AN:

Hi, thanks again to oucellogal and little dark starling!

You two are awesome, you know that?!

And it's a great honor that such geniuses took the time to

read and review my story. Can you can see me blush?

Anyway... sorry that it took me so long to update.

Promise it will be better next time though ;)

So in here there will be more and more angst.

But don't be afraid- it'll be better, soon :)

Hope ya enjoy!

-7-

Shell shocked Lilly stared at him.

How the hell does he know about it ?

Rapidly the whole walls of the car seemed to close in around her and she felt trapped.

" Scotty. .. " she tried softly, but he interrupted her brusquely.

His eyes spat fire and Lilly could almost feel the flames licking at her, to devour her.

There was so much despair ... ...

" You lied to me!"

Moment ...

" And do not tell me now, that would have been nothing ! "

"But - that's not fair, Scotty! I do not have ...it is not... a lie. "

He had suddenly grabbed her jacket sleeve and she was totally mesmerized

by the pain she saw in his eyes.

„Na, that's just „misinformation" or what do you want to call it

when there's a lack of news about ya person?

Not that the others don't get it- Kat told me about the rumors

somethin's goin' on with you and that Fed ass back in New York-

where you went without me."

She had a sudden feeling not knowing who was sitting next to her.

„You know that it had been an order, Scotty.

Boss had sent me there for Yates interview with their IAD."

„Yeah, just try to hide behind that if you think that fits for you.

But you can't fool me around, Lil.

You stayed there the whole weekend and when you came back..."

She had to keep cool but he didn't made it easy to get her head straight.

„I stayed to solve a case!

That's Woodstock one.

And- although it's non of your buisness-

yeah, i went out with Cavanaugh and yes,

there might be a kiss involved, but it meant nothing when i returned to Philly.

You should know what i'm talkin' 'bout, Valens!

Do i need to remind ya?

All that remains for us is the Charlenes..."

He flinched a little uncomfortable in his seat and there's even a faint hint of red on his cheeks.

And what's important: He remained quite.

„And ya noticed? I returned- without any baggage."

This whole „back and forth" thing reminded her of their conversation outside her home

before they left to rescue Chris.

Or that one in the Lobby.

Now it was her time to struggle with the memories and she smirked.

„I did not lie to you, Scotty. I won't. Ever.

Don't be silly.

I know that there are things you have to sort out alone, too.

Family affairs.

And when i offered help you refused it.

You kept me locked out of ya life, too."

He deeply sighed now and it's showin' in the way his shoulders came down a bit

that there must be heavy burden onto them.

„You have no idea, Lil."

( " Maybe I even have my own family to worry about ... did you ever think of that? " )

Where had she been in all these past months?

Lilly suddenly wondered.

She had the feeling that he slipped more and more through her fingers,

like wild water that makes its way violently and eventually disappears out of sight.

Was there anything left in him of the man whom they know and respect, in all these years?

And if so, where could she look out for Scotty, whom she had known ?

How she wished he would let her in!

Or at least tell her something about his sorrows.

So she could bear it with him, together.

As partners.

„Then why wouldn't ya just tell me, Scotty?"

But he shook his head in grim defeat.

„I can't."

His face was completly closed in itself.

There's a hard line in his brows and his fists were clenched again.

He dragged his teeth together that they gave away an aweful noise.

Why can't it be the way it'd been before his mothers case,

the FBI job offer, before the new Chris conflict?

„Scotty, please, i don't want to fight.

All i want is some peace and... new perspectives.

A change from the past, to be happy again.

And i want to be happy with you by my side,

far away from the office's orders and the IAD,

even the team and subspicious looks from people around ous.

Nobody has to know we're in this together-

okay, maybe except our familys.

All i want is an easy way this time in my life."

„Only concealin' the truth again, that's it?

Bravo, Lil , that makes it so much better !

You're right on your heels, aren't you?

Time to chicken out?

Run away when there are things to discuss,

to deal with, here and now? Great.

You want me to be with ya, but for what?

To be a friend of yours? Someone to talk to?

To be whatever you need or wish for?

I'm not one of your cats, Lil."

His voice dripped almost over with sarcasm.

„I do deserve better.

To be just someone in your life is not enough anymore."

