Chapter 7: where do we go from here?
The vacation has been and gone and now we're all back home. I haven't really spoken to Santana much since the day we got back which was Saturday and this is now Wednesday. Everything is ok between us but she's just been so busy with work since she was away for two weeks so she has a lot to catch up on. We're meeting at the house soon so I think we'll talk through a few things then.
As soon as I am ready I drive over to the house and knock on the door once I arrive and have parked up. It's weird because even though it is my house too, I feel I should knock instead of just walking in since I haven't lived there in almost three months.
"Hey in you come" Santana says while opening the door.
"Hey" I say walking inside.
"You didn't have to knock, you could have just came in" she tells me.
"I know but it just feels weird since I haven't been here in so long" I say.
"That's ok so have you eaten?" she asks as we sit down in the living room.
"No I haven't eaten dinner yet" I reply.
"Good" she smiles. "I've made dinner for us."
"Ok cool" I say.
"I thought we could have dinner first and then talk about the situation now we're back home" she suggests.
"Yeah maybe we should straighten out a few issues" I tell her.
"Ok well you stay here and I'll get dinner organised and then we can talk" she says before going to the kitchen.
Santana was away for about ten minutes finishing off dinner while I stayed in the living room. I didn't know what to do with myself while I waited so I just sat quietly on the couch thinking about some stuff. Just as I looked out of the window I caught the photograph above the fireplace out of the corner of my eye. I couldn't help but let a tear roll down my cheek at the sight because it was a picture of the two of us on our wedding day and we looked so happy. I want us so bad to be back in that place but I just don't know if either of us is ready yet.
"And dinner is served" Santana says placing a tray in my lap.
"Really?" I ask laughing. "This is dinner?"
"Yeah" she shrugs but smiles.
"You made me beans on toast for dinner" I state while smiling back.
"Well what do you expect, I'm a lousy cook" she says laughing. "Have you forgotten about all the disasters I had in the kitchen?"
"I haven't actually, that lasagne you made is still haunting me to this day" I tell her. "Every time I look at that chair over there it reminds me of sitting on it eating the lasagne and then having to make a mad rush to the bathroom."
"Oh come on, surely not" she says laughing.
"I'm only kidding but you are right, I haven't forgotten about the disasters" I tell her.
"So will this suffice or would you like me to make you something else?" she asks.
"No it's fine" I say. "You can sit down now" I tell her and she sits down next to me with her tray.
"By the way there is ice cream in the freezer so if you are hungry for more food then we can have that" she tells me.
"My-my, this house has changed since I left" I say. "I was never allowed ice cream because you didn't like it and now you've got some in the freezer" I tease.
"What can I say? You made me realise my love for ice cream again when we were on vacation" she smirks.
"I'm glad I helped" I say before beginning to eat.
As soon as we were done eating, Santana cleared up and joined me in the living room again. We figured there is no point in putting our conversation off any longer so we got right to it. Everything is going ok so far so I just hope things will be kept civilised and we don't get angry. We decided to just start from the beginning and talk about our issues.
"I remember that car accident as if it were yesterday and that's what hurts so much" I tell her.
"Yeah I know, me too" she replies. "It was such a dramatic time for us and it's hard to forget."
"I remember screaming when I saw you lying there unconscious, I thought I lost you forever" I tell her.
Flashback – Friday 25th October 2013
"Date night here we come" Santana says cheerily as we pull out of the drive in her car.
"Yep I'm so excited" I say just as happily as Santana. "We missed last week because you weren't feeling great so I'm ready for this date night" I tell her. Every Friday is our date night but with Santana being pregnant at the moment, sometimes we miss out like last week so we're looking forward to this evening.
"Can I just say, you are killing it tonight with how you're dressed" she tells me smiling.
"Thanks for the compliment baby but eyes on the road not me" I tell her.
"They are on the road, don't worry" she reassures me. I was only kidding her on anyway, she has always been a careful driver. "Hey can I ask a question babe?" she asks.
