All recognizable names are the property of Stephenie Meyer. We just like playing dress up in her shoes.

This story is not suitable for those under the age of 18. It is rated M, so if you're not old enough to buy a pack of smokes… we don't wanna know!


Chapter 4: Bella

Butterflies, gravity, pulls me into
Anticipate offers, touch sweet and so new
Let's figure out how to make this forever
Oh, this is making me crazy
No One Else by Natalie Walker


School seemed to pass more slowly than I could ever have imagined. The nightmare from the night before seemed to haunt me every time I had a second to myself. The vision of the animal and Paul together had been created by the peace both seemed to bring to me. But there was still that sinister edge, and I could only hazard a guess that it had been because the wolf was a wild animal and I subconsciously knew I was taking a risk.

There was no way I could focus on class with it on repeat over and over again. Even though I'd discovered how much nicer it was being in a school where the number of students didn't overwhelm the teachers.

Kim had tried asking me what was bothering me, but I shrugged it off as being the change in climate. I could see just how bad of a liar I was in the incredulous look she gave me, but I couldn't tell anyone what I was feeling. I was already confused enough without another conflicting opinion and truth be told, I certainly wasn't going to tell anyone about the wolf and risk his life.

I was in this alone, and I could feel it with every beat of my heart, right down the edges of my soul. This revelation should have comforted me, I had always dealt with things alone, but this was different. I actually felt like I was missing a part of myself, and I knew people would look at me as though I'd lost my mind if I ever dared explain that an overlarge wolf and Paul were the only thing that had eased that thus far.

Sat at lunch, I pushed the food around my plate, while my other elbow perched on the table and held up my heavy head. I could feel a headache building around the edges of my mind. I was so tired and so distracted I didn't even notice the constant banter going on around me.

"What is up with you?" Embry asked, stealing the tray from in front of me and inhaling the food with a grin. I dropped my fork onto the table and brought the hand to meet my other so both hands cradled my chin.

I'm losing my mind. "I'm just tired."

"That's not news," Quil laughed from beside me, snorting out a laugh as Embry slapped his hand from the remainder of the food on the tray. "But why you're so tired is the real mystery."

"I think it's the rain," I lied with a sigh. "I'm not used to all that noise at night."

"I find it calming," Kim said dreamily, leaning into Jared, who seemed more than happy to cradle her head on his shoulder. "But I still think you're a rotten liar."

Jake chuckled from beside me and wrapped his arm around my shoulders. I shouldn't have felt as though he was invading my space, especially when his lazy smile and friendly nature eased me. He was trying to offer me comfort, but I couldn't describe how wrong it felt to have him this close. I did appreciate the gesture though.

"Well how about we distract you?" Jake asked, moving his arm to the back of the chair casually, making the gesture more friendly than intimate. "You said you liked to cook right? Maybe you could come over and hook us up with good grub. There's a game tonight so your dad will probably end up at the house."

"You just want more cookies," I teased.

"And I'm not ashamed to admit it." He looked to his two friends and they nodded in agreement. I'd made a batch last week that they'd devoured in record time.

"Oh, rookie mistake," Kim laughed, elbowing Jared in the ribs as he nodded with just as much fervor. "Once you start cooking for this lot, you can't stop! And you always have to make enough for a small army."

"Oh to be metabolically blessed," I mumbled, thinking about my mom's favorite saying when I made cookies. A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips, I'd never really watched what I ate but it still seemed to run through my mind when I wanted an extra cookie. There were a lot of momisms that made me think before doing anything. I knew she hadn't meant it to be that way, but hindsight truly was twenty-twenty.

Kim nodded emphatically and wrinkled her nose as Embry belched quietly from beside her. She slapped him and he had the good sense to look apologetic.

"So? What do you say?" Jake asked, almost bouncing in his seat. I couldn't help but laugh; his excitement seemed to pull me out of the funk I'd been in since I'd woken up that morning.

"Well it depends." I grinned turning in my seat and attempting to give him a stern look.

"On what?"

"What do you want me to make?" I asked, it really didn't make a difference what he said; I just like giving him a hard time.

"You're from Arizona, they have to have good Chili recipes there, right?"