The mention of the cats was the drop that it took to overload the barrel and Lil fumed:

" Hey, listen,what I did not deserve is this behavior of yours, goddammit!

Stop treating me like that!

I intened a cease-fire and you..."

"Oh, we're talkin' about me now

-not you anymore- what a wonder!

Lilly Rush here, her wishes there-

Have you even realize what i was goin' to..."

But she gave him daggers and put her hand hard and fast over his mouth-

before he could even finish the sentence.

He raised his eyebrows at her.

Okay, she won't go there.

No wonder, she's Lilly Rush.

What had he expected her to do?

That it'll be easy to crack her shell?!

Not with her.

She simply did as if she's stupid.

"These bullets are completely unnecessary! "

" You mean, you do not deserve them?"

He threw her a hurtful look of pure disbelief.

„You're such a hypocrite, Lillian Rush! "

Again there's this pain, which is now spread all over his face.

It was, she realized now, rigid as a mask .

Maybe he just tried to protect himself by this tactic -

Attack as the best defense.

She didn't really wanted to argue ... but, but ... he provoked her to do so.

"I'm an adult, I do not need your permission, Scotty, to go out with someone

and i told you that it was not worth to fight about it!"

she said gently, as if to demonstrate how grown up she could be - unlike him!

"This is not someone- it's a Fed ! "

he spat out and sounded so ... jealous...

She gasped , completely outraged.

"So- what?!

I meet whomever I want, Scotty Valens !

I kiss whoever I want! "

she snapped unmistakable.

" You did that stuff all those years yourself.

And i had nothin' to say about it, either.

We both had flings outside work-

We had a deal in Nashville once about them, you remember?

So can we at least come back to our senses, please,

and proclaim that i'm a big girl and make my own decisions

about the man i'm goin' to be with?!"

He sighed.

„Like i said earlier.

You understand nothin'.

'Specially not me or so it seems.

If you would have let me finish that line earlier..."

He sighed and threw both arms in the air, pushed them almost to the car's roof.

Mumbled something she could not understand exactly what she did to him.

Was that a "Maybe you always kiss the wrong guys? "

Was it?

No, she decided perplexed, that had to be a misunderstanding.

He could not have said that.

She had misheard.

Yeah-right.

At last he turned away from her, the street , as if seeking assistance out there,

same way she had done earlier with the view of the house.

But this was her territory.

He noticed probably because Paul had gone to the front door, apparently concerned ,

because his daughter has not entered it yet.

" Wow, okay now. Let's stop this.

That's great. Lil ! Fine for you, fine by me.

You have my blessing. "

Scotty's chin sank suddenly down on his chest and he crossed his arms in mid.

His voice was .. breaking .

" I do not need your confirmation, Scotty. "

Okay, give him the Ice Queen if he beg for it.

" The Feds could not offer the same sort of family you had here- to no one.

Just look at what they have made out of Diane Yates, Lil .

That's not you!

But if ya wish to be someone like that...

I've thought that i know ya better.

They are a bunch of rotten bastards, you know ! "

He spat, still persisting in the same pose.

„Maybe you really don't know me at all, Scotty."

she took a loose blonde strand behind her ear and shrugged her slim shoulders.

„That's pathetic."

"I might not."

But this time he sounded resigned but

as if he wanted to just ask her something else.

„Yeah." she replied just as softly now and glared out the window.

Why run right into the trouble and not the easy way out?

Let him go...

Leave everything, the past, behind?

She remembered one of her favourite songs from

the band Aerosmith which's called „Kiss your past goodbye"...

Maybe she should have made another decision than to come back to Philly.

Start a new life with Ryan in New York...

She had been so close to it ... ...

Ryan held the door open .

He stroked her back gently, as she hugged him goodbye .

"I think that- with us-

So, I was no' more than a replacement for, ya know, someone else, Lil?... "

Lilly looked at the sunset.

Up on the roof of the taxi to the airport the light broke in many beautiful bright colors .

It would be so easy to leave everything behind, gave a new life a chance,

go back and turn on the computer up in his office .

But in this very moment, she listened .

The taxi driver heard country music.

She knew it somehow and she realized

that she started to think about the events back then.

