Disclaimer: SM owns the series.

I keep falling into darkness, I knew from where it came and I really hated it to always come back, it was my living hell in my heart, it did not matter how long ago it happened, how I tried to bury it so far away from how I am now it always hurt like a bitch.

I tried in vain to hide it behind a mask of laughter and light happiness that produces from finding me belonging to a family which I taught it would last forever since that day when I met my masters and it became bigger only to realize it was true that nothing lasts forever. Now once again in my weakest moment I start relieving how I've been left always alone and lost.

I am 8 years old, I was outside playing with other kids in the courtyard of the apartment where me and my mom used to live in Tijuana, it was one of these days when I hoped to see my mom awake and be in her good mood. But once when the other kids mothers came around from shopping or house duties and saw me there playing with their kids they, they begun calling them to get inside to their own respective apartments and once again I was left in the middle of the courtyard by myself. Not even two minutes when I start hearing the mothers telling their kids to never play or talk to me because I was a troublemaker.

Do they know I could listen to them? They are supposed to be the adults here and instead, with their hurtful words about me and my mother they were bullies I was about to cry when I felt a tapping in my shoulder and look up to see a man, he look at me so harsh as if I did something bad, I heard whispering from inside the apartments, I knew they were looking at what I do.

"You're mom is Lucy right?" the old man asked looking staright at my eyes, his brown eyes were like mine but they looked angry at me. I nodded afraid my tiny voice would make him more angry.

"She's at that apartment correct?" he asked turning to the door where me and mom live, I nod again. He then shoves me away for being in the way.

The old man starts knocking the door hard and calling loudly for my mom, calling her daughter, it took more than 10 minutes for my mom to open the door, apparently she was still asleep but her dark brown eyes showed fear, I guess that old man was bad, she hesitated to let the man inside but she gave in after they struggled , my mom let the man inside and looked around to see who was out there. She did not made a sign for me to get inside instead she locked the door, I decided to listen to their conversation.

"Dad, what are you doing here?, If I remember well you were the one that kick me out of our ranch in San Jose, right after your granddaughter was born." My mom's voice was raspy, last night she went out drinking with her male friend.

"Don't remind me of the sin you committed, you were the one who left our family in shame right when we heard the coming of that bastard child."

"It was not me who committed the wrong doing if you remember well, the man you choose me for a husband raped me right before the wedding and refused to take responsibility all because you were afraid to take action because you were afraid he would say about your legal status so you decided on just blaming me since I was born female, isn't right daddy?" the last part sounded as if she was mocking him.

"Look you bitch, I managed all the papers and now we have bigger ranch in Arizona, Knowing that you had become quite a parasite so you can still buy your medicines and with that devil spawn you have for a child, your mother has begged me to find you and be and get you back home."

"How do you know about the medicine? Everybody thinks I'm a …." I could not hear anything when a dog was barking loud and the Tamalera came in to offer her Tamales to the neighbors.

"I would likely take you back in but that girl is not coming, we will tell your mother she died, in matter in fact I have some friend who would take in that shame as if it were their own." The old man's voice sounded so grotesque, it sounds as if he was my grandfather but he spoke of me with so much hate, I could not take it anymore and start it crying.

The Tamalera came worried asking what had happened and so shouting came from my apartment.

"Shh, its okay darling, everything is going to be fine, come out side while I offer up my Tamales that are passing by at the door okay? Children should not listen to what grownups say." I nodded to her and went outside, I was happy somebody was actually nice to me at that moment and I helped her with selling tamales, when we finished selling her Tamales I told her:

"Thank you", and she smiled at me and hugged me, I could not avoid feeling comfortable. She went back to the building to her own apartment I saw the old men pushed her past without even apologizing and we crossed glances at each other at the entrance.

"Mugrosa.", he murmurs, I knew he meant me because that's how almost all grownups called me and some of the other kids also called me like that. ( AN. Mugrosa means dirty or Mongrel).

I went inside not caring anymore about that old men and my apartment door was open, my mom was crying I wonder what that bad man do to her. I went to console her in her bed.

She looked at me and hugged me. "Baby, would you like to move to a new city? With Me? We could start a new life there and nobody will ever be mean to you again." She was sobbing, I could not believe what she said, would it be true? Nobody will ever be mean to me?