I heard Embry cough and shot him a brief look before I looked back to Jacob. I wasn't sure what it was all about but I prompted him to go on.

"You want me to make chili?"

In my peripheral I noticed the others shook their heads, but Jacob nodded emphatically, his white teeth all on show with his wide grin.

"Hot or mild?"

"Hot," the others answered in unison for him, and he grinned, inclining his head in agreement.

"Hot chili it is," I said getting up from the table. I'll meet you after school by the truck, and if you want cookies you have to buy the ingredients, and enough to bring to school tomorrow."

"Awe come on, Bells," Jake whined offering me his puppy dog eyes.

"You heard the woman, Jake," Embry laughed, following my lead and getting up from his seat. "You want cookies you gotta share, big man."

He took both the trays and turned to walk away, effectively ending our small group lunch as the others followed suit. Kim grinned and linked her arm through mine as she dragged me toward our next class.

I was thankful for the distraction remembering the five-alarm chili recipe afforded me. It meant I didn't have time to dwell on the nightmare or my predicament with Paul. It didn't get rid of it completely, but it at least toned it down to a dull roar in the back of my mind, which was something I could deal with.

The rest of the day consisted of me flicking between classes and jotting down the ingredients for the chili I'd learned to make. It was enough to keep me sane, and that was the best I could hope for these days.

Jacob grumbled all the way to the store, but he didn't back out of the deal, which meant he really must have wanted some cookies. I actually felt a little flattered, and I really didn't mind baking mass amounts, because I'd never really had the opportunity to do that before.

Whether I would admit it out loud or not, I knew Charlie had been right about sending me to the Res school. I felt like I belonged here, and the Black's, along with all of Jacob's friends had become like family to me.

When I was a kid I'd wanted a big family but had been resigned to the fact that mom was happy with just me. It had never occurred to me that I could get the same feeling from a group of loud-mouthed Quileute's last on occasion had the ability to drive me insane.

"Hey dad," Jacob called out, slapping the door out of his way with his back as he carried all the bags inside. "Bella's making dinner–and cookies."

I could hear Billy's chuckle from the couch and turned to give him a smile of appreciation. I was certain he'd realized I'd been coerced. He was looking over the back of the couch; his smile the same as Jacob's but nestled in the faint lines of age.

"Five-alarm chili, Jacob's choice."

"That's not surprising," Billy laughed. "You may just want to avoid him for a couple of days after though, the boy is dangerous."

"That explains the collective groan at school," I snorted, heading back into the kitchen, where Jacob was lining all the things we'd bought out on the counter.

"Don't let them fool you Bella. It was once . . . YEARS AGO!" he yelled in Billy's direction. I could see the flush in his cheeks as he grinned at me.

It was times like this when I felt at home here. It was so easy to slide into their lives that I felt like I'd always belonged here. Considering I'd only been here two or three times growing up, it was an impressive feat.

I started mixing the batter for the cookies so I could get them going to get rid of Jacob with a batch so he was out from under my feet before I started dinner. It was going to have to simmer a while so I could get back to making more batches of cookies before he came looking for seconds.

Not that I was surprised, but I could see where his priorities were.

Unfortunately, it was easier said than done. Every time I turned my back, Jacob had his paw like hands in the mixing bowl scooping out the cookie dough in huge lumps. It happened a couple times before I finally got frustrated.

"Jake, I swear if you don't get out of the kitchen you're not getting a single one!" I finally shouted. He'd actually been successful to hide it from me, but he hadn't counted on there being a small smudge of batter on the corner of his mouth.

He put his hands up in surrender and backed away a few steps, before his hand darted out to the bowl again. This time I slapped his hand hard enough for it to ring out through the small kitchen and couldn't believe the sting that ran through my fingers and palm. I would have given him the stare down but I was all too aware of the pull that seemed to come from the door of the kitchen.

I swallowed before I looked up, my heart was in my throat and my body seemed to know without a doubt who was there. I wasn't sure how much of his stare downs I could take before I cracked; I just knew that I had as much right to be there as he did.

When I looked up, Paul was stood there looking magnificent in his oil smeared wife beater that clung to the muscles in his chest. My eyes continued their path to his stained blue coveralls that hung from his hips looking precariously balanced as though one tug and they would give up the fight they had with gravity.