Nashville, Tennessee.

Truck Sugar.

And with that came all the other memories of Philly, the PPD.

The important things in her life.

The really important things.

Lucille Honey Sugars face as she told her

that Truck wanted to return to her in the end.

If Honey would have taken him back.

And suddenly Lilly knew with certainty that New York would not be her new home.

Because, as Lucille had told her and Scotty that day back in Knoxville, at her ranch:

Home is where the heart is .

And her heart was in Philly.

Probably just sat at his desk , trying to keep Nick and Kat apart from each others throats.

She remembered that night in Nashville, the hotel and smiled gently at Ryan .

"We're cops , Ryan. All good cops are lone wolves . "

She patted Cavanaughs shoulder briefly and with a certainty that surprised herself, she whispered ,

when she gave him a quick kiss on the cheek :

"But we still had the Charlenes . "

And with that she left him and New York,

her taxi disappeared in the sunset on the way to the airport.

Sad and simultaneously glad Lilly shook off the memory.

Then she opened her window and called to her dad :

"Everything ok , Dad!

Just forgot my phone and i'm goin' to say goodbye to Scotty here ! "

Paul stopped, uncertain what to do, then offered:

"Please ask him if he wants to come in -

Celeste has once again cooked so much that it would be enough for a whole football team, Lil . "

He pointed at Scotty.

Who had the decency to wave at her father gratefully.

"Sorry, Paul, my parents expect me for dinner. "

Lilly sighed.

" I'll be right there, Dad! "

" Okay, have a good evening, Scotty. Say hello for me to your family! "

Paul waved again and returned to the house .

"He was worried about you, I see. "

Scotty spoke quitely.

Maybe- if there's a chance to...

"Yes, it is beautiful.

Scary, but nice.

To have a family at least. "

she said and suppressed a small smile that had stolen itself in the corners of her lips.

" Chris's there? " he asked politely.

Lilly felt her cheeks began to burn.

"Chris, Scotty? "

He nodded, his dark eyes fixed on the house.

"Had not seen her a while now. Wondering how she's doin'... "

Now she was the one whoes frantically fingers closed around the handle of the car door

until her knuckles were white .

"Oh , look at ya!

You are interested in checking on her?

What- she called ya?!

Cried out loud at ya how hard life as a junkie-Mom is in the rehab ?

That she wants to have you back as her hero in the shinin' armor? "

Lilly's cold voice cracked.

Scotty looked at her in surprise and had the audacity to put a placating hand on her arm.

She had given up this opportunity ... in New York ... because of him .

For the most part , of course .

Of course, because Paul , Celeste and Finn, too .

Because Kat, Nick , Will, and Boss .

But above all , for his sake .

Damn ya, Valens .

It still hurts.

Even after six years .

"You make me reproach, because I have kissed someone of the FBI, whom I never intend to see again, but it's okay if YOU make out with my sister ?"

That silenced him .

Mouth open he seemed to be some kinda'f stunned.

But she could see that it's going to change.

"Not this again , Lil . "

She could not help it.

"Yes, exactly this, Scotty.

At some point we have to talk about it! "

she shot at him, eyes blazin' with icy fire.

"But I apologized , damn it!

Back then and now again !

What do you want from me, Lilly Rush ?

Should I ask for your forgiveness on my knees, that's it?!

Are you so eager to humiliate me? "

If looks were bullets ...

Lilly grabbed her own shoulder, felt the silver scar under her slender fingers.

She still felt as if it was on fire .

She was ashamed of herself.

And the fire in Scotty's eyes devoured her still.

Lilly hissed when she saw the look in his eyes.

She could not be burned.

Not again .

Not with him.

That was important .

She never wanted to hurt him .

She was only defendin' herself, damn it!

And that was just ... survival instinct.

"This New York trip has absolutely nothing to do with you, Scotty. "

she breathed softly now.

Saw how he pressed his lips into a thin line together, chin stretch out belligerently .

But then his brave facade suddenly collapsed.

"Sure thing, Lil. Of course, that has absolutely nothing to do with me .

I think Ryan makes me so mad just because of the same reason

why you still haven't come over my encounter with Chris.

Did ya ever think of that? "

No!