Looked at her glossy tearful brown eyes hoping she was not lying "Do you Promise?" I asked her, I was feeling excited and she nods.(AN. Pan Dulce is Mexican sweet bread and Tamalera was someone who makes and sells Tamales.)

"Tomorrow we will leave, and you finally get to go to school." Yay! I will be able to wear those nice looking uniforms and have friends, I was so happy, mom bough some Pan Dulce and some milk for dinner while we were watching TV. Some kids in the neighborhood had color TV but we only had one small TV with only black and white at our Table where we eat.

"After you brush your teeth and put in your pajamas I will sing your song." My mom said. I was so happy, when she says she will sing me our song it meant only one thing, she would not leave me again while she went kissing an ugly guy.

My mom was waiting for me at bed, while I climbed on the bed and she tucked me in, I gave her a kiss in her cheek and she starts singing our special song.

Yo soy Rebelde por el mundo me ha hecho asi

Por que nadie me ah tratado con amor

Por que nadie me ha querido nunca oir

Yo soy rebelde por que siempre sin razon

Me negaron todo aquello que pedi

Y me dieron solamente incomprension

Y quisiera ser como el ninio aquel

Como el hombre aquel que es feliz

Y quisiera dar lo que hay en mi

Todo a cambio de una Amistad

Y soniar y vivir

Y olvidar el rencor

Y cantar y reir

Y Sentir solo amor

Lalalalalala… Lalalalalala… Lalalalalala…

( In English)

I am a Rebel because the world has made me that way

Because nobody would treat me with love

Because nobody would listen to me

I am a Rebel always for no reason

They denied me everything I ever asked for

And they only gave incomprehension

How would I want to be like that boy

How would I want to be like that merry man

And give out what is in me

All in exchange of friendship

And to dream and to live

And to forget the grudge

And to sing and to laugh

And to only feel love.

Lalalala… lalalala… lalalala…

My mom always told me that song was when she was younger right before I was born, that song was her favorite because it always said how she felt, her father compromise her with my father so they would make business, illegal ones, problem was that my father who I never met only wanted to have his way with my mom, she always disliked him and in the end I turned out, I wonder sometimes if my mom really loves me as she sometimes says when she is not drunk or injecting herself with drugs like everybody says.

Most of the time I want to believe she does love me, if not why would I be with her right?,

Two days happened since we moved to Mexico City, our place was much smaller but it was clean, I will help my mom in keeping it clean. After opening and placing our stuff my mom decided to take a break and smiling at me.

"Would you like to go to the park?", my eyes went wide with excitement, it was a hot day and I wanted a popsicle in the park.

My mom made me put on these cute baby blue summer dress and she put on some make up, it made her look beautiful, we closed the door behind and started walking to the park that was pretty far, I tried to put attention how to get there but I kept getting distracted with greeting my new neighbors, some were nice to us but some were ogling us as if were trash.

When we finally arrived I went running too happy at the ice cream man when I hear my mom yelling at me, I forgot I did not have money with me. I come back running at her and she gives me some coins, I was too happy when she told she also wanted one but for her strawberry flavor, mine was lemon.

It was the last time I ever saw her again because after I paid the man for the popsicles and turned around I did not see her anywhere, I start it scanning the area so many times but she was not there, I got nervous thinking I got lost and she would get mad at me so I looked around corner from corner, the park was big to me, I did not notice that time had passed when I felt the popsicles started to melt in my tiny hand.

"Mommy, where are you." I scream now scared, hoping I could hear her voice also looking for me, I scream and scream but everybody who passed by just looked away, I felt now more frightened after I went back where we saw each other last time so many times but she was not there. Night had fallen I was really tired, I could not take it anymore and went to a nearby bench to cry my heart out.

I am so getting punished, I did something bad.

"Please Don't Leave me, I 'll behave.", I was sobbing when I screamed.

"I'm sorry Mami, I will not be bad anymore." I did not stop crying, my eyes covered by my hands in tiny fists.

"Little girl, why are you here all alone?" a dirty looking man asked me from behind.

"I can't find my mommy." I said, I could barely speak, I was shaken my entire body, I was feeling as if I was drowning in water.

"You mean the pretty lady that wore a yellow cow boy hat?" the man asked. Maybe he knew where she was at?

"Yeah that's the one, do you where she is? I really did not remember where I live now, please kind sir, and help find her." I knew I should not talk with bums and other strangers but I really wanted to be with my mom.

