically up the tower.
Occasionally a chuunin attempted to join him, but they got slapped down quickly enough before they could get uppity with him.
God, chuunin were worse than genin. It was like watching a midlife crisis in action. They got their flak vests and suddenly it was like they had something to prove: all black, "tactical" gear, and some ridiculous menagerie of steel jingling like windchimes off their belts.
Given that Kakashi was occasionally accused of having a midlife crisis, he felt that his instinctive revulsion of the little bastards was utterly justified. At least genin could be taught; chuunin had this weird thing where they were convinced some stupid tournament in a podunk shithole made them worth a damn, and went out of their way to try to prove it.
The only good thing Kakashi could find coming out of this was that they usually moved in troupes small enough to be expendable, and took the right missions to see things through. The Hokage fondly referred to the chuunin-only missions as "spring cleaning", and took great joy in providing them no warning at all for what was to come.
Sometimes the sadistic bastard did it for genin too, sent them on a mission way harder than the scroll would suggest, and watched them flounder when things went south.
Kakashi could only pray for such a mission; it was only usually ever done to genin the Hokage thought were worth a damn. High praise.
Kakashi casually backhanded another chuunin that tried to take the shortcut, and sent him plummeting off the wall. He took note when the Chuunin refused to scream on the way down; Danzo might be interested in that one. It was always inconvenient when the screamers started going off in the middle of having guests. Soured the tea, the Hokage said. Quiet ones were better. Stop giving Danzo the screamers.
Well, fucking excuse him, it wasn't easy finding the perfect blend of irritating dickishness and hateably mediocre competency in addition to being quiet.
Kakashi sighed deeply, snagging a "welcome brick" with his name on it that Shikaku had left out on the Hokage's windowsill, and hucked it through the window. The glass shattered, his name prominent on the masonry as it powdered, presumably on the far wall.
An anbu poked his head out the window, signing several rude gestures that Kakashi interpreted as an invitation in. Hokage must not have been having any guests.
Kakashi let himself in, hopping over the shattered glass by hooking a foot in the top and swinging in. He executed a neat flip and landed on his feet, bowing to his audience of one who politely applauded. Hiruzen slowly grabbed his pipe, tapping it out on a little dish as smoke wreathed itself around the man. His robes of white were still enviably spotless, one less to do with skill and more with the fact that the man never left the bloody room. He slept here. He ate here. If Kakashi had been told that several desk-chuunin had been hired purely for cleaning up any leavings the Hokage hadn't bother moving to drop, well, Kakashi would have to admit that he hadn't realized that many desk-chuunin existed.
Hiruzen met his eye, more than likely guessing at his unkind thoughts and smiling in amusement. Kakashi shrugged.
Sarutobi leaned back a little, sighing deeply. "Alright Kakashi, what are you up to."
Kakashi pointed at himself, eye wide and innocent.
The Hokage matched him, look for look, an amused irritation in his eyes. "Kakashi, you've been gone for several days stalking some children. This is, bizarrely enough, out of character for you, so I'd like to know why."
Hiruzen's right hand slipped enough to reveal the paperwork at his elbow, text conveniently clear enough to read.
Genin Registration Form
This old bastard knew. He knew, but ohhoho, Kakashi was not playing along.
"I have no idea what you're talking about." Kakashi replied smoothly.
Sarutobi's eyes twinkled, and Kakashi got the game he was playing at when a different hand moved, revealing paperwork with a much different title.
My, how cruel.
Kakashi nodded slowly, and Hiruzen sat back, satisfied. The sheet that read Genin Registration went into the bin, never again to see the light of day.
"I suppose it must've been a mistake then. Another one for the Tigers."
Kakashi hummed, swinging out the window with a parting finger for the anbu, who looked rather like he had a mess of his own for the desk-chuunin to clean.
Black Ops would do the children some good. Put some hair on their chest.
He snagged a brick that said Asuma, winged it at a parting civvie, and whistled his merry way to the local Bathhouse.
Kakashi walked into the Sauna, and found Gai, bare-ass naked, doing weights in the center of the room.
"Ah! My youthful rival!" A flash of the teeth and the wink of an eye heralded Gai's shifting attention. "How are you this morning? The weather was wonderfully brisk."
"Doing well. Got a team now."
"Ah!" Gai dropped the weights and whipped around to look at him. "You passed a team!"
Kakashi nodded slowly, scared of...agitating him.
Gai fistpumped. "I knew you had it in you Kakashi!" He reaches over and clasped his shoulder. "I'm glad for you."
"Gai, put your Youth away."
"Kakashi, you know for a fact that I cannot extinguish my Fires of Youth."
"Then for god's sake find a way to dampen them."
As Gai whipped a towel on over his Springtime, Kakashi rolled his shoulder.
"Look, I'm training my team up, and you know how that starts."
"Indeed!" Gai gave him the finger guns. "I gotcha Kakashi, no problem. Circuit around the village?"
Kakashi rubbed the back of his neck. "Actually, I'm feeling pretty rusty." He took a deep breath. "I'll be joining."
Gai looked at him slowly, smile ratcheting up an entire order of wattage. "My youthful friend!" His muscles started flexing involuntarily. Kakashi was unable to tear his morbid fascination away. "I am glad you've decided to finally stand once more! We will return you to the youthful and fresh warrior you once were!"
"Thanks G-"
"In a week!"
Kakashi stared. "Gai, I need to work my wa-"
Gai was beyond words. "We will work every muscle in your body at the same time with a compression outfit, and then start you small while we run. 50-no, 500 pounds to start." He winked. "To warm up! Then we can hit the Forest of Death!"
"Compression outfit?"
"A jumpsuit!"
Kakashi had a horrible niggling feeling that he'd fucked up. "...what?"
"Of course you must wear a jumpsuit! They keep your muscles warm and active! They cradle your body! They look fantastic!"
"...do they come in black?"
A cold fire lit in Gai's eyes. "Dark clothing is unyouthful. They encourage a sedentary and judgemental lifestyle. You will wear a youthful forest green in honor of our beautiful village and you will like it."
He knew it. He'd fucked up. Kakashi sighed his defeat and gave up. "I swear I'll kill you for this one day Gai."
Gai shot him a thumbs-up and Kakashi didn't even have the heart to resent him for it. "Don't worry Kakashi! You and your team are in good, strong hands!" And then Gai grinned like an animal, and Kakashi remembered why they were still friends. "Feel free to come at me at any time, my dear comrade! It will serve well to getting you back in form!"
Not even a hint of backing down.
Kakashi smiled a little. "What is it now, 50-50?"
Gai immediately started limbering up. "A most unyouthful tie!" Both of them began cracking their fingers in harmony. "We must remedy this immediately! If I lose, I shall complete my warmup with your team on my forearms!"
"Well then," Kakashi muttered. "I'd hate to deprive my cute little genin of a sight like that."
Kakashi crawled out of the wreckage of the bathhouse, coughing a little. He shook the dirt off his shoulders, hissing as a few splinters caught at his fingers.
Gai had gone a little nuts, which meant that the property damage was extensive enough that they'd dock his pay. Damnit.
He looked around. Gai was...gone. Probably off to grab his jumpsuit so they could train.
God help them all.
