"How long have you felt like this?" Armin asked still crying. "Almost 10 years." I said wiping my tears. Ever since 2008, I know you've heard the story plenty of times and are probably sick of it. Understandable.
"The training kept my mind off the ache for awhile, but no matter what it remains in my heart forever." I began explaining how friends and other things act as "emotional anesthetic" to numb the pain for certain periods of time. However, there is no tangible healing for the sadness I hold in my heart. I have two sides: one is confident and believes anything is possible. The other is always hurting inside, cries at the slightest cut to the heart. The question is: who is the real me?
"How did this happen?" Armin asked.
"If I knew I would have been healed ages ago." I said still teary eyed.
Armin feels the guilt arise when he let his friends die since he's seeing me emotionally dying. "But all that training. All that we been through. Are you just going to throw that away?" he asked crying more. I sighed and said, "When the heart of you is damaged you don't care anymore."
A few moments of silence and tears, Mikasa enters the room. "Armin, it's time to go." That's when she notices our dilemma. She remains silent till it's appropriate to speak. Armin starts to think of a way to get me on my feet, but he knows the pain I feel can't be healed. Or can it? Finally the boy lifts his head in tears and in anger. He swipes the stethoscope from the medic's neck and plugs the ear pieces in mine. Then he places the metal part on my chest.
"Do you hear that?" Armin asked as if he were giving orders.
"Yeah." I answered almost dumbfounded.
"Your heart is still beating even though it's hurting! It's telling you to keep going, to keep fighting! Don't give up!"
The room echoed only silence when Armin's speech ended. I was moved that he would do this for me. "Armin..." That was the only thing that'd come out of my mouth. The boy sat next to me and held me in his arms. I cried so much my eyes were blood shot.
"Armin, can I have a word with her in private?" Mikasa asked.
"Sure, I'll be right back Rebekah." he said leaving with the medic.
When the two leave, Mikasa sits next to me and we make eye contact.
"Your eyes say a lot." she began.
"No kidding. I just cried a few buckets. Pretty pathetic for a soldier right?" I asked
"I suppose, but we're human. From what I can tell, like me, you carry a great sadness in your heart."
Those words pulled a few of my heart strings making me cry a few tears. Mikasa then puts her hand on my should to assure me this: "If I can bear such sadness and slay Titans, you can too." Sure, she's a fictional character, but there are real-life people who bear agony in their hearts and accomplish great things. Lacey Sturm, Dawn Michele, and more. Yet there are those that give up and commit suicide or hide in their rooms. Am I one? Hiding, perhaps, but I haven't killed myself. Once I tried but the knife (well scissors) didn't go deep enough to reach my heart.
"Can you handle what lies ahead?" Mikasa asked.
"I'll try." I said still droopy.
"Good, you're not dead yet so there's still purpose for you."
Mikasa lets Armin back in for a few more minutes till they go forward with the plan to plug the hole in the wall. The last moments before he left were silent, but just being held speaks volumes of love to me.
"Come back safely." I said saluting.
"I'll try." Armin said saluting back.
Eren transforms into Titan form, but goes berserk for a moment and is knocked unconscious. Armin comes to the rescue and brings Eren back. Unfortunately, some lives were lost but that's part of war. Watching from afar, I find myself leaping into action and slaying a Titan. The struggle of those brave souls boosted my morale so I was on high alert and ready for action.
"Go, Eren!" Armin and I yelled.
Eren slams the rock into the hole blocking any incoming Titans from the other side. Armin races to rip Eren from his Titan body, but is then met with two 10 meter. I race to their aid, however, Levi slays it before me. This guy is skilled! Maybe more skilled than Mikasa. Still, this guy doesn't appear to be emotional. Kind of like Shadow the Hedgehog.
"You guys alright?" Levi asked nearly monotone.