He looks at me and takes out a bottle of liquor in front of me, he unscrews the bottle and takes a swig at it, he later looks back at me and as if I said a joke he started laughing at me. It bothered me; the time we lose I grew more nervous.

"What's so funny sir, I did not told you a joke." I glanced at him angry and pouted.

"I did saw her, but she will not come for you nor will you ever find her." Still chuckling, I hated him right at that moment.

"You're so mean, take it back, she is looking for me." I start hitting him with my tiny fists and start crying, what this man was saying sounded so cruel.

"Stupid brat" He slaps me in the face so I would stop hitting him, he take another swig and smiles at me.

"She sold you to me and left you get it now? You now belong to me." He laughed again, it was like that old man that was my grandfather.

"No, it's not true, you're lying, I want my mom, tell me where she is you stinky man." I yelled at him and again started pounding at his front.

"Your mother abandon you and said you were a mistake.", I felt a really sharp pain in my chest as if something made of glass broke when I heard the last part. So that's it, I was a mistake for her.

The rest of the night I stayed at the bench not listening to whatever that homeless guy told me, in the morning came and brought me food, I did not eat it and just waited. I hoped she would change her mind and come back again.

I barely eat what he brought me, why did he try to feed me if he was so cruel? Was I really his? Like a pet?, days continued passes, during the day I waited in the park for her return and in the night I went back to the apartment which I finally fund my way to get there.

But after the month ended the land lady threw me out of my home because I could not pay, she threat me to send my into the orphanage so I just left, making my home in the park.

I kept on waiting while I myself was turning like the homeless guy that bought me, I smelt dirty and my clothes were dirty, two months passed until I had to give in to my owner. He began teaching me how to steal and beg but I was still hoping my mom would come back.

Other kids made friends with me, only the ones that also lived in the street like me. My owner whose name was Pedro keep calling me a fool because a year already passed and I kept looking around for my mom while working in my corner , nobody really buys these chicles ( Bubble gum). But when the year passed and a few weeks more passed I gave up.

She was not coming back. The pain in my soul was too much, I was starting to hate my mom, I could no longer fell any hint of happiness and I refused for everybody ever calling that name she gave me. Now my name is Ara.

Every time I remembered her felt too much pain, it angered me. Years passed and realized she damaged much more, I was not able to feel anything else but pain, the fucking bitch even took away my chance to love anybody at all.

I suddenly I saw thru my eyes when I was 13, every bad thing that happened to me I blamed to my mother especially this, after year she left me she kept on screwing me over.

Pedro started to hit me but I fought back every time, he kept on calling me slut when I started to grow into a woman, I gave his money and I left as soon as possible, but one night he was sober and he started hitting me again, just my luck because he was stronger when sober.

"You will be mine." He said as he continued slapping me making me spit my own blood, my friends were somewhere else, they would not help me because they were afraid of Pedro, the asshole ripped whatever I was wearing and started to groping my then small breasts, it hurt a lot and then it happened, I was savagely raped .

As soon he went to sleep I decided to get my revenge, I went outside of the small shit hole I was then living to get a big rock and when I went inside he woke up, he looked confused but I was not going to wait and threw the huge rock at his head hoping he would die, I run away as fast as I could.

Outside of the city I still begged and robbed and was now fifteen, never hear of Pedro again I guess I was not worth to him although one of my friends told me he still lived. Sometimes I walked by a random school and let my imagination to run wild, wondering what it would be like if I ever went to school.

My daydreaming ended as soon I heard a car passing by with its stereo in loud volume beating to that fucking song, that song my mom used to sing to me, I started to throw rocks at that car and I ended up breaking the back window, the owner of the car was pissed, turned out he was a rich man with powerful influences, the song still playing and I just started screaming in rage.

I open my eyes thinking I went into another fucked up moment in my life but I don't remember that ceiling , after blinking for a few second I realize I finally woken up from coma and I hear a male voice in English.

"Thank god you woke up my love." eh? My love? How long I went into coma this time?

AN: That would be the end of this chapter, I know it went too long, but I wanted to tell Ara's story that might explain why she has issues when it comes to feelings, that song is in Spanish and was sung by an artist named Jeanette in the 70's, you can find videos in you tube, I hope I translated correctly the song, is beautiful