For the first time in my life, I wished I were more forthcoming.

As the thought rang through my mind, he opened up his mouth to speak, drawing my eyes from his hips to the dark brown of his own eyes. He had every ounce of my attention.

"Hello, Bella."

I wasn't sure of the words that came out of my mouth as I tried to process the greeting that should have been so simple. If I was honest, it really didn't make much sense to me either. I knew what I had been aiming for, but the words were garbled and confused. The fact that he'd said something to me other than "Fuck," or "Leave," left me feeling a little overwhelmed.

"Whatcha' makin'?" he asked, his eyes filled with actual interest, which only made my heart stammer in my chest all the harder. The closer he stepped toward me, the more I felt normal. I took a breath feeling like I had finally been able to fill my lungs for the first time in weeks.

"Cookies," I whispered, afraid that if I spoke any louder I would spook him and make him take off again. I was clinging to this feeling with both hands. It's what I'd been looking for; longing for, since I'd seen him for the first time over a week ago.

"Mhmm," he replied, taking cautious steps forward until the natural musk of his sweat and oil scent filled my nose, making my body physically reach out for him. It was a fight to keep my eyes open as it assaulted my senses and settled there. "What kind?"

"Chocolate chip?" I asked, hoping it was the right answer.

He chuckled in response and held my eyes with his, the brown looked even more amazing this close, and the gentle hazel green strands close to his pupil seemed to spark some feeling of recognition inside of me, but I was too enveloped in him to notice.

He dipped his finger into the batter and put it into his mouth, humming his approval as my eyes took in the action. It was almost erotic for me. The way his full lips parted and formed around the digit made my body react in ways I hadn't even been aware it could. I was terrified that this feeling was rolling off me in waves, but there was nothing I could do to stop it. Even with Jacob stood only feet away from me.

"Bella," Paul said, my name rolling off his tongue and making the hair stand up on the back of my neck. "I know I've been . . . Well, an ass for the lack of a better word, but I would like to apologize. And maybe we could get to know each other. You know, be friends."

I almost choked at the words he'd given me. I'd never really understood the complexities of why people found it so offensive . . . Until now. It was like standing in a field with the sun washing over you and hugging the complex lines of your body making you feel alive, then having a bucket of ice cold water thrown over you. It was blunt and immediately made me sober from the spell he seemed to have me under.

At least I still had that feeling of being whole, and wasn't that just weak and pathetic. Sadly I was aware that if there hadn't been there was a chance I would have gone back on my promise and ended up falling apart again.

Paul stared at me as though waiting for an answer and I realized I'd been quiet for too long.

"Okay. Friends. Friends is good," I lied, feeling like I should wash my mouth out for using such a disdainful word. It was like acid burning my throat and I loathed it. "So, Charlie's coming here for dinner and to watch something or other on TV. I'm making dinner. Do you . . . Do you want to stay for dinner?"

They way I had asked made me sound like I was asking him to reverse nature and have my children. It was ridiculous. I was making a pot of chili, not gold-flaked chicken breasts. The word breast, even in my own head, made me blush in his presence.

"Sure, angel, I'll be here," he said with a look that made my heart swell in my chest. Why cooking for him was such a big deal was beyond me, but at least he'd accepted. And he'd called me angel, which had that optimistic side sticking its tongue out at my more pessimistic nature. "But first, I need to go home and take a shower. I probably smell like shit."

"I think you smell good." I slapped my hands over my face. Way to have your brain communicate with your mouth, Bella. I thought to myself wanting the ground to open up and swallow me whole, even though it would mean I couldn't be close to him. I could feel my blush come on with a vengeance as he laughed. I don't think I could have been more embarrassed if I'd actually, physically tried.

"Why thank you angel. You smell pretty damn good yourself," he laughed, the rough skin of his fingers gently pulling my hands from my face. He was so close, and even the smile in his eyes seemed to hold my place on earth, anchoring me close to him.

His skin was so warm against mine it was almost hot, but I had noticed the same thing with the others when I got too close. Even with that comparison, I knew this was different, this wasn't just warmth from the skin, it flooded into me this was attraction and I couldn't reign it in.