"Of course, fire away" I say with a nod for her to continue.
"Do you think once our little girl is here, we'll stop Friday date nights?" she asks.
"Well I don't want us to because it is important to still have time together as a married couple but obviously with a child everything will be different. We could maybe change it to Friday family night or wait a bit until she's older and have dates nights every now and again while one of our parent's look after her" I reply.
"Yeah that's what I was thinking" she says. "Oh while we're on the subject of our daughter we really should sort out a name because I don't like saying 'she' and 'her' all the time."
"Yeah I agree" I say.
"What about naming her after my mom or your mom?" Santana suggests.
"Mm I don't know" I say. "I always thought our kids middle names would be after their grandparents" I say.
"Ok fair enough" she replies. "What about something unique?" she asks.
"I wanted something more traditional" I say.
"God you don't like anything I suggest" she says laughing.
"No I do babe" I tell her.
"I'm only joking, I'm sure we'll come to a mutual decision" she tells me.
"What about Katelyn?" I suggest.
"Huh" she says while thinking. "That's not too bad a name."
"You go baby" I say laughing as Santana belts out Whitney Houston's 'I wanna dance with somebody' along with the radio.
"I love that song, remember we sang it in glee club just after we started dating?" she asks.
"Yeah I remember" I say smiling at the fond memory.
"Hey look at that crib in the window over there, our baby needs to have that" I tell Santana as we stop at a red light.
"What window?" Santana asks looking around.
"The one over there to your left, it is so cute but yet modern" I say.
"Oh yeah that is nice" Santana agrees. "But we've already picked out a crib babe" she tells me.
"So, we can buy another one for her or just keep it for the next one" I reply.
"Next one?" she asks in mock surprise. "Slow down baby, let me get through this pregnancy first."
"Oh come on, like you don't want a whole bunch of kids" I say.
"Yes I want more than one child but we're still young so there's plenty of time so let me get through this pregnancy first" she tells me and I nod.
"Oh babe it's a green light" I tell her. We were too busy talking we didn't realise the green light came on for us to go.
"I'm really hungry, are you?" she asks as we start driving again.
"Yeah" I say before seeing lights out of the corner of my eye. "BABE WATCH OUT!" I scream before the car is thrown in the air and we are bouncing along the road. As soon as the car stops it lands on its side before falling over and settling properly on the ground on its wheels. I look over at Santana and see no movement. "Babe can you hear me?" I say panicking. "Santana don't do this, you're going to be ok so stay with me." I quickly call the emergency services while trying to wake Santana. After a few minutes I hear a groan.
"My…" she tries to talk but she can't make a proper sentence because she keep falling in and out of consciousness.
"It's ok you don't need to talk, I'm going to get you out of here" I tell her.
"I love…I love…" she tries to talk again.
"It's ok babe, I know" I tell her. "And I love you too" I say with a small smile.
"Brittany I'm…" she gets out before falling unconscious again.
"Santana stay with me!" I shout. "You have to stay awake for me baby" I tell her before quickly getting out of the car at my side. I run round to her side and manage to open the door after giving it some force. I want to get her out of the car so bad but I'm too afraid to move her in case she's got back and neck injuries. "Babe please open your eyes, you've been unconscious for way too long now sweetheart" I tell her after a few minutes. I can hear her breathing slightly which is a good sign I suppose but I just want the ambulance to hurry up.
End of flashback
"Hey are you ok?" Santana asks me.
"Yeah sorry I was just thinking back to the accident" I say.
"Yeah, so was I for a second although there are parts I don't know what happen, I presume I was unconscious at the time" she says. "I remember being in the car trying to tell you I love you and that I was bleeding then next thing I know, I'm in hospital and you're telling me they have to deliver the baby."
"Yeah as soon as you told me you loved me you fell unconscious but didn't regain consciousness for a long time after" I say. "You have to know Santana I didn't take the decision lightly" I tell her.
"I know" she says.
