She was going to tell him and maybe it was cowardly, not so like a Gryffindor to wait until this very last minute, but she told herself it made sense. She did have a good reason for it.
The last day of August and she was going to have to drink a bit to make her braver, but only a little because if she overdid it he'd use that as an excuse. Say to himself she didn't mean it, that she was drunk and delusional. Not even tipsy was safe.
Telling Sirius Black she loved him. At first, he would misinterpret it, say he loved her too, and then she'd say she didn't just love him, she liked him. He'd laugh and say he liked her too and she'd tell him she didn't just like him, she liked him.
And he would shut down.
She knew how it would go, she knew it all because she knew him so well.
She also knew she wouldn't cry when he tried to turn her down by lying about her to himself. He was like that. So often a liar. A defensive liar usually. He had no shame when it came to his own life, not even when he should, but to save himself from unexpected feelings? Hell yes, he'd lie like his life depended on it.
He would lie today, thinking his life really did depend on it.
The party was in full swing and this was it. She'd had one drink ten minutes ago, another five back, and the tiniest of buzzes was just enough to propel her forward when he was away from her parents, just enough to make her drag him into the laundry room even as he thought she was trying to make some sort of joke.
"I love you."
As predicted he didn't understand. "I love you too," laughing like she knew he would.
"I don't just love you, I like you."
"Hey now, I like you too! What a coincidence, kid!"
That stung, but not enough to stop her.
"Sirius," she waited until he looked her in the eyes. His arms were folded across his chest, posture relaxed. He had no idea. "I don't just like you. I like you like you."
He froze and she saw it happen. Everything about him was fixed in place until the smile slid away, replaced with a look of almost horror.
Sanity was long gone at this point and she didn't care that he was about to lose his mind, she kissed his cheek before life returned and, in a moment of pure insanity, immediately afterwards pressed her lips to his for the briefest of moments.
He went cross-eyed trying to stare at her; when he shook his head, and she backed up to the wall to avoid whatever explosion was about to happen, she knew he wouldn't accept her. She'd already known. This was no surprise.
Spluttering didn't last long. He knew how to send down rejection, he'd done it so many times before, and even though this was different, terrifyingly different, it could still be done. It had to be done and he wanted to do it. She was being stupid. Young and stupid. He didn't call her stupid, he wasn't trying to insult her, but she knew that was what he meant.
"Next year," grey eyes were wide. "You have to give it a year."
"Why a year? Do you think I don't know how I feel?" She hadn't thought of talking back to him, she'd been resigned to accepting what he demanded; maybe this was the alcohol. "How long do you think I've been waiting to tell you this?"
That question was ignored because it couldn't have been long. He wouldn't let himself believe she really did mean it.
"Sirius, no offence, but you aren't getting any younger."
He didn't laugh. "Exactly and next year that will mean more to you."
So, that would be his lie. Thinking she would come to her senses and throw affection at someone else, someone younger.
"You can think what you want, but," she didn't know what to say and she needed to leave because even though she'd not thought she'd cry, she might. Not in sadness, but from anger. "But it won't change anything. A year? Fine. You have a year to get used to me because," she got in his face even as he leaned away, "I'm not going anywhere."
It wasn't fleeing. She wasn't running. She just needed to get around the corner for a moment to wipe away the fury. She hadn't thought she'd be mad at him for it, she knew he'd reject-
She almost fell over as it hit.
He didn't reject her.
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