"But even though you think I smell good I'm gonna run home and get a quick shower. I'll be back before those cookies are done baking."

I bit my tongue to keep my mouth shut as he took a step back and smiled at me as he turned and jogged out of the door without so much as a backward glance. I stood shell shocked in his absence, my body almost jerking me in a step to follow him as he left. The need to be close with him had only become stronger since he'd actually had a descent conversation with me.

I'd never felt so pathetic in my life, but even with that being said I couldn't help basking in the glow of my inner schoolgirl.

"Bella, cookies," Jake said from somewhere in the room, but I couldn't connect what he was saying to the relevance of it. "Are they supposed to smell like that?"

"Oh shit," I hissed, turning and dropping to open the oven door where a small cloud of smoke greeted me. "I'm sorry, Jake, let me see if they're salvageable."

Thankfully, Jacob's nose had caught the cookies just in time. They weren't black, just a deep golden broken which he seemed to appreciate, telling me they added to the flavor. I promised him the next batch would be better, but he simply laughed at me and sat on the counter and watched me start the chili.

We talked quietly amongst ourselves and I couldn't deny I felt better than I had in days. Jacob wolfed down the cookies without so much as offering one to Billy. I teased him about his appetite as he complimented me on the smell of the chili. It was amazing to me how much food these guys could put away.

Charlie stuck his head in the kitchen when he arrived and grinned giving me two thumbs up. "Chili smells great, Bells."

"Thanks, Dad. Take a seat it needs to simmer a while, but you may want to help yourself to a cookie before Jacob eats them all."

Charlie could only laugh as Jacob pulled the plate protectively to his chest and turned his body away from the door.

"Or not."

Charlie shook his head and disappeared back into the room where I could already hear the chilling of what I could only guess was Monday Night Football.

Jacob stayed in the kitchen, and sat talking to me as I worked. I knew it was unfair, but I the more time that passed I barely heard a word he said as I floated around the kitchen on cloud nine. I was so involved in my own thoughts that I barely heard a word he said. All I could think about was Paul, the look in his eyes as he assessed at me, that need to be close to him and the pull I had, even now when he was less than forty feet away in his little shack.

Friends may not be so bad if I got to spend time with him. I was so happy about having the chance to spend any time with him at all that I'd lost that sinking feeling the word had brought me previously.

"So, whaddya think Bells?" Jacob asked from his perch on the counter as I arranged another batch of cookies on the cooling rack and put another tray in.

"Sorry, Jake. What did you say?" I asked catching the snicker from him when he realized I'd yet again been caught miles away, lost in my own head and the thoughts of Paul.

"I asked if you wanted to go out with me on Friday."

As the words sunk in I realized the one thing I'd wished for in desperation was coming about. It wasn't that I wanted to date Jacob, but I had wished I had liked him instead, and now he was asking me out; even though everything in me was still gravitated toward Paul, who I could tell was close.

I wanted to turn Jacob down before he showed up, so with my kindest expression and my usual awkward stutter at having to do something difficult, I declined. I knew he would understand, Jacob was a sweet guy and I think he'd assumed my head was somewhere else, with someone else.

Unfortunately, I hadn't counted on Paul arriving and telling me that I should go for it, and in the process crushing any and all hopes that had sprung into me with our agreement at being friends.

I uttered a response to Jake hesitantly before turning around and busying myself with things that didn't need to be done. I really didn't want to go and I knew I was letting myself be dictated to by a guy I hardly knew, but there was a small part of me that hoped it would make him jealous.

I was in a haze of self-pity and even when Jake kissed me on the cheek at the confirmation I could only offer him a half smile before hanging my head and working on the white rice I'd been making to go with the chili.

My whole world felt as though it were crashing down on me, and I knew I would have to talk to Jake and tell him I'd changed my mind before Friday, as much as I loved him as a friend I didn't want to blur the lines between us and make things complicated.

When Charlie wandered into the kitchen and Jacob told him about the date I knew I was screwed. He'd want to know why I eventually turned Jacob down. He was his best friends son, it was inevitable he would ask.