It led to thoughts, feelings and wishes that were too dangerous for the both of them.

Unsafe terrain.

Traps.

Yeah, she loved him.

But... changin' into something more as it is now?

And so fast? She'd even realized her true feelings now...

She would not survive it if he'll leave her.

Not with him.

She felt her whole body started to tremble and couldn't breath any longer.

She whispered around the lump in her throat horasely:

"I can't , Scotty.

I'm sorry... but... i can't do this...

conversation... anylonger! "

She opened the door and rushed formally out of the car towards the house.

Her feet began to run on their own accord.

Then she suddenly felt a steely grip around her waist which's turnin' her around.

" You have to, Lil .

You'll have to try at least. "

She squirmed in his arms, but he also did and turned her around to him, against her resistance.

But there was no reason to fear him.

At least not a rational one.

Nevertheless, her heart raced in her chest .

" You owe me, after everything I 've done for you . "

She lowered her eyes guiltily and suddenly fought the tears that burned behind her eyes.

„And i'm not talkin' about work or Chris or so..."

Then she felt the touch of his hand, warm and gentle on her chin and he lifted it

so that she had to look at him now.

"I beg ya, Lil.

And I'll ask only once... Lilly. "

His voice was so...different.

Smooth.

Touchin'.

The way he'd said her name-

she could swear he never did it that way before.

Lil stood there-

completely frozen , though a little voice cried louder and louder to simply drop into his arms.

To let her head fall to his chest and to forget everything around herself ...

Just to forget the world- here in his arms.

" Look at me, Lil . "

" Scotty ... "

a faint sob escaped her and she was shaking all over now.

Warm arms were wrapped around her and pulled her a little wildly at him.

"Don't ya ever run away from me again,Lil, 'kay...? "

His index finger was suddenly on her lips and he shook his head ,

like to emphasize what has been said.

And then his face came closer.

Closer and closer .

And she could not move.

Would i?

She asked herself.

Or do i want this to happen - as bad as he?!

Her breath hitched as the tip of their noses touched

and she could feel his breath on her cheek bone.

She closed her eyes expectantly.

And...

Waited .

What was that?

A tingling and warm glow spread through her.

Anticipation ?

Shouldn't her knees be shakin' out of fear?

But nothing like that happened and she rejoiced inwardly -

she had no fear of being kissed!

And then...

Just a touch of his lips on hers.

Warm and soft.

They felt...

Some kinda like the sun ...

like heaven.

This felt so damn...

Right.

But then-

Nothing happened.

Confused, she opened her eyes again .

And the sound of leavin' footsteps and a crashin' car door come to her ears.

The engine's turned up.

And she saw all her hopes drove away in the fading light.

„Who's the hypocrite, now, Valens?!

With ya, runnin' as fast as ya could?"

she sobbed quitely and tried to wipe away the heavy tears but they ran freely down her cheeks

as Lilly felt her knees finally gave away now, they slumped under her weight.

All out of the sudden she sat on the grass.

Cryin' her heart out.

She never thought of herself bein' a sniveler.

Well, if that man doesn't bring out the best in her...

With great effort, she finally got to her feet and staggered to the house.

Finn came to meet her and took her into his arms.

Quiet sniffling she leaned against her little brother .

"What was that ?"

He snorted indignant and manifested so that everyone must have watched.

Shame burned up in Lilly.

"I wish I knew. "

she desperatly swallowed, fighting for self-control.

"Should I punch him for ya , Sis ?!

I'll do it, honestly! "

Lilly could not help it , she laughed through her tears at Finn.

"Thank you , little brother.

But i think Dad wouldn't want me to get ya back in jail so soon

and i'm not sure if i can do anything for you when i wish it was me

who had gave him the make-over!

But I can lean on my own fightin' skills if that's necessary.

Or, if that doesn't help... i have a gun.

Nobody lies to girl with a gun.

So i'm goin' to kick his ass myself.

Next time i'll see him..."

Lilly couldn't talk any longer because she realized that there's

a chance that's not so small... that there won't be a chance for revenge.

Now the tears are comin' more frequently.

As they reached the door, Celeste, who'd waited inside,

took her comfortingly into her arms and pulled the door closed behind them .