"I really did take time to think maybe the baby could survive the last two months inside of you but then the doctors started saying the placenta abruption was so severe so I knew the best option for both of you was to deliver the baby" I say. "In the end, it actually turned out that the placenta was barely attached so there was no hope for survival if the baby wasn't delivered."
"Brittany I know, ok" she tells me. "I realise what you did was for the best. It wasn't that I doubted you, I just used that as an excuse. I knew all along baby that you didn't do anything wrong, it's just with everything and my mental state, it caused me to blame you."
"I appreciate you reassuring me that you didn't intentionally blame me but like I said before, the hurt doesn't go away any quicker" I tell her.
"I know you keep saying it's hard to forgive something like this but you have to understand Brittany, that person wasn't me" she says. "I would never ever intentionally hurt you like that, I was ill."
"I know and I'm not saying you weren't going through lots of stuff but at the end of the day I was still blamed for what happened and that is the most awful feeling in the world. No matter whether you meant it or not I still felt hurt and unloved" I tell her honestly.
"I always loved you, I just didn't think I was worthy of your love or I should be allowed to love you for what I did to you. I didn't think I deserved someone as good as you" she tells me.
"The issue isn't how you treated me, the issue is that one thing you said to me" I tell her. "You could have called me any name you wanted and I wouldn't have gave a shit but telling me I killed my daughter was the cruellest thing anyone has ever said to me."
"Brittany that wasn't me" Santana says angrily.
"I know, calm down ok. I'm not finished speaking" I tell her.
"It is not you I am targeting when I say this. I am trying to tell you that I am hurt because someone said I killed my daughter. I know you weren't in your right frame of mind then and I get that but I still got called a killer by someone which is hard to get over" I say. "I don't blame you because I understand, I am just struggling to get over the fact that those words 'you killed my baby' were said to me. Do you understand what I am saying?" I ask.
"Yes, you can't get over being called a killer but you get I didn't mean it" she says and I nod.
"It's the accusation rather than the person who said it that hurts" I say.
"I don't mind if you blame me a little bit though, I mean if I hadn't blamed anyone then none of this would have happened" she tells me.
"Ok stop there a second, our break up wasn't because of you. It was both of us" I say. "I should have probably put my foot down sooner and maybe things wouldn't have gotten so out of hand. I was too afraid to call you out on how you treated me because I didn't want to hurt you anymore. I felt you were going through enough heartache that if I said anything you might get worse" I tell her.
"You shouldn't have had to put up with that. I couldn't see what I was doing to you that's how I didn't stop" she tells me. "You were hurting just as much as me so part of me wishes you threatened to leave sooner and that way I might have got my ass into gear and went to therapy quicker. Make no mistake, I'm not saying what you did was wrong, I'm just saying it may have helped. I certainly could have done things differently to not let things go to the extent they did" she says.
"These are all ifs and buts aren't they but perhaps we should focus on the future from now on. Nothing can change the past but we can change how we want the future to happen" I tell her.
"I know but don't you think we need to dip into the past to deal with our issues to make sure things don't happen again?" she asks.
"Maybe you're right" I say.
We talk over some things for a while more. I just want to move on from the past now because I want this feeling of hurt and anger to be over. I hate being reminded of everything bad that happened because it just gets me upset and I don't want to be upset anymore.
"Do you know how hard it was for me in therapy?" she asks.
"No I don't because I was never allowed to go. You never wanted therapy when I was around so how can I know how hard it was" I say, I suppose it was unnecessary.
"Are you intentionally trying to make me cry?" she asks.
"I'm sorry, I'm just frustrated with this whole thing" I tell her.
"I am trying so hard to help you understand what I went through but bringing things up about the past that aren't necessary isn't making matters better" she tells me. "I know I said we need to talk about certain things but that wasn't relevant."
"Wait a second" I say. "I've got an idea."
"About what?" she asks.
"Let me come to therapy with you" I say. "I want to be there for you and know what happened from your perspective so maybe this is how I can really get a feel for what you went through."
"That would mean a lot to me" she says with a small smile.
"Ok so when is your next therapy session?" I ask.
"It's Monday at four o'clock, do you think you can make it?" she asks.
"Yeah that should be fine" I tell her.
"Maybe going to therapy could help you too" she says. "Maybe it will help you get through the hurt you feel right now" she suggests.
"Yeah maybe you're right, maybe that's what I need" I tell her.
"And maybe if things work out then we could keep seeing the therapist for marriage counselling" Santana suggests.
"We could but I think we'll be ok once we sort ourselves. I know we are going to work out our individual problems but I think being there together will be like marriage counselling so we might not need it. I tell her. "But if you think it will help then I am willing to do it" I say.
"I just don't want us going and working on individual things that we forget how they connect together. It's fine saying we're going to sort out my things and we're going to give you a sense of how to overcome the hurt you feel but where does that fit in with each other we have to work on" she says.
"Santana as soon as I get rid of this feeling, I'm right there for you" I say.
"You're not getting me, I want us to change as individuals but I don't want us to change too much that we're not the people we married" she tells me.
"Ok fair enough but I believe as soon as my issues are sorted then I'm the same woman you married" I say.
"Let's walk before we can run ok, sort out our own personal problems together and then see how we feel" she tells me.
"Ok that sounds like a plan to me" I say. We're silence for a few moments before I speak up again. "I want you to do something with me tonight to prove we're still united in marriage so to speak even though we are battling some issues" I say.
"Brittany having sex isn't a good idea" she tells me seriously.
"I never asked you to have sex" I say laughing. "What made you think I was talking about sex?"
"Well other than emotionally close, which we're trying to work on, you can't get any closer to your wife than by having sex" she says.
"Ok fair point but I had another idea in mind that would show that even though we are battling some stuff, we're still a partnership" I say. "And it wasn't necessarily to prove to ourselves, it was someone else."
"Who?" she asks.
"Look please can you just come somewhere with me?" I ask.
"Yeah of course, let me just get my shoes first" she says before quickly grabbing her heels and slipping them on.
"Oh uh heels wouldn't be the best footwear" I say.
"I can't be bothered changing shoes so whoever sees us can take me as I come" she replies.
"Fine but don't say I didn't warn you" I say before we leave.
"Urgh, fuck's sake" Santana groans while we walk through the grass linking arms. Santana's heels kept getting stuck in the grass a few minutes ago so she ended up having to hold onto me to keep herself up.
"Language Santana, remember where we are" I warn her.
"Whatever" she says while dramatically lifting her foot off the ground, I guess her heel stuck in the grass again. "You really should have warned me" she says annoyed but it's more of a cute annoyed moment than a real annoyed one if that makes sense.
"What did I say as we were leaving?" I laugh. "I said 'don't say I didn't warn you' so don't pretend I didn't" I tell her, still laughing.
"You should be fucking carrying me, you never made it clear we would need to walk through grass" she tells me.
"Santana will you watch your language" I warn her.
"I'm sorry" she says in the least sincere voice ever.
"Santana?" I say.
"No I am sorry, I'm just really frustrated that's all. I don't mean to be disrespectful" she tells me and I nod. A few minutes later we have reached the destination. We stand on the edge of the path with grass separating us and the one of the most precious things we have.
Katelyn Elizabeth Lopez
25thOctober 2013
You were only with us for a matter of minutes
but we'll cherish them forever.
Rest in peace, we love you lots angel.
Mama and Mommy
XX
"I wanted us to come here tonight and show our daughter that no matter what happens, you and I will always be a partnership" I say. "She doesn't need to know about the struggles we go through but I want her to know nothing can ever split us completely."
"I agree" Santana replies, I can tell her by her voice that she is almost in tears.
"Hey, it's ok to cry" I say while placing my arm around her.
"I know" she says trying to wipe away the tears so I just put my arm round her tighter to comfort her.