The longer the conversation went on the more trapped I felt. It was actually a relief when Paul stepped outside, even when he slammed the door in his wake. The urge to follow him was so strong that I almost pushed past Charlie as he gave Jacob a dark look and held his hands up to stop me.

"Why did Paul leave?"

"Not a clue," Dad lied forgetting he was the reason I sucked so hard at bending the truth. "Let me go."

I eyed him suspiciously and nodded, just glad that Paul had someone to talk to. Whatever was bothering him had caused him to slam the door behind him. So it wasn't – nothing. If the only thing he would allow me was friendship I would do it to the best of my ability.

"You don't really want to go out on Friday do you?" Jacob asked, his smile broad as though he were part of a joke I hadn't been included in.

"Jake, listen . . ."

He held up his hands to stop me, and pulled me closer to him, his hand on my shoulder, his brown eyes earnest.

"Don't. It's fine. We're probably better off as friends anyway. Why ruin a good thing, huh?"

I gave him a weak smile and leaned into his hug, feeling better about everything else. I didn't like hurting him, he was a good friend, but that's all he would be. I wasn't sure how I knew that, but it was as real to me as the heat emitting from his chest.

"Thanks, Jacob."

"For what? Being seventeen shades of awesome, and adding yet another awesome thing to me being me?"

"You're not bashful are you?"

"Did I ever give the impression I was?" he laughed.

"Good point."

"Bells," Charlie said, sticking his head into the kitchen with another of his knowing smiles. "Coast is clear."

I nodded and gave Jacob some directions for the food and headed out the front door, where Paul was perched on my tailgate looking defeated.

"Hey, Paul," I said quietly, slipping up next to him and relaxing into the opportunity of being this close to him, and stealing a few minutes of sanity while I did.

"Sorry, angel, I just needed some air."

I nodded and swung my legs back and forth as my fingers gripped the metal edge of the truck. I wasn't the most articulate person in the world to begin with, but in front of him I was even more useless. As much as I wanted to be around him, I was terrified that one word would send him walking away from me as I had every time so far.

"You okay?" I finally mustered the courage to ask. My fingers picking at a stray hem on my jeans, as I chanced at look at him. He was staring at me with so much intensity I couldn't help the blush that rose to my cheeks.

"I'm not good at this," he said, his legs matching the swing of mine, his baby finger brushing accidentally against the skin of my hands as he matched my position.

"Talking?" I asked, tipping my head to the side with a small grin.

"No," he snorted, tilting his head so he was looking up at me. "At being a friend. I've had some pretty sucky experiences and I'm not the nicest guy in the world."

"I don't believe that," I said gently, treading carefully. He seemed to think low of himself and I wasn't certain of how he would accept compliments.

"I know you don't." He smiled and looked down at the dirt again and I did the same. "I'm going to try to be your friend but I can't promise anything."

I nodded again, and sighed happy that he seemed to at least be willing to make the effort. I guessed it was my turn to be honest about something.

"I canceled with Jacob. I don't want to date him, he's my friend but that's it."

Paul turned his head away from me and nodded. For a fleeting second, I actually believed that he was smiling.


Nostalgicmiss: Poor Bella, she's still in the dark, but at least Paul seems to be making some progress at least. I think Bella's still a little overwhelmed by all of this, so she's treading carefully. Thanks again to all of you that read, alert, favorite and review. You guys are so amazing and I know Sabi agrees with me ;) Sabi honey! You know I love you sister from another mister, you're my BFF and it's always such an honor to write with you! I wish I could wrap up the Major in a bow and gift him to you! SMOOSHES

Sabi'sSookie: You guys are amazing! You blew me away with your response to Paul's last chapter! I really can't tell you enough how much we love an appreciate every single one of our readers! And Bella… poor girl. But we're making some progress, right? LOL! And I want to go ahead and tell you guys that I am going on vacation for two weeks. I will still be updating, but I may not get to reply to reviews. I just wanted to tell you all ahead of time. I'm not ignoring you, I'll just be theme park hopping in Florida! Weezy, you are the best! At everything! But especially at being a BFF! I love writing with you and can't wait until we're holed up in the Sanctuary, sitting on the porch with our laptops… and hot shirtless men… can't forget that! LOVE YOOOOOOU! And I wouldn't turn the Major away